Amplified

3 weeks away from starting stims. THREE WEEKS? OMG. I really thought by now that I would have found some bit of peace to hang on to. I planned on having my positive attitude perfected and being one hundred percent ready for this journey.

HA!

It's just not that easy.

I've been at the beach all week on a writing retreat with friends. I have a book to finish in three weeks, so I planned on this being the best writing experience where I could get tons of pages done and feel great and get way ahead. Wrong! I've barely written 20 pages all week. I've been struggling with every little thing lately. My book sales slump one day? I freak out and think the worst. A little misunderstanding with insurance? I freak out and cry tears of despair. Get a three-star review? You would think it was from the NYT or something with how much it affected me.

It's as if IVF has suddenly AMPLIFIED every other small stressor in my life. Instead of becoming peaceful and strong as we await injections, I'm becoming a mad woman. I don't like it one bit. Honestly, I know I'm a strong person. I've been through so much in my life and always manage to come through it and find the silver lining. So why is this so difficult for me?

I spent all day yesterday on the beach. I swam in the ocean, picked up shells, felt rejuvenated and really focused on remembering my own strength. I had this running ticker of positive thoughts in my head all day. I can do this. I am strong. Everything is going to work out exactly as it should. I'm going to be pregnant soon. I'm a talented writer. I've sold over 40,000 books in less than a year.

I came inside feeling great, had a nice dinner, everything was going amazing. My best day at the beach yet. When we got home from dinner, we sat down to do some writing sprints. I wrote over 2500 words in an hour, which for me is amazing. Then, I started reading over the words and doubting myself. All the negative thoughts came rushing in and I just couldn't get them to stop. This is rough draft writing. I'm never going to finish this book and get it published in three weeks. I can't do this. It's too hard.

Then, I checked my sales. This is something I do every night at midnight. I enter my books sold into a little spreadsheet I created so I can see my averages and such. I only sold 56 books yesterday. That's the worst single day I've had since January. I cried my eyes out. You would have thought the whole world ended or something. I called my husband, crying about how my career was falling into the dumps and how I didn't think I would be able to do it and how Amazon is changing their algorithms and what if I can't get my sales to come back up. Blah. Blah. Blah. Motormouth of negativity.

I went to bed feeling like crap. Woke up feeling so defeated. And of course, it's storming out there now so no sunny beach day to make me feel better. The week is over and I even though I had a goal of writing 40,000 words this week, I've only managed to write 6500. Dismal. I can't seem to get past this extremely emotional outpouring. I can't seem to focus on work at all. Every little thing feels ten times worse than it really is. And even just writing this post makes me realize how not-strong I seem right now. This isn't me! I don't want to be this person. I want to be strong and focused and successful.

But I also want to be a mommy. And while some people can achieve that easily and for free, my body just won't allow it. I'm pushing 35 and have PCOS and am just not getting pregnant on my own. It's just simply not fair. I've worked so hard to be a success and create my own business and life in so many other ways, but something like motherhood really just shouldn't be so difficult. I shouldn't have to work so hard at this. And I really wish I could report that I'm being strong and together and focused and positive. I know that's what everyone around me wants me to be and tells me I SHOULD be, but trust me, it's harder than you think. If you've never been where I am now, you probably don't understand.

So, ladies, dear friends of the internet who have been where I am and who DO understand what I'm going through - how do you do it? How do you work and focus and clean the house and concentrate and deal with all the little things that stress us out each day? How do you do it without freaking out and feeling like every little thing is so important right now? How do you stay positive while waiting for shots to begin? I need help figuring this out!

IVF Survival Kit

As IVF approaches, I can already feel the tension and excitement both warring within me. Seriously. It's like one second I feel hopeless and defeated, wondering how on earth I will handle it if this doesn't end in a pregnancy. Then, the next second, I'm excited and feeling like this could really be it and I might really be pregnant for the first time! My mind can't even keep up with my heart at this point!

And yet, stress can't be good for me right now. I know that I need to find any way I can to bring happy things and positive thoughts into my life right now. AF started for me over the weekend (Yay! Finally), so I now have a tentative idea of when my stims will begin. I'm guessing I have about 34 days until I start stims, which should be right around October 8th, give or take a couple of days. I don't know the exact timeline yet, and I know you have to learn to be somewhat flexible since you never know how long stims will take or how your ovaries will respond, etc, but I'm guessing I should be finding out whether I am pregnant or not sometime close to Halloween! For this reason, I have already started decorating my house. I also bought pencils to write with and to fuel my Hello Kitty obsession, this super cute Halloween devil kitty. Everytime I look at a pumpkin or this Hello Kitty or write with one of my pencils, I smile and think that this is going to be the best Halloween ever! This is the Halloween where we find out we're going to be parents!!

I've also been working on something I call my IVF Survival Kit. Basically, I just went out and bought a big pink plastic storage tub and have decided to fill it with things that will make me happy and keep me occupied during the IVF process. As I filled it up tonight, I took some pictures of what's in it. I'm thinking I still might have a few items I want to add before October, but for now, I'm feeling great about what's in there. Here are the contents:

 Books: I write YA fiction, and I have a TON of YA books that have been sitting in my house for far too long. I have been wanting to read these books for forever, but there hasn't been a lot of time for reading lately since I've been writing so much. Since I'm taking a break from writing during IVF, I thought I would use this time to catch up on some of the books I've most been wanting to read.

Meg Cabot's Jinx. The Candidates by Inara Scott. Wither by Lauren DeStefano. Sherrilyn Kenyon's Infinity. Andrea Cremer's Nightshade. And finally, the one non-young adult book on my list, Matters of the Heart by Danielle Steel.

Magazines: I have a huge stack of magazines that are just calling out for me to look through. I love to make collages and vision boards, so I bought some super blinged-out sparkly scissors to use to cut out some cool pictures or anything I find in the magazines that inspires me. I might make a baby collage or even try to find some inspiration pictures for my next YA series that starts later this year. My magazines are a mix of beauty mags and Home & Garden mags.

 A Pregancy Journal: I bought this last week at the local Borders going out of business sale. It was half-off so only cost $11. I picked it up. Put it back. Then went back and picked it up again. Part of me was scared I would be jinxing myself by buying a pregnancy journal, but in the end I decided that starting to fill out the information at the beginning of the book (like my family tree and our wedding info and such) was a good idea and a way to think positive and look toward the future. Also, being obsessed with colorful pens, I bought some new gel pens at Staples so I can fill out my pregnancy journal in style... and color. The inside pages are super cute, too. All pink and plaid and paisley and dots. I love it. Also each section has tons of room to paste in pictures of your progression as your belly gets bigger. Very cute!

Sanrio/Hello Kitty: Yes, I know. It's a crazy obsession. But I love Hello Kitty! I love almost all things Sanrio, period. I'm putting my Hello Kitty couture lollipop in the survival kit that I got at The Sugar Factory in Las Vegas just a few months ago. Also, I went to this store called Five Below where everything is $5 or less and bought some Hello Kitty notebooks, trading cards, stickers, a lollipop ring, some mints and candies and a Chococat Beanie Baby. These things simply make me smile, and there's never enough of that to go around.

