Building My Sanctuary

Our bedroom is awful. When I first moved in with my husband, his house was pretty much not decorated at all. I spent some time a few years ago painting and trying to make this more of a home, but I'm not the most talented interior decorator, haha. (To say the least!) The downstairs, the bathroom, and the office got some love, but our bedroom got ignored. It was partly about money and partly about time.

Now, however, I want to make our bedroom a sanctuary. I want it to be a place I can relax and destress and feel good. I know that throughout most IVF cycles, there are at least a few days of bed rest, and I want our bedroom to be an awesome place to do that.

Right now, our bedroom has zero artwork, a plain white down comforter (no duvet), no headboard, no curtains, an old dresser from when George was still in high school, and a rack of computers, LOL. No exactly romantic or relaxing! There is definitely a lot of room for improvement. Unfortunately, there's so much that needs to be done, it could get pretty expensive. With the expense of IVF already climbing, we don't want to spend too much money on the room.

Here's my idea so far for the room. I just ordered the prettiest 10 piece bedding set (on sale!) from JC Penney. It's called Serenade, and I love it.

Instead of the current off-white walls, we're going to paint this gorgeous blue called Twin Cities from Valspar paint. I think it's going to be perfect! I think the blue will be very relaxing and beautiful and calming. On the beautiful dark wood nightstands my dad built us last year for Christmas, I want to put vases with beautiful silk white flowers. I also hope to put some nice artwork on the wall that brings in the nature theme and brings some life into the room. A good friend of mine that I met on the Baby Center forums is a designer. She's the one who suggested the paint color (with a nod to the fact that we might have twins, hehe) and also this branch wall art.

Design-wise, I think those are some good starting elements. I love the earthy theme and the calming colors, and I really think this is going to be a great place to meditate and unwind while we go through the rollercoaster of IVF. We are also going to try to put a new headboard and a new dresser in the room, as well as some nice off-white or dark brown/green curtains that match the leaves in the bedding. I'll try to post pictures when we're finished. My hope is that our bedroom becomes a sanctuary while we are TTC and also a great place to call our own when we begin to share our home with a new baby (or two :).

Metformin Misstep

Metformin sucks. For those of you who have never heard of this medication, you'll just have to take my word for it. It's a diabetes medication that reduces blood sugar levels. I don't have diabetes, but with the Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, I am insulin resistant. Metformin is prescribed for a lot of women with PCOS to manage blood sugar levels. Researching up on it, I know that it has some amazing benefits for dealing with the symptoms of PCOS. The problem is, as I said earlier, Metformin SUCKS.

I was first prescribed it by my regular general doctor a few years ago. She put me on 250 mg a day and it made me so sick, I was miserable for weeks. Almost 3 months, honestly. Then, she bumped it up to 500 mg a day and the hell started all over again. You can imagine my shock and dread when I went to see the doctor at the fertility clinic and he prescribed 2,000 mg a day of Glumetza, which is another, nongeneric form of Metformin. I almost died. 2,000 mg? You've got to be kidding me!

If you just google "Metformin side-effects", you would probably get pages and pages about what this drug does to your body. It's extremely unpleasant. I'm about to get a little graphic, so if you get disgusted easily, just skip over the next part, haha. Here's what metformin does to me. First of all, it gives me a terrible stomach ache. It puts me in a constant state of feeling nauseated. I have only thrown up a few times, but it's just miserable feeling like I could throw up at any moment. Then, there's the diarrhea. Literally, I have had days where I cannot leave the house because I'm on the toilet all day. It's disgusting and miserable and totally steals my dignity. I get awful headaches, have to drink a ton of water to stay hydrated, and am pretty much miserable all day every day.

Now, even after saying all that, I will admit that it does get better. After a few months, it gets better. At least until I eat a few bites of sugar. Then, it all starts over again. All it takes is a single cookie or even too much ketchup and I'm in the bathroom for hours with awful stomach cramps and misery.

So, after going through months of getting used to it, why would someone ever stop taking it? I have no idea, but that's exactly what I did. Multiple times. It seems like every time I get through the worst of it and start to get used to it, I just stop taking it. It's like a part of me just gets so tired of not being able to eat anything I want and not knowing when I'm going to wake up feeling awful. I just can't take it anymore and I rebel. I stop taking it. I binge on sweets and fried foods. Then, I reach a point where I know I have to start taking it again and the hell starts all over.

A couple months ago, I went home to Georgia. I knew we were going to the beach and I wanted to be able to eat when we went to dinner. I wanted to drink and have fun. So I stopped taking the Metformin and haven't taken it since. I don't know why, but food is a huge part of my happiness. It's so hard for me to live without it. I know that sounds awful and shallow, but it's the honest truth. On the other hand, taking the metformin means a healthier body. It means a better chance of getting pregnant, and more importantly, it greatly reduces the chance of miscarriage in women with PCOS. It's a medicine I HAVE to be on. Plain and simple. I'm just not looking forward to going through the side-effects all over again.

