Timeline

I'm still waiting for my exact 'plan of care' from my fertility clinic. However, I did get a sheet labeled "Visit schedule for the routine IVF patient". Of course, now I'm obsessing over this, lol. I think as the date approaches, I'm feeling more and more out of control. I know that there's very little that's in my hands right now. At least with regular baby-making, you get to have intercourse! With IVF, I'm feeling a bit powerless in a lot of ways, so I think I'm concentrating on the details that seem concrete.

Anyway, please humor me as I obsess over the timeline. 

Originally, I was told I would be on at least 10 days of birth control pills. In my mind, I've been preparing for a certain timeline that includes getting AF (aunt flo) around October 2nd, then starting about 2 weeks of bcp before we start injections. Then, yesterday, I heard from my nurse that no, she was pretty sure I would NOT be on bcp. Some part of me freaked out, because no birth control pills means the entire IVF timeline gets pushed up by 2 weeks. On one hand, it's incredibly exciting. On the other, it's also scary! Nurse C is running our IVF education class next Tuesday, so I will find out more for sure at that point. I guess it seems silly after all this time to be concerned about a two week difference, but I am! I want to know whether to expect a mid-October transfer or an early November transfer. In my head, it makes a big difference!

The other part of the timeline that's concerning me is the after-care. The sheet I have says '1st pregnancy test blood draw - 14 days after transfer'. Ugh. After reading all these blogs, I know that most clinics do a 9 or 10 day wait. I had already been excited about the fact that I wouldn't have to go through another full two weeks after IVF to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I have no idea why they wait 14 days! The embryo is already 3-5 days old when the transfer occurs, so right now, it just seems too long. And I really didn't want to take a home pregnancy test.

THEN, the excruciating part is that it also says the first pregnancy ultrasound isn't until 1 month after the first positive pregnancy test. WHAT??! Even normal, healthy pregnancies usually come in for their first u/s at six weeks! Why would you have to wait until you're 8 weeks along with IVF? Last night, I seriously went through every blog that I follow of women who have gone through IVF this year and gotten pregnant. And every single one of them had their first u/s at only 6 weeks. My thought about this is that if there's not really a living baby in there, I would rather know at 6 weeks than have to live through another 2 weeks worrying about whether everything is okay in there. If I have to wait a full month after the positive test and then I get in there and find out there's not a baby in the sac or there's no heartbeat? I'll freak out. It's just like prolonging the worry. I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to settle into really believing I'm pregnant until I see that baby on the screen and know that everything is okay. This is the part of the timeline that worries me most. I seriously do not want to have to wait until 8 weeks for the ultrasound.

Okay, Sarra, take a deep breath! Next week, we have our education class. It will be an opportunity to ask questions and hopefully get some definitive answers. I'm praying with all my heart that they are willing to alter their normal timeline and will agree to do that first u/s at 6 weeks. I can handle the 14 day wait until the pregnancy test, but the u/s wait will be awful. Please, please, please let them be willing to push that up!

On a good note, the timeline moving up means that if I do get pregnant, I will officially be into the second trimester by the time we go home for Christmas! That would definitely make me very happy! Also, I might actually find out if I'm pregnant by Halloween, hehe. And I love Halloween.

BFN

11DPO today. I wasn't going to test early, but then I wanted to know. I had to know, lol. I went out to the grocery store at midnight last night to buy a double-pack of FRER (first response early result) home pregnancy tests. This morning, it was the first thought on my mind when I popped out of bed. My temps were still high, so I thought there was some hope. You hear all these stories about couples who surprise conceive just before they start IVF, so I have to admit, there was hope there.

I took the test first thing this morning. BFN. Big Fat Negative. As always. Yes, I realize 11 days past ovulation is still early, but I usually only have a 12 day luteal phase, so I'm only at most 2 days before AF. I don't think it's too early for a positive to show on an early results test. I'm just not pregnant.

Technically, there's still one more cycle between now and our IVF cycle. However, I'll be at the beach during my fertile window, so I don't really consider it a ttc cycle. There might be a day or two we can see each other, it just depends on how my cycle progresses next month. If it's meant to be, it will be. My eyes are turning toward the IVF though now. I'm definitely feeling like it's going to happen and we're so close. Just one month away. I need to turn my eyes away from the disappointment of so many months of negative pregnancy tests and just be positive and hopeful that IVF will be the miracle we've been hoping for.

What A Difference...