 Entertainment Items: This is part of the whole keep-me-occupied idea. I'm thinking this will particularly come in handy during the 2 week wait after the Embryo Transfer. I have two puzzles, a Fable III game for Xbox that my sister gave me for my birthday and I've been dying to find time to play, and my entire collection of all six seasons of my favorite show in the universe - Sex and the City! I also have the first movie in there. I'm thinking I might watch a mega-marathon of the show (which always makes me happy) while putting together the puzzles.

A friend of mine was talking about lending me her True Blood DVD's so I figure if I need to watch something I haven't seen before, I can call her up. Also, I put a ton of stand-up comedy and romantic comedies on my Instant queue on Netflix, just in case.

Comfy PJ's and Misc.: From other blogs I've read, I need to be prepared to be bloated and slightly uncomfortable throughout this process. Both from the meds and from the multitude of follicles that will fill with fluid after Egg Retrieval. So, in an effort to be more comfy I bought some cute purple striped pj's that were on clearance at Target. I also got this cute, very plushy Hello Kitty sweatshirt since it will be starting to get cool by the end of October. Just for fun, I also bought a nice butterfly notebook where I plan to write daily affirmations and positive thoughts. I got shiny stickers to make my affirmations extra happy. And finally, I bought this cute skull and crossbones candle at Bath and Body Works that smells delicious! It's Halloween themed, of course, so it's perfect for helping me think positive thoughts about our Halloween-time Beta results.

I packed all of these things up in my big pink tub along with some dairy queen coupons (ice cream is always good comfort food) and lots of love and happy thoughts. I thought about asking my closest friends and family, the ones who know we're going through IVF, to write letters or cards I could put in my survival kit, but then I chickened out. I think I just got scared that if they didn't have time or didn't remember to do it, it would make me sad. And I don't want to feel sad right now. I just want to fill my box with things that make me smile. It makes me feel better just knowing it's down there in my living room, waiting with all those happy things inside that will help me through the tough times ahead.

Tomorrow morning is our IVF education class. We'll also hand over our final payment for the cycle. This is the last of our requirements in order to get on the official schedule and have our official plan of care drawn up! It's all starting to come together!! I have a huge list of questions, so I hope I don't annoy them, haha. I'm nervous about it, but also excited to be learning more and really getting close to starting the meds. I'm so hopeful this is going to work. Please, God, let IVF be the miracle we've been praying for.

Timeline

I'm still waiting for my exact 'plan of care' from my fertility clinic. However, I did get a sheet labeled "Visit schedule for the routine IVF patient". Of course, now I'm obsessing over this, lol. I think as the date approaches, I'm feeling more and more out of control. I know that there's very little that's in my hands right now. At least with regular baby-making, you get to have intercourse! With IVF, I'm feeling a bit powerless in a lot of ways, so I think I'm concentrating on the details that seem concrete.

Anyway, please humor me as I obsess over the timeline. 

Originally, I was told I would be on at least 10 days of birth control pills. In my mind, I've been preparing for a certain timeline that includes getting AF (aunt flo) around October 2nd, then starting about 2 weeks of bcp before we start injections. Then, yesterday, I heard from my nurse that no, she was pretty sure I would NOT be on bcp. Some part of me freaked out, because no birth control pills means the entire IVF timeline gets pushed up by 2 weeks. On one hand, it's incredibly exciting. On the other, it's also scary! Nurse C is running our IVF education class next Tuesday, so I will find out more for sure at that point. I guess it seems silly after all this time to be concerned about a two week difference, but I am! I want to know whether to expect a mid-October transfer or an early November transfer. In my head, it makes a big difference!

The other part of the timeline that's concerning me is the after-care. The sheet I have says '1st pregnancy test blood draw - 14 days after transfer'. Ugh. After reading all these blogs, I know that most clinics do a 9 or 10 day wait. I had already been excited about the fact that I wouldn't have to go through another full two weeks after IVF to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I have no idea why they wait 14 days! The embryo is already 3-5 days old when the transfer occurs, so right now, it just seems too long. And I really didn't want to take a home pregnancy test.

THEN, the excruciating part is that it also says the first pregnancy ultrasound isn't until 1 month after the first positive pregnancy test. WHAT??! Even normal, healthy pregnancies usually come in for their first u/s at six weeks! Why would you have to wait until you're 8 weeks along with IVF? Last night, I seriously went through every blog that I follow of women who have gone through IVF this year and gotten pregnant. And every single one of them had their first u/s at only 6 weeks. My thought about this is that if there's not really a living baby in there, I would rather know at 6 weeks than have to live through another 2 weeks worrying about whether everything is okay in there. If I have to wait a full month after the positive test and then I get in there and find out there's not a baby in the sac or there's no heartbeat? I'll freak out. It's just like prolonging the worry. I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to settle into really believing I'm pregnant until I see that baby on the screen and know that everything is okay. This is the part of the timeline that worries me most. I seriously do not want to have to wait until 8 weeks for the ultrasound.

Okay, Sarra, take a deep breath! Next week, we have our education class. It will be an opportunity to ask questions and hopefully get some definitive answers. I'm praying with all my heart that they are willing to alter their normal timeline and will agree to do that first u/s at 6 weeks. I can handle the 14 day wait until the pregnancy test, but the u/s wait will be awful. Please, please, please let them be willing to push that up!

On a good note, the timeline moving up means that if I do get pregnant, I will officially be into the second trimester by the time we go home for Christmas! That would definitely make me very happy! Also, I might actually find out if I'm pregnant by Halloween, hehe. And I love Halloween.

Relax

One of life's biggest challenges is learning to keep a positive attitude even through the hard times. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we were talking about how people rarely know the right thing to say when someone they know is going through a hard time. In fact, I think some people get so nervous about what to say, they often end up saying the exact WRONG thing. There are some people in this world who are just not empathetic. They can't put themselves in your shoes and try to understand what's going on with you, so therefore, their comments often become insensitive.

With infertility, how many times have people said, "Just relax. You're trying too hard! If you just relax, you'll get pregnant in no time!" Oh really? Gosh, why didn't I think of that??? You've solved everything for me! Relax! Miraculous! I'm sure that if I relax, my PCOS will disappear and my eggs will suddenly magically become more mature and I will start to ovulate on day 14 of every cycle. Right?? With Cancer, people tell you to keep a positive attitude and that the power of positive thinking will save you. Really? YOU try having cancer and being positive all the time. My mother was saying that when her older brother died in a terrible car accident, someone actually came up to my grandmother and said "Well, at least you have five other children." WHAT? Like having five other children somehow makes the one that's gone just a throwaway? Losing a child can't be easy. It's devastating. Just because you have five more does NOT mean you won't care about losing another. And your first born son. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say!

Of the above mentioned things, I have luckily never lost a child or been diagnosed with cancer, but I am battling infertility. So often, the people who aren't going through it simply can't understand what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant. They don't understand what it's like to go in to a doctor's office ten times in your cycle to get poked and prodded. You think going to a yearly gyn. appointment and having a pap smear is bad? Try going in five times this week and having to pee in a cup, give blood and strip down to nothing so the nurse can stick the ultrasound wand in your hoo-ha and check (again) to see if there is any hope for this month. It's degrading and difficult. And what about having to explain to all the different doctors about your lifestyle choices, your sex life, past traumas, cervical mucus, your bowel movements, everything. It's not a fun conversation to have over and over and over. And to be honest, that's just the very BEGINNING of infertility treatment options. Now that we're moving on to IVF, everything gets ten times more invasive and difficult.

