A Friend's Sadness

I heard from a friend of mine today that her second round of IVF was not successful. My heart just broke for her when I heard the news. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about six years now with no success. News like this is difficult for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I feel awful for my friend. I know how important this was for her, and I can't imagine the heartbreak she must be feeling to know that even after all these years and all this effort, she still isn't pregnant. My friend is almost 40 years old, so she feels that time is running out for her. Yet, at the same time, she has a good attitude. She hasn't let her infertility make her hopeless. She still has every hope that someday she will be a mother. Her faith is inspirational.

The second reason her news is difficult to hear is that I know I'm about to embark on my first round of IVF in a few months. It's a completely selfish to be thinking of myself when it's her disappointment, but I also need to be honest about how I'm feeling.

After my initial heartbreak for her, I realized that her difficulty also made me feel very scared about my upcoming IVF. I know this isn't our only shot at getting pregnant, but it's definitely a huge investment. Financially AND Emotionally. For so long, IVF has seemed to be a last resort tactic. I always thought it was the final chance before having to look at options like surrogacy and/or adoption. I want so badly to be able to carry my own baby, and the thought of being at the end of that road - so to speak - is terrifying.

So even though it might sound selfish, hearing that someone else's IVF cycle failed brings up those natural feelings of fear within myself. Some part of me screams, "What if my cycle fails too? What if I can never carry a child and be a mother?" It's definitely a scary thought. I know that we can try more than once, but the unknown of it is what scares me the most. I've read stories of people's cycles having to be canceled because of overstimulation or some other complication. Also, sometimes the embryos don't survive long enough to be transferred. There are so many things that can go wrong.

How do you live through this experience and still keep hope alive? How do you hear about other people's failure and still believe in your heart that there's something different in store for you? I don't know the answer to that. The only thing I can say is that I'm going to try to separate her experience from mine. Yes, it's heart-breaking, and yes, I will mourn with her and give her all of my support. On the other hand, I have to understand that her journey is not my journey. There is no way to know how my IVF cycle will turn out. My doctor gives me a 60% chance of success, and right now, that's all that matters for me. In my heart, I have to still believe that IVF will work for us. My journey. My outcome. An outcome I can't control. Allowing fear and doubt to creep in and control my attitude is only going to hurt me. I need to wake up every day and find a way to foster faith and love and most of all, HOPE.

Getting Into the Habit and Delays

I am used to blogging. In fact, I try to blog everyday. I have a blog for my writing career that has over 600 posts. But for some reason, when it comes to getting into the habit of keeping up with this blog about TTC, I just haven't been very good. I really think it would be good for me to get my fears off my chest. I think it would be good to talk about everything I'm going through with infertility. I know that no one else ever reads the blog, but it's more for me than anyone else. And maybe if I share what I'm thinking, eventually someone like me might stumble on this blog and find some comfort in what I've been through. I aim to try harder to post more often.

Since I'm writing today, I wanted to talk about the most recent news and struggles as far as IVF. Our plan was to begin IVF treatments on August 1st. I called to talk to my nurse the other day about the possibility of having an HSG done. I know the saline u/s I had done last October checked my uterus for fibroids and allowed the doctor to see my tubes. At the time, he said they "looked clear". Most of my friends on the baby center forums, however, had HSG's done instead of saline u/s and I began to wonder why. I asked the nurse, who then talked to the doctor. She said the doctor usually performs saline u/s instead, because HSG is limited to only checking the tubes and is more invasive than the saline, which checks both tubes and uterus.

We talked more about it and she said that if I really wanted to get a better look at my tubes before we proceed with IVF, the doctor said he would do another saline u/s (which they have to do anyway again before the IVF since the saline u/s is only good for six months). This time, though, he's going to put bubbles in the saline so he can see them passing through the tubes more clearly. Hehe. Bubbles! I wonder if it will feel any different? The trick is that a saline u/s has to be done on CD 5-9. When I talked to the nurse, I was already on CD 11 so it was too late for this month. In 22 days, my husband and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation. Based on previous cycles, it's totally possible I'll have my CD 5-9 while we are in Vegas! That would mean we couldn't do that required u/s until sometime in August.

The delayed u/s puts us several weeks into August before we can start birth control pills. I have to believe that the delay is for the best. That there is some divine reason why we should need to take a few extra weeks. If we were meant to start earlier, then I have to hope that my cycle will line up so that I can get the u/s done earlier than I think. TTC is such a roller-coaster already. Adding in all the precise timing and tests and medications that go along with IVF, it became even more of a crazy ride. I know keeping my stress levels down is going to be a big part of my success, so I'm determined to take these delays in stride and not let it bother me. I trust that everything is working out exactly as it should.

2 months, 1 Week, 5 Days

That's the amount of time I have until we start IVF treatments. August 1st is the current plan. That will be the day I begin BCP for 10 days. I've been reading a lot of blogs lately of women who are going through the IVF process. I'm learning so much, but I'm also getting extremely emotional. It's good to know I'm not alone when it comes to dealing with PCOS and infertility. I think it's also helpful to know what I can expect as far as the shots and the medications and the appointments.

