Timeline

I'm still waiting for my exact 'plan of care' from my fertility clinic. However, I did get a sheet labeled "Visit schedule for the routine IVF patient". Of course, now I'm obsessing over this, lol. I think as the date approaches, I'm feeling more and more out of control. I know that there's very little that's in my hands right now. At least with regular baby-making, you get to have intercourse! With IVF, I'm feeling a bit powerless in a lot of ways, so I think I'm concentrating on the details that seem concrete.

Anyway, please humor me as I obsess over the timeline. 

Originally, I was told I would be on at least 10 days of birth control pills. In my mind, I've been preparing for a certain timeline that includes getting AF (aunt flo) around October 2nd, then starting about 2 weeks of bcp before we start injections. Then, yesterday, I heard from my nurse that no, she was pretty sure I would NOT be on bcp. Some part of me freaked out, because no birth control pills means the entire IVF timeline gets pushed up by 2 weeks. On one hand, it's incredibly exciting. On the other, it's also scary! Nurse C is running our IVF education class next Tuesday, so I will find out more for sure at that point. I guess it seems silly after all this time to be concerned about a two week difference, but I am! I want to know whether to expect a mid-October transfer or an early November transfer. In my head, it makes a big difference!

The other part of the timeline that's concerning me is the after-care. The sheet I have says '1st pregnancy test blood draw - 14 days after transfer'. Ugh. After reading all these blogs, I know that most clinics do a 9 or 10 day wait. I had already been excited about the fact that I wouldn't have to go through another full two weeks after IVF to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I have no idea why they wait 14 days! The embryo is already 3-5 days old when the transfer occurs, so right now, it just seems too long. And I really didn't want to take a home pregnancy test.

THEN, the excruciating part is that it also says the first pregnancy ultrasound isn't until 1 month after the first positive pregnancy test. WHAT??! Even normal, healthy pregnancies usually come in for their first u/s at six weeks! Why would you have to wait until you're 8 weeks along with IVF? Last night, I seriously went through every blog that I follow of women who have gone through IVF this year and gotten pregnant. And every single one of them had their first u/s at only 6 weeks. My thought about this is that if there's not really a living baby in there, I would rather know at 6 weeks than have to live through another 2 weeks worrying about whether everything is okay in there. If I have to wait a full month after the positive test and then I get in there and find out there's not a baby in the sac or there's no heartbeat? I'll freak out. It's just like prolonging the worry. I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to settle into really believing I'm pregnant until I see that baby on the screen and know that everything is okay. This is the part of the timeline that worries me most. I seriously do not want to have to wait until 8 weeks for the ultrasound.

Okay, Sarra, take a deep breath! Next week, we have our education class. It will be an opportunity to ask questions and hopefully get some definitive answers. I'm praying with all my heart that they are willing to alter their normal timeline and will agree to do that first u/s at 6 weeks. I can handle the 14 day wait until the pregnancy test, but the u/s wait will be awful. Please, please, please let them be willing to push that up!

On a good note, the timeline moving up means that if I do get pregnant, I will officially be into the second trimester by the time we go home for Christmas! That would definitely make me very happy! Also, I might actually find out if I'm pregnant by Halloween, hehe. And I love Halloween.

BFN

11DPO today. I wasn't going to test early, but then I wanted to know. I had to know, lol. I went out to the grocery store at midnight last night to buy a double-pack of FRER (first response early result) home pregnancy tests. This morning, it was the first thought on my mind when I popped out of bed. My temps were still high, so I thought there was some hope. You hear all these stories about couples who surprise conceive just before they start IVF, so I have to admit, there was hope there.

I took the test first thing this morning. BFN. Big Fat Negative. As always. Yes, I realize 11 days past ovulation is still early, but I usually only have a 12 day luteal phase, so I'm only at most 2 days before AF. I don't think it's too early for a positive to show on an early results test. I'm just not pregnant.

Technically, there's still one more cycle between now and our IVF cycle. However, I'll be at the beach during my fertile window, so I don't really consider it a ttc cycle. There might be a day or two we can see each other, it just depends on how my cycle progresses next month. If it's meant to be, it will be. My eyes are turning toward the IVF though now. I'm definitely feeling like it's going to happen and we're so close. Just one month away. I need to turn my eyes away from the disappointment of so many months of negative pregnancy tests and just be positive and hopeful that IVF will be the miracle we've been hoping for.

What A Difference...

It's so funny how a friend's pregnancy news can affect me so differently based on 1) Who it is getting pregnant and 2) How the situation is handled. I recently wrote about a friend of mine who, even though she knows about our struggle with infertility, still sent me pictures of her positive tests and said how "proud" her husband was for getting her pregnant their first try. Even more than a week and a half later, I haven't been able to see her or talk to her. I still get a bad taste in my mouth when I think about that word. Proud. Does that mean I should be ashamed for not being able to get pregnant after all this time? Anyway, that pregnancy announcement rattled me to my core and made me depressed for days.

Now, however, I have another friend's announcement, and it fills me with nothing but joy and hope! The news comes from a dear friend of mine on the internet. About a year ago, I joined Baby Center's forums to learn more about the process of trying to have a baby and to seek support from other women going through a similar phase in life. Never in a million years did I expect to make such amazing friends. Through one thread, seven of us ladies all connected and it was like meeting soul mates, in a way. Most of us were "advanced age" haha, and liked to joke about how being over 32 made you old when it comes to TTC. Some of the ladies in the group are younger, (late twenties), but mature and together, we all just clicked. I like to think it was fate. These ladies have become my daily best friends. Almost a single day doesn't go by when we check in together and say hello. We mourn each other's losses and heartaches, and we celebrate the good times together too.

Well, after more than a year of trying, another one of these dear friends from baby center is pregnant. When I read her news yesterday, there wasn't an ounce of bitterness or jealousy. There was only joy, hope and happiness. There were tears, but they were happy tears. I celebrated with her even though I've technically never even 'met' her.

