Sunday, August 28, 2011

What A Difference...

It's so funny how a friend's pregnancy news can affect me so differently based on 1) Who it is getting pregnant and 2) How the situation is handled. I recently wrote about a friend of mine who, even though she knows about our struggle with infertility, still sent me pictures of her positive tests and said how "proud" her husband was for getting her pregnant their first try. Even more than a week and a half later, I haven't been able to see her or talk to her. I still get a bad taste in my mouth when I think about that word. Proud. Does that mean I should be ashamed for not being able to get pregnant after all this time? Anyway, that pregnancy announcement rattled me to my core and made me depressed for days.

Now, however, I have another friend's announcement, and it fills me with nothing but joy and hope! The news comes from a dear friend of mine on the internet. About a year ago, I joined Baby Center's forums to learn more about the process of trying to have a baby and to seek support from other women going through a similar phase in life. Never in a million years did I expect to make such amazing friends. Through one thread, seven of us ladies all connected and it was like meeting soul mates, in a way. Most of us were "advanced age" haha, and liked to joke about how being over 32 made you old when it comes to TTC. Some of the ladies in the group are younger, (late twenties), but mature and together, we all just clicked. I like to think it was fate. These ladies have become my daily best friends. Almost a single day doesn't go by when we check in together and say hello. We mourn each other's losses and heartaches, and we celebrate the good times together too.

Well, after more than a year of trying, another one of these dear friends from baby center is pregnant. When I read her news yesterday, there wasn't an ounce of bitterness or jealousy. There was only joy, hope and happiness. There were tears, but they were happy tears. I celebrated with her even though I've technically never even 'met' her.

What a difference between this announcement and the last, huh? It's crazy. Today, I started thinking about why one friend's pregnancy was so hard and the other so happy. There are many reasons why the announcements were so different for me, and since I like lists, I figured I'll bullet point them:

  • While I do wish that everyone in the world could get pregnant on their first try, ( I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone!), when you're struggling with infertility, it's not easy to hear that someone got there so incredibly easily. With my local friend, it was hard to hear that it worked her first try, so it's harder to celebrate. With my BBC friend (BBC = Baby Center), I've been there with her for a year, and I know how important this is to her and how much she wants this.
  • My local friend pretty much rubbed her success in my face. She didn't have any sympathy for me or the heartache I've been going through. That was tough and made me cry. My BBC friend, however, started her pregnancy post talking about where we all are in our journey and encouraging those of us who aren't yet pregnant and reassuring us that we are on the right track for our own little miracle. I reacted differently because the announcements were handled differently. What makes me saddest about that is the friend I only know online and who has never spent a day with me in her life was more caring and empathetic than a friend I've known for years who spends time with me on a weekly basis.
  • It's possible that my local friend's news hit me harder because I know I'll have to actually watch her transition from not pregnant to pregnant. I'll be invited to baby showers and have to act happy. I'll have to sit through dinners and be excited about all their happy baby talk. But, when I think about it, I'll still be following my BBC friend through her journey as well, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Still, I guess seeing in person and seeing online are two different things.
  • Finally, I think there was a degree of flippancy in the announcement of my local friend. It was like Boo-Ya! Look at me, pregnant. Ha! I'm bad, I'm bad, I know it. Uh-huh. In Yo Face! There's no deep appreciation for the creation of a new life and the process involved. But with my BBC friend, there's such gratefulness. I know that she feels the full extent of the happiness of her BFP (big fat positive). She appreciates it. It deeply affects her life, and I think that makes me feel instantly wonderful about her pregnancy because I know I will feel the same way.
Anyway, those are the reasons I think it affected me so differently when I heard the news from both of my friends. I'm an analyzer about these things, so of course, I had to analyze it. It's how I get to know myself better and understand myself better (which sounds totally cheesy, but it's true!). I tend to be really hard on myself, so the more I can understand why I react a certain way, the more lenient I can be on myself  at times when I'm feeling down. Does that make sense?

I am truly, deep-down happy for my BBC friend, who is now officially pregnant after more than a year of TTC. I keep wondering what that must feel like? To actually see those double lines on a home pregnancy test and to know there's a baby growing inside of you? Just over a month now until we officially start our IVF cycle, so maybe it won't be long before I know that feeling for myself.


  1. Ahhhhh I totally know what you mean!! I feel the exact same way. It's amazing how sincere people are in this blog and I love them. So when I read about a BFP, it makes me sooooo happy! IF sucks! And when one overcomes that obstacle, it's truly a miracle :)

    I, like u.... Can't wait to see those double lines either.

  2. I definitely think the way you responded to each pregnancy is normal. I experienced something similar recently. When I get a pregnancy announcement from my dear fertiles, I literally just roll the eyes and move on. But one of my dear ttc friends recently just adopted her first child. When she sent me a picture of him for the first time - I literally just started beaming. I had tears of joy and I was so quick to share the news with all my family. It was the first time I actually showed a baby picture to my hubby in a very long time. Who am I to say who is more deserving? I don't have that right...but I couldn't help but feeling so much happier for my friend who I know had struggled for so long. I don't think that ever will change ...regardless of what is in store for me.

    I can't wait for you to start your very first (and hopefully last) IVF cycle! I look forward to following along very, very closely! :)

  3. Yeah, I'm a bit of the same way with my online buddies.
    I think it's easier for me to actually be happy for them b/c I don't have to actually SEE them every day.
    Plus they know of the struggles everyone goes through and are much more grateful for their pregnancies even if they didn't struggle themselves.
    You would think people in our real lives would be the same way, but nope.

  4. Thanks ladies! Your support means so much to me.