So to say that all you have to do is 'relax' is pretty much like a slap in the face. No. It's not just about relaxing. It's about real medical issues that are serious and heartbreaking. It's about very precise timing and complex dosages of very expensive medicines. There is so much that needs to be done from dietary changes to losing weight to shots to blood draws to ovary checks to egg retrievals, and the list goes on and on. Let's see YOU go through that and then you tell me how easy it is to just relax.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here because anyone reading this blog is either battling infertility or is being incredibly supportive of my journey. I just needed to get it out, so thanks for listening.

Un-Crosshairs, Acupuncture, and Good News

So, I have a variety of things I wanted to talk about today. I'll start with the weird/bad news first. Well, it's not necessarily bad, but it's disappointing. This morning, my temperature dropped low. 97.27. I was so excited to get crosshairs yesterday on fertility friend, but when I put in my temp this morning, my crosshairs disappeared. Very disappointing indeed. :( I know they say you can't base anything on one day's temps, but still, it's odd. This has never happened to me before. Does this mean I still haven't ovulated? I got the positive OPK's though, and the EWCM to indiciate it last week, though, so I really thought I did. Implantation usually doesn't occur until 7-10 days after ovulation, so it's way too early for an implantation dip. I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens to my temperatures then, but it's not necessarily looking so good for this cycle right now.

On a good note, however, I am meeting with my new acupuncturist today! After the bad experience with acupuncturist #1, I'm a little bit leery, but also cautiously optimistic. This doctor was recommended by my therapist and is known to be one of the best in the area. Unfortunately, he's also one of the most expensive, but it's all going to work out (more on this in the good news section below!). I have printed out all my fertility friend charts for him, and Friday I went to our clinic and got copies of my husband's SA and also all the follicle information from my Clomid cycles, etc. He will have lots of information to look at! He told me on the phone he loves working with infertility patients and has had a lot of success with IVF patients, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will make all the difference for us. This first consult with him is two hours long and costs $170. I'll know more later about how many sessions I'll do with him and how often, plus I think he's going to special mix some chinese herbs and powders for me to drink. I've heard bad things about taste, haha, but I'll try anything! His sessions after today will be $85 each. I do wonder how this stacks up with acupuncture costs in other areas in the country. Too bad it's not covered by my insurance! All told, we'll probably spend more than $1500 with him I'm guessing.

But now on to the good news!! Our clinic requires us to do a consult with the financial coordinator. I did this back in April when we first starting thinking about IVF and back then, she told me the embryologist was out of network for our insurance and would have to be paid up front. $4778 out of pocket two weeks before our cycle. After the cycle is complete, we could then file it with insurance (which then takes another 2 months or so to get paid). I know we're already extremely lucky to have such amazing fertility coverage. The company my husband works for was ranked in the top companies for fertility benefits and we have a lifetime max of $23,000 coverage. This was one of the deciding factors for us in moving on to IVF. We figured we might as well get the best chance of conception while we still have money left in insurance.

Anyway, I emailed the financial coordinator last night to ask if the charges would still be the same and she said, no, they have changed. I braced myself for the price hike, but it wasn't! Instead, now the embryologist is IN NETWORK! That means they can bill insurance directly with no out of pocket expense for us!! Yippee!! We will only have to pay for SA and freeze ($650), embryo freeze if needed ($400), anesthesia and facility fee ($1759) and medications (unsure how much we'll owe here, but I'm thinking less than $1000 copay). The only parts of that which won't be reimbursed are the embryo freeze and the meds, so we are in good shape! That's basically #3000 less that we'll have to pay up front! Now, that gives us more wiggle room to pay the high price of the new acupuncturist. See how it all works out!!

Everyday, I feel so thankful that we have this insurance that is going to help us bring our baby (babies?) into the world. Without it, we would be struggling for sure. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful.

How To Deal...

I have been feeling very positive this week, so naturally, it was time for something to happen that will test my emotional well-being. I hate to write about other people on here because I realize they might someday read my blog and get the wrong idea. On the other hand, I created this blog as a place where I could go to journal about my feelings throughout this process. Something happened yesterday that I feel I need to talk through. Partly because it's hard for me to deal with or stop thinking about. And partly because I think it's something any woman going through infertility has to deal with several times throughout their journey toward having a child of their own.

There is one couple that is our closest couple friends, if that makes sense. The husband is my husband's best friend from college and they are very close. When I met his wife a couple years ago, we hit it off right away. We're a lot alike and they are both a lot of fun to be around. George and I have other close friends, but no other couple that we both get along so well with. Anyway, they recently moved back to our area and we spend time with them a lot. They just bought an amazing house that is probably three times more expensive than our place, which already makes me feel kind of... less, which I know is petty but completely honest.

Anyway, I knew they had talked about possibly having kids soon, but the last time we talked, she was on birth control. I wasn't emotionally prepared for the picture text message last night with two positive pregnancy tests. I'm definitely happy for them. Of course I am. They are our good friends, and I want them to be happy and I want to be excited for them. But at the same time, it's difficult. After texts of congratulations, she tells me this was their first cycle trying and how proud her husband is of that. I pretty much fell apart. Well, I excused myself to the bathroom and then fell apart.

I couldn't help but have these thoughts about how I've taken that feeling of pride away from my husband. He can never feel like that because I'm defective. After 13 cycles of trying to conceive, we're still not pregnant. And I am completely aware of the fact that many couples who struggle with infertility have been trying for far longer than 13 cycles. However, I've carried this fear around inside of me for 14 years. Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS and that doctor told me I might never be able to have children, I have been terrified that I would never be able to get pregnant. It's taken me years to find the right man to even start trying or to get into a position where we were able to try. And I've found that my worst fears are coming true. There's a constant doubt that runs in my head. Will I ever be able to get pregnant?

So when someone close to me gets pregnant, it's a reminder that I am not. I am still trying to learn how to deal with the pain of watching others get pregnant and have their babies while I'm dealing with infertility. How do I deal with the fact that one of my best friends got pregnant in one cycle and has already announced it to everyone when she's only 4 weeks along? I will never have the luxury of casually taking a pregnancy test and not feeling desperate about the results. I will never be able to happily announce a pregnancy at only 4 weeks, because the risk of miscarriage is way too high for that to be a good idea.

I know that what I'm feeling has nothing to do with my friend or the other women in my life who are pregnant. I would never want to take away from their happiness. It's all my own issues. My own worries and fears. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

What I should be thinking is how much fun it will be to both be pregnant together. I should be thinking about how great it will be that our best friends are also going to have a baby around the same time. We can enjoy days at the park together or baby dates and such. It'll be great, right? Instead, my mind goes to the fear. I think about the potential for heartbreak. I think about how I am going to prepare myself for a baby shower or dinners together if IVF fails. How am I going to deal with that? Or what will I feel if April comes and we go to the hospital to support them and meet their new baby, but I'm still not pregnant? I know I shouldn't let my mind go there, but I feel in some ways that I have to protect myself. I have to prepare myself. It's complicated and if you've never experienced infertility, I don't think you can really understand it.

So, my friends in the blogosphere? How do you deal with close friends or family who are pregnant? How do you act normal around them even when you're hurting? How do you find a way to let your happiness for them overrule your disappointment in your own situation?