It's so funny how a friend's pregnancy news can affect me so differently based on 1) Who it is getting pregnant and 2) How the situation is handled. I recently wrote about a friend of mine who, even though she knows about our struggle with infertility, still sent me pictures of her positive tests and said how "proud" her husband was for getting her pregnant their first try. Even more than a week and a half later, I haven't been able to see her or talk to her. I still get a bad taste in my mouth when I think about that word. Proud. Does that mean I should be ashamed for not being able to get pregnant after all this time? Anyway, that pregnancy announcement rattled me to my core and made me depressed for days.

Now, however, I have another friend's announcement, and it fills me with nothing but joy and hope! The news comes from a dear friend of mine on the internet. About a year ago, I joined Baby Center's forums to learn more about the process of trying to have a baby and to seek support from other women going through a similar phase in life. Never in a million years did I expect to make such amazing friends. Through one thread, seven of us ladies all connected and it was like meeting soul mates, in a way. Most of us were "advanced age" haha, and liked to joke about how being over 32 made you old when it comes to TTC. Some of the ladies in the group are younger, (late twenties), but mature and together, we all just clicked. I like to think it was fate. These ladies have become my daily best friends. Almost a single day doesn't go by when we check in together and say hello. We mourn each other's losses and heartaches, and we celebrate the good times together too.

Well, after more than a year of trying, another one of these dear friends from baby center is pregnant. When I read her news yesterday, there wasn't an ounce of bitterness or jealousy. There was only joy, hope and happiness. There were tears, but they were happy tears. I celebrated with her even though I've technically never even 'met' her.

What a difference between this announcement and the last, huh? It's crazy. Today, I started thinking about why one friend's pregnancy was so hard and the other so happy. There are many reasons why the announcements were so different for me, and since I like lists, I figured I'll bullet point them:

• While I do wish that everyone in the world could get pregnant on their first try, ( I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone!), when you're struggling with infertility, it's not easy to hear that someone got there so incredibly easily. With my local friend, it was hard to hear that it worked her first try, so it's harder to celebrate. With my BBC friend (BBC = Baby Center), I've been there with her for a year, and I know how important this is to her and how much she wants this.
• My local friend pretty much rubbed her success in my face. She didn't have any sympathy for me or the heartache I've been going through. That was tough and made me cry. My BBC friend, however, started her pregnancy post talking about where we all are in our journey and encouraging those of us who aren't yet pregnant and reassuring us that we are on the right track for our own little miracle. I reacted differently because the announcements were handled differently. What makes me saddest about that is the friend I only know online and who has never spent a day with me in her life was more caring and empathetic than a friend I've known for years who spends time with me on a weekly basis.
• It's possible that my local friend's news hit me harder because I know I'll have to actually watch her transition from not pregnant to pregnant. I'll be invited to baby showers and have to act happy. I'll have to sit through dinners and be excited about all their happy baby talk. But, when I think about it, I'll still be following my BBC friend through her journey as well, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Still, I guess seeing in person and seeing online are two different things.
• Finally, I think there was a degree of flippancy in the announcement of my local friend. It was like Boo-Ya! Look at me, pregnant. Ha! I'm bad, I'm bad, I know it. Uh-huh. In Yo Face! There's no deep appreciation for the creation of a new life and the process involved. But with my BBC friend, there's such gratefulness. I know that she feels the full extent of the happiness of her BFP (big fat positive). She appreciates it. It deeply affects her life, and I think that makes me feel instantly wonderful about her pregnancy because I know I will feel the same way.

Anyway, those are the reasons I think it affected me so differently when I heard the news from both of my friends. I'm an analyzer about these things, so of course, I had to analyze it. It's how I get to know myself better and understand myself better (which sounds totally cheesy, but it's true!). I tend to be really hard on myself, so the more I can understand why I react a certain way, the more lenient I can be on myself  at times when I'm feeling down. Does that make sense?

I am truly, deep-down happy for my BBC friend, who is now officially pregnant after more than a year of TTC. I keep wondering what that must feel like? To actually see those double lines on a home pregnancy test and to know there's a baby growing inside of you? Just over a month now until we officially start our IVF cycle, so maybe it won't be long before I know that feeling for myself.

My First Blog Award!

I know, it's sometimes the little things in life that can make us smile. Like getting your first blogging award or a new follower. Or comments!! Thank you so much to Waiting and Wishing for awarding me the "Virtual Hugger" award. I would give it right back to you, too, because your comments have been so sweet and amazing.