I know this has been a total whiny post today, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I wish there was some other way to get healthy besides taking this drug, but I trust my doctor and he firmly believes I need to be on it. I'm planning to start back tomorrow with 1,000 mg a day for a few weeks until (hopefully), my stomach starts to get used to it again. Then, I'll go back up to the 2,000 mgs and stay on it until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I can only hope that in the end, it makes a real difference.

Our Plan Moving Forward

I thought I would take a post to organize my own thoughts on our current TTC plan. After talking with our doctor at NCCRM in April after several failed IUI's and Clomid cycles, we decided to move forward with IVF. Rather than just rush into it and start right away, we decided to take several months to prepare, save money, and try to get into a better place for IVF. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking we might get pregnant on our own before it came to that, but after four cycles without fertility meds, we still are not pregnant, so we are looking on toward the upcoming IVF and setting our sites on success.

At first, we planned to start IVF in August, but as most of you know, I'm a writer. I just released the fourth book in my YA series. There is one final book left in this series and rather than go through the emotional roller coaster of IVF (and possibly morning sickness soon after, hehe) while I'm still writing this series, I thought it would be better for me to write and publish the final book before we begin IVF. I am just starting book 5 now and hope that it can be finished and published by mid-September. (fingers crossed!) In the meantime, we are going to get all our little ducks in a row so that when the book is published, we are 100% ready to move forward.

Here are the major things that we need to do before we can start meds:

• Saline Ultrasound - this has to be done during CD 5-9. I've already had one of these done, but that was back in November and my clinic's policy is to do another one right before IVF to guarantee that there are no tumors or fibroids in my uterus that would prevent an embryo from implanting. Also, I've asked my doctor to check my tubes just to see for sure if they are blocked. Instead of performing a painful HSG, he said he can add bubbles to the saline and see the tubes clearly. I plan to go in for this u/s during this next cycle.
• IVF Labs - George and I both will need to get blood tests done to check for infectious diseases (I think this is a federal requirement for IVF). I'm not sure yet if I will need to also get another check of my FSH and AMH and all that good stuff since I had those tests done less than a year ago, but we'll see.
• Acupuncture Initial Evaluation - I know that acupuncture isn't a necessity when it comes to IVF, but I'd like to go for it and do everything I can to give IVF its best chance for success. Some studies say that acupuncture can increase implantation rates, so I'm going to go for it. We have a couple's evaluation already scheduled for August 1st.
• S/A and Freeze - This is all George, haha. He's had a semen analysis done several times before and everything has been awesome with his results (above average which is great), but the fertility clinic requires him to do another and they also require a sample to be frozen ahead of time just in case there is something that prevents him from giving a sample on the day of retrieval. That way, there's always a backup if anything happens. The freeze is one thing insurance does not cover, so that's $200 out of pocket, but totally worth it.
• Weight Loss - My doctor says that he doesn't believe my current weight will cause any problems with IVF, but he did say that any amount of weight I can lose before the procedure will only help the maturity and quality of the eggs retrieved. I am very disappointed to say that since this time last year, I've gained nearly 20 pounds. Ugh. How does that happen? Well, I know how it happened. I gained nearly all 20 pounds during the clomid rounds and it totally sucks! It scares me about the drugs for IVF and how my body will handle it. Am I going to gain a bunch of weight? I hope not. I definitely need to drop some of this weight. I am working with a personal trainer 3 times a week, going to Zumba classes, Yoga classes, and walking a lot with George. I also have a new diet plan, so I am confident I can drop that 20 pounds before we start meds. However, I am also happy to know that my doctor doesn't think my current weight is going to be an issue.

So that's our list. Once the book is finished and the list is done, we'll start the official process. I don't know all the details of the meds I'll be taking yet, but I do know a few things. Here is a rough outline of what our IVF plan will be:

• Birth control pills for 10 days to restart my cycle.
• Clomid starting cycle day 2.
• Injectables (not sure which ones yet) for 10-12 days.
• U/S every 2 or 3 days throughout injection period and E2 check.
• When follicles are ready, trigger shot.
• 36 hours later - Egg Retrieval (not looking forward to anethesia here, but going to stay calm).
• 3-5 days Later - Embryo Transfer (My doctor plans to transfer two embryos as long as there are two near-perfect ones to transfer. I'm very hopeful we can get at least two great embryos.) Any remaining embryos will be frozen for a possible FET round (Frozen Embryo Transfer) if IVF is not successful. 