There's so much new lingo to learn. Before I started this journey, I had no idea about embryos and follicles and sperm counts and lupron injections. I still feel like I don't know everything there is to know. I have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I'm getting there. I thank God for women who are blogging about their experiences, so I am going to try my best to blog as well. Even if no one reads this. I think it will help me deal with my own emotions during the process.

Something else I've learned from these blogs is that IVF doesn't always work. Even after all the hope and the injections and the worry. Even after a good number of eggs retrieved and a five day transfer, sometimes it just doesn't work. My doctor said 60% chance of success. I trust him, and I'm extremely hopeful. But I'm also trying to be realistic in my expectations. With such a strong emotional and financial investment, it's hard not to put all your hope into a round of IVF. It's got to be devastating to find out that it didn't work. But at the same time, just think of the joy in finding out that it did work and that there's a little Bittmann bun in the oven!

For the next 2 months, 1 week, and 5 days, my plan is this:

• Work out and get fit. (We've already joined a gym and I've lost 4 pounds so far! Yay me!)
• Yoga and other meditation/relaxations. (I bought a fertility meditation from health journeys. I want to listen to it at least once a week.)
• Learn as much about the IVF process as possible. I want to know my stuff for when the time comes!
• Stay positive and believe that this is going to be our miracle.

As long as I have some things to focus on and ways to be productive over the next two months, I know I'm going to be okay.

Moving on To IVF

After 2 failed IUI's and 4 failed cycles of Clomid, we have decided to move straight to IVF. It might seem like a drastic move after only ttc for six months, but since I don't seem to ovulate on my own, we think it's our best option. Our doctor said that in his experience, women with infertility and PCOS either get pregnant very easily with Clomid/IUI or they end up needing IVF.

Our other options were laproscopy (sp)  to check for scar tissue, followed by ovarian drilling or more rounds of Clomid/IUI. He said that the highest rate of success he could give us with any of those other treatments was around 10-15%. Well, with IVF, their success rate is more like 50-60%. We decided that the emotional rollercoaster of putting my body through all those months of treatments with only a very small chance of success wasn't worth it. So, we're moving on to the higher success rate while we still have enough insurance benefit to cover it.

I want to make sure we have the very best chance of success with our first round of IVF, so we started thinking about when would be the best time to do it. Right now, I'm still working hard on the young adult series I'm writing. There are two more books remaining, and I want to finish it before we do any more treatments. IVF can be extremely stressful. I've read other blogs about the whole process of tests and shots and such. I want to schedule our IVF for a time when I can really relax and just take some time off. So, after some discussion and looking at our calendar, we decided on August.

By August, my series will be complete and I can take a full month off to relax and pamper myself throughout the process. In the meantime, that gives me four months to get my health into tip-top shape. George and I have already been taking daily walks. I've even been taking an extra walk during the day before he gets home. Me and my sweet little pomeranian, Snickerdoodle, walk together. I haven't seen any weight loss yet, but I am confident that if I keep exercising consistently and make better choices when I eat, I will start to see some good results.

My goal is to lose 30 pounds in the next four months and to learn more about PCOS as I go so that I can make better choices.

Another Failed Cycle

I haven't been very good about posting this cycle. Last time I wrote, I was feeling committed to having a healthier cycle. I wanted to eat right and work out, but it didn't exactly go like that. I did make some good changes. I took my pills. I changed my prenatal vitamins to New Chapter Organics, which were more expensive, but are supposed to be the best. I also knocked caffeine and soda out of my diet and tried to be a bit healthier with my food choices.

Then I went home to Georgia after the IUI. It's always so hard to eat right when I'm home with my family. There was so much food! I was proud of myself for not smoking, though, which is a bad habit when I go home usually. At least I've cut that out of my life. I'm trying to give myself credit for the things I've done right and the changes I've made. Unfortunately, I haven't made as many changes as I wanted to by now.

Technically, I am only 11DPO right now, so there's still a chance a test wouldn't be accurate right now. On the other hand, the test I took this morning was a First Response Early Results test, which is supposed to be nearly 100% accurate up to 4 days before your missed period. When it came out negative this morning, I was so disappointed. I really hoped to be pregnant this cycle. It's so hard to be going through all these fertility treatments and going through the hope and excitement only to be disappointed. I want a baby so badly.

In the grand scheme of things, though, I know we haven't been trying too long. Some healthy couples try for more than a year with no luck. We've only been through four rounds of Clomid. I'm trying not to get too upset about it. There's still plenty of time.

Our next plan for treatment is IVF. The doctor said we could start the process right away, but we are going to wait until August. I want to make sure I can be as stress-free during the IVF process as possible. It's such an intensive process between almost daily doctor appointments, injections of hormones, and emotional investment, I know I am going to need to be able to concentrate on it instead of deadlines with my writing. We've decided to wait until August because by then I'll have the final two books of my series published and I won't have any deadlines. I can just relax, take some vacation time, and concentrate on making my body the perfect place for a baby to snuggle in.