What a difference between this announcement and the last, huh? It's crazy. Today, I started thinking about why one friend's pregnancy was so hard and the other so happy. There are many reasons why the announcements were so different for me, and since I like lists, I figured I'll bullet point them:

• While I do wish that everyone in the world could get pregnant on their first try, ( I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone!), when you're struggling with infertility, it's not easy to hear that someone got there so incredibly easily. With my local friend, it was hard to hear that it worked her first try, so it's harder to celebrate. With my BBC friend (BBC = Baby Center), I've been there with her for a year, and I know how important this is to her and how much she wants this.
• My local friend pretty much rubbed her success in my face. She didn't have any sympathy for me or the heartache I've been going through. That was tough and made me cry. My BBC friend, however, started her pregnancy post talking about where we all are in our journey and encouraging those of us who aren't yet pregnant and reassuring us that we are on the right track for our own little miracle. I reacted differently because the announcements were handled differently. What makes me saddest about that is the friend I only know online and who has never spent a day with me in her life was more caring and empathetic than a friend I've known for years who spends time with me on a weekly basis.
• It's possible that my local friend's news hit me harder because I know I'll have to actually watch her transition from not pregnant to pregnant. I'll be invited to baby showers and have to act happy. I'll have to sit through dinners and be excited about all their happy baby talk. But, when I think about it, I'll still be following my BBC friend through her journey as well, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Still, I guess seeing in person and seeing online are two different things.
• Finally, I think there was a degree of flippancy in the announcement of my local friend. It was like Boo-Ya! Look at me, pregnant. Ha! I'm bad, I'm bad, I know it. Uh-huh. In Yo Face! There's no deep appreciation for the creation of a new life and the process involved. But with my BBC friend, there's such gratefulness. I know that she feels the full extent of the happiness of her BFP (big fat positive). She appreciates it. It deeply affects her life, and I think that makes me feel instantly wonderful about her pregnancy because I know I will feel the same way.

Anyway, those are the reasons I think it affected me so differently when I heard the news from both of my friends. I'm an analyzer about these things, so of course, I had to analyze it. It's how I get to know myself better and understand myself better (which sounds totally cheesy, but it's true!). I tend to be really hard on myself, so the more I can understand why I react a certain way, the more lenient I can be on myself  at times when I'm feeling down. Does that make sense?

I am truly, deep-down happy for my BBC friend, who is now officially pregnant after more than a year of TTC. I keep wondering what that must feel like? To actually see those double lines on a home pregnancy test and to know there's a baby growing inside of you? Just over a month now until we officially start our IVF cycle, so maybe it won't be long before I know that feeling for myself.

My First Blog Award!

I know, it's sometimes the little things in life that can make us smile. Like getting your first blogging award or a new follower. Or comments!! Thank you so much to Waiting and Wishing for awarding me the "Virtual Hugger" award. I would give it right back to you, too, because your comments have been so sweet and amazing.

Here are 3 reasons why I love comments:

1. It lets me know that I am not alone out here. There are other women all over the globe experiencing miracles and heartbreak both, but we are in this together and we are here to support each other. I love to know someone is listening and someone cares enough to leave a comment and let me know I'm not completely crazy. :)
2. Sometimes, comments open my eyes to a new way of looking at things. Maybe there's a side to the story or situation I hadn't thought of yet. I like having the expertise of fellow friends and bloggers available to me through comments.
3. They just plain make me feel better. When I'm having a bad day or feeling really emotional, your comments make me feel loved and supported. It really means a lot to me!

Now, as part of the rules, I'm supposed to pass this award on to 10 of my top commenters... Um. The only problem with that is I don't really have 10 people who comment and/or read my blog, haha. However, there are some really special people I would love to give a shout-out to. You may have already received the award from another blogger, so no pressure to re-do your virtual hugger post, but I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your comments! 

Here are the official rules:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you, and link back.

2. Give three reasons why you LOVE comments.

3. Award your top ten commenters, and let them know about it.

And the awards go to.....

1. Diana at Bun(less) in the Oven 
2. LC at Still Dreaming (I know you already got it, but you deserve it twice!)
3. K at A Cup of Tea
4. LisaL at TTC Fatty
5. Kristen at Buck Up, Buttercup
6. I would give one to my Mom too, but she doesn't have a blog, haha. Thanks Mom for reading and commenting and always supporting me. I love you!

And thank you to all you wonderful ladies who comment on my blog and help me keep my spirits up. And thanks for blogging your own stories. You're an inspiration to me, every one of you.

Relax

One of life's biggest challenges is learning to keep a positive attitude even through the hard times. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we were talking about how people rarely know the right thing to say when someone they know is going through a hard time. In fact, I think some people get so nervous about what to say, they often end up saying the exact WRONG thing. There are some people in this world who are just not empathetic. They can't put themselves in your shoes and try to understand what's going on with you, so therefore, their comments often become insensitive.

With infertility, how many times have people said, "Just relax. You're trying too hard! If you just relax, you'll get pregnant in no time!" Oh really? Gosh, why didn't I think of that??? You've solved everything for me! Relax! Miraculous! I'm sure that if I relax, my PCOS will disappear and my eggs will suddenly magically become more mature and I will start to ovulate on day 14 of every cycle. Right?? With Cancer, people tell you to keep a positive attitude and that the power of positive thinking will save you. Really? YOU try having cancer and being positive all the time. My mother was saying that when her older brother died in a terrible car accident, someone actually came up to my grandmother and said "Well, at least you have five other children." WHAT? Like having five other children somehow makes the one that's gone just a throwaway? Losing a child can't be easy. It's devastating. Just because you have five more does NOT mean you won't care about losing another. And your first born son. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say!

Of the above mentioned things, I have luckily never lost a child or been diagnosed with cancer, but I am battling infertility. So often, the people who aren't going through it simply can't understand what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant. They don't understand what it's like to go in to a doctor's office ten times in your cycle to get poked and prodded. You think going to a yearly gyn. appointment and having a pap smear is bad? Try going in five times this week and having to pee in a cup, give blood and strip down to nothing so the nurse can stick the ultrasound wand in your hoo-ha and check (again) to see if there is any hope for this month. It's degrading and difficult. And what about having to explain to all the different doctors about your lifestyle choices, your sex life, past traumas, cervical mucus, your bowel movements, everything. It's not a fun conversation to have over and over and over. And to be honest, that's just the very BEGINNING of infertility treatment options. Now that we're moving on to IVF, everything gets ten times more invasive and difficult.