Our chance of success is between 50-60% with IVF at this clinic, and I'm feeling really good about it. An FET round has a 30-40% success rate, so as long as we can get at least 4 healthy embryos, we have a really good shot of being pregnant within the next six months. I'm so nervous, but also excited about the future. I'm so glad we have a plan now and are moving forward with IVF. Even though the actual retrieval and transfer are probably still three months away, I know that time is going to fly by and it will be here before we know it.

Las Vegas, a New Blog Design, and a Focus Shift

George and I are home from Las Vegas! We had the most amazing 9 days in the city. For us, this was both a celebration (his birthday) and a time for relaxation before we start our journey toward IVF. We both really needed an amazing week to let go of all the stress of the past year of failed fertility assistance. We needed some time to reconnect and just enjoy being together. It's my hope that our Vegas trip will also end up being our last vacation before we're pregnant! Here's a picture we took. Don't we just look so happy?

(Note: Yes, I do have blue hair, lol. My Dr. at NCCRM says no more hair dye once we get started, so I'll have to go back to plain brown soon, but for now, it's still blue and expressive, hehe.)

While I was away, I was also working with Faith of A Design of Faith to do a complete redesign of my blog, and I couldn't be happier with the results!! Thank you so much, Faith. You did an amazing job and I am so incredibly grateful. This was something I really wanted to do for myself so that I can have a beautiful place online to share my feelings throughout this roller coaster ride of TTC. As of today, I am going to make a pledge to blog every day. I think it will definitely be therapeutic for me to be open about my feelings. IVF is feeling so real right now even though it's been pushed back a few times. We're really at the beginning stages right now, so this is the perfect time to rededicate myself to my own blog and opening myself up to what's about to happen in our lives.

Now that our vacation is over, I feel a major focus shift deep inside. I've been wanting to have a baby for so long, but there have always been obstacles in my way. Now that my life is finally in a good place and I have finally found the most amazing man to raise a family with, we're having trouble getting pregnant. With the PCOS, I always knew this was a possibility. Still, there was a part of me deep down that hoped when the time was right, I wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant. It's heartbreaking to see that all those fears are coming true. I always thought IVF was a last-chance scenario, so to find ourselves in a place where it's the next step has been really hard to swallow.

When we first talked to our doctor about IVF this past Spring, I kept thinking we might still get pregnant in the meantime and not even need it. Month after month has gone by with no BFP. My chart is showing that I'm ovulating, so what's the problem? It's just heartbreaking and so frustrating. I feel like now I have to just let it go of all those fears and frustrations and just know that this is our path. IVF is going to be our miracle. I'll write more about our upcoming timeline tomorrow, but for now, I'm just focusing on getting healthy, working out to try to lose a little bit of weight before we begin meds and doing my best to relieve any stress. This is our time, and I'm going to embrace it and do everything I can to contribute to a successful first (and only! I hope!) round of IVF.

A Friend's Sadness

I heard from a friend of mine today that her second round of IVF was not successful. My heart just broke for her when I heard the news. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about six years now with no success. News like this is difficult for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I feel awful for my friend. I know how important this was for her, and I can't imagine the heartbreak she must be feeling to know that even after all these years and all this effort, she still isn't pregnant. My friend is almost 40 years old, so she feels that time is running out for her. Yet, at the same time, she has a good attitude. She hasn't let her infertility make her hopeless. She still has every hope that someday she will be a mother. Her faith is inspirational.

The second reason her news is difficult to hear is that I know I'm about to embark on my first round of IVF in a few months. It's a completely selfish to be thinking of myself when it's her disappointment, but I also need to be honest about how I'm feeling.

After my initial heartbreak for her, I realized that her difficulty also made me feel very scared about my upcoming IVF. I know this isn't our only shot at getting pregnant, but it's definitely a huge investment. Financially AND Emotionally. For so long, IVF has seemed to be a last resort tactic. I always thought it was the final chance before having to look at options like surrogacy and/or adoption. I want so badly to be able to carry my own baby, and the thought of being at the end of that road - so to speak - is terrifying.

So even though it might sound selfish, hearing that someone else's IVF cycle failed brings up those natural feelings of fear within myself. Some part of me screams, "What if my cycle fails too? What if I can never carry a child and be a mother?" It's definitely a scary thought. I know that we can try more than once, but the unknown of it is what scares me the most. I've read stories of people's cycles having to be canceled because of overstimulation or some other complication. Also, sometimes the embryos don't survive long enough to be transferred. There are so many things that can go wrong.

