Friday, September 16, 2011


3 weeks away from starting stims. THREE WEEKS? OMG. I really thought by now that I would have found some bit of peace to hang on to. I planned on having my positive attitude perfected and being one hundred percent ready for this journey.


It's just not that easy.

I've been at the beach all week on a writing retreat with friends. I have a book to finish in three weeks, so I planned on this being the best writing experience where I could get tons of pages done and feel great and get way ahead. Wrong! I've barely written 20 pages all week. I've been struggling with every little thing lately. My book sales slump one day? I freak out and think the worst. A little misunderstanding with insurance? I freak out and cry tears of despair. Get a three-star review? You would think it was from the NYT or something with how much it affected me.

It's as if IVF has suddenly AMPLIFIED every other small stressor in my life. Instead of becoming peaceful and strong as we await injections, I'm becoming a mad woman. I don't like it one bit. Honestly, I know I'm a strong person. I've been through so much in my life and always manage to come through it and find the silver lining. So why is this so difficult for me?

I spent all day yesterday on the beach. I swam in the ocean, picked up shells, felt rejuvenated and really focused on remembering my own strength. I had this running ticker of positive thoughts in my head all day. I can do this. I am strong. Everything is going to work out exactly as it should. I'm going to be pregnant soon. I'm a talented writer. I've sold over 40,000 books in less than a year.

I came inside feeling great, had a nice dinner, everything was going amazing. My best day at the beach yet. When we got home from dinner, we sat down to do some writing sprints. I wrote over 2500 words in an hour, which for me is amazing. Then, I started reading over the words and doubting myself. All the negative thoughts came rushing in and I just couldn't get them to stop. This is rough draft writing. I'm never going to finish this book and get it published in three weeks. I can't do this. It's too hard.

Then, I checked my sales. This is something I do every night at midnight. I enter my books sold into a little spreadsheet I created so I can see my averages and such. I only sold 56 books yesterday. That's the worst single day I've had since January. I cried my eyes out. You would have thought the whole world ended or something. I called my husband, crying about how my career was falling into the dumps and how I didn't think I would be able to do it and how Amazon is changing their algorithms and what if I can't get my sales to come back up. Blah. Blah. Blah. Motormouth of negativity.

I went to bed feeling like crap. Woke up feeling so defeated. And of course, it's storming out there now so no sunny beach day to make me feel better. The week is over and I even though I had a goal of writing 40,000 words this week, I've only managed to write 6500. Dismal. I can't seem to get past this extremely emotional outpouring. I can't seem to focus on work at all. Every little thing feels ten times worse than it really is. And even just writing this post makes me realize how not-strong I seem right now. This isn't me! I don't want to be this person. I want to be strong and focused and successful.

But I also want to be a mommy. And while some people can achieve that easily and for free, my body just won't allow it. I'm pushing 35 and have PCOS and am just not getting pregnant on my own. It's just simply not fair. I've worked so hard to be a success and create my own business and life in so many other ways, but something like motherhood really just shouldn't be so difficult. I shouldn't have to work so hard at this. And I really wish I could report that I'm being strong and together and focused and positive. I know that's what everyone around me wants me to be and tells me I SHOULD be, but trust me, it's harder than you think. If you've never been where I am now, you probably don't understand.

So, ladies, dear friends of the internet who have been where I am and who DO understand what I'm going through - how do you do it? How do you work and focus and clean the house and concentrate and deal with all the little things that stress us out each day? How do you do it without freaking out and feeling like every little thing is so important right now? How do you stay positive while waiting for shots to begin? I need help figuring this out!


  1. Unfortunately I can't really help you on this one. I managed to be super calm, but it was the weirdest feeling in the world. The key for me was probably just reminding myself that I was doing everything thing I could, and regardless was of the outcome, I would eventually be ok.
    This is a big deal, and it is full of unknowns and scary things, you have every right to be stressed!!! BUT, you can do this!!!!!

  2. This is so hard. And even though stims are 3 weeks away, it's on your mind and affecting you already and that's OK. Cut yourself some slack on the book if you can. I've mentioned before for me writing and IVF just didn't mix. I did better when I allowed that to be OK and I jut didn't write (or wrote very little) for a while. It won't be forever.
    And for me...I wasn't doing this during my IVF cycles but doing my little posts on my blog about 5 good things that happen each day has been really helpful. Like today...I'm sick as a dog and exhausted and have a client who wants to do something stupid and my office and house are a mess and I don't have the energy to deal and there's no food in the fridge and my husband and I are talking about moving in the spring/early summer and it's freaking me out...would be so easy to focus on all those things, but I can also (and did) make a list of 5 things that are good today and that has helped me feel tons better.
    IVF is a big drain emotionally and physically and you are already in the thick of it.
    You can do this! I know you can!

  3. While I haven't entered the world of IVF quite yet, I've been trying to conceive for 5 years now, so I can most definitely relate to the feelings! For me, it comes down to making the decision to focus on other stuff. I have plenty of "down" days of course, but I have WAY more great days! I always try to remind myself to appreciate life where it sits right now, because I know that once we do have a baby, I may miss these moments.

  4. Wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog this week about your friend who lost her brother. I love the idea of a FB page people can visit...that sounds so lovely...

  5. First I want to say Good Luck on your IVF cycle!!! Three weeks will seem like forever but you can do it. I just wanted to share something with you about my experience with IVF. From the start I decided (once I decided to do IVF) I was going to have a positive outlook. And this may sound a little nutty but once I started my injections in my mind I was pregnant. I nurtured my mind, body and soul as if I were already pregnant. When I spoke I always referred to the pregnancy as being in the present and not the future. It really helped me and I truly believe it was good luck. I filled out the same pregnancy journal you have in your IVF survival kit. Just stay positive as much as possible and good luck hun!