Our Baby Story

My New Blog!

2012-02-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yippee! I talked about this in my post yesterday, but today I finally have my design finished and my first post up. I definitely plan to still follow all of you and keep commenting on your blogs. I hope that you will follow me to the new blog. It looks lonely over there with no friends yet, haha. From now on, I probably won't be posting here anymore, as all of my pregnancy posts and family news will go to the new site. I would love to keep up with both blogs, but let's be honest, lol. I can barely keep up with all my blogs (professional and personal) as it is. :P

So, here is my new blog. The Bittmann Family. Stop by and say hello, and I hope to keep updates coming much more frequently over there. Thanks everyone!!

Hard to Keep Up!

2012-02-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! George and I aren't planning anything fancy - just a movie (no dinner plans because the GD makes things more difficult, blah). But it should still be a fun evening together! Hope you all have something fun planned too.

I also wanted to apologize for not updating very often lately. Keeping up with the blog has been increasingly difficult. The reason behind it is two-fold really.

1) My brain is all over the place! I'm working on another book and am determined to have it out before baby Andrew gets here. It's important to me to be able to take a few months off after he's born, which means the book needs to be D.O.N.E. Plus, then there's a first baby shower coming up, the registry had to be completed, the baby's room needs to be cleaned out and get painted and there's just so much to do.

2) The second reason is because I feel like this blog was more for me to talk through the pain of infertility. I needed this as a place to spill my heart and deal with those pains and frustrations. I know most of the friends I've made through this blog are at different parts of their journeys - some are pregnant and some are still struggling. It's sometimes hard to gush about how happy I am when I know there are others still waiting for that good news. I know how difficult it was for me to read posts like that from other women when I was still not pregnant. Even though I was happy for them, there was still that feeling of why not me? When will it be my turn? For that, I feel like I need to hold myself back from really talking openly about my pregnancy.

So, I've decided to create a new blog! I had Faith design a new blog for me (which I LOVE, she's so awesome!). I haven't yet made any posts, but I will be linking it here as soon as I get it all set up and ready to go. I hope that those of you interested in following my pregnancy will follow me over there.

I certainly don't want or intend to abandon my friends I've made through this blog, so I will definitely still be following all of your posts and cheering you on through whatever your journey is right now. I just feel that a new blog is the right solution for me. One I can share with my friends and family openly (this blog was a little too painful at one time to share with everyone in my life), and one where I can talk openly about my pregnancy and share pictures of the baby once he comes without feeling guilt.

I hope this isn't coming off wrong. I just want to make sure I'm being sensitive to everyone, you know? You've all become very important to me. I hope that many of you will follow me over to the new blog. I promise I will post a link as soon as it's up and running!!

Gestational Diabetes

2012-01-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

I found out yesterday that I have Gestational Diabetes. This news has hit me quite hard, even though in a way, I was expecting it. I have PCOS, but along with that, I am also insulin resistant. My blood sugars have never been so crazy out of control that anyone diagnosed me with diabetes, but it was definitely something I was concerned about. When I first went to my OB/Midwife appointment back in November, I mentioned this concern and worry, especially when they told me that I would come off Metformin at 12 weeks. The midwife basically argued with me for over 10 minutes about the issue, claiming that I couldn't be insulin resistant without being diabetic and that PCOS had nothing to do with insulin resistance. I seriously wanted to choke her. I told her that I had a pre-existing condition and told her exactly where to find my labwork that showed I did have some issues with insulin.

At my second appointment, the midwife (a new one this time b/c the practice rotates several) acted as if she'd never heard this news. She didn't understand why I wanted an early glucose test. She just stared at me with a blank face and said they do the GD test at 25 weeks and there was no need to do it early. I insisted, expressing again that I was concerned about it. Finally, I was scheduled for a test at around 19 weeks (last Thursday). They just called me back yesterday at almost 5 in the afternoon to tell me that not only were my levels high, they were so incredibly high I won't even have to do a 3 hour glucose test. She used the words "Dangerously high", which of course freaked me out. Anything over 140 is bad, right? My level was 232. She then said that I would be sent to see a specialist at Duke, but when I asked when the appointment would be, she just said, "Well, if they don't call you within the next week or two, give us a call back." WHAT?? A week or two? You can't say my levels are dangerously high and then tell me it might be two weeks before anyone bothers to explain to me how to deal with these levels or begins to monitor me. I was both devastated and angry.

I went in this morning and demanded to talk to someone in patient services. I explained the problems I've had so far with the practice and that I haven't felt like I was taken seriously with my concerns. The woman agreed that some mistakes were made. For example, there was not a single note in my file about me having previous insulin resistance. She said I should have been treated from the very beginning as a diabetic patient rather than just let this go untreated. I'm so upset. I don't know whether to stay at this practice or try to find a new doctor. She said she would mark my file as MD only from now on so that I won't have to go in and see the midwives. There are 2 OB's at this practice. Ironically, I chose this practice specifically because of the fact that they have midwives. I felt I would get a better level of care and personal attention, but that hasn't been the case at all. I've been rushed through every appointment and had to argue my way through both this insulin issue as well as details of my due date, ultrasounds, etc. But I also know that switching practices mid-way through my pregnancy could be a real ordeal. Will insurance cover everything? How do I know another practice will be better? How do I find a better practice? I have no idea what I should do, to be honest.

This news of GD comes with a whole new set of fears. Will I have to be induced now? Will I need insulin shots? Is my baby going to suffer because of this? Will he be healthy? Will he be too big for me to have a natural birth? Is he growing okay in there? It's such a scary thing. I know there are plenty of women who have gestational diabetes and who go on to have perfectly healthy babies, so right now I am trying to concentrate on the positive, but it's so much easier said than done. I am going to have to be super diligent about eating well and eating low carb, high protein for the next 20 weeks. I also need to get more exercise in and make sure it's every single day. I hate that my gym closed, because that would have been an ideal place to go walk on the treadmill every day even when it's cold outside or raining. I just want everything to be okay.