So to say that all you have to do is 'relax' is pretty much like a slap in the face. No. It's not just about relaxing. It's about real medical issues that are serious and heartbreaking. It's about very precise timing and complex dosages of very expensive medicines. There is so much that needs to be done from dietary changes to losing weight to shots to blood draws to ovary checks to egg retrievals, and the list goes on and on. Let's see YOU go through that and then you tell me how easy it is to just relax.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here because anyone reading this blog is either battling infertility or is being incredibly supportive of my journey. I just needed to get it out, so thanks for listening.

Un-Crosshairs, Acupuncture, and Good News

So, I have a variety of things I wanted to talk about today. I'll start with the weird/bad news first. Well, it's not necessarily bad, but it's disappointing. This morning, my temperature dropped low. 97.27. I was so excited to get crosshairs yesterday on fertility friend, but when I put in my temp this morning, my crosshairs disappeared. Very disappointing indeed. :( I know they say you can't base anything on one day's temps, but still, it's odd. This has never happened to me before. Does this mean I still haven't ovulated? I got the positive OPK's though, and the EWCM to indiciate it last week, though, so I really thought I did. Implantation usually doesn't occur until 7-10 days after ovulation, so it's way too early for an implantation dip. I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens to my temperatures then, but it's not necessarily looking so good for this cycle right now.

On a good note, however, I am meeting with my new acupuncturist today! After the bad experience with acupuncturist #1, I'm a little bit leery, but also cautiously optimistic. This doctor was recommended by my therapist and is known to be one of the best in the area. Unfortunately, he's also one of the most expensive, but it's all going to work out (more on this in the good news section below!). I have printed out all my fertility friend charts for him, and Friday I went to our clinic and got copies of my husband's SA and also all the follicle information from my Clomid cycles, etc. He will have lots of information to look at! He told me on the phone he loves working with infertility patients and has had a lot of success with IVF patients, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will make all the difference for us. This first consult with him is two hours long and costs $170. I'll know more later about how many sessions I'll do with him and how often, plus I think he's going to special mix some chinese herbs and powders for me to drink. I've heard bad things about taste, haha, but I'll try anything! His sessions after today will be $85 each. I do wonder how this stacks up with acupuncture costs in other areas in the country. Too bad it's not covered by my insurance! All told, we'll probably spend more than $1500 with him I'm guessing.

But now on to the good news!! Our clinic requires us to do a consult with the financial coordinator. I did this back in April when we first starting thinking about IVF and back then, she told me the embryologist was out of network for our insurance and would have to be paid up front. $4778 out of pocket two weeks before our cycle. After the cycle is complete, we could then file it with insurance (which then takes another 2 months or so to get paid). I know we're already extremely lucky to have such amazing fertility coverage. The company my husband works for was ranked in the top companies for fertility benefits and we have a lifetime max of $23,000 coverage. This was one of the deciding factors for us in moving on to IVF. We figured we might as well get the best chance of conception while we still have money left in insurance.

Anyway, I emailed the financial coordinator last night to ask if the charges would still be the same and she said, no, they have changed. I braced myself for the price hike, but it wasn't! Instead, now the embryologist is IN NETWORK! That means they can bill insurance directly with no out of pocket expense for us!! Yippee!! We will only have to pay for SA and freeze ($650), embryo freeze if needed ($400), anesthesia and facility fee ($1759) and medications (unsure how much we'll owe here, but I'm thinking less than $1000 copay). The only parts of that which won't be reimbursed are the embryo freeze and the meds, so we are in good shape! That's basically #3000 less that we'll have to pay up front! Now, that gives us more wiggle room to pay the high price of the new acupuncturist. See how it all works out!!

Everyday, I feel so thankful that we have this insurance that is going to help us bring our baby (babies?) into the world. Without it, we would be struggling for sure. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful.

Crosshairs!

I always get so excited to see the crosshairs on fertility friend, haha. As far as my temperature goes, it looks like I'm ovulating, which is more than I can say for a year ago. Yay for metformin and exercise and better diet! My temps never look smooth like some people's do, but I blame my erratic sleep schedule for that. We go to bed so late and on the weekends, it's even worse, so it's hard to get consistent readings. Still, it's super exciting when the crosshairs show up and say, yay, you ovulated!

In some ways, I feel like this is our best shot at getting pregnant before the IVF. It may be our last shot, depending on when I O next cycle. I have a beach writing retreat planned with some writing friends and it's 3 hours away. I think the week I'm gone will be the week I O (and toward the end of the week too, which makes it impossible). So, it might be a break next month, then on to bcp and injections for IVF. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was really hoping I would get pregnant this cycle so we didn't have to go through with the IVF.

I've heard so many stories about people saying, "Oh, we were going to do IVF, but then we got pregnant the cycle before!" 3 people I know have this story, which is a miracle and very happy, but will it be my story? Between the exercise, the eating right, the little bit of acupuncture, and the saline with bubbles that went through my tubes and potentially cleared out any gunk or mucus, why couldn't this be it for us? I'm 3 DPO (days past ovulation) today, so we'll know in less than 10.

Anyway, just got excited to see the crosshairs and know that I did ovulate this month!

My Ovulation Chart

How To Deal...

I have been feeling very positive this week, so naturally, it was time for something to happen that will test my emotional well-being. I hate to write about other people on here because I realize they might someday read my blog and get the wrong idea. On the other hand, I created this blog as a place where I could go to journal about my feelings throughout this process. Something happened yesterday that I feel I need to talk through. Partly because it's hard for me to deal with or stop thinking about. And partly because I think it's something any woman going through infertility has to deal with several times throughout their journey toward having a child of their own.

There is one couple that is our closest couple friends, if that makes sense. The husband is my husband's best friend from college and they are very close. When I met his wife a couple years ago, we hit it off right away. We're a lot alike and they are both a lot of fun to be around. George and I have other close friends, but no other couple that we both get along so well with. Anyway, they recently moved back to our area and we spend time with them a lot. They just bought an amazing house that is probably three times more expensive than our place, which already makes me feel kind of... less, which I know is petty but completely honest.

Anyway, I knew they had talked about possibly having kids soon, but the last time we talked, she was on birth control. I wasn't emotionally prepared for the picture text message last night with two positive pregnancy tests. I'm definitely happy for them. Of course I am. They are our good friends, and I want them to be happy and I want to be excited for them. But at the same time, it's difficult. After texts of congratulations, she tells me this was their first cycle trying and how proud her husband is of that. I pretty much fell apart. Well, I excused myself to the bathroom and then fell apart.