Talk With My Nurse

I had a good long talk with my nurse today. She's so incredibly sweet and personable, so it makes me happy to know she is with me on this journey. She answered all my questions about the egg retrieval and the protocol. She said technically the protocol is an antagon protocol, but it's customized for my situation. I'll be on bcp for 2 weeks actually, then will start the micro-hcg and the stims, then also will add something to keep the maturing eggs from ovulating while the others catch up. She said I will probably stim for about 10 days, depending on how the eggs are maturing. Then, when I have lots of good follies ready, they will give me the trigger shot to do at a specific time at home. Then, we'll come in for the egg retrieval.

I asked her whether I would be knocked out for the retrieval and she said yes, but that it's very light. She said it only lasts about 10-15 minutes and I won't feel anything from the retrieval. Also, she said someone will call frequently to update me on the embryos and how they are doing, etc. She made me feel like we are going to be in really good hands here. She said there is always a nurse on call 24/7 and if I ever have any questions or concerns, I can call anytime day or night.

As for whether we will need ICSI (which is where the embryologist actually injects a single sperm into the egg), she said we will have to wait and see. The embryologist will decide whether it's needed once he/she has the eggs and the sperm sample. She said sometimes what they do is half ICSI, half natural just to get more information about the eggs so they will be armed with more knowledge in case the first IVF doesn't work. As for PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis), they will not be doing that for us since there is no indication of a genetic defect and no history of miscarriage.

I am starting to get a really good feeling deep down inside. This could really work for us! I might really be pregnant by the end of October/early November!! It's very exciting! I am in such good, capable hands and the clinic is very confident that this will work for us. I hope to keep this happy feeling in my heart throughout the process. It's still about 7 weeks away from starting, but I know it will go by so quickly and before I know it, I'll be starting birth control pills!

What To Do During the 2WW

I am already thinking ahead to what to expect during the month of our IVF cycle. I want to be as emotionally prepared as possible. The first part is the medicated part. I'm definitely worried about the hormones and the roller coaster ups and downs of the different stims and the level checks and worrying about how many follicles are growing, etc. I know it will be tough, but there will be a lot of action. Lots of doctor appointments and checkups and shots and things like that. The part I'm most concerned about is the two-week-wait (2WW). Waiting for the pregnancy beta tests after the embryo transfer.

I am trying to come up with a list of things to do throughout the entire cycle, but especially during the hardest time of seemingly endless waiting. Since I don't have a regular job, I'll be home all day every day by myself. That's a lot of time, and I don't want to spend it obsessing over forums about pregnancy symptoms, etc. What I'm wondering is how much will I be able to do after the transfer? Will I be on bed rest? I'm sure I'll want to take it easy for a few days after the ET (embryo transfer), but what about the rest of the 2WW? If anyone reading the blog has been through IVF and has any advice or knowledge of how long to rest and what the restrictions might be, please comment and let me know.

I feel like I have tons of questions. Like can I work out? What about taking a trip to the mountains or something? Is there any danger in riding in a car for several hours? I want to find a balance between being careful and being too careful. I don't want to live in terror for 2 weeks that I'll do something that could potentially harm the embryos or keep them from implanting. I know it sounds silly, because people get pregnant all the time and go about their normal lives and activities for weeks or even months before they know they are even pregnant. /sigh. Still, IVF is a bit different and more delicate. I just want to do the right thing. 

And, most importantly, I want to learn to manage any stress that might come up. Part of that for me is going to be finding ways to occupy my mind during the worst of the rollercoaster and during the 2WW. Here's what I have in mind so far:

• Fable III - My sister gave me this game for my XBOX 360 for my birthday earlier this year, but I haven't had any time to play. Games are always a good way to distract me from worry or anything, because I can lose myself in it, but sitting on the couch is also pretty much bed rest anyway.
• Everquest II - Another game. This is an MMORPG that my husband and I play together. We actually met playing this game. We quit for a while but have gotten back into it, so I might spend more time playing during the 2WW.
• Reading - I have a huge stack of books to read. If I can find one or two that really occupy my mind, that would be awesome.
• Sex and the City Marathon - My favorite show EVER and even though I've seen every episode at least 3 or 4 times, I haven't seen them in years. I might go back and put on a marathon of the DVD's.
• Puzzles - My father-in-law brought by about eight puzzles for me to do because sometimes I like to work on them while I'm plotting my novels. I have only done one of them, so I could set up a table in front of the TV and do puzzles while watching TV or movies or SATC.

So far, those are my best at-home ideas. We are also throwing around the idea of taking some days off and either going to the beach or to the mountains. Both are relatively short drives away, but the beach is closer. Also, since the 2WW will probably be in early November, the beach will be much cheaper. It will be too cold to go swimming obviously, but we could still maybe walk along the beach and sit up on the balcony or wherever and enjoy the sound of the ocean. The ocean always calms me and makes me feel better, so it's definitely an option. We can't book anything ahead of time, because there's no way of knowing exactly when the transfer will be or what might have to change along the way. Still, that time of year, it shouldn't be hard to book it last minute if we need to get away.

I'm hoping time passes quickly and before we even know it, we're getting a positive beta result! Still, I want to be armed with lots of ways to pass the time that can totally get me out of my own head for a while if I need it. If anyone else has any fun suggestions, let me know!

Decisions and Week 1

Wow, it's been a long emotional week! The good news is that no matter how upset I got, I didn't turn to bad food to make me feel better. This is a HUGE step for me! I also lost 7 pounds!!!!!! For one week, that's insane. And yes, I know it isn't healthy to lose 7 pounds a week every week, but it was a good boost for me. I actually walked into Zumba class today and the instructor yelled out, "Sarra! Whatever you're doing girl, it's workin'!" Hehe. Made me blush. I didn't even work out 100% this week AND I was bloated after the saline u/s, so overall, I'm feeling great about the diet.

This week, I've decided to start adding in a few things. I want to add in some lean protein like chicken and beans, maybe some eggs. I also want to add in some dairy. I'm thinking the occasional greek yogurt, but still no cheese since it's so calorie dense. I want to add things in gradually so I don't get tempted to go crazy with calories. I think I'll also stay away from grains, except maybe some Ezekiel bread, which is made from sprouted grains. I'm excited, because I feel like I've done a lot this week to break my bad habits with food. Now, I just need to stick with it.

George and I also made a big decision as far as our TTC journey. After pretty much talking about it all week, we've come to the decision that we are going to go ahead with our plans for an October IVF cycle. We are already emotionally and financially prepared for it, so why change our plans now when everything is set and ready to go? Also, with the 60% chance of success, it's by far our best bet for having a baby. I feel good about the decision. The only thing standing in our way right now is my book writing, so I better get on it!

Our IVF protocol includes the drugs Microdose Ovidrel, Gonal F, and Follistim. No lupron or anything like that. I'll also be on 10 days of birth control at the beginning. I am looking forward to learning more about the protocol and how it will all work. I'm not looking forward to all the shots, haha, but I am looking forward to the best chance ever of seeing that BFP!

My focus over the next seven weeks is my attitude. Everything else is in place for success. I've been working out, eating right, getting good sleep, taking my metformin and prenatal vitamins, taking extra vitamin D to get my levels back up to normal. I'm putting my best foot forward. However, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. I'm overthinking things and worrying way too much. It's time I found some positivity. I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday and I told her I didn't want to get my hopes up. She said, Just get your hopes up, Sarra. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just let go of all these reservations and just get my hopes up and believe that IVF is going to work for us.