Sorry this post has been kind of a rant out of nowhere, but it's been a tough day for me, and I'm so scared. I hope my baby is okay.

16 / 17 Week Update

2012-01-06T12:09:00.000-08:00

Wow, I've been slacking on my posts!! Since I am finally feeling a lot better these days (yay for no morning sickness!!!!), I have been working about 10 hours a day on my novel. I am working my butt off to get it published by January 20th, so it's been a whirlwind of a past couple of weeks with both work and the holidays and such. But I needed a break from the novel, so I wanted to give a brief update on what's been going on with the pregnancy.

How Far Along: 17 weeks tomorrow

Picture of Baby:

My Baby This Week: Your baby's skeleton is changing from soft cartilage to bone, and the umbilical cord — her lifeline to the placenta — is growing stronger and thicker. Your baby weighs 5 ounces now (about as much as a turnip), and she's around 5 inches long from head to bottom. She can move her joints, and her sweat glands are starting to develop. (From www.babycenter.com)

Weight Gain: 7.5 pounds. Not bad! I am trying to keep it below 25 pounds for the entire pregnancy, so I feel like I'm actually pretty much on track.

Baby Bump:

Sleep: I love my snoogle pillow!! It gives me great support and it's helping me be able to sleep on my side. Overall, I think I'm sleeping much better. I crave naps all the time, but I find that when I do nap, I usually feel groggy and have a headache afterward, so I've been trying to avoid them. Basically, that means a lot of tired days, but I'd rather be tired than feeling sick.

Best Moment of the Week: Technically, this didn't happen this week, but my best moment since my last update was telling my family that we are having a baby boy! Everyone was so excited and surprised (since it's all been girls so far in our family). It was a fun moment that left a perma-smile on my face.

Movement: I want to be feeling this baby move! I still haven't felt any flutters yet, though. On Sunday night, I felt something strange, but it was there and gone so fast, I can't be sure it was the baby. Nothing more since then. At the gender u/s she said I had an anterior placenta and it might be a while before I can feel the baby since he's kicking the placenta instead of me most of the time. Boo!! I know it's coming though and I absolutely can't wait!

Symptoms: Heartburn!! I actually bought little plastic containers and filled them with tums so I can put one in each of my purses, by my bedside, in the bathroom, and in my laptop bag. Ha! I'm still tired, but it's nothing like it was at the beginning. I feel great overall and am so happy to be pregnant and having things progress so well!

Food Cravings: Root Beer. How's that for a strange craving? I'm trying to stay away from it, though, because of the sugar content. Still, sometimes I just can't resist.

What I Miss: Nothing right now. I'm honestly just happy with how things are right now.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling the baby move. Also, our anatomy ultrasound on Monday. I hope everything looks great and the baby is growing well. Since we declined any other genetic testing, this will be the first real look at whether there are any indications of Down's or anything like that. I pray everything looks healthy.

Weekly Wisdom: Even if the beginning is tough, hang in there and just stay positive! Better times are coming!

Milestones: Finding out the gender! Baby Boy Bittmann is now officially Andrew George Bittmann :). It's so much fun to be able to start planning the nursery and baby registry. In fact, we already bought our bedding set for Andrew's room. Exciting!

Emotions: I am overwhelmed with happiness these days. Everything is really finally starting to feel real and I am getting comfortable in the fact that this baby is really going to be our baby boy! I think I was holding back in my excitement at first, but now it's all really happening. Getting so close to halfway now!!

Good things are happening. Monday's ultrasound will be our last official ultrasound as long as everything looks good. It's hard to believe we won't be able to see our little man for the rest of the pregnancy, but at the same time, it will mean he's healthy, which is awesome. Also, we are very close to starting our Hypnobabies birthing class! That starts January 21st, and I absolutely can't wait! Now, I just have to get this novel published first and I can start really working on the nursery and getting the house in order.

It's A....

2012-01-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

BOY!!!!!

Definitely crazy excited to share this news with you! I never really pictured myself with a son (always had thought I would have a little girl someday), but the second the u/s tech said boy, I felt so overwhelmed with love and excitement. I announced the gender to my family on Christmas eve and they couldn't be more excited. This will be the first grandson in the family as my sister and brother both have little girls. I didn't do anything too crazy for the gender reveal, but I did decorate plain brown paper bags, then put a little blue surprise inside. Here are a couple of pics.

The little surprise was simple - just tulle circles filled with kisses and tied with a blue ribbon and a tiny little blue pacifier charm. Cheap, but fun! I passed out bags to everyone in my family and had them open them at the same time.

And here are the beautiful pics of our baby boy.

We will have our big anatomy scan on January 9th, so they will be able to tell us without a doubt what the gender is, but the technician at the 3D place was pretty sure it's a boy. Also, I'm sure I've mentioned that my acupuncturist also thought boy since week 11.

We are going to name him ANDREW GEORGE BITTMANN. Such exciting news to be able to share at the holidays. Looking back over 2011, it's hard to believe one year could be full of so much sadness, yet end with so much happiness.

My sincere prayer is for those of you out there who are still struggling with infertility to find your happiness and have your dreams come true in 2012.