I couldn't help but have these thoughts about how I've taken that feeling of pride away from my husband. He can never feel like that because I'm defective. After 13 cycles of trying to conceive, we're still not pregnant. And I am completely aware of the fact that many couples who struggle with infertility have been trying for far longer than 13 cycles. However, I've carried this fear around inside of me for 14 years. Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS and that doctor told me I might never be able to have children, I have been terrified that I would never be able to get pregnant. It's taken me years to find the right man to even start trying or to get into a position where we were able to try. And I've found that my worst fears are coming true. There's a constant doubt that runs in my head. Will I ever be able to get pregnant?

So when someone close to me gets pregnant, it's a reminder that I am not. I am still trying to learn how to deal with the pain of watching others get pregnant and have their babies while I'm dealing with infertility. How do I deal with the fact that one of my best friends got pregnant in one cycle and has already announced it to everyone when she's only 4 weeks along? I will never have the luxury of casually taking a pregnancy test and not feeling desperate about the results. I will never be able to happily announce a pregnancy at only 4 weeks, because the risk of miscarriage is way too high for that to be a good idea.

I know that what I'm feeling has nothing to do with my friend or the other women in my life who are pregnant. I would never want to take away from their happiness. It's all my own issues. My own worries and fears. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

What I should be thinking is how much fun it will be to both be pregnant together. I should be thinking about how great it will be that our best friends are also going to have a baby around the same time. We can enjoy days at the park together or baby dates and such. It'll be great, right? Instead, my mind goes to the fear. I think about the potential for heartbreak. I think about how I am going to prepare myself for a baby shower or dinners together if IVF fails. How am I going to deal with that? Or what will I feel if April comes and we go to the hospital to support them and meet their new baby, but I'm still not pregnant? I know I shouldn't let my mind go there, but I feel in some ways that I have to protect myself. I have to prepare myself. It's complicated and if you've never experienced infertility, I don't think you can really understand it.

So, my friends in the blogosphere? How do you deal with close friends or family who are pregnant? How do you act normal around them even when you're hurting? How do you find a way to let your happiness for them overrule your disappointment in your own situation?

Talk With My Nurse

I had a good long talk with my nurse today. She's so incredibly sweet and personable, so it makes me happy to know she is with me on this journey. She answered all my questions about the egg retrieval and the protocol. She said technically the protocol is an antagon protocol, but it's customized for my situation. I'll be on bcp for 2 weeks actually, then will start the micro-hcg and the stims, then also will add something to keep the maturing eggs from ovulating while the others catch up. She said I will probably stim for about 10 days, depending on how the eggs are maturing. Then, when I have lots of good follies ready, they will give me the trigger shot to do at a specific time at home. Then, we'll come in for the egg retrieval.

I asked her whether I would be knocked out for the retrieval and she said yes, but that it's very light. She said it only lasts about 10-15 minutes and I won't feel anything from the retrieval. Also, she said someone will call frequently to update me on the embryos and how they are doing, etc. She made me feel like we are going to be in really good hands here. She said there is always a nurse on call 24/7 and if I ever have any questions or concerns, I can call anytime day or night.

As for whether we will need ICSI (which is where the embryologist actually injects a single sperm into the egg), she said we will have to wait and see. The embryologist will decide whether it's needed once he/she has the eggs and the sperm sample. She said sometimes what they do is half ICSI, half natural just to get more information about the eggs so they will be armed with more knowledge in case the first IVF doesn't work. As for PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis), they will not be doing that for us since there is no indication of a genetic defect and no history of miscarriage.

I am starting to get a really good feeling deep down inside. This could really work for us! I might really be pregnant by the end of October/early November!! It's very exciting! I am in such good, capable hands and the clinic is very confident that this will work for us. I hope to keep this happy feeling in my heart throughout the process. It's still about 7 weeks away from starting, but I know it will go by so quickly and before I know it, I'll be starting birth control pills!

What To Do During the 2WW

I am already thinking ahead to what to expect during the month of our IVF cycle. I want to be as emotionally prepared as possible. The first part is the medicated part. I'm definitely worried about the hormones and the roller coaster ups and downs of the different stims and the level checks and worrying about how many follicles are growing, etc. I know it will be tough, but there will be a lot of action. Lots of doctor appointments and checkups and shots and things like that. The part I'm most concerned about is the two-week-wait (2WW). Waiting for the pregnancy beta tests after the embryo transfer.

I am trying to come up with a list of things to do throughout the entire cycle, but especially during the hardest time of seemingly endless waiting. Since I don't have a regular job, I'll be home all day every day by myself. That's a lot of time, and I don't want to spend it obsessing over forums about pregnancy symptoms, etc. What I'm wondering is how much will I be able to do after the transfer? Will I be on bed rest? I'm sure I'll want to take it easy for a few days after the ET (embryo transfer), but what about the rest of the 2WW? If anyone reading the blog has been through IVF and has any advice or knowledge of how long to rest and what the restrictions might be, please comment and let me know.

I feel like I have tons of questions. Like can I work out? What about taking a trip to the mountains or something? Is there any danger in riding in a car for several hours? I want to find a balance between being careful and being too careful. I don't want to live in terror for 2 weeks that I'll do something that could potentially harm the embryos or keep them from implanting. I know it sounds silly, because people get pregnant all the time and go about their normal lives and activities for weeks or even months before they know they are even pregnant. /sigh. Still, IVF is a bit different and more delicate. I just want to do the right thing. 

And, most importantly, I want to learn to manage any stress that might come up. Part of that for me is going to be finding ways to occupy my mind during the worst of the rollercoaster and during the 2WW. Here's what I have in mind so far:

• Fable III - My sister gave me this game for my XBOX 360 for my birthday earlier this year, but I haven't had any time to play. Games are always a good way to distract me from worry or anything, because I can lose myself in it, but sitting on the couch is also pretty much bed rest anyway.
• Everquest II - Another game. This is an MMORPG that my husband and I play together. We actually met playing this game. We quit for a while but have gotten back into it, so I might spend more time playing during the 2WW.
• Reading - I have a huge stack of books to read. If I can find one or two that really occupy my mind, that would be awesome.
• Sex and the City Marathon - My favorite show EVER and even though I've seen every episode at least 3 or 4 times, I haven't seen them in years. I might go back and put on a marathon of the DVD's.
• Puzzles - My father-in-law brought by about eight puzzles for me to do because sometimes I like to work on them while I'm plotting my novels. I have only done one of them, so I could set up a table in front of the TV and do puzzles while watching TV or movies or SATC.

