My Sweet Mother

I had such an amazing weekend in Hilton Head. It was exactly what I needed! George and I got there late on Friday evening. My parents had already been there for a few hours and we all sat up until after one in the morning talking! (And my parents aren't usually up past ten-thirty, hehe.) The rest of the weekend was so incredibly relaxing. We walked on the beach. Walked to the top of the lighthouse. Went shopping (omg, I bought the most amazing purple leather jacket!). Then had dinner outside on the patio of a great seafood restaurant on the water. Great company. Amazing conversations. I felt so loved and supported, full of positive energy and hope.

I'm pretty sure my Mom is just about the sweetest person on the planet, also. She brought me three things for my IVF shots table and survival kit.

First, a pink baby blanket her grandmother made for me when I was a baby. I slept with it and snuggled in it when I was tiny. It's beautiful and perfect! And did I mention pink? Hehe. Maybe it will be good luck and bring us twin girls, lol. Of course I will be more than thrilled with a boy or a girl, but I have always wanted a little girl, so we'll see! My husband had this crazy-vivid dream the other night that we had twin boys, though, and he's often very intuitive! I would be happy with twin boys!

Second, she brought my cabbage patch kid from when I was a little girl! I used to carry this doll around everywhere, haha. Mom went up into the attic to find it. She's still wearing a dress my own grandmother made for her. And she still has lipstick smeared all over her face, lol. I remember putting that on her.

And finally, she brought me this small round box. Inside, it is filled with small wrapped presents. One for each day of shots. How sweet is that? I wasn't expecting it, but I know it will put a huge smile on my face during the tough times. I was so incredibly touched by the gifts she brought. I don't even know what's in the box, but it's not even so much what's in the wrapped gifts as the thought she put into it and the time she spent putting it all together. It means the world to me and lets me know I have all the support in the world.

I can't believe I'm only 5 days away from starting shots! I will go in early on Thursday morning for a blood test to make sure I'm not pregnant. It's really just a formality to make sure I don't have my meds delivered and paid for, then realize I don't need IVF! In the back of my mind, I know it's a possibility, but at the same time, I know it's a super slim chance and probably not worth really thinking about. I'm full speed ahead with IVF and fully intending to start meds this weekend.

I really hope and pray that AF comes on time and doesn't mess with me by coming late. I'm so ready to get started. Have I said that already? Haha. It's so true. I feel so good right now. I feel positive and very hopeful. I know the craziness will probably come soon and the roller coaster of emotions will take me from high to low on a daily basis, but I'm hoping for a big high at the end of this to make it all worth it.

Forgiveness

Infertility is such an internal struggle. I worry that I'm being too emotional and everyone is looking at me like I'm weak or insane. I beat myself up for feeling so scared all the time. I stress out about not being able to relax (ha! go figure THAT one out!). I'm being incredibly selfish right now with my time and my emotions. I feel ashamed of my problems getting pregnant, and then ashamed again of not being stronger throughout this process. These are the bad emotions that haunt me. Stress. Worry. Shame.

Then, when I confide in other people about how I'm feeling, I often get comments like: "Relax! I have a friend who stressed out and then when she finally just gave up and stopped stressing about it, BAM, she was pregnant!" or "What's going on with Sarra? Oh, I figured she was just being emotional again." or "It's not always all about you." And let me tell you, those comments? Not helpful. I already know all those things. I already beat myself up enough about those things, but until you're standing in my shoes, you don't understand how difficult it is to relax. And you know what else? I'm allowed to be emotional right now. Don't try to invalidate my feelings, because that only makes me feel shame.

The bad emotions and thoughts aren't the only ones, though. Just because I say I'm worried or scared doesn't mean that's ALL I am. I'm also incredibly hopeful. I'm so thankful for insurance and great doctors and even the miracle of science that is IVF. It blows my mind that they can take the egg and sperm and create embryos in a lab. I daydream about what it will be like to be pregnant. I shop online for things I want to put in the nursery. I browse maternity clothing stores online for what I might want to buy and what might look cute on me. I linger in the baby section at Target, dreaming about my baby. Trust me, there are a lot of great emotions too. It's just that sometimes the worry is more helpful to talk about. Blogs are like therapy, you know? It helps to just get it out there and know you aren't alone.

Plus, there's a fear that if I talk about all the hope and all my dreams, then I don't get pregnant, I will look like a fool. Crazy, huh? But honest. 

So, I'll just have to ask forgiveness for now. Forgiveness from those friends who think I'm being selfish and emotional. Forgiveness from God for being so self-centered and not having a strong enough faith to believe that this will all work out okay. Forgiveness from my husband for all the tears and late night conversations (although I know he'll say there's nothing to forgive). I have to learn, also, to forgive myself. I have to forgive my own body for not doing what it's supposed to do as a woman. I have to understand that it's not my fault. I want to forgive myself for not working harder on my book right now and for choosing, instead, to take some time off so I can handle the stress, worry, fear, hope that is coursing through me. And I need to forgive the people who say those incredibly insensitive things to me. They don't mean to hurt me, I'm sure. They just don't understand.

Today, I will close my eyes and sit with my chin raised toward the sky, and let forgiveness wash over me.