IUI vs. IVF

It's been a tough week already and it's only Wednesday. I'm still having some pain and cramping from the saline ultrasound yesterday, and I know it's all my fault because I'm the one who asked for the bubbles! Last time I had the saline u/s, I didn't have much pain at all. And it seems I've only confused and stressed myself out by even bringing the possibility of another IUI to the table.

Here's what's going on in my head. It's like a ping pong game, haha. I'm trying to weigh the benefits of IUI first before we move forward with IVF and also thinking about timing.

Benefits of the IUI first:

• Much less invasive to just do another Clomid w/ IUI, which I've been through before.
• Much less expensive than IVF, which would help us buy lots of cute baby things!
• A little less chance of multiples.
• Conception would take place inside my body rather than in a lab and this might be ultimately better for our baby.
• Feeling like we did everything we possibly could before moving on to the more invasive IVF.

Those are my initial feelings on the benefits. Here are the drawbacks:

• Only 10% chance of it working as opposed to a 60% chance with IVF.
• We've done it twice already and it didn't work, so would I just be setting myself up for more disappointment?
• Timing. We don't really have the chance to pursue a fertility treatment until October because of my writing. That would mean IUI in October if we decide to do it, which pushes IVF back to November or even possibly as late as January depending on how well my ovaries recover from the clomid. If we push IVF back to Jan or Feb, I might have to redo the saline ultrasound and the bloodwork. Again.
• If it works, obviously there is no drawback, but if it doesn't work, I wonder if the disappointment will hurt my chances of going into IVF with a positive outlook.
• Using part of our insurance benefits for a procedure less likely to work, which could mean more out of pocket expense for the IVF round.

I just go back and forth with so many thoughts and doubts. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me which way is the right way. If someone would just tell me what will work! Of course, I would much rather we be able to create our child as naturally as possible. Since it's such a low chance of that ever happening just with timed intercourse, IUI would be the next best thing. Still, with only 10% success rate and already 2 failed IUI's, IVF really does seem to be the best chance we have. When we're holding our little baby in our arms, will it matter that they were created in a lab? I mean, the embryo is only outside of my body for a few days. After that, the baby actually grows and takes shape and develops inside my body.

TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster! How are we supposed to deal with all this information and decide what is best for us and our family? George of course wants me to do whatever I want or think is best. He's definitely on board, but is not exactly in decision mode. My therapist thinks I should follow my instincts, but her two cents is that I've emotionally prepared myself already for IVF in October and that might be best for me. Then, if IVF is not successful, we can always do an IUI next instead of IVF again. It will still be our choice. She definitely has a point.

Here's the other thing about the timing. If I get pregnant in October, I would be about 11 weeks pregnant when we go to visit my family back home in Georgia for Christmas. (give or take a week depending on how the timing works out) In my mind, I just have this incredibly happy thought of how amazing it would be to announce our pregnancy to everyone at Christmas. I also think that if it doesn't work, I'd have at least a couple months to deal with it emotionally before I had to go visit family with all their babies and pregnant bellies and kids and such. If we do IUI in October, I still might have that successful pregnancy story, but it's 50% less likely. Then, if that pushes IVF back to November, it puts me in a tougher situation during the holidays. If successful, the pregnancy would be really new and more fragile in the first trimester. I wouldn't be ready to announce it, but I might also have a hard time keeping it a secret (and my belly might show a little since IVF can make you bloated, lol). Also, if it didn't work, it would be really raw coming out of a failed IUI and IVF both and having to be smiling and around family and babies and such.

See where my mind is right now? I know I'm repeating some of what I said yesterday, but I'm just trying to work it out in my head. I don't even know what my gut feeling is right now. I'm just trying to work it all out. In the meantime, I'm supposed to be writing the final book in my YA series, lol. Needless to say, that's not getting done right now. Ugh. I am hoping once I make a decision and feel good about it, the writing will flow again like it needs to. I need to learn to give myself some time and space and get out of the stress zone.