So far, those are my best at-home ideas. We are also throwing around the idea of taking some days off and either going to the beach or to the mountains. Both are relatively short drives away, but the beach is closer. Also, since the 2WW will probably be in early November, the beach will be much cheaper. It will be too cold to go swimming obviously, but we could still maybe walk along the beach and sit up on the balcony or wherever and enjoy the sound of the ocean. The ocean always calms me and makes me feel better, so it's definitely an option. We can't book anything ahead of time, because there's no way of knowing exactly when the transfer will be or what might have to change along the way. Still, that time of year, it shouldn't be hard to book it last minute if we need to get away.

I'm hoping time passes quickly and before we even know it, we're getting a positive beta result! Still, I want to be armed with lots of ways to pass the time that can totally get me out of my own head for a while if I need it. If anyone else has any fun suggestions, let me know!

Decisions and Week 1

Wow, it's been a long emotional week! The good news is that no matter how upset I got, I didn't turn to bad food to make me feel better. This is a HUGE step for me! I also lost 7 pounds!!!!!! For one week, that's insane. And yes, I know it isn't healthy to lose 7 pounds a week every week, but it was a good boost for me. I actually walked into Zumba class today and the instructor yelled out, "Sarra! Whatever you're doing girl, it's workin'!" Hehe. Made me blush. I didn't even work out 100% this week AND I was bloated after the saline u/s, so overall, I'm feeling great about the diet.

This week, I've decided to start adding in a few things. I want to add in some lean protein like chicken and beans, maybe some eggs. I also want to add in some dairy. I'm thinking the occasional greek yogurt, but still no cheese since it's so calorie dense. I want to add things in gradually so I don't get tempted to go crazy with calories. I think I'll also stay away from grains, except maybe some Ezekiel bread, which is made from sprouted grains. I'm excited, because I feel like I've done a lot this week to break my bad habits with food. Now, I just need to stick with it.

George and I also made a big decision as far as our TTC journey. After pretty much talking about it all week, we've come to the decision that we are going to go ahead with our plans for an October IVF cycle. We are already emotionally and financially prepared for it, so why change our plans now when everything is set and ready to go? Also, with the 60% chance of success, it's by far our best bet for having a baby. I feel good about the decision. The only thing standing in our way right now is my book writing, so I better get on it!

Our IVF protocol includes the drugs Microdose Ovidrel, Gonal F, and Follistim. No lupron or anything like that. I'll also be on 10 days of birth control at the beginning. I am looking forward to learning more about the protocol and how it will all work. I'm not looking forward to all the shots, haha, but I am looking forward to the best chance ever of seeing that BFP!

My focus over the next seven weeks is my attitude. Everything else is in place for success. I've been working out, eating right, getting good sleep, taking my metformin and prenatal vitamins, taking extra vitamin D to get my levels back up to normal. I'm putting my best foot forward. However, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. I'm overthinking things and worrying way too much. It's time I found some positivity. I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday and I told her I didn't want to get my hopes up. She said, Just get your hopes up, Sarra. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just let go of all these reservations and just get my hopes up and believe that IVF is going to work for us.

IUI vs. IVF

It's been a tough week already and it's only Wednesday. I'm still having some pain and cramping from the saline ultrasound yesterday, and I know it's all my fault because I'm the one who asked for the bubbles! Last time I had the saline u/s, I didn't have much pain at all. And it seems I've only confused and stressed myself out by even bringing the possibility of another IUI to the table.

Here's what's going on in my head. It's like a ping pong game, haha. I'm trying to weigh the benefits of IUI first before we move forward with IVF and also thinking about timing.

Benefits of the IUI first:

• Much less invasive to just do another Clomid w/ IUI, which I've been through before.
• Much less expensive than IVF, which would help us buy lots of cute baby things!
• A little less chance of multiples.
• Conception would take place inside my body rather than in a lab and this might be ultimately better for our baby.
• Feeling like we did everything we possibly could before moving on to the more invasive IVF.

Those are my initial feelings on the benefits. Here are the drawbacks:

• Only 10% chance of it working as opposed to a 60% chance with IVF.
• We've done it twice already and it didn't work, so would I just be setting myself up for more disappointment?
• Timing. We don't really have the chance to pursue a fertility treatment until October because of my writing. That would mean IUI in October if we decide to do it, which pushes IVF back to November or even possibly as late as January depending on how well my ovaries recover from the clomid. If we push IVF back to Jan or Feb, I might have to redo the saline ultrasound and the bloodwork. Again.
• If it works, obviously there is no drawback, but if it doesn't work, I wonder if the disappointment will hurt my chances of going into IVF with a positive outlook.
• Using part of our insurance benefits for a procedure less likely to work, which could mean more out of pocket expense for the IVF round.

I just go back and forth with so many thoughts and doubts. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me which way is the right way. If someone would just tell me what will work! Of course, I would much rather we be able to create our child as naturally as possible. Since it's such a low chance of that ever happening just with timed intercourse, IUI would be the next best thing. Still, with only 10% success rate and already 2 failed IUI's, IVF really does seem to be the best chance we have. When we're holding our little baby in our arms, will it matter that they were created in a lab? I mean, the embryo is only outside of my body for a few days. After that, the baby actually grows and takes shape and develops inside my body.

TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster! How are we supposed to deal with all this information and decide what is best for us and our family? George of course wants me to do whatever I want or think is best. He's definitely on board, but is not exactly in decision mode. My therapist thinks I should follow my instincts, but her two cents is that I've emotionally prepared myself already for IVF in October and that might be best for me. Then, if IVF is not successful, we can always do an IUI next instead of IVF again. It will still be our choice. She definitely has a point.