14 Weeks and Our 2 Year Anniversary

2011-12-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

Today is mine and George's 2nd anniversary!! We had such a happy weekend together, it was amazing. He came home early from work on Friday and surprised me with a beautiful black diamond necklace. Very sweet and very unexpected!! This is going to sound like such cheese, but we spent Friday evening starting a new MMO together - Star Wars, The Old Republic. If you remember our history, George and I met playing Everquest II. We started out internet friends, grouping together in game and hanging out, then it progressed to chatting on ventrilo and then webcam and by phone, and finally, meeting in person. Gaming is an important part of our friendship and we may be nerds, but we have fun together! EQII has kind of been boring lately, so when this new game came out, we decided to give it a try. We are definitely having a lot of fun with it, and it's a great way to spend time together.

Saturday morning we got a couples massage, OMG. It was amazing. George had a deep tissue massage and I had a pregnancy massage. We both left feeling so happy and relaxed. We spent the whole day together, taking a long walk, napping, just hanging out, then went to an early dinner at our favorite Japanese Hibachi Steakhouse. YUM! We ended up sitting at the bar for over an hour afterward (so George could finish his Sake, so sad I couldn't have some!) just talking, which was great. Sunday was more relaxing and walking together, and I love every minute we spend together.

It's such a happy place we're in this year. We're still so very much in love with each other. And now we have a baby on the way!!! I couldn't ask for more in life. Here is a recent picture of us together. I was very newly pregnant here, but had no idea yet. Hehe. How exciting!

And for the most recent pregnancy update!

How Far Along: 14 weeks

My Baby This Week: Your baby's stretching out. From head to bottom, he measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of a lemon — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. His body's growing faster than his head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. By the end of this week, his arms will have grown to a length that's in proportion to the rest of his body. (His legs still have some lengthening to do.) He's starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over his body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and his spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Though you can't feel his tiny punches and kicks yet, your little pugilist's hands and feet (which now measure about 1/2 inch long) are more flexible and active. (From www.babycenter.com)

Weight Gain: 8 lbs. Ouch! At least 4 lbs of this has to be in my boobs, ha.

Baby Bump: Definitely popping out now! I love to see this little baby bump and am looking forward to watching it grow.

Sleep: Getting better the more I get used to the Snoogle pillow and to sleeping on my side. The massage helped a lot too in working out some of the knots in my shoulder. I think I'm getting over some of the fatigue too and don't need quite as much sleep as I did in the beginning.

Best Moment of The Week: Anniversary dinner, realizing that this will be our last anniversary as a couple. Next year and from here on out, we will be a family of three! So exciting!

Symptoms: Heartburn. Ugh. It sucks!! Tums are my best friend these days. If the old wives tale is true, this baby is going to have some serious hair when he/she comes out! Still a little nausea, but I got a fresh scrip for Zofran and am hoping this will carry me through the last of it. My breasts are still sore, especially the nips. I hope that means my body is working great and is getting ready to produce lots of milk!

Food Cravings: Nothing specific still. After such a great dinner Sat. though, I might start craving Japanese, hehe.

What I Miss: Being able to have a glass or two of Sake at dinner. It's not a big deal, really, but it's weird to think it will be such a long time before I can drink again.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Friday's Gender Ultrasound. OMG, I'm dying to hear the news!!!!

Weekly Wisdom: No matter how bad I feel, I never want to take a single moment of this experience for granted. I'm so blessed to be pregnant.

Emotions: I'm Lady Waterworks these days. Lots of tears, but mostly joyful tears. :)

13 Weeks

2011-12-12T22:06:00.000-08:00

Yay! I made it through the most difficult/dangerous part of the pregnancy. I know there are differing opinions on when the second trimester begins (even in my own OB office, one nurse said 12 weeks, but the midwife said 14, lol), but I am going to go ahead and proclaim that I have officially hit the second trimester! I definitely feel a little bit better. The nausea is mostly gone, (yippee!!) except for a few early morning quease sessions. It's so much more manageable, which is awesome.

Also, I am off the progesterone supplements and the metformin. I was incredibly nervous about coming off of these medications at first, but now that it's been about a week, I am feeling better. I am incredibly happy that I bought the Sonoline fetal doppler so that I can hear the baby's heartbeat whenever I want to. It's given me a lot of peace of mind to hear that strong heartbeat. So here's my official 13 week update:

How Far Along: 13 weeks

My Baby This Week:

Weight Gain: 6 lbs. Not bad for the first trimester I guess. It's a little more than I wanted to gain, and now that I'm off the metformin, I'm a little bit nervous that the weight will come on even faster. I am going to have to be a lot more careful about what I'm eating. I also need to make sure to be better about exercise. We've been trying to walk about 2 miles a day, but I keep missing days. (oops!)

Baby Bump: My bump is finally starting to grow! It's still small, but I'm posting two pics - the one I took at 4 weeks just after we found out I was preggers, and the one I just took on Saturday evening. You can start to see the little bit of bump growing! It's very exciting.

Sleep: This is definitely the tough spot for me right now. I bought one of those Snoogle pregnancy pillows, and it seems to be helping some. Still, my body is achy. It's surprising that I'm having body aches this early in my pregnancy. I wasn't expecting that. I've had a hard time sleeping all the way through the night, and when I wake up in the morning, I feel stiff. I normally sleep on my back, so it's tough to make the switch to side sleeping. Hopefully this discomfort won't last the entire rest of the pregnancy.

Best Moment of the Week: Buying my new pregnancy full belly panel jeans. They are so incredibly comfy and they look great on me. Ahhh, what a relief to get out of my regular jeans.

Symptoms: Nausea and fatigue are definitely starting to go away, which is an amazing relief. My worst symptoms right now are the body aches and discomfort when I sleep.Also, my nipples are killing me lately. This may be TMI (ha!) but when I go outside and it's cold, my nipples scream out in pain. It literally feels like they are on fire. Same thing when I am in the shower. My breasts might be a little bigger as well.