Here are 3 reasons why I love comments:

1. It lets me know that I am not alone out here. There are other women all over the globe experiencing miracles and heartbreak both, but we are in this together and we are here to support each other. I love to know someone is listening and someone cares enough to leave a comment and let me know I'm not completely crazy. :)
2. Sometimes, comments open my eyes to a new way of looking at things. Maybe there's a side to the story or situation I hadn't thought of yet. I like having the expertise of fellow friends and bloggers available to me through comments.
3. They just plain make me feel better. When I'm having a bad day or feeling really emotional, your comments make me feel loved and supported. It really means a lot to me!

Now, as part of the rules, I'm supposed to pass this award on to 10 of my top commenters... Um. The only problem with that is I don't really have 10 people who comment and/or read my blog, haha. However, there are some really special people I would love to give a shout-out to. You may have already received the award from another blogger, so no pressure to re-do your virtual hugger post, but I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your comments! 

Here are the official rules:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you, and link back.

2. Give three reasons why you LOVE comments.

3. Award your top ten commenters, and let them know about it.

And the awards go to.....

1. Diana at Bun(less) in the Oven 
2. LC at Still Dreaming (I know you already got it, but you deserve it twice!)
3. K at A Cup of Tea
4. LisaL at TTC Fatty
5. Kristen at Buck Up, Buttercup
6. I would give one to my Mom too, but she doesn't have a blog, haha. Thanks Mom for reading and commenting and always supporting me. I love you!

And thank you to all you wonderful ladies who comment on my blog and help me keep my spirits up. And thanks for blogging your own stories. You're an inspiration to me, every one of you.

Relax

One of life's biggest challenges is learning to keep a positive attitude even through the hard times. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we were talking about how people rarely know the right thing to say when someone they know is going through a hard time. In fact, I think some people get so nervous about what to say, they often end up saying the exact WRONG thing. There are some people in this world who are just not empathetic. They can't put themselves in your shoes and try to understand what's going on with you, so therefore, their comments often become insensitive.

With infertility, how many times have people said, "Just relax. You're trying too hard! If you just relax, you'll get pregnant in no time!" Oh really? Gosh, why didn't I think of that??? You've solved everything for me! Relax! Miraculous! I'm sure that if I relax, my PCOS will disappear and my eggs will suddenly magically become more mature and I will start to ovulate on day 14 of every cycle. Right?? With Cancer, people tell you to keep a positive attitude and that the power of positive thinking will save you. Really? YOU try having cancer and being positive all the time. My mother was saying that when her older brother died in a terrible car accident, someone actually came up to my grandmother and said "Well, at least you have five other children." WHAT? Like having five other children somehow makes the one that's gone just a throwaway? Losing a child can't be easy. It's devastating. Just because you have five more does NOT mean you won't care about losing another. And your first born son. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say!

Of the above mentioned things, I have luckily never lost a child or been diagnosed with cancer, but I am battling infertility. So often, the people who aren't going through it simply can't understand what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant. They don't understand what it's like to go in to a doctor's office ten times in your cycle to get poked and prodded. You think going to a yearly gyn. appointment and having a pap smear is bad? Try going in five times this week and having to pee in a cup, give blood and strip down to nothing so the nurse can stick the ultrasound wand in your hoo-ha and check (again) to see if there is any hope for this month. It's degrading and difficult. And what about having to explain to all the different doctors about your lifestyle choices, your sex life, past traumas, cervical mucus, your bowel movements, everything. It's not a fun conversation to have over and over and over. And to be honest, that's just the very BEGINNING of infertility treatment options. Now that we're moving on to IVF, everything gets ten times more invasive and difficult.

So to say that all you have to do is 'relax' is pretty much like a slap in the face. No. It's not just about relaxing. It's about real medical issues that are serious and heartbreaking. It's about very precise timing and complex dosages of very expensive medicines. There is so much that needs to be done from dietary changes to losing weight to shots to blood draws to ovary checks to egg retrievals, and the list goes on and on. Let's see YOU go through that and then you tell me how easy it is to just relax.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here because anyone reading this blog is either battling infertility or is being incredibly supportive of my journey. I just needed to get it out, so thanks for listening.

