Forgiveness

Infertility is such an internal struggle. I worry that I'm being too emotional and everyone is looking at me like I'm weak or insane. I beat myself up for feeling so scared all the time. I stress out about not being able to relax (ha! go figure THAT one out!). I'm being incredibly selfish right now with my time and my emotions. I feel ashamed of my problems getting pregnant, and then ashamed again of not being stronger throughout this process. These are the bad emotions that haunt me. Stress. Worry. Shame.

Then, when I confide in other people about how I'm feeling, I often get comments like: "Relax! I have a friend who stressed out and then when she finally just gave up and stopped stressing about it, BAM, she was pregnant!" or "What's going on with Sarra? Oh, I figured she was just being emotional again." or "It's not always all about you." And let me tell you, those comments? Not helpful. I already know all those things. I already beat myself up enough about those things, but until you're standing in my shoes, you don't understand how difficult it is to relax. And you know what else? I'm allowed to be emotional right now. Don't try to invalidate my feelings, because that only makes me feel shame.

The bad emotions and thoughts aren't the only ones, though. Just because I say I'm worried or scared doesn't mean that's ALL I am. I'm also incredibly hopeful. I'm so thankful for insurance and great doctors and even the miracle of science that is IVF. It blows my mind that they can take the egg and sperm and create embryos in a lab. I daydream about what it will be like to be pregnant. I shop online for things I want to put in the nursery. I browse maternity clothing stores online for what I might want to buy and what might look cute on me. I linger in the baby section at Target, dreaming about my baby. Trust me, there are a lot of great emotions too. It's just that sometimes the worry is more helpful to talk about. Blogs are like therapy, you know? It helps to just get it out there and know you aren't alone.

Plus, there's a fear that if I talk about all the hope and all my dreams, then I don't get pregnant, I will look like a fool. Crazy, huh? But honest. 

So, I'll just have to ask forgiveness for now. Forgiveness from those friends who think I'm being selfish and emotional. Forgiveness from God for being so self-centered and not having a strong enough faith to believe that this will all work out okay. Forgiveness from my husband for all the tears and late night conversations (although I know he'll say there's nothing to forgive). I have to learn, also, to forgive myself. I have to forgive my own body for not doing what it's supposed to do as a woman. I have to understand that it's not my fault. I want to forgive myself for not working harder on my book right now and for choosing, instead, to take some time off so I can handle the stress, worry, fear, hope that is coursing through me. And I need to forgive the people who say those incredibly insensitive things to me. They don't mean to hurt me, I'm sure. They just don't understand.

Today, I will close my eyes and sit with my chin raised toward the sky, and let forgiveness wash over me. 

Frustration About Diet and Exercise

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is extremely frustrating. My hubby hates for me to use that word, ha. Probably because I use it too often. But this time I honestly mean it. PCOS sucks.

I was diagnosed in 1997, but there were no doctors in my life who could tell me what I needed to do to help the symptoms. I wasn't able to take Birth Control pills, which was their standard treatment back then. I just gained weight, kept getting more dark hair on my face, chest and arms. The symptoms got worse and I never knew there was a way to make changes. I didn't seek ways either. Not really. I just tried to ignore it. I don't know that I expected it to go away, but I felt that if I ignored it, it was somehow less real. It was tough, though, because everytime I looked in the mirror, I saw a dark shadow of hair under my chin. It was heartbreaking on a daily basis.

Now, I've gotten the hair under control through laser hair removal, and while that is a great step forward, there are so many other symptoms that are not getting better. I still weigh 180 lbs. I have acne issues at age 34. We're having fertility issues. I'm always feeling tired. It sucks so hardcore!!

Dealing with fertility issues has pushed PCOS to the surface for me. I can't ignore it anymore. Not if I want a baby. And I do. So badly! Reading through different books and websites and talking to other women who have PCOS and are TTC, I think the solution is pretty clear. A strict diet of wholesome foods. Fresh fruit. No breads or pasta unless they are packed with fiber and whole grains. No fried foods. No sugars. No soda. Lots of protein combined with a complex carbohydrate. Basically, for me that means a complete and total overhaul of what I have been eating for the past 34 years of my life.

Then, on top of the major food changes, I know I also have to start exercising. It's such a hard thing for me. I don't enjoy exercise. I hate feeling sweaty and I'm so out of shape, exercising makes me so incredibly tired. I know what I must sound like saying this, too, but I want to be honest with myself and with anyone reading this who might be going through the same thing. I read online forums and people with PCOS say things like "I eat a carrot and gain weight." Maybe that's true for them, but I think for the most part, if you're eating the right foods and exercising, you'll find success. It's not impossible. But for me, the eating right and exercising feels like punishment. It feels like torture.

Some of the women I've been talking to online about TTC are so supportive, but at the same time, so many of them seem to have everything together. They exercise 5 times a week and are fit and thin. They eat right and are taking herbs and feeling good. They are in such a better place for carrying a healthy pregnancy to term. And they don't even have PCOS! I'm so scared I'm going to be the last one in the group to get pregnant - or that I'll never be able to have a successful pregnancy.

I just turned 34 this past weekend, and I realize more and more that I'm on a serious time crunch here. I don't have a lot of time to have a healthy pregnancy. Also, the more treatments we go through, the more expensive things are going to get. We can't afford IVF. Please, God, don't let it come to that! It's so terrifying. In a perfect world, I would have gotten my body in shape years ago and getting pregnant now wouldn't be difficult. But now I'm already in the middle of treatments. I'm already on cycle 3 of Clomid. I only have 3 more months of chances with this particular drug. I'm so scared I am wasting this fertility treatment. What if my eating habits and lack of exercise are going to keep me from getting pregnant no matter what fertility drugs I try?

I know there are tons of women who would read this and think, just eat right and exercise! What's the big deal?! Have some willpower, girl! And that's the way I talk to myself too. But the truth is that making such a huge change in my life isn't easy. Sure, I could do it for a week maybe, but then the hard work becomes a daily thing and I start to fall apart. I know I can make some small changes and try to change my life, but there's this time factor at work here as well. I don't have three years to slowly make all these changes. I need the changes now so that I can have a healthy pregnancy.

This has been a serious rant, I know, and much longer than I intended. But these are my fears. I'm so scared I won't be able to get pregnant for years because of these changes I have never made in my life. I can't turn back the clock. All I can do is try to make some changes in the months ahead and pray that it's enough to allow my body to carry a pregnancy.