IUI vs. IVF

It's been a tough week already and it's only Wednesday. I'm still having some pain and cramping from the saline ultrasound yesterday, and I know it's all my fault because I'm the one who asked for the bubbles! Last time I had the saline u/s, I didn't have much pain at all. And it seems I've only confused and stressed myself out by even bringing the possibility of another IUI to the table.

Here's what's going on in my head. It's like a ping pong game, haha. I'm trying to weigh the benefits of IUI first before we move forward with IVF and also thinking about timing.

Benefits of the IUI first:

• Much less invasive to just do another Clomid w/ IUI, which I've been through before.
• Much less expensive than IVF, which would help us buy lots of cute baby things!
• A little less chance of multiples.
• Conception would take place inside my body rather than in a lab and this might be ultimately better for our baby.
• Feeling like we did everything we possibly could before moving on to the more invasive IVF.

Those are my initial feelings on the benefits. Here are the drawbacks:

• Only 10% chance of it working as opposed to a 60% chance with IVF.
• We've done it twice already and it didn't work, so would I just be setting myself up for more disappointment?
• Timing. We don't really have the chance to pursue a fertility treatment until October because of my writing. That would mean IUI in October if we decide to do it, which pushes IVF back to November or even possibly as late as January depending on how well my ovaries recover from the clomid. If we push IVF back to Jan or Feb, I might have to redo the saline ultrasound and the bloodwork. Again.
• If it works, obviously there is no drawback, but if it doesn't work, I wonder if the disappointment will hurt my chances of going into IVF with a positive outlook.
• Using part of our insurance benefits for a procedure less likely to work, which could mean more out of pocket expense for the IVF round.

I just go back and forth with so many thoughts and doubts. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me which way is the right way. If someone would just tell me what will work! Of course, I would much rather we be able to create our child as naturally as possible. Since it's such a low chance of that ever happening just with timed intercourse, IUI would be the next best thing. Still, with only 10% success rate and already 2 failed IUI's, IVF really does seem to be the best chance we have. When we're holding our little baby in our arms, will it matter that they were created in a lab? I mean, the embryo is only outside of my body for a few days. After that, the baby actually grows and takes shape and develops inside my body.

TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster! How are we supposed to deal with all this information and decide what is best for us and our family? George of course wants me to do whatever I want or think is best. He's definitely on board, but is not exactly in decision mode. My therapist thinks I should follow my instincts, but her two cents is that I've emotionally prepared myself already for IVF in October and that might be best for me. Then, if IVF is not successful, we can always do an IUI next instead of IVF again. It will still be our choice. She definitely has a point.

Here's the other thing about the timing. If I get pregnant in October, I would be about 11 weeks pregnant when we go to visit my family back home in Georgia for Christmas. (give or take a week depending on how the timing works out) In my mind, I just have this incredibly happy thought of how amazing it would be to announce our pregnancy to everyone at Christmas. I also think that if it doesn't work, I'd have at least a couple months to deal with it emotionally before I had to go visit family with all their babies and pregnant bellies and kids and such. If we do IUI in October, I still might have that successful pregnancy story, but it's 50% less likely. Then, if that pushes IVF back to November, it puts me in a tougher situation during the holidays. If successful, the pregnancy would be really new and more fragile in the first trimester. I wouldn't be ready to announce it, but I might also have a hard time keeping it a secret (and my belly might show a little since IVF can make you bloated, lol). Also, if it didn't work, it would be really raw coming out of a failed IUI and IVF both and having to be smiling and around family and babies and such.

See where my mind is right now? I know I'm repeating some of what I said yesterday, but I'm just trying to work it out in my head. I don't even know what my gut feeling is right now. I'm just trying to work it all out. In the meantime, I'm supposed to be writing the final book in my YA series, lol. Needless to say, that's not getting done right now. Ugh. I am hoping once I make a decision and feel good about it, the writing will flow again like it needs to. I need to learn to give myself some time and space and get out of the stress zone. 

Saline Ultrasound Results

Today was my saline ultrasound plus bubbles, and let me tell you, the bubbles added PAIN. I remember the last saline ultrasound not being so bad. I mean, of course it's not the most comfortable thing in the world and it hurt while it was going on, but it was fast. This time, since I was the genius who wanted to get a look at my tubes, he added the bubbles and then spent a heck of a lot more time in there (even adding more saline) showing me exactly what was happening.

Here's the basics. My uterus and my tubes are both totally clear. No problems at all. Yay! Er.... wait a second. If my bloodwork is fine, my uterus and my tubes are clear and healthy, then why the heck am I not getting pregnant? Suddenly, all these emotions just slammed into me. Where is the real obstacle? What's going wrong?  And if the tubes are clear of any scar tissue, is IVF really the right next step? Did we try hard enough with the IUI's?

When the doctor was done and I had to get up, I got woozy because this time there was blood. Also, this sharp pain shot up my right shoulder and I felt like I could hardly breathe. Gas from the bubbles? I'm guessing that had to be it. I toughed it out and went to the consult with the doctor. He asked what we want our next step to be. I expressed my doubts about why the previous 2 IUI's didn't work and he basically said it's never a guarantee and if we wanted to do one more IUI w/ Clomid before we move on to IVF, we can.

Wow, after all the confusion of the last week and all the emotions, that just really hit me hard. How do I know what the right thing is to do now? George doesn't want me to do IUI and Clomid next cycle because I'm working on my fifth book and my plan was to finish it and get it published before I moved on with any more fertility treatments. Basically, he thinks there's no way I'll finish this book in time if I'm also doing an IUI. So, his suggestion is to substitute the IUI for the IVF in October's cycle. Give it a chance and if it doesn't work, move on to IVF in November.

But then I look at the calendar and just don't see how this is going to work. Let's say we do the IVF in November and it works. That would mean a 16 hour drive to NJ to visit George's family in early December when I'm only a few weeks pregnant. Then, another 8 hour drive there and back to Georgia to visit my family for Christmas. All that driving and traveling in the first trimester of a PCOS pregnancy, which is already high-risk for miscarriage? I'm just not sure that's the best idea. Of course, if IVF doesn't work, I'll be a mess the entire holidays and having to be around people and their kids isn't going to be fun either.

Of course, George then says that maybe we should just wait and do IVF next year. And this is how it happens. Things always getting pushed back and never working out the way I think they will. I feel like such a mess right now. I would much rather do the IUI and have it work without having to go through the injections and emotional rollercoaster of IVF, but we've already done two with no luck. Who is to say this time could be any different?

So, the saline ultrasound answered some questions and brought up a heck of a lot more than I was ready to deal with. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a conversation with your spouse that decides you're ready to start a family and then a few months later, you're pregnant just from having sex and being a normal couple. That must be the best feeling in the world.

Fruits and Veggies

I have made a very important decision. I have decided to go on a 40 day fruit and veggie fast. For me, this is a HUGE deal, lol. Food is my comfort and my stress-reliever and has been for years. Unfortunately, the foods I crave and want are things like chicken fingers, fries, cakes, candy, doughnuts, soda. These are all things that are bad, bad, bad. They are particularly bad for me because I have PCOS. All of those foods cause crazy spikes in my blood glucose levels and my body has a hard time regulating those levels and bringing them back down, which in turn causes all types of hormonal issues within my body. With only about 60 days remaining until my IVF cycle, I have decided to go through a detox program to both clean my body of toxins and to reset my cravings.