Here's the other thing about the timing. If I get pregnant in October, I would be about 11 weeks pregnant when we go to visit my family back home in Georgia for Christmas. (give or take a week depending on how the timing works out) In my mind, I just have this incredibly happy thought of how amazing it would be to announce our pregnancy to everyone at Christmas. I also think that if it doesn't work, I'd have at least a couple months to deal with it emotionally before I had to go visit family with all their babies and pregnant bellies and kids and such. If we do IUI in October, I still might have that successful pregnancy story, but it's 50% less likely. Then, if that pushes IVF back to November, it puts me in a tougher situation during the holidays. If successful, the pregnancy would be really new and more fragile in the first trimester. I wouldn't be ready to announce it, but I might also have a hard time keeping it a secret (and my belly might show a little since IVF can make you bloated, lol). Also, if it didn't work, it would be really raw coming out of a failed IUI and IVF both and having to be smiling and around family and babies and such.

See where my mind is right now? I know I'm repeating some of what I said yesterday, but I'm just trying to work it out in my head. I don't even know what my gut feeling is right now. I'm just trying to work it all out. In the meantime, I'm supposed to be writing the final book in my YA series, lol. Needless to say, that's not getting done right now. Ugh. I am hoping once I make a decision and feel good about it, the writing will flow again like it needs to. I need to learn to give myself some time and space and get out of the stress zone. 

Saline Ultrasound Results

Today was my saline ultrasound plus bubbles, and let me tell you, the bubbles added PAIN. I remember the last saline ultrasound not being so bad. I mean, of course it's not the most comfortable thing in the world and it hurt while it was going on, but it was fast. This time, since I was the genius who wanted to get a look at my tubes, he added the bubbles and then spent a heck of a lot more time in there (even adding more saline) showing me exactly what was happening.

Here's the basics. My uterus and my tubes are both totally clear. No problems at all. Yay! Er.... wait a second. If my bloodwork is fine, my uterus and my tubes are clear and healthy, then why the heck am I not getting pregnant? Suddenly, all these emotions just slammed into me. Where is the real obstacle? What's going wrong?  And if the tubes are clear of any scar tissue, is IVF really the right next step? Did we try hard enough with the IUI's?

When the doctor was done and I had to get up, I got woozy because this time there was blood. Also, this sharp pain shot up my right shoulder and I felt like I could hardly breathe. Gas from the bubbles? I'm guessing that had to be it. I toughed it out and went to the consult with the doctor. He asked what we want our next step to be. I expressed my doubts about why the previous 2 IUI's didn't work and he basically said it's never a guarantee and if we wanted to do one more IUI w/ Clomid before we move on to IVF, we can.

Wow, after all the confusion of the last week and all the emotions, that just really hit me hard. How do I know what the right thing is to do now? George doesn't want me to do IUI and Clomid next cycle because I'm working on my fifth book and my plan was to finish it and get it published before I moved on with any more fertility treatments. Basically, he thinks there's no way I'll finish this book in time if I'm also doing an IUI. So, his suggestion is to substitute the IUI for the IVF in October's cycle. Give it a chance and if it doesn't work, move on to IVF in November.

But then I look at the calendar and just don't see how this is going to work. Let's say we do the IVF in November and it works. That would mean a 16 hour drive to NJ to visit George's family in early December when I'm only a few weeks pregnant. Then, another 8 hour drive there and back to Georgia to visit my family for Christmas. All that driving and traveling in the first trimester of a PCOS pregnancy, which is already high-risk for miscarriage? I'm just not sure that's the best idea. Of course, if IVF doesn't work, I'll be a mess the entire holidays and having to be around people and their kids isn't going to be fun either.

Of course, George then says that maybe we should just wait and do IVF next year. And this is how it happens. Things always getting pushed back and never working out the way I think they will. I feel like such a mess right now. I would much rather do the IUI and have it work without having to go through the injections and emotional rollercoaster of IVF, but we've already done two with no luck. Who is to say this time could be any different?

So, the saline ultrasound answered some questions and brought up a heck of a lot more than I was ready to deal with. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a conversation with your spouse that decides you're ready to start a family and then a few months later, you're pregnant just from having sex and being a normal couple. That must be the best feeling in the world.

Too Much Information

I think I'm suffering from information overload. Either that or too much change all at once. With IVF coming up, I feel this rush and this pressure to make all these changes I haven't been able to make over the last several years. Things like diet and exercise and getting my head on straight.

On one hand, it's great that I'm finding the motivation finally to make some changes. I've been following this fruit and veggie fast for four days now and am doing great. I wouldn't have been able to do that a year ago. No way. I've also been religiously going to the gym three times a week to work out. I'm excited to see these changes.

On the other hand, I'm reading a lot and talking to a lot of people and finding out that I'm still so incredibly far away from where I need to be. This is the most frustrating feeling for me right now. Yes, I'm going to the gym 3 times a week, but the books I'm reading say that for PCOS, I should be working out at least 30 minutes a day, 7 days a week. Yikes! I'm doing good, but it's STILL not enough. I'm eating this fruit and veggie fast and finally getting rid of my dependency on sugars and fried foods, but when I went to acupuncture today, he gave me a lecture about that not being good for PCOS and how I need to be eating protein with every meal and it needs to be chicken or beans and how whey protein isn't good enough, etc etc.

Then, he goes into this whole speech about how I must not love myself enough to eat the right things and that's the reason food has been such a struggle for me all these years. He said that my issues probably stem from something in my childhood, blah blah blah. I just sort of fell apart. There's too much information out there and the more help I seek in trying to find the right path, the more lost I feel.

What I'm realizing more and more is that the world is full of people who THINK they know. They think they know the best diet or the right way to treat someone or something. They think they know what you've been through or why you are a certain way. They think they know a better path. But the truth is, it's only a very very few people in this world who really understand me. Who really know what I've been through or what my struggles are. Even when it comes to diet, there are a million different ideas about what is best for us as humans. I'm starting to realize that the only person who really knows what I need is me. Sure, I can pull ideas from other people and places, but the only person who understands my needs and knows exactly what I need is me.

I don't think I'm going back to that acupuncturist. He made me feel like crap all day today worrying about my diet and these changes that I was so proud of up until the moment he lectured me. I'm getting protein, just not the way he thinks I should get it. Regardless of what he thinks, fruits and veggies are so much better for me than what I was eating before I started this diet. For me, it's a good change and if he can't support me, he's not going to be part of my team right now.