How do you live through this experience and still keep hope alive? How do you hear about other people's failure and still believe in your heart that there's something different in store for you? I don't know the answer to that. The only thing I can say is that I'm going to try to separate her experience from mine. Yes, it's heart-breaking, and yes, I will mourn with her and give her all of my support. On the other hand, I have to understand that her journey is not my journey. There is no way to know how my IVF cycle will turn out. My doctor gives me a 60% chance of success, and right now, that's all that matters for me. In my heart, I have to still believe that IVF will work for us. My journey. My outcome. An outcome I can't control. Allowing fear and doubt to creep in and control my attitude is only going to hurt me. I need to wake up every day and find a way to foster faith and love and most of all, HOPE.

Getting Into the Habit and Delays

I am used to blogging. In fact, I try to blog everyday. I have a blog for my writing career that has over 600 posts. But for some reason, when it comes to getting into the habit of keeping up with this blog about TTC, I just haven't been very good. I really think it would be good for me to get my fears off my chest. I think it would be good to talk about everything I'm going through with infertility. I know that no one else ever reads the blog, but it's more for me than anyone else. And maybe if I share what I'm thinking, eventually someone like me might stumble on this blog and find some comfort in what I've been through. I aim to try harder to post more often.

Since I'm writing today, I wanted to talk about the most recent news and struggles as far as IVF. Our plan was to begin IVF treatments on August 1st. I called to talk to my nurse the other day about the possibility of having an HSG done. I know the saline u/s I had done last October checked my uterus for fibroids and allowed the doctor to see my tubes. At the time, he said they "looked clear". Most of my friends on the baby center forums, however, had HSG's done instead of saline u/s and I began to wonder why. I asked the nurse, who then talked to the doctor. She said the doctor usually performs saline u/s instead, because HSG is limited to only checking the tubes and is more invasive than the saline, which checks both tubes and uterus.

We talked more about it and she said that if I really wanted to get a better look at my tubes before we proceed with IVF, the doctor said he would do another saline u/s (which they have to do anyway again before the IVF since the saline u/s is only good for six months). This time, though, he's going to put bubbles in the saline so he can see them passing through the tubes more clearly. Hehe. Bubbles! I wonder if it will feel any different? The trick is that a saline u/s has to be done on CD 5-9. When I talked to the nurse, I was already on CD 11 so it was too late for this month. In 22 days, my husband and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation. Based on previous cycles, it's totally possible I'll have my CD 5-9 while we are in Vegas! That would mean we couldn't do that required u/s until sometime in August.

The delayed u/s puts us several weeks into August before we can start birth control pills. I have to believe that the delay is for the best. That there is some divine reason why we should need to take a few extra weeks. If we were meant to start earlier, then I have to hope that my cycle will line up so that I can get the u/s done earlier than I think. TTC is such a roller-coaster already. Adding in all the precise timing and tests and medications that go along with IVF, it became even more of a crazy ride. I know keeping my stress levels down is going to be a big part of my success, so I'm determined to take these delays in stride and not let it bother me. I trust that everything is working out exactly as it should.

2 months, 1 Week, 5 Days

That's the amount of time I have until we start IVF treatments. August 1st is the current plan. That will be the day I begin BCP for 10 days. I've been reading a lot of blogs lately of women who are going through the IVF process. I'm learning so much, but I'm also getting extremely emotional. It's good to know I'm not alone when it comes to dealing with PCOS and infertility. I think it's also helpful to know what I can expect as far as the shots and the medications and the appointments.

There's so much new lingo to learn. Before I started this journey, I had no idea about embryos and follicles and sperm counts and lupron injections. I still feel like I don't know everything there is to know. I have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I'm getting there. I thank God for women who are blogging about their experiences, so I am going to try my best to blog as well. Even if no one reads this. I think it will help me deal with my own emotions during the process.

Something else I've learned from these blogs is that IVF doesn't always work. Even after all the hope and the injections and the worry. Even after a good number of eggs retrieved and a five day transfer, sometimes it just doesn't work. My doctor said 60% chance of success. I trust him, and I'm extremely hopeful. But I'm also trying to be realistic in my expectations. With such a strong emotional and financial investment, it's hard not to put all your hope into a round of IVF. It's got to be devastating to find out that it didn't work. But at the same time, just think of the joy in finding out that it did work and that there's a little Bittmann bun in the oven!

For the next 2 months, 1 week, and 5 days, my plan is this:

• Work out and get fit. (We've already joined a gym and I've lost 4 pounds so far! Yay me!)
• Yoga and other meditation/relaxations. (I bought a fertility meditation from health journeys. I want to listen to it at least once a week.)
• Learn as much about the IVF process as possible. I want to know my stuff for when the time comes!
• Stay positive and believe that this is going to be our miracle.

As long as I have some things to focus on and ways to be productive over the next two months, I know I'm going to be okay.