Un-Crosshairs, Acupuncture, and Good News

So, I have a variety of things I wanted to talk about today. I'll start with the weird/bad news first. Well, it's not necessarily bad, but it's disappointing. This morning, my temperature dropped low. 97.27. I was so excited to get crosshairs yesterday on fertility friend, but when I put in my temp this morning, my crosshairs disappeared. Very disappointing indeed. :( I know they say you can't base anything on one day's temps, but still, it's odd. This has never happened to me before. Does this mean I still haven't ovulated? I got the positive OPK's though, and the EWCM to indiciate it last week, though, so I really thought I did. Implantation usually doesn't occur until 7-10 days after ovulation, so it's way too early for an implantation dip. I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens to my temperatures then, but it's not necessarily looking so good for this cycle right now.

On a good note, however, I am meeting with my new acupuncturist today! After the bad experience with acupuncturist #1, I'm a little bit leery, but also cautiously optimistic. This doctor was recommended by my therapist and is known to be one of the best in the area. Unfortunately, he's also one of the most expensive, but it's all going to work out (more on this in the good news section below!). I have printed out all my fertility friend charts for him, and Friday I went to our clinic and got copies of my husband's SA and also all the follicle information from my Clomid cycles, etc. He will have lots of information to look at! He told me on the phone he loves working with infertility patients and has had a lot of success with IVF patients, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will make all the difference for us. This first consult with him is two hours long and costs $170. I'll know more later about how many sessions I'll do with him and how often, plus I think he's going to special mix some chinese herbs and powders for me to drink. I've heard bad things about taste, haha, but I'll try anything! His sessions after today will be $85 each. I do wonder how this stacks up with acupuncture costs in other areas in the country. Too bad it's not covered by my insurance! All told, we'll probably spend more than $1500 with him I'm guessing.

But now on to the good news!! Our clinic requires us to do a consult with the financial coordinator. I did this back in April when we first starting thinking about IVF and back then, she told me the embryologist was out of network for our insurance and would have to be paid up front. $4778 out of pocket two weeks before our cycle. After the cycle is complete, we could then file it with insurance (which then takes another 2 months or so to get paid). I know we're already extremely lucky to have such amazing fertility coverage. The company my husband works for was ranked in the top companies for fertility benefits and we have a lifetime max of $23,000 coverage. This was one of the deciding factors for us in moving on to IVF. We figured we might as well get the best chance of conception while we still have money left in insurance.

Anyway, I emailed the financial coordinator last night to ask if the charges would still be the same and she said, no, they have changed. I braced myself for the price hike, but it wasn't! Instead, now the embryologist is IN NETWORK! That means they can bill insurance directly with no out of pocket expense for us!! Yippee!! We will only have to pay for SA and freeze ($650), embryo freeze if needed ($400), anesthesia and facility fee ($1759) and medications (unsure how much we'll owe here, but I'm thinking less than $1000 copay). The only parts of that which won't be reimbursed are the embryo freeze and the meds, so we are in good shape! That's basically #3000 less that we'll have to pay up front! Now, that gives us more wiggle room to pay the high price of the new acupuncturist. See how it all works out!!

Everyday, I feel so thankful that we have this insurance that is going to help us bring our baby (babies?) into the world. Without it, we would be struggling for sure. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful.

Crosshairs!

I always get so excited to see the crosshairs on fertility friend, haha. As far as my temperature goes, it looks like I'm ovulating, which is more than I can say for a year ago. Yay for metformin and exercise and better diet! My temps never look smooth like some people's do, but I blame my erratic sleep schedule for that. We go to bed so late and on the weekends, it's even worse, so it's hard to get consistent readings. Still, it's super exciting when the crosshairs show up and say, yay, you ovulated!

In some ways, I feel like this is our best shot at getting pregnant before the IVF. It may be our last shot, depending on when I O next cycle. I have a beach writing retreat planned with some writing friends and it's 3 hours away. I think the week I'm gone will be the week I O (and toward the end of the week too, which makes it impossible). So, it might be a break next month, then on to bcp and injections for IVF. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was really hoping I would get pregnant this cycle so we didn't have to go through with the IVF.

I've heard so many stories about people saying, "Oh, we were going to do IVF, but then we got pregnant the cycle before!" 3 people I know have this story, which is a miracle and very happy, but will it be my story? Between the exercise, the eating right, the little bit of acupuncture, and the saline with bubbles that went through my tubes and potentially cleared out any gunk or mucus, why couldn't this be it for us? I'm 3 DPO (days past ovulation) today, so we'll know in less than 10.

Anyway, just got excited to see the crosshairs and know that I did ovulate this month!

My Ovulation Chart