I guess my struggle right now is this: In a world full of so much information, how do we know what's right for us? For where I am right now in my journey, I think what's right for me is trusting my own instincts and finding something that works. Anything that makes me feel bad or doubtful or crappy can just disappear into the background.

Rough First Day

Today was NOT easy, let me tell you. As someone who eats out most of the time and makes choices like pizza, chicken fingers, fries, and such, eating only fruits and veggies is not only a shock to my system, it's a shock to my psyche. I did it though. Well, it's 9:45 at night and I'm snacking on broccoli, cauliflower and carrots, so I'm almost done with Day 1. I'm hoping it gets easier as it goes. I've pretty much been hungry all day even though I've also been eating all day. It doesn't seem to make sense, but when you add up all my calories, I'm still way under my 1500/day allotment.

I also worked out for an hour and a half this morning, which took a lot out of me. I know in the end, it will be worth it. Food has had control over me for far too long. If I didn't have PCOS, I might not be as concerned about eating the wrong kinds of food, but eventually what I eat is going to be a matter of life and death for me. I'd rather start now before the death part feels any closer! I definitely don't want to get diabetes or heart disease and the only way to really avoid those things is by eating right.

Can you tell I'm trying to pump myself up here? I'm going to need a lot of positive self-talk over the next 39 days. I might honestly come out of this a brand new person. Just 39 more days. I can do this.

Fruits and Veggies

I have made a very important decision. I have decided to go on a 40 day fruit and veggie fast. For me, this is a HUGE deal, lol. Food is my comfort and my stress-reliever and has been for years. Unfortunately, the foods I crave and want are things like chicken fingers, fries, cakes, candy, doughnuts, soda. These are all things that are bad, bad, bad. They are particularly bad for me because I have PCOS. All of those foods cause crazy spikes in my blood glucose levels and my body has a hard time regulating those levels and bringing them back down, which in turn causes all types of hormonal issues within my body. With only about 60 days remaining until my IVF cycle, I have decided to go through a detox program to both clean my body of toxins and to reset my cravings.

Am I terrified? Yes. Oh God, yes! I've never done anything like this in my life except when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and a nutritionist suggested I become vegetarian. I did it for several months before my then-boyfriend made fun of me for not eating steak and it was all over. Oh, how weak I was back then, haha. Now, I am hoping to be very strong and stick to this program that I know will make me healthier, help me detox and get rid of all the negative things in my digestive system, and hopefully help me jumpstart some weight loss. The weight loss will definitely help come IVF time, when the meds will surely put some weight back on. Ha!

So what is a fruit and veggie fast? This was my question when my personal trainer first suggested it to me. Basically, it's exactly what you would think it is. For 40 days, all I eat are fruit and veggies. No nuts, beans, meats, absolutely no animal products whatsoever - so no cheese, milk, eggs or anything like that. I am going to supplement my smoothies with protein powder (no artificial sweeteners! thank you Jay Robb Whey protein) and I have already told myself I am allowed on special occasions to put some peanut butter on my celery. But only rarely.

My acupuncturist told me to back off the caffeine anyway, so that was on the plan regardless. I imagine I'll be experiencing a few headaches in the days coming up as my body goes through some caffeine withdrawal. I haven't been having a lot of caffeine lately though, just some sodas here and there, so it shouldn't be too awful. Also, my trainer's wife told me that as your colon becomes cleaner, you do start to get some pretty serious gas pains. Great, lol. Not looking forward to that one, haha.

So what all did I buy today? I made a trip to whole foods with my trainer and his wife (amazingly sweet of them to take me under their wing) and bought all organic fruits and berries like raspberries, strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, bananas, apples, oranges and grapefruit. I also bought tomatoes, japanese sweet potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery and kale. Another non-fruit and veggie cheat I'll be using is almond milk for the smoothies, by the way. Oh, and I bought a huge bottle of pomegranate juice, which I've heard is great for boosting fertility.

I officially started the fast tonight at dinner. I made a banana, raspberry, strawberry smoothie with almond milk, ice and protein powder. It was delicious! I am also drinking lots and lots of water and plan to go tomorrow to stock up on San Pelligrino sparkling water that I can drink with lemon and pretend it's sprite, LOL. I'm hoping to use a cute new notebook I bought to record all of my foods every day.

Overall, my plan now includes a 40 day fast, regular exercise, acupuncture, chinese herbs, metformin, prenatal vitamins, vitamin D supplements and lots and lots of water. I want to spend some time before IVF begins also working on stress-management techniques like meditation. In my heart, I know that I am doing all I can to make our dream of having a baby come true. I want to be my best self and I want to be healthy so that when I do get pregnant, my body will be a great, snuggly home for a little one to grow. I'll let you know how it goes!

Updates to the "Plan"

I got a call from my nurse yesterday. I haven't talked to her much in a while, so it was good to hear from her and get things settled in my head. Now that AF has arrived, I have officially started marking things off my IVF to-do list. Yay! I set up my CD 5-9 saline ultrasound for next Tuesday. This is to check for fibroids and any issues with the uterus that would prevent an embryo from implanting. Also, the nurse told me that Dr. T wants me to re-do my Day 3 bloodwork. That's the bloodwork that checks hormone levels, AMH, and FSH (which helps them determine quality and quantity of viable eggs remaining). I had this done last October, but they wanted more recent results. So, luckily I talked to her in time to get it done this cycle.

I went in early this morning to have blood drawn and damn, they took like 9 vials of blood! It was crazy! I decided to also get my infectious disease labs done since it's one of the IVF requirements. On Tuesday, George is going in with me to the saline u/s and he'll do his inf. disease labs then too. Also, he'll give his sample for freeze. Our clinic requires a back-up sample just in case, for whatever reason, the husband can't "perform" or isn't able to give a sample on the day of the egg retrieval. Hehe. George never is looking forward to this. I can't imagine how awkward that must be for a guy, but he's a real trooper.

The exciting thing is that after next week, we'll be almost through all the major pre-requirements to starting IVF! All we'll have left is the education class where we learn to mix the medicines and learn how to do the injections and such. And, of course, there's the little thing of payment. Ugh. Haha. I know in the end, it will be worth all the money we're spending. Luckily, we also have great insurance that will reimburse a lot of it, but as it stands right now, it's still going to cost several thousand dollars.