Food Cravings: I have been absolutely craving cupcakes lately. Every time I see one, my mouth waters like crazy. Still, I have been a good girl and haven't given in to the temptation. Right now, I'm trying to steer clear of things that are pure sugar. I'm scared of getting GD, so I'm trying to be good!

What I Miss: Being able to get a full night's sleep without waking up or feeling achy.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Our gender ultrasound on the 23rd!!! I can't wait to see if we'll be able to find out if we're having a girl or a boy. I'm so excited!!!

Weekly Wisdom: Pregnancy is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I need to stop being so hard on myself and just keep in mind that my body is going through a lot right now. It's okay if I'm not superwoman.

Milestones: Made it through the first trimester!!!

Emotions: A little out of control. I mean, I cried today at an Onstar commercial on the radio. Seriously.

Slacking!

2011-12-08T14:05:00.001-08:00

Oops! I really have been slacking on my posts lately! Time is just slipping away from me these days. I guess that's a good thing, right? I missed my 11 and 12 week updates, but I promise I will do a 13 week update on Monday, along with a new picture. My bump is small but starting to show a little bit, which is exciting. Actually, I'm kind of in that phase where I just look like I've gained a few pounds. I'm really looking forward to looking like I'm really pregnant!

Meanwhile, I'll just do a quick update on what's been happening. I had my first OB/midwife appointment. It wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world - pap smear, they made me go over my sexual assault from 2000 trying to figure out if I sustained any injuries or have lingering depression, and although they said we were getting an ultrasound, we didn't get one (which means my husband took off work for nothing really). It was disappointing, but I am still going to try to have faith that I picked a good practice. We did get to hear the baby's heartbeat on their nicer monitors, though. We are listening to the baby's heartbeat here at home at least every other day with our Sonoline B, and it's just so cool! I can't wait until I finally get to feel the baby moving.

I had acupuncture today. I may have mentioned this before, but my acupuncturist says he is about 80% right on telling the gender of the baby based on my pulse. His guess for me? BOY! He says he is pretty sure about it. That, combined with my husband's dream that we're having a boy, make me feel pretty confident that we are going to have a little boy come June. We are having an early gender determination ultrasound at a local 3D place on December 23rd at noon. We wont' get our gender/anatomy ultrasound with the OB until January, so I thought I would try to find out at the 3D place. It's $75 and there's no guarantee they'll be able to see the baby's gender for sure, but I figure it is worth a shot! We will leave for Georgia to spend time with my family that afternoon, so I am hoping to surprise them with a gender reveal present! I really hope they get a good look!

Hmmm, what else? I've been writing more, but still not as much as I'd like. The morning sickness is definitely getting a lot better, which is awesome. I am still a bit tired, but I think my energy level is getting better overall. My appetite is definitely increasing, lol. And I've already gained 5lbs. Ouch!! Oh well, I just have to try to make healthy choices and not gain too much. I am off of progesterone supplements and Metformin at this point, which is both scary and exciting. Everything is going well so far, which is great. It's really starting to feel real that I'm going to have an actual baby come June!!! It's the most amazing thing in the world, and I can't believe it's really finally happening.

Sorry for the lacking posts, but I have been trying to keep up with reading blogs. Oh, and I got a blog award too, so I will do a post on that soon too!! More soon!

10 week Update - A little late... oops!

2011-11-22T18:45:00.001-08:00

Hi everyone! I know I'm late with my 10 week update. And I do keep meaning to blog more frequently. Unfortunately, I'm having one hell of a time with morning sickness and just generally not feeling well - which in turn makes it not so fun to be on the computer or sitting up in general :P. LOL. Yes, I think I'm a wimp when it comes to pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy. Just tired of feeling like crap all the time. At least I know it's for a good cause, haha. The best cause really. But at this point, I am definitely praying for a second trimester respite.

How Far Along - 10 weeks!!

Picture of Baby - Not exactly a picture this week, but something pretty cool anyway. I bought a fetal doppler and we were able to find the baby's heartbeat!!! We shot a quick video of the very first time we heard the baby's heartbeat. The video is awful because I had to use a free converter that put all these words on the screen, but it's really the audio that counts, so I'm going to post it here.

I am trying not to use the doppler all the time, but it's definitely tempting. The heartbeat is such a beautiful sound!!!

My Baby This Week -

Though he's barely the size of a kumquat — a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom — and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce, your baby has now completed the most critical portion of his development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature.

He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function, though they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy.

Weight Gain - 4 lbs total now. My waist is definitely starting to get bigger! And yes, my boobs are much bigger too!

Sleep - I think my sleep is getting better in general. Less of the super vivid dreams, though I did have another nightmare about my ex husband last night. WTF is that all about? I would rather not be thinking of him at all, but somehow my psyche is bringing him into my nightmares. No bueno.

Best Moment of the Week - Definitely hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time.

Symptoms - The nausea never lets up. Actually, I did have a couple of good days here and there, but nothing great. And I only have 2 of the original 20 zofran left and I am saving them for Thanksgiving, just in case. That's the worst of the worst as far as symptoms.

Food Cravings - I have definitely had a craving for cupcakes this past week. Strange, huh? I even have dreams about them, LOL. But I haven't given into temptation yet. I know my body doesn't need that extra sugar!

What I Miss - Feeling good.

What I'm Looking Forward To - A more energetic, less nauseated second trimester. Please?

Milestones - Hearing the baby's heartbeat, for sure!

Emotions - I am always grateful and extremely happy to be pregnant. However, this past week, the constancy of the nausea is really bringing me down. It just feels so relentless. I've never felt this bad for so long in my life, and it's turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. Inevitably, this has an effect on my mood and my general emotional self. Hoping to just push through it. I remind myself daily of how blessed I am and that my body is doing some seriously hard work right now growing our little miracle.