Am I terrified? Yes. Oh God, yes! I've never done anything like this in my life except when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and a nutritionist suggested I become vegetarian. I did it for several months before my then-boyfriend made fun of me for not eating steak and it was all over. Oh, how weak I was back then, haha. Now, I am hoping to be very strong and stick to this program that I know will make me healthier, help me detox and get rid of all the negative things in my digestive system, and hopefully help me jumpstart some weight loss. The weight loss will definitely help come IVF time, when the meds will surely put some weight back on. Ha!

So what is a fruit and veggie fast? This was my question when my personal trainer first suggested it to me. Basically, it's exactly what you would think it is. For 40 days, all I eat are fruit and veggies. No nuts, beans, meats, absolutely no animal products whatsoever - so no cheese, milk, eggs or anything like that. I am going to supplement my smoothies with protein powder (no artificial sweeteners! thank you Jay Robb Whey protein) and I have already told myself I am allowed on special occasions to put some peanut butter on my celery. But only rarely.

My acupuncturist told me to back off the caffeine anyway, so that was on the plan regardless. I imagine I'll be experiencing a few headaches in the days coming up as my body goes through some caffeine withdrawal. I haven't been having a lot of caffeine lately though, just some sodas here and there, so it shouldn't be too awful. Also, my trainer's wife told me that as your colon becomes cleaner, you do start to get some pretty serious gas pains. Great, lol. Not looking forward to that one, haha.

So what all did I buy today? I made a trip to whole foods with my trainer and his wife (amazingly sweet of them to take me under their wing) and bought all organic fruits and berries like raspberries, strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, bananas, apples, oranges and grapefruit. I also bought tomatoes, japanese sweet potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery and kale. Another non-fruit and veggie cheat I'll be using is almond milk for the smoothies, by the way. Oh, and I bought a huge bottle of pomegranate juice, which I've heard is great for boosting fertility.

I officially started the fast tonight at dinner. I made a banana, raspberry, strawberry smoothie with almond milk, ice and protein powder. It was delicious! I am also drinking lots and lots of water and plan to go tomorrow to stock up on San Pelligrino sparkling water that I can drink with lemon and pretend it's sprite, LOL. I'm hoping to use a cute new notebook I bought to record all of my foods every day.

Overall, my plan now includes a 40 day fast, regular exercise, acupuncture, chinese herbs, metformin, prenatal vitamins, vitamin D supplements and lots and lots of water. I want to spend some time before IVF begins also working on stress-management techniques like meditation. In my heart, I know that I am doing all I can to make our dream of having a baby come true. I want to be my best self and I want to be healthy so that when I do get pregnant, my body will be a great, snuggly home for a little one to grow. I'll let you know how it goes!

Updates to the "Plan"

I got a call from my nurse yesterday. I haven't talked to her much in a while, so it was good to hear from her and get things settled in my head. Now that AF has arrived, I have officially started marking things off my IVF to-do list. Yay! I set up my CD 5-9 saline ultrasound for next Tuesday. This is to check for fibroids and any issues with the uterus that would prevent an embryo from implanting. Also, the nurse told me that Dr. T wants me to re-do my Day 3 bloodwork. That's the bloodwork that checks hormone levels, AMH, and FSH (which helps them determine quality and quantity of viable eggs remaining). I had this done last October, but they wanted more recent results. So, luckily I talked to her in time to get it done this cycle.

I went in early this morning to have blood drawn and damn, they took like 9 vials of blood! It was crazy! I decided to also get my infectious disease labs done since it's one of the IVF requirements. On Tuesday, George is going in with me to the saline u/s and he'll do his inf. disease labs then too. Also, he'll give his sample for freeze. Our clinic requires a back-up sample just in case, for whatever reason, the husband can't "perform" or isn't able to give a sample on the day of the egg retrieval. Hehe. George never is looking forward to this. I can't imagine how awkward that must be for a guy, but he's a real trooper.

The exciting thing is that after next week, we'll be almost through all the major pre-requirements to starting IVF! All we'll have left is the education class where we learn to mix the medicines and learn how to do the injections and such. And, of course, there's the little thing of payment. Ugh. Haha. I know in the end, it will be worth all the money we're spending. Luckily, we also have great insurance that will reimburse a lot of it, but as it stands right now, it's still going to cost several thousand dollars.

Nurse C said that on Tuesday, Dr. T will sit down with us after the u/s and discuss the official protocol we'll be using for our IVF cycle. I'm anxious to hear which drugs we'll be using and how it will all go down. She said whenever we're ready to start the cycle, we'll just pay the money and they will go ahead and order the drugs. Some people on my babycenter IVF forum have already ordered their meds, so I was kind of freaking out thinking I was way behind, but Nurse C said their pharmacy usually overnights the meds, so there's no reason to plan that far in advance. I'm so relieved to hear that! I feel like we're in very good shape for our cycle and I can't see anything standing in our way right now. Definitely good news :).

CD 1

AF came this morning. While I was working out, of course, lol. I got home from the gym and it was on. Cramps full force, which only adds insult to injury when you're TTC. It's like, not only do you have to deal with the blow of not being pregnant yet again, you also have to deal with feeling like complete crap and being in excruciating pain. Ugh. I am going to take another tylenol and hope it goes away by this afternoon.

The good news is that I was finally able to schedule my CD 5-9 ultrasound. It's one of those pre-requisites to IVF, so this will be a very good step in our journey. I had one of these done last year, but the clinic requires it to be done within a few months of IVF just to make sure there are no fibroids or tumors in the uterus that would cause IVF to fail. I feel confident that everything will be fine, so this is just going to get us one step closer to the good stuff. Dr. T is going to put some kind of "bubbles" in the saline this time around so we can get a clearer look at the tubes. I realize this seems strange since we're doing IVF and the tubes will be bypassed, but for my own peace of mind, I want to know if my tubes are blocked in any way or not.

So, the saline ultrasound is scheduled for 3:15 PM on August 9th. That's next Tuesday. On the phone, the nurse told me to be sure to take some tylenol or other pain killer about an hour before I come in. Nice. I hadn't been thinking about the pain of it, lol. I've been so focused on the process, I had forgotten to think about how the saline u/s felt. It does kind of suck for a few minutes, but I don't remember it being awful or anything. Hopefully this time will be the same.

I also left a voicemail for the nurse I work with most directly. I'll just call her Nurse C. I asked her to please call me back when she gets a chance so we can discuss my IVF protocol and whether I need to come in for a specific "plan" sort of meeting with her and Dr. T. Today marks the officially 2 month waiting period before we start our IVF cycle on October 1st. I'm very excited and very nervous at the same time.

Oh, and today is my first acupuncture appointment! 6:00 PM tonight. I had to fill out a ton of forms. Think I will print out my charts from FF too and take those with me. We'll see what he has to say tonight, but I'm hoping it will help me relax and also help us conceive. I feel like even though IVF is still 2 months away, we're finally starting to take real steps towards it, and that makes me very happy. On CD1, I usually am feeling depressed and wondering if I will ever feel the joy of seeing those two lines on a home pregnancy test. Now, though, I can truly find hope that I just might see it in 3 months or less!

