Questioning

Lately, I have been feeling so incredibly grateful. It is truly a miracle that I am pregnant right now without having to go through our planned IVF cycle. It's honestly been hard to wrap my mind around this whole thing. I spent months preparing for IVF, reading every book and website I could get my hands on, asking a million questions, and doing my best to mentally become prepared for the rollercoaster of daily shots and everything that goes along with it. But then, to find out two days before shots were to begin that I am pregnant? It was like having my entire world flipped upside down, but in the most beautiful way imaginable.

In some ways, however, it's difficult to really believe this is real. I am so scared to really settle into it, you know? It was given to me at a time when I least expected it, and I guess there's a part of me that is scared that it can be taken away just as quickly.

I'm not saying that I'm not grateful or extremely happy. I am!! Believe me!! It's just still seeming so very surreal, you know? And I also have been questioning why something like this happens? Why would I get pregnant right before IVF when so many other women struggle through several rounds with nothing but heartache? Why can't every woman who wants to get pregnant get pregnant? It just doesn't seem fair and the whole process of TTC is such a whirlwind.

Of course, some of my friends actually said to me, "See? All you needed to do was relax and now you're pregnant! You probably just knew IVF was coming up and were relaxed knowing everything was going to be okay." Ha! I just smiled and nodded, but honestly? Anyone who has read my blog or knows what I've been going through over the past couple of months knows that I was anything but relaxed. I don't feel that it had anything to do with how relaxed I was or any of that. I think it had more to do with the fact that this was just my journey. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and everything has fallen into place. I have no idea why, but I do know that I am extremely blessed.

Still, I sometimes read through the blogs of friends who are still going through their IVF journey and I almost feel guilty. I know that sounds crazy, in some ways. But it's just me being honest. I feel guilty when I read about someone else's heartaches. Why? I ask this question all the time. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to make sure I don't lose it? I know these are all questions that have no answers, but it doesn't keep my brain from spinning.

My prayer that goes up right now is for all women who want to be pregnant and want to be mothers will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy. Sooner rather than later.