An Active Baby (9 week Update)

2011-11-14T15:44:00.001-08:00

I can't believe how fast time is moving. I am being bad about keeping up with the updates, which I swore I wouldn't do once I got pregnant, but oh well, I'm doing the best I can right now and hope to update more often as time goes by! We had our second ultrasound scheduled for this afternoon, which is why I am posting late, and it was AMAZING! The baby has grown so much in just two weeks. It actually looks like a baby now! (see pictures below). And what was even cooler is that he/she was moving around the entire time. It was the neatest thing to see the little arms and legs moving all around. Even the doctor was laughing and saying it was one of the most active babies he's seen. Maybe we have a future gymnast on our hands, hehe. I am so in love with this baby already.

Oh and guess what?? Today, the fertility clinic doctor officially released me as a patient!!! Yes, that's right friends, I am actually going to be a "normal" pregnant woman from here on out. I can't wait to make my first appointment! Tomorrow, I go to a meet and greet with the midwives of the practice I intend to use. I really hope I get a good vibe from them and feel super comfy. This is a sister practice of the fertility clinic and is in the same building, just one floor up. The other great thing is that my fertility doctor is also the on-call OB for them once a week, so he feels completely comfortable with the practice and has had nothing but good things to say - and if needed, it's possible he would be there to see us through an emergency situation. Hopefully, though, we won't need an OB and will happily deliver naturally with a midwife, but that is a post for a different day. Now for the weekly update!

How Far Along - 9 weeks

Pictures of baby (my favorite part) -

(you can see how much the baby moved already just from one pic to the next!)

My Baby This Week - Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain. (from www.babycenter.com)

Weight Gain - 3 lbs at this point. I'm definitely feeling like my belly is pooching out a bit more. I don't have a good picture to upload this week, but maybe next week! I think I'm definitely starting to show already, though, and man, my clothes don't fit! I'm living in yoga pants, haha.

Sleep - Non-stop dreams. And not all of them are pleasant, unfortunately. Ugh. I don't ever feel like I'm getting a full night's sleep, but I know it's all part of the deal of being pregnant. I'm hoping the dreams begin to subside at least a little bit once I move into the second trimester.

Best Moment of the Week - Today's ultrasound for sure! I'm still smiling ear-to-ear hours later. I had read in one of my books that "you may be able to see your baby move on an ultrasound" and thought, wow, that would be cool. But nothing compared to actually seeing those little tiny arms and legs moving around. Best moment of the week? Heck, one of the best of my life!

Symptoms - I would say my symptoms are starting to fade a little bit. My breasts are barely sore at all anymore and I'm happy to say that I have had several days without any nausea. I was concerned about why the symptoms were fading, but after seeing our very active baby, I know everything is okay so there's no reason to worry! I still have some nausea days, like today, but it's good to know I'm having some good days too.

Food Cravings - I don't know if it's a craving exactly, but I've found that tart apples like Granny Smith or Golden Delicious are really good for curbing my nausea, so I've been eating a lot of organic apples lately! Yum!

What I Miss - Restful sleep.

What I'm Looking Forward To - Moving on to a regular midwife/OB practice and getting to ask all the questions. Also, I'm dying to know if we're having a boy or a girl!!

Weekly Wisdom - Staying positive is one of the most important tools a woman can have during early pregnancy. When I work on keeping my outlook and attitude positive, I feel better overall, have less stress, and am happier. If something were to go wrong, I'd rather deal with it at the time than spend all my days worried. Sometimes this is easier said than done, but something I try to remind myself of constantly.

Milestones - Graduating from the fertility clinic! Yay!!

Emotions - So happy my cheeks hurt from smiling!!

Fading Symptoms?

2011-11-11T12:06:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks pregnant already! Time is starting to fly by for sure! For the past few weeks, I've been struggling with some major nausea and fatigue, but today, I actually woke up feeling pretty normal.

*Begin obsessive behavior*

It's so crazy. I've been going crazy with these symptoms, hating the nausea and just begging to feel better. Then when I wake up feeling better, I start to obsess and worry that something has gone wrong. /sigh. My boobs have been crazy sore for weeks, but suddenly the past few days, I don't notice them as much. They are definitely not as sore as they have been, but if I push on them or hug myself tight, I can still feel a little tenderness.

Am I insane for analyzing my symptoms? I figured most people usually start to see their symptoms fade after the first trimester, but I'm still weeks away from the second trimester. Is it normal for some women to start to see their worst symptoms fade already at 9 weeks pregnant?

Of course, I realize that I could just be having a rare good day, lol. It's totally possible that I will wake up tomorrow feeling like poop all over again. I guess I should take this as a present and just enjoy feeling great for a while. I will feel incredibly lucky and blessed if my symptoms are fading but the baby is totally healthy. Win-win.

Monday we will get to see the sweet Baby Bittmann again on an ultrasound. Our appointment is at 3:30 in the afternoon, and I absolutely can't wait. Hopefully the fading symptoms don't mean anything is wrong! I'm going to just stay positive and pray that all is well. In the meantime, if any of you starting feeling some fading symptoms around 9 weeks or so, let me know so I can stop obsessing so much!

Overwhelmed

2011-11-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to feel overwhelmed at this stage! I'm looking toward the next seven or so months and realizing that there is so much that needs to get done. I have found myself just standing there in the doorway to the future nursery, staring at the mess that needs to be tamed into a real baby's room. For years, that room has been my catch-all room. It's my closet (because the one in the master bedroom is super tiny), my crafting/sewing room, a storage room, you name it. I've actually already cleaned a lot of it out, but there's still just so much stuff. To be honest, I have no idea where most of it is going to go.

I have donated a bunch of my crafting supplies to a local school in need. I let some friends come and look through a lot of the stuff that was left, which got rid of some more of it. Then, I actually donated about 3 trashbags full of clothes to the local mission. And that's really just the beginning of it all.