Feeling Better'ish

I'm still having some dizzy spells. I feel like I've been asleep for almost all of the past twenty-four hours, haha. Sudafed is definitely knocking me down, not to mention the heat outside that makes me want to stay in and curl up in the air conditioning.

On a good note, my temperature is still up this morning. I have been so incredibly bad about keeping my chart updated this month. Between our trip to Vegas and a lot of late nights working, I just wasn't able to take a consistent temperature reading. My chart looks all wonky this month. I wasn't sure I would ovulate, but somewhere around CD 18, I got a positive OPK. Now, my temperature has been up over 98 for the past few days, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated. Unfortunately, I am still not sure when to expect AF to show her ugly face, but hopefully it won't be too much longer. I'm anxious to get in for my saline u/s next cycle to get the IVF ball rolling.

Of course, I would be fine if AF didn't come at all for the next, say, nine months. :) In the meantime, I think I've got about five or six more days to wait and see. Hopefully by then, this inner ear infection will be gone and I'll be back to normal.

Building My Sanctuary

Our bedroom is awful. When I first moved in with my husband, his house was pretty much not decorated at all. I spent some time a few years ago painting and trying to make this more of a home, but I'm not the most talented interior decorator, haha. (To say the least!) The downstairs, the bathroom, and the office got some love, but our bedroom got ignored. It was partly about money and partly about time.

Now, however, I want to make our bedroom a sanctuary. I want it to be a place I can relax and destress and feel good. I know that throughout most IVF cycles, there are at least a few days of bed rest, and I want our bedroom to be an awesome place to do that.

Right now, our bedroom has zero artwork, a plain white down comforter (no duvet), no headboard, no curtains, an old dresser from when George was still in high school, and a rack of computers, LOL. No exactly romantic or relaxing! There is definitely a lot of room for improvement. Unfortunately, there's so much that needs to be done, it could get pretty expensive. With the expense of IVF already climbing, we don't want to spend too much money on the room.

Here's my idea so far for the room. I just ordered the prettiest 10 piece bedding set (on sale!) from JC Penney. It's called Serenade, and I love it.

Instead of the current off-white walls, we're going to paint this gorgeous blue called Twin Cities from Valspar paint. I think it's going to be perfect! I think the blue will be very relaxing and beautiful and calming. On the beautiful dark wood nightstands my dad built us last year for Christmas, I want to put vases with beautiful silk white flowers. I also hope to put some nice artwork on the wall that brings in the nature theme and brings some life into the room. A good friend of mine that I met on the Baby Center forums is a designer. She's the one who suggested the paint color (with a nod to the fact that we might have twins, hehe) and also this branch wall art.

Design-wise, I think those are some good starting elements. I love the earthy theme and the calming colors, and I really think this is going to be a great place to meditate and unwind while we go through the rollercoaster of IVF. We are also going to try to put a new headboard and a new dresser in the room, as well as some nice off-white or dark brown/green curtains that match the leaves in the bedding. I'll try to post pictures when we're finished. My hope is that our bedroom becomes a sanctuary while we are TTC and also a great place to call our own when we begin to share our home with a new baby (or two :).

Our Plan Moving Forward

I thought I would take a post to organize my own thoughts on our current TTC plan. After talking with our doctor at NCCRM in April after several failed IUI's and Clomid cycles, we decided to move forward with IVF. Rather than just rush into it and start right away, we decided to take several months to prepare, save money, and try to get into a better place for IVF. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking we might get pregnant on our own before it came to that, but after four cycles without fertility meds, we still are not pregnant, so we are looking on toward the upcoming IVF and setting our sites on success.

At first, we planned to start IVF in August, but as most of you know, I'm a writer. I just released the fourth book in my YA series. There is one final book left in this series and rather than go through the emotional roller coaster of IVF (and possibly morning sickness soon after, hehe) while I'm still writing this series, I thought it would be better for me to write and publish the final book before we begin IVF. I am just starting book 5 now and hope that it can be finished and published by mid-September. (fingers crossed!) In the meantime, we are going to get all our little ducks in a row so that when the book is published, we are 100% ready to move forward.

Here are the major things that we need to do before we can start meds:

• Saline Ultrasound - this has to be done during CD 5-9. I've already had one of these done, but that was back in November and my clinic's policy is to do another one right before IVF to guarantee that there are no tumors or fibroids in my uterus that would prevent an embryo from implanting. Also, I've asked my doctor to check my tubes just to see for sure if they are blocked. Instead of performing a painful HSG, he said he can add bubbles to the saline and see the tubes clearly. I plan to go in for this u/s during this next cycle.
• IVF Labs - George and I both will need to get blood tests done to check for infectious diseases (I think this is a federal requirement for IVF). I'm not sure yet if I will need to also get another check of my FSH and AMH and all that good stuff since I had those tests done less than a year ago, but we'll see.
• Acupuncture Initial Evaluation - I know that acupuncture isn't a necessity when it comes to IVF, but I'd like to go for it and do everything I can to give IVF its best chance for success. Some studies say that acupuncture can increase implantation rates, so I'm going to go for it. We have a couple's evaluation already scheduled for August 1st.
• S/A and Freeze - This is all George, haha. He's had a semen analysis done several times before and everything has been awesome with his results (above average which is great), but the fertility clinic requires him to do another and they also require a sample to be frozen ahead of time just in case there is something that prevents him from giving a sample on the day of retrieval. That way, there's always a backup if anything happens. The freeze is one thing insurance does not cover, so that's $200 out of pocket, but totally worth it.
• Weight Loss - My doctor says that he doesn't believe my current weight will cause any problems with IVF, but he did say that any amount of weight I can lose before the procedure will only help the maturity and quality of the eggs retrieved. I am very disappointed to say that since this time last year, I've gained nearly 20 pounds. Ugh. How does that happen? Well, I know how it happened. I gained nearly all 20 pounds during the clomid rounds and it totally sucks! It scares me about the drugs for IVF and how my body will handle it. Am I going to gain a bunch of weight? I hope not. I definitely need to drop some of this weight. I am working with a personal trainer 3 times a week, going to Zumba classes, Yoga classes, and walking a lot with George. I also have a new diet plan, so I am confident I can drop that 20 pounds before we start meds. However, I am also happy to know that my doctor doesn't think my current weight is going to be an issue.

So that's our list. Once the book is finished and the list is done, we'll start the official process. I don't know all the details of the meds I'll be taking yet, but I do know a few things. Here is a rough outline of what our IVF plan will be:

• Birth control pills for 10 days to restart my cycle.
• Clomid starting cycle day 2.
• Injectables (not sure which ones yet) for 10-12 days.
• U/S every 2 or 3 days throughout injection period and E2 check.
• When follicles are ready, trigger shot.
• 36 hours later - Egg Retrieval (not looking forward to anethesia here, but going to stay calm).
• 3-5 days Later - Embryo Transfer (My doctor plans to transfer two embryos as long as there are two near-perfect ones to transfer. I'm very hopeful we can get at least two great embryos.) Any remaining embryos will be frozen for a possible FET round (Frozen Embryo Transfer) if IVF is not successful. 

