Tuesday, August 23, 2011


One of life's biggest challenges is learning to keep a positive attitude even through the hard times. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we were talking about how people rarely know the right thing to say when someone they know is going through a hard time. In fact, I think some people get so nervous about what to say, they often end up saying the exact WRONG thing. There are some people in this world who are just not empathetic. They can't put themselves in your shoes and try to understand what's going on with you, so therefore, their comments often become insensitive.

With infertility, how many times have people said, "Just relax. You're trying too hard! If you just relax, you'll get pregnant in no time!" Oh really? Gosh, why didn't I think of that??? You've solved everything for me! Relax! Miraculous! I'm sure that if I relax, my PCOS will disappear and my eggs will suddenly magically become more mature and I will start to ovulate on day 14 of every cycle. Right?? With Cancer, people tell you to keep a positive attitude and that the power of positive thinking will save you. Really? YOU try having cancer and being positive all the time. My mother was saying that when her older brother died in a terrible car accident, someone actually came up to my grandmother and said "Well, at least you have five other children." WHAT? Like having five other children somehow makes the one that's gone just a throwaway? Losing a child can't be easy. It's devastating. Just because you have five more does NOT mean you won't care about losing another. And your first born son. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say!

Of the above mentioned things, I have luckily never lost a child or been diagnosed with cancer, but I am battling infertility. So often, the people who aren't going through it simply can't understand what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant. They don't understand what it's like to go in to a doctor's office ten times in your cycle to get poked and prodded. You think going to a yearly gyn. appointment and having a pap smear is bad? Try going in five times this week and having to pee in a cup, give blood and strip down to nothing so the nurse can stick the ultrasound wand in your hoo-ha and check (again) to see if there is any hope for this month. It's degrading and difficult. And what about having to explain to all the different doctors about your lifestyle choices, your sex life, past traumas, cervical mucus, your bowel movements, everything. It's not a fun conversation to have over and over and over. And to be honest, that's just the very BEGINNING of infertility treatment options. Now that we're moving on to IVF, everything gets ten times more invasive and difficult.

So to say that all you have to do is 'relax' is pretty much like a slap in the face. No. It's not just about relaxing. It's about real medical issues that are serious and heartbreaking. It's about very precise timing and complex dosages of very expensive medicines. There is so much that needs to be done from dietary changes to losing weight to shots to blood draws to ovary checks to egg retrievals, and the list goes on and on. Let's see YOU go through that and then you tell me how easy it is to just relax.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here because anyone reading this blog is either battling infertility or is being incredibly supportive of my journey. I just needed to get it out, so thanks for listening.


  1. LOL - I saw the title of your post and immediately was all tense!! That word just kills me! Love the post and find it funny because I also call it a "hoo-ha" when referring to the doctors visits hahaha

    My mum and I had this same convo a month ago, although she does not know about our IVF plans as she tells everyone everything, and I used the same line "No-one tell people with cancer to relax" - i think she finally understands!

    I think I'll find it odd when the doctors no longer want me to pop up on the table...

    My DH and I were discussing at the beginning of our treatment and he didnt want to do a SA and I explained oh so nicely that I would take his "love in a cup" experience over my "3 people getting to shove metal objects up me" experience - he didn't complain again....

  2. I think I'm going to copy and paste this and send it to my friend that recently told my husband that I just "need to relax". How dare her! UGH. I'm glad you vented - we all definitely understand.

  3. couldn't agree with you more sista!!

    relax??? pffftttt... getouttahere!!

  4. Glad you are venting about this! I hate statements like "relax". I have been told to relax a million times and it's like, really? I have 5 different medical things wrong with me. Relaxing isn't going to do it.
    I also loved when one of my dad's friends was like, you do know how babies are made, don't you? Like maybe I wasn't having sex with my husband or something and that was the reason I wasn't pregnant.
    I wrote about positive thinking a while ago, you might be interested in that post...
    Hugs to you!