I know I need to just take it one step at a time. I wish the nursery was the only thing that needed work around here. It seems like there's something to do in every single room. Not to mention the fact that we really need new carpet throughout the entire house. I want to do everything I can to make this house perfect for the baby. And the ironic thing is that a tiny baby will have no idea if the house is a mess or not, lol. It's just something I want for the baby to have. Maybe that's insane.

My big hope is that once the first trimester is over, I will get some of my energy back and can finally start to tackle some of these big jobs I have on my list. When I'm feeling tired and nauseated, the last thing I wanted to do is clean the house or work on organizing. Honestly, I'm ashamed to admit that all I really feel like doing these days is sitting in front of the TV and vegging out. Is that terrible? It's almost like a weird melancholy that comes over me. It's almost a restlessness. There's so much I want to do, but I feel helpless to do any of it. It's definitely a strange feeling, and I really hope it passes soon.

On a totally happy note, though, I am actually almost 8 1/2 weeks already! Time is definitely moving right along. Next Monday, I have my second ultrasound. I really hope we get to hear the heartbeat this time! I am also really hoping that the fertility clinic graduates me to a regular OB practice after this appointment. I'm still not completely sure which practice I'm going to go with, but I'm ready to get settled with my doctor and midwives and move into a 'normal' pregnancy. Exciting!!

8 weeks! Man, time flies!

2011-11-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's already been more than a week since my last post. I don't know where the time has gone. I think once I got to see our baby's heartbeat and some of that worry melted away, time just started slipping by. I promise to be better at updating!

How Far Along - 8 Weeks!!

My Baby This Week - New this week: Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. You may be daydreaming about your baby as one sex or the other, but the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl. Either way, your baby — about the size of a kidney bean — is constantly moving and shifting, though you still can't feel it. (From www.babycenter.com)

Weight Gain - 3 lbs. Ouch! I can't believe I'm already gaining weight. I'm eating way too much to try to keep the nausea at bay.

Sleep - Dreams are the story of my life. Well, that and getting up to pee. My sleep is riddled with crazy vivid dreams, then I wake up, have to get up to pee, then I go back to sleep and start dreaming all over again. It's wild! I never wake up feeling like I got a really good night's sleep.

Best Moment Of The Week - Buying my first maternity clothes! I guess this could also be labeled as the most depressing moment of the week, haha, but I'm trying to look at it in a positive light. Yes, I'm only 8 weeks along, but my normal jeans feel so tight on my belly. I bought a few bella bands, but then I feel like my pants are falling down all day. So I went to Old Navy and bought some new maternity leggings (super comfy and cheap) and a pair of their maternity jeans. The low rise ones, because I figured the full panel belly would be too big for me right now. It was actually fun to be looking through the maternity clothes. I've been waiting for this for a long time! Besides, I figure I'd rather be comfortable than worry about whether or not it's too early for maternity.

Movement - From what I've read, the baby is probably moving around quite a bit in there, but I still can't feel it yet. Can't wait until I do, but I know that's still a while yet!

Symptoms - My breasts are decidedly bigger, but they are hurting less than they were in the beginning. I am still fighting against constant fatigue and awful nausea, but the zofran helps. They only gave me 20 pills in my prescription, so I've only been taking them when I absolutely know I'm going to throw up, lol.

Food Cravings - I'm still in a phase where nothing really sounds good to me most of the time. I used to love doughnuts and sweets, but right now, the thought of eating some cake or a doughnut or something turns my stomach. Guess that's a blessing, really, considering I've already started gaining weight. Man, if I was craving sweets, I'd be in serious trouble!

What I Miss - Being able to sleep all the way through the night without getting up.

What I'm Looking Forward To - Getting to see the baby again on an ultrasound next week. Hope we get to hear the heartbeat this time!

Emotions - Feeling so happy and so incredibly grateful. I have a peace now about this baby, feeling that it was just meant to be and everything is going to be okay.

Seven Weeks (and a heartbeat!!)

2011-10-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! This is going to be a big update because we got big news this weekend! The story starts out scary, just like a Halloween tale should. Friday afternoon around 5, I got up from my desk to use the bathroom and when I wiped, there was lots of red blood. My heart nearly stopped and I immediately felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm sorry if this is too graphic, but when I wiped again, there were several dark red blood clots. I was terrified. I have read many stories of that being the start of a miscarriage, and I just prayed and prayed nothing was wrong with the baby.

I called my nurse right away, but since it was after 5, I got the answering service and had to wait for them to call back. Because I said I was pregnant, the service gave my call to the OBGYN instead of the fertility clinic, so I had to explain myself again and wait for the fertility clinic nurse to call. It was torture. My husband lay there in bed with me as I cried and tried to get myself together. Finally, my favorite nurse called around 6:15 and said she wanted me to come in for an ultrasound on Saturday morning. She told me to take it easy and just stay on bedrest and that if the bleeding got worse to head to the ER. I dread going to the ER to wait, so I was determined to wait it out.

I barely slept at all on Friday night. George and I got up on Saturday morning and went straight to the clinic. They did bloodwork and then finally, after more than an hour in the waiting room, we were called in to the ultrasound room. When the doctor walked in, I felt so incredibly vulnerable. Naked, of course, from the waist down and just knowing that the next few minutes would either be full of great joy or great sadness. I held my breath as he inserted the ultrasound wand and George clutched my hand tight. "Everything looks good." When the words came out of the doctor's mouth, I began to cry tears of joy.