Nurse C said that on Tuesday, Dr. T will sit down with us after the u/s and discuss the official protocol we'll be using for our IVF cycle. I'm anxious to hear which drugs we'll be using and how it will all go down. She said whenever we're ready to start the cycle, we'll just pay the money and they will go ahead and order the drugs. Some people on my babycenter IVF forum have already ordered their meds, so I was kind of freaking out thinking I was way behind, but Nurse C said their pharmacy usually overnights the meds, so there's no reason to plan that far in advance. I'm so relieved to hear that! I feel like we're in very good shape for our cycle and I can't see anything standing in our way right now. Definitely good news :).

First Acupuncture Appointment

Yesterday, I had my first acupuncture appointment. George went with me even though the appointment was mostly for me. His swimmers are above average, hehe, so not much work needed there! (thankfully!) Still, he's always so supportive and tries to go to as many appointments with me as possible. The appointment was an hour and a half long and we started out by talking about basics like nutrition, my cycle, our plan moving forward, etc. I really liked the guy. He seemed very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. He wasn't pushy or judgmental in any way, which was also good.

It's no secret that my eating habits need to change. I typically skip breakfast and only eat twice a day. He was telling me that is a huge no-no. I should definitely be eating a healthy breakfast and then eating at least every 3 hours to keep my blood sugar levels stable. I have heard this before, but hearing it again just makes it sink in more. He also gave me some herbs to take that he said will help control my blood sugar levels. It's called Gymnema leaf extract and I'm supposed to take it 20 minutes before my evening meal. What's exciting about this for me is that he said I should be able to stick with just the 1,000 mg. of Metformin I'm taking now without going back up to the 2,000 mg. This is very good news for me. My stomach tolerates the 1,000 mg. pill just fine right now. It's the 2,000 that literally kills my stomach. He said that while metformin is good for regulating the blood sugar levels, it also works to keep some other minerals from being absorbed properly into my body. I'll do whatever I can to minimize my metformin intake but still get the benefit of the controlled glucose levels. Yay! Good news there.

After we talked for a bit, he gave me my first acupuncture treatment. I laid on my stomach, face-down on the table. He put needles near my ankles somewhere and in my calf, then in several spots on my lower back. I was nervous about how the needles would feel. Sometimes it pinched a little going in, but it didn't hurt, which was good. Then, he hooked up these little wires to the needles and put 15 herz through them, making them vibrate. He said this is good for getting the blood moving. He explained how this will work to bathe my ovaries and send blood flow to the uterus, stimulating the follicles to grow and mature the eggs faster. With PCOS, one of the major problems is that eggs take so long to mature and cycles are so long, by the time the egg is ovulated, it isn't any good anymore and pregnancy can't happen. He hopes to get me ovulating a little bit early and make the eggs stronger and more mature. Do I really feel this is possible through acupuncture? I'm a little bit skeptical, to be honest. Clomid seemed to do the same thing, but it still didn't get me pregnant. On the other hand, I would be beyond thrilled to get pregnant naturally before we start IVF!

After about half an hour, he came back in, took out those needles and had me turn over. Then, he put needles in my ankles, feet, arms, hand and one in the center of my forehead. He felt my "kidney pulse" and at first said it was a little bit weak, then after about twenty minutes, he said it was much better. I didn't really feel particularly different, but I'm going to trust the process and hope for the best. I go back next Monday afternoon for another follicular treatment and to discuss a total plan for my health coming up.

One thing he did say that gave me pause was that he recommends at least 3 months of acupuncture for me before we move on to IVF. Right now, there are only two months planned before we start. I really don't want to put it off any longer, to be honest. Still, I want to give this the best shot, so I feel torn. Who's to say one more month of acupuncture would make the difference? There's no way to know that. On the other hand, I want to come through IVF knowing I did everything I could to make it successful. No regrets, you know? We'll see what his plan is for me when I go in on Monday. Overall his fees are very reasonable, so I should be able to do whatever he thinks is best as far as continuing treatments and herbs. I'll keep you updated! It just feels good to be getting started and moving in the right direction for our miracle baby!

CD 1

AF came this morning. While I was working out, of course, lol. I got home from the gym and it was on. Cramps full force, which only adds insult to injury when you're TTC. It's like, not only do you have to deal with the blow of not being pregnant yet again, you also have to deal with feeling like complete crap and being in excruciating pain. Ugh. I am going to take another tylenol and hope it goes away by this afternoon.

The good news is that I was finally able to schedule my CD 5-9 ultrasound. It's one of those pre-requisites to IVF, so this will be a very good step in our journey. I had one of these done last year, but the clinic requires it to be done within a few months of IVF just to make sure there are no fibroids or tumors in the uterus that would cause IVF to fail. I feel confident that everything will be fine, so this is just going to get us one step closer to the good stuff. Dr. T is going to put some kind of "bubbles" in the saline this time around so we can get a clearer look at the tubes. I realize this seems strange since we're doing IVF and the tubes will be bypassed, but for my own peace of mind, I want to know if my tubes are blocked in any way or not.

So, the saline ultrasound is scheduled for 3:15 PM on August 9th. That's next Tuesday. On the phone, the nurse told me to be sure to take some tylenol or other pain killer about an hour before I come in. Nice. I hadn't been thinking about the pain of it, lol. I've been so focused on the process, I had forgotten to think about how the saline u/s felt. It does kind of suck for a few minutes, but I don't remember it being awful or anything. Hopefully this time will be the same.

I also left a voicemail for the nurse I work with most directly. I'll just call her Nurse C. I asked her to please call me back when she gets a chance so we can discuss my IVF protocol and whether I need to come in for a specific "plan" sort of meeting with her and Dr. T. Today marks the officially 2 month waiting period before we start our IVF cycle on October 1st. I'm very excited and very nervous at the same time.

Oh, and today is my first acupuncture appointment! 6:00 PM tonight. I had to fill out a ton of forms. Think I will print out my charts from FF too and take those with me. We'll see what he has to say tonight, but I'm hoping it will help me relax and also help us conceive. I feel like even though IVF is still 2 months away, we're finally starting to take real steps towards it, and that makes me very happy. On CD1, I usually am feeling depressed and wondering if I will ever feel the joy of seeing those two lines on a home pregnancy test. Now, though, I can truly find hope that I just might see it in 3 months or less!