Thursday, September 22, 2011


Infertility is such an internal struggle. I worry that I'm being too emotional and everyone is looking at me like I'm weak or insane. I beat myself up for feeling so scared all the time. I stress out about not being able to relax (ha! go figure THAT one out!). I'm being incredibly selfish right now with my time and my emotions. I feel ashamed of my problems getting pregnant, and then ashamed again of not being stronger throughout this process. These are the bad emotions that haunt me. Stress. Worry. Shame.

Then, when I confide in other people about how I'm feeling, I often get comments like: "Relax! I have a friend who stressed out and then when she finally just gave up and stopped stressing about it, BAM, she was pregnant!" or "What's going on with Sarra? Oh, I figured she was just being emotional again." or "It's not always all about you." And let me tell you, those comments? Not helpful. I already know all those things. I already beat myself up enough about those things, but until you're standing in my shoes, you don't understand how difficult it is to relax. And you know what else? I'm allowed to be emotional right now. Don't try to invalidate my feelings, because that only makes me feel shame.

The bad emotions and thoughts aren't the only ones, though. Just because I say I'm worried or scared doesn't mean that's ALL I am. I'm also incredibly hopeful. I'm so thankful for insurance and great doctors and even the miracle of science that is IVF. It blows my mind that they can take the egg and sperm and create embryos in a lab. I daydream about what it will be like to be pregnant. I shop online for things I want to put in the nursery. I browse maternity clothing stores online for what I might want to buy and what might look cute on me. I linger in the baby section at Target, dreaming about my baby. Trust me, there are a lot of great emotions too. It's just that sometimes the worry is more helpful to talk about. Blogs are like therapy, you know? It helps to just get it out there and know you aren't alone.

Plus, there's a fear that if I talk about all the hope and all my dreams, then I don't get pregnant, I will look like a fool. Crazy, huh? But honest. 

So, I'll just have to ask forgiveness for now. Forgiveness from those friends who think I'm being selfish and emotional. Forgiveness from God for being so self-centered and not having a strong enough faith to believe that this will all work out okay. Forgiveness from my husband for all the tears and late night conversations (although I know he'll say there's nothing to forgive). I have to learn, also, to forgive myself. I have to forgive my own body for not doing what it's supposed to do as a woman. I have to understand that it's not my fault. I want to forgive myself for not working harder on my book right now and for choosing, instead, to take some time off so I can handle the stress, worry, fear, hope that is coursing through me. And I need to forgive the people who say those incredibly insensitive things to me. They don't mean to hurt me, I'm sure. They just don't understand.

Today, I will close my eyes and sit with my chin raised toward the sky, and let forgiveness wash over me. 


  1. Your post just made me realize so much about myself. I feel as if you just wrote this about me! That just goes to show how so many of us going through this feel the exact same way and have the same fears, worries, hopes. I just pray that we all have the same outcome in the end.

  2. Sarra sweet sweet Sarra. There is no need to ask for forgiveness. I read this and it brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly what you r feeling. Alot of us are with u and feel ur pain. Don't be so hard on yourself about expressing your emotions. U are allowed to feel down. Because I know the next day you feel twice as strong. I'm sorry ur having a bad day and I wish I could wave a magical wand and make things all better! Again no need to apologize. Ur an inspiration. Remember that always! Big hugs!! :')

  3. Right, and I want to punch anyone in the face, who says you are "being emotional again" or it's "always about you."

    This IVF process is a big, big thing. And it IS about you. How many of these people questioning your feelings have dealt with infertility and IVF?

    Unfortunately, if someone hasn't experienced the mindwarp that is IVF, there is a strong chance they will not understand what we are going through, at all.

    I am here for you, even thought it's only digitally.

    xoxo, -KTB_

  4. This is a lovely post. The way you describe all the emotions...I felt the exact same way, especially with my first IVF when there was so much unknown. I think you are doing everything right.
    Hang in there...thinking of you and sending you strength!