He turned the screen toward us and let us see our little baby for the first time. It just looked like a strange blob on the screen, but it was beautiful!! I asked if he could see a heartbeat and he said yes, then pointed out a fluttering little pulse on the screen. Wow!!! What an awesome sight! I totally fell in love in that moment and was so grateful that everything was okay. We got a cute little printout of our little Baby Bittmann and I couldn't be more excited! Now, we're scheduled for a second ultrasound for 9 weeks (November 14th). The doctor said the bleeding was just my body's way of saying I need to take it easy. He said he didn't see any reason for us to worry, which was very sweet news.

So, after that LONG update, here's my weekly update:

How Far Along: 7 weeks

Picture of Baby:

My Baby This Week: The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry. (Taken from BabyCenter)

Weight Gain: Ugh. Another pound added on this week. I guess I am eating too much and not getting enough exercise, but I don't want to overdo it now especially that the doctor said to take it easy. I guess I'm just going to have to let the weight gain not bother me for now! Total gain is now 2 pounds.

Baby Bump: You can actually see the beginning of a baby bump! It's definitely not enough to look noticeably pregnant yet, but it's enough for me to see. I can't wait for my tummy to pop out a little more and for people to actually recognize me as being pregnant.

And yes, I know. I really need to find a cuter place to take my bump pictures, lol. Please ignore the mess on the window seat!

Sleep: Still not sleeping very well. I tried Unisom a couple of nights and slept so great, but after the bleeding, I'm scared to take or do anything. I'm sure the unisom had nothing to do with it, but why take any risks at this point? I'm trying to take several naps during the day to make up for the poor sleep at night.

Best Moment of the Week: By far seeing the heartbeat on the screen!!!

Symptoms: Same as last week. Achy, nauseated, sore breasts, peeing a lot, etc. Eating has been weird this week. It's like I'm hungry all the time, but when I eat I can never really feel satisfied. Nothing sounds good to me, not even pizza, which is saying something! I know I need to eat for the baby's health, but it's almost tedious to eat these days because I never feel good.

Food Cravings: I guess what's weirder than any cravings is the fact that the food I normally crave (ie. Pizza) is not as appetizing to me. Literally nothing sounds good. Ever. I wish I would suddenly start craving some super healthy nutritious foods like carrots and grilled chicken. :)

What I Miss: Feeling not sick.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Getting my energy back. I've heard the second trimester can be really enjoyable once the general sick feelings go away, and at this point, I'm really looking forward to that!

Weekly Wisdom: Always have faith that things are going to work out exactly the way they are supposed to. I spend too much of my life worrying over things that are out of my control.

Milestones: First ultrasound!! Seeing the baby's heartbeat and knowing we are that much closer to being out of the danger zone.

Emotions: I've been all over the place this week. Tonight, I actually cried during Practical Magic. That's really not a sad movie, but it touched me and I sobbed. What can I say? I'm a huge pile of hormones right now!

Motivation

2011-10-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

All along, I knew October was going to be a slow production month. After all, I'd planned on this being my IVF month. I thought I would be feeling ill and bloated and scared and nervous and completely not creative. Well, the truth is that even though I'm pregnant, I'm still feeling ill and bloated and scared and nervous, lol. For some reason, when I found out I was expecting, I thought I would suddenly have all this renewed energy and be able to be creative and work hard. Boy was I wrong!

I always imagined that after such a long struggle to get pregnant, once the news finally came in, I would be so happy that none of the morning sickness or fatigue would phase me. Haha. I guess reality is often very different from what we think it's going to be. I never expected how much this constant tiredness or unyielding nausea would knock me on my ass. Yet here I am, struggling.

Don't get me wrong! I'm enormously happy, and that alone gives me energy. However, these days I'm spending my energy in a not-so-productive way. I know that what I need to be doing right now is working hard. This is one of the drawbacks of working for yourself, lol. I have complete control over how I spend my day. No one is making me work any certain hours. No one is expecting me to turn in any work. It's all up to me. And when I'm not feeling extremely well, it's hard to work up the motivation to work on a new novel.

Of course, no new novels means no new money, haha. And right now, there's so many things I want to buy! There's all the baby stuff, nursery decor, clothes, etc. Then there's new carpet for the house, which I desperately want. And even though it's nowhere near a necessity, I would love to have a new car. Something with more room. I know money isn't the most important thing in life, but it would definitely mean less stress when the baby arrives.

I happen to be in the lucky position that I can make extra money by writing more books. So why can't I write? AHHHH. Trust me, I'm trying. Unfortunately, my focus has gone all wonky. When I have time and energy, I always end up browsing baby or maternity shopping sites, reading about labor and delivery or breastfeeding, looking at different nursery options, etc. I know all that stuff is normal and that it's okay to be daydreaming and browsing these sites. However, it doesn't need to be happening at the sacrifice of my writing and career.

So how do I get back into it? How do I find my motivation again for writing when all I can think about is babies?! Hehe. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions? Or is it just a matter of time? I keep wondering if I'm just slightly paralyzed mentally until I pass this milestone of the first ultrasound. Once I see that heartbeat and know that everything is okay, will it unlock a door inside that allows me to go back to my regular life, in a way? Is any of this making sense? LOL. Mostly, I'm just rambling and thinking through this, I guess. :P. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a more productive day.

Six Weeks!!

2011-10-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

It's still too early for much news, but I thought it would be fun to start my weekly pregnancy updates! I am going to take my cues from The Johnson Journey blog and follow a similar format as hers. Technically, I hit my new week on Saturdays, but as I am unlikely to keep up with my blog on the weekend, I'll just try to keep my weekly updates to my Monday post. So, without further ado, here goes:

How Far Along - 6 weeks.

Picture of Baby - So excited to get this, but nothing yet. I have my first u/s next Wednesday, so I'll update as soon as we have our first picture of our little one.