I am trying to do my best to look at the next four months as a chance to get healthy. A chance to be the person I want to be before a baby comes. I want to get in shape, work out, and start to eat better. I need to get my sugars under control and lose about 30 pounds. That would put me at my ideal fertility weight of about 155. I know that the healthier I am when I get the IVF, the better chance I'll have to have a successful pregnancy. I want to look at this as a new start and a chance to make a better life for myself and my baby.

Focus on Health

This cycle is all about being as healthy as possible. Major changes are hard to keep up, so I am going to try to add a few small things that will make a big difference. As a woman with PCOS, I can't just eat what I want and never exercise and expect everything to be okay. I have spent too many years ignoring my illness and treating my body like crap. I truly believe now that my eating habits and lack of exercise are the reason I am not pregnant yet.

Let's talk about weight for just a second. I am 5'7.5" tall. At my height, according to a few different studies, my ideal fertility weight is 150 lbs. As of this morning, I weigh 179 lbs. I've been yo-yo'ing between 175-185 lbs now for quite some time, which means that I am about 30 lbs over my ideal fertility weight. I think that's probably a partial reason for my infertility so far. On the other hand, I don't want to take four or more months off of fertility meds just to try to lose that weight. So what is the solution?

I can't change the past, but I can start today to try to make a difference. Exercising everyday doesn't mean that I have to do hardcore cardio workouts for two hours a day. It can just mean walking my dog for fifteen minutes. Anything above and beyond what I'm already doing is a step in the right direction.

Diet is just as important, if not more so, than exercise. This month, I am going to cut out all fried foods, soda, and sweets. My husband doesn't think it's a good idea for me to make such a drastic change, but I think I need to. Today, so far, I've eaten oatmeal (natural, not the sugary kind in packets) and a home-made smoothie with frozen strawberries, blueberries, plain yogurt, milk, and a scoop of Jay Rob Whey Protein. Tonight for dinner, I plan to make brown rice with grilled chicken. I'm adding whole grains, healthy sources of lean protein, fruit, and good healthy dairy. Also, I bought some Carlton's Finest Lemon flavored fish oil today. I usually take it in pills and just can't stand it. This new one is a liquid and wasn't so bad.

I'm looking forward to this cycle with positive thoughts. I'm thinking that this could be the month I get pregnant! I just started my Clomid today, so it's the perfect time to make these other changes to focus on health. Maybe with a little more effort, I can make my body the perfect place for a little baby to grow.

Day 1 - Fourth Medicated Cycle

Day one is always such a depressing day. I've gotten several negative pregnancy tests in the past few days, so I was completely expecting this. On the other hand, actually getting my period is tough. Plus, AF just has to bring cramps with her. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough!

On the other hand, it's a fresh start. A new cycle with new opportunities for success. My mantra for this cycle is STAY POSITIVE! Starting today, I'm going to start each morning telling myself that I WILL be pregnant this cycle. I have a really great feeling about this. Like everything is starting to line up for us. I am armed with a new plan and a new determination to be healthy and pregnant. Here's my plan:

• Drink LOTS of water. No more soda, try to stay away from caffeine as much as possible so no coffee for sure. Keep myself hydrated.
• Daily exercise. I'm not talking about anything too drastic. If I try to do something crazy like going to the gym everyday or doing two hours of workouts, I know I'd just be setting myself up for failure. What I'm talking about is walking the dog everyday for fifteen minutes. Maybe an evening walk with my husband. I bought the DVD set for the Zumba workouts. I will try to do those workouts a few times a week. The walking is the most important thing, though.
• Positive thinking. A daily affirmation that I keep with me everyday. Things like "I am going to be pregnant this cycle" and "I'm excited to see my belly growing". I want to picture myself with a healthy pregnant belly and how it will be to have that baby cradled in my arms at Thanksgiving.
• Take my meds everyday! This is a sore spot for me. I went through so much crap getting used to the Glumetza, and then I just stopped taking my pills the way I was supposed to. It's completely my fault. I just got so tired of a restricted diet and wanted to feel good for a change. This medicine made me feel icky for two straight months and I just snapped. I started only taking 1000 mg a day and sometimes skipping days all together. BAD SARRA! Starting today, I'm back into taking the prescribed 2000 mg every single day, along with my prenatal vitamin. I also need to be taking fish oil supplements, so I am planning to go buy some tonight from whole foods. I know I'll have to go through some icky tummy stuff again, but I think it's obvious that without the meds, I'm going to struggle to get pregnant.
• Eat right - and often. According to most books and sites about PCOS, eating several smaller meals a day is better than three large meals. In order to keep blood sugar regulated, it's better to eat something every three hours. I am going to stock up on healthy snacks and stick to eating more often.
• RELAX! We've already booked a little mini vacation to the beach next weekend. Yes, it's February, but it's supposed to be warm. Even if we end up in the hotel room all weekend, it will be nice to get away - just the two of us. I am going to work to reduce stress this month.
  

That's my big plan for this month. It's a tall order, but I know that having a baby in 9 months will make it all worth it! This will be our fourth cycle on Clomid and our second IUI. This is our month!