Our chance of success is between 50-60% with IVF at this clinic, and I'm feeling really good about it. An FET round has a 30-40% success rate, so as long as we can get at least 4 healthy embryos, we have a really good shot of being pregnant within the next six months. I'm so nervous, but also excited about the future. I'm so glad we have a plan now and are moving forward with IVF. Even though the actual retrieval and transfer are probably still three months away, I know that time is going to fly by and it will be here before we know it.

Las Vegas, a New Blog Design, and a Focus Shift

George and I are home from Las Vegas! We had the most amazing 9 days in the city. For us, this was both a celebration (his birthday) and a time for relaxation before we start our journey toward IVF. We both really needed an amazing week to let go of all the stress of the past year of failed fertility assistance. We needed some time to reconnect and just enjoy being together. It's my hope that our Vegas trip will also end up being our last vacation before we're pregnant! Here's a picture we took. Don't we just look so happy?

(Note: Yes, I do have blue hair, lol. My Dr. at NCCRM says no more hair dye once we get started, so I'll have to go back to plain brown soon, but for now, it's still blue and expressive, hehe.)

While I was away, I was also working with Faith of A Design of Faith to do a complete redesign of my blog, and I couldn't be happier with the results!! Thank you so much, Faith. You did an amazing job and I am so incredibly grateful. This was something I really wanted to do for myself so that I can have a beautiful place online to share my feelings throughout this roller coaster ride of TTC. As of today, I am going to make a pledge to blog every day. I think it will definitely be therapeutic for me to be open about my feelings. IVF is feeling so real right now even though it's been pushed back a few times. We're really at the beginning stages right now, so this is the perfect time to rededicate myself to my own blog and opening myself up to what's about to happen in our lives.

Now that our vacation is over, I feel a major focus shift deep inside. I've been wanting to have a baby for so long, but there have always been obstacles in my way. Now that my life is finally in a good place and I have finally found the most amazing man to raise a family with, we're having trouble getting pregnant. With the PCOS, I always knew this was a possibility. Still, there was a part of me deep down that hoped when the time was right, I wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant. It's heartbreaking to see that all those fears are coming true. I always thought IVF was a last-chance scenario, so to find ourselves in a place where it's the next step has been really hard to swallow.

When we first talked to our doctor about IVF this past Spring, I kept thinking we might still get pregnant in the meantime and not even need it. Month after month has gone by with no BFP. My chart is showing that I'm ovulating, so what's the problem? It's just heartbreaking and so frustrating. I feel like now I have to just let it go of all those fears and frustrations and just know that this is our path. IVF is going to be our miracle. I'll write more about our upcoming timeline tomorrow, but for now, I'm just focusing on getting healthy, working out to try to lose a little bit of weight before we begin meds and doing my best to relieve any stress. This is our time, and I'm going to embrace it and do everything I can to contribute to a successful first (and only! I hope!) round of IVF.

A Friend's Sadness

I heard from a friend of mine today that her second round of IVF was not successful. My heart just broke for her when I heard the news. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about six years now with no success. News like this is difficult for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I feel awful for my friend. I know how important this was for her, and I can't imagine the heartbreak she must be feeling to know that even after all these years and all this effort, she still isn't pregnant. My friend is almost 40 years old, so she feels that time is running out for her. Yet, at the same time, she has a good attitude. She hasn't let her infertility make her hopeless. She still has every hope that someday she will be a mother. Her faith is inspirational.

The second reason her news is difficult to hear is that I know I'm about to embark on my first round of IVF in a few months. It's a completely selfish to be thinking of myself when it's her disappointment, but I also need to be honest about how I'm feeling.

After my initial heartbreak for her, I realized that her difficulty also made me feel very scared about my upcoming IVF. I know this isn't our only shot at getting pregnant, but it's definitely a huge investment. Financially AND Emotionally. For so long, IVF has seemed to be a last resort tactic. I always thought it was the final chance before having to look at options like surrogacy and/or adoption. I want so badly to be able to carry my own baby, and the thought of being at the end of that road - so to speak - is terrifying.

So even though it might sound selfish, hearing that someone else's IVF cycle failed brings up those natural feelings of fear within myself. Some part of me screams, "What if my cycle fails too? What if I can never carry a child and be a mother?" It's definitely a scary thought. I know that we can try more than once, but the unknown of it is what scares me the most. I've read stories of people's cycles having to be canceled because of overstimulation or some other complication. Also, sometimes the embryos don't survive long enough to be transferred. There are so many things that can go wrong.

How do you live through this experience and still keep hope alive? How do you hear about other people's failure and still believe in your heart that there's something different in store for you? I don't know the answer to that. The only thing I can say is that I'm going to try to separate her experience from mine. Yes, it's heart-breaking, and yes, I will mourn with her and give her all of my support. On the other hand, I have to understand that her journey is not my journey. There is no way to know how my IVF cycle will turn out. My doctor gives me a 60% chance of success, and right now, that's all that matters for me. In my heart, I have to still believe that IVF will work for us. My journey. My outcome. An outcome I can't control. Allowing fear and doubt to creep in and control my attitude is only going to hurt me. I need to wake up every day and find a way to foster faith and love and most of all, HOPE.

Getting Into the Habit and Delays

I am used to blogging. In fact, I try to blog everyday. I have a blog for my writing career that has over 600 posts. But for some reason, when it comes to getting into the habit of keeping up with this blog about TTC, I just haven't been very good. I really think it would be good for me to get my fears off my chest. I think it would be good to talk about everything I'm going through with infertility. I know that no one else ever reads the blog, but it's more for me than anyone else. And maybe if I share what I'm thinking, eventually someone like me might stumble on this blog and find some comfort in what I've been through. I aim to try harder to post more often.

Since I'm writing today, I wanted to talk about the most recent news and struggles as far as IVF. Our plan was to begin IVF treatments on August 1st. I called to talk to my nurse the other day about the possibility of having an HSG done. I know the saline u/s I had done last October checked my uterus for fibroids and allowed the doctor to see my tubes. At the time, he said they "looked clear". Most of my friends on the baby center forums, however, had HSG's done instead of saline u/s and I began to wonder why. I asked the nurse, who then talked to the doctor. She said the doctor usually performs saline u/s instead, because HSG is limited to only checking the tubes and is more invasive than the saline, which checks both tubes and uterus.

We talked more about it and she said that if I really wanted to get a better look at my tubes before we proceed with IVF, the doctor said he would do another saline u/s (which they have to do anyway again before the IVF since the saline u/s is only good for six months). This time, though, he's going to put bubbles in the saline so he can see them passing through the tubes more clearly. Hehe. Bubbles! I wonder if it will feel any different? The trick is that a saline u/s has to be done on CD 5-9. When I talked to the nurse, I was already on CD 11 so it was too late for this month. In 22 days, my husband and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation. Based on previous cycles, it's totally possible I'll have my CD 5-9 while we are in Vegas! That would mean we couldn't do that required u/s until sometime in August.

The delayed u/s puts us several weeks into August before we can start birth control pills. I have to believe that the delay is for the best. That there is some divine reason why we should need to take a few extra weeks. If we were meant to start earlier, then I have to hope that my cycle will line up so that I can get the u/s done earlier than I think. TTC is such a roller-coaster already. Adding in all the precise timing and tests and medications that go along with IVF, it became even more of a crazy ride. I know keeping my stress levels down is going to be a big part of my success, so I'm determined to take these delays in stride and not let it bother me. I trust that everything is working out exactly as it should.