Thursday, September 1, 2011

My Body, The Betrayer

I want to trust my body. I really do. I wish that I could be one of those women who understood her body and trusted that it was going to do what I expected it to. Instead, I feel like I've been at war with my body for the past 14 years. Infertility is just another one of those things that sometimes makes me wish I could trade bodies with someone else.

Here we are, one month away from starting stims for our first round of IVF, and my period is two days late. That could be a good thing, right? I mean, at least five people have told me happy little stories about their friends or family or whoever who got pregnant right before they started IVF. "I think it's because they were focused on IVF and not thinking about timing and they were just relaxed!" one friend says to me. You know what I say? Bullshit. Honestly, anyone who thinks a woman that is one month away from IVF is 'relaxed' is delusional. No matter how much I try to trust the process and believe that I'm going to get pregnant and all will be well, my brain is crowded with doubts and I'm pretty much never relaxed. AT ALL.

Anyway, back to the late period. According to fertility friend, I ovulated on day 18 of my cycle, which also happened to be the 18th of August. My average luteal phase is 12 days, so I should have started AF yesterday at the latest. In all my 13 months of charting, I have NEVER still had a high temperature at 13 DPO. Usually, I see my temp fall around 10DPO and then AF shows up the day after or 12DPO at the latest. Currently, I'm 14 DPO with a high temperature still this morning.

But I'm not pregnant.

Trust me. I've taken 3 FRER's (starting 11DPO), a dollar store test, and this morning, a clearblue digital. All BFN's. I just don't see any way that those tests wouldn't be picking anything up by now. There's no chance. This is just another way my body seems to betray me by not wanting to follow any patterns. Granted, I made a lot of changes this past month. My diet changed. I started acupuncture. I had that saline u/s with the bubbles. I've been exercising 5-6 times a week. I'm guessing all that combined has thrown my body into some kind of weird holding pattern. It sucks because I've done all those things trying to get healthy. Not trying to screw things up even more as far as my cycle goes.

What sucks most about that is I had it all planned out in my little head that we would be starting stims now on the first of October. Maybe as late as October 3rd or 4th. Now, with AF being late, I feel like things are even more up in the air than ever. I don't know when my period is going to start. I don't know how long next month's cycle will last. And therefore, I don't know when my IVF cycle will begin. Some random date in October, I guess. It's so frustrating.

I'm going to go lay down with my fertility meditation CD playing and try to find a place of calm and comfort.


  1. Oh that's really frustrating that AF hasn't started! (I know the feeling!)
    Hope it stops playing games with you and just starts already!!
    And ditto on the Bullshit!

  2. Hi! Just found your blog today :) Hang in there! PCOS is so frustrating because it pretty much has a mind of its own. If you are really worried about the timing, talk to your doctor about taking Provara to induce it. Then you can get onto the really fun daily injections :(

  3. Af is a pain the rear, when you want her to come she's late, and when you want nothing more than for her NOT to come, she shows up early... Biotch!
    Just a thought, once metformin had really started regulating everything my LP got longer, maybe that is whats happening for you. Also, if you are worried about your next cycle having a mind of its own, maybe you're dr. will allow you to take BCP for that cycle- that is what I'm doing with our next cycle.
    It is looking like I'll be just a couple of weeks behind you... exciting!! Feel free to email if you have any questions along the way, I did JUST do this after all :)

  4. Sorry for your frustration. I know how you feel! I was supposed to start Meds Next Friday for my 1st IVF cycle already got the Meds and everything. Then yesterday my doctor called and we are going to have to cancel it.

  5. Ugh, this is sooooo frustrating! I'm sure you just want a plan and schedule...dates to actually count on. I hope your period shows up soon and you can get this show on the road! I am sooooooo excited for your first IVF...I have a really good feeling about this working for you! :)
    PS Congrats on all the success with your book! I totally get how even though everything is going well you're scared it could go away at any moment. In answer to your question earlier this week, I'm writing about San Francisco...non-fiction about my experiences and what was going on in the city in general in the late 90s/early 2000s...I see it as kind of a love letter to the's written in a really weird way so not quite sure how it's going to turn out yet, but if I don't write it I'll never know, right?

  6. Hey lady, I feel the same way. I am worrying and worrying about everything and I simply cannot relax. And a possible change in my timeline really throws me for a loop. You are not alone. :)

    KTB (from BBC)

  7. It is so frustrating when our bodies don't cooperate. Seems to be a theme when you are dealing with IF though!! Hopefully AF will show SOON and you will be on your way!

  8. Just came across your blog today.

    As I fellow PCOS-er, I can totally relate! Things never work out the way that I think they should according to logic. We'll be (hopefully) starting our first round of IVF in January. I'm going to follow you, and hopefully I can learn some things along the way!

    I hope AF shows up SOON so that you can get started!