My Baby This Week - This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil. (Taken from BabyCenter)

Weight Gain - I have already gained a pound. I know you're not supposed to gain during your first trimester, but I think it's mostly water weight. At least that's what I'm telling myself, haha.

Baby Bump - It's not the most exciting picture of all time, but this is my pre-baby-bump picture! Please ignore the somewhat dirty mirror and the spots on the wall where my towel rack fell, LOL. /sigh. I need to find a cuter place in my house to take my weekly pics. :P

Not much bump to report yet. Honestly, though, at this point, I feel like some days I have extra tummy and then some days I sort of deflate back to normal. Is it crazy that I'm actually anxious to start having a bump? I can't wait!!

Sleep - Ugh. I'm not getting nearly enough. I'm having the craziest, most vivid dreams! Weirdly enough, most of my dreams are about me being pregnant in High School, LOL. I have no idea why I would be dreaming about that, but last night I dreamed I was in class and thinking about how tough it would be when I started showing and everyone found out I was pregnant. How weird is that? I mean, I'm 34 for goodness sake. This surely isn't a fear of mine :P.

Other than the dreams, I also have to get up a few times in the night to go to the bathroom. I'm also tossing and turning a lot. Hopefully the sleep problems won't continue throughout the entire pregnancy. For now, I'm taking lots of mini-naps to make up for lack of sleep at night.

Best Moment of the Week - George high-fiving my baby bump. OMG, that was the cutest thing ever.

Symptoms - Nausea, nausea, nausea. It's pretty much nonstop 24/7. Sometimes eating a good high-protein meal can keep the ickiness at bay for a couple of hours, but nothing else seems to work. I've tried Sea Bands, Gingerale, Ginger tea, Ginger gum, Preggie Pops, everything I can think of. Nothing helps for too long, but I'm hanging in there. At least I haven't been throwing up! Just nauseated all the time. It definitely makes working a lot harder. I simply can't focus. Still, the nausea makes me happy in a weird way, because it gives me a good feeling that the baby is healthy and growing in there! Other symptoms so far are sore breasts, vivid dreams, and having to pee a lot :P. I'm also thirsty all the time.

Food Cravings - It's not exactly a craving per se. BUT, never in my entire life have I been a hamburger eater. I pretty much hate them. But in my quest for more protein to try to help with the nausea, I got two cheeseburgers at McDonald's the other day. I know, I know, I should really be eating a lot healthier than McDonald's fast food right now, but I'm telling the truth when I say that I felt better after those two cheeseburgers than I have the rest of the entire week. I had about 3 gloriously nausea-free hours afterward.

What I Miss - Nothing except not feeling nauseated all the time, hehe.

What I'm Looking Forward To - My first ultrasound next week. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time!! I can't wait to hear that little heartbeat!!!!

Weekly Wisdom - Patience is a virtue, lol. I always thought the 2ww was torture, but now I know that the waiting is just as hard after you get a BFP.

Milestones - Morning Sickness, haha. Not the most glamorous milestone, but still, it's like a badge of honor, right?

Emotions - Definitely on a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm extremely happy to be pregnant, but also terrified of something going wrong at the ultrasound. I also cry at the drop of hat, hehe. All part of the package I suppose!

Shopping and Waiting

2011-10-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

It's possible I am a slight shopaholic. I love to shop for new clothes, decorations for the house, books, anything. Needless to say, I'm so ready to start shopping for baby!! I can't tell you how many hours I've already spent browsing amazon and babies r us and pottery barn kids, haha. Still, it's just simply to early to start a registry or go out and buy anything substantial.

I'm optimistically hopeful that we'll see a strong heartbeat at the ultrasound in two weeks. I'm definitely looking forward to knowing for sure that everything is alright and our baby is growing strong and healthy inside. Tomorrow, I'll be six weeks pregnant so the little heart should definitely be beating already!

I spend a lot of time daydreaming. Is it a boy or a girl? What will it be like to have a sweet little baby in my arms? Will he/she look like me or like George? How should I decorate the nursery? Should we buy a bigger car? It's fun to day dream, and it leads to much happier thoughts than when I start to worry about whether everything is okay or not.

Yesterday, I went in to Toys R Us to get a gift card for a friend's little boy and literally spent an hour browsing on the Babies R Us side of the store. They have so many pretty cribs and cute bedding. I stared at all the little blankets and pacifiers. I even smiled at the bottles, lol. I was like a kid in a candy store. I can't wait to start buying all those things and getting the house ready for a little one.

I think once the ultrasound is here and we see a heartbeat, I will feel a little more comfortable starting to pick things out. Please, oh please let everything be okay in there! I've definitely got the symptoms to prove it, ha! Nausea 24/7, ick. But I'll gladly take it if it's just part of growing a healthy baby. Just 12 more days until we get to see our little bean. I can't wait!

Questioning

2011-10-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling so incredibly grateful. It is truly a miracle that I am pregnant right now without having to go through our planned IVF cycle. It's honestly been hard to wrap my mind around this whole thing. I spent months preparing for IVF, reading every book and website I could get my hands on, asking a million questions, and doing my best to mentally become prepared for the rollercoaster of daily shots and everything that goes along with it. But then, to find out two days before shots were to begin that I am pregnant? It was like having my entire world flipped upside down, but in the most beautiful way imaginable.

In some ways, however, it's difficult to really believe this is real. I am so scared to really settle into it, you know? It was given to me at a time when I least expected it, and I guess there's a part of me that is scared that it can be taken away just as quickly.

I'm not saying that I'm not grateful or extremely happy. I am!! Believe me!! It's just still seeming so very surreal, you know? And I also have been questioning why something like this happens? Why would I get pregnant right before IVF when so many other women struggle through several rounds with nothing but heartache? Why can't every woman who wants to get pregnant get pregnant? It just doesn't seem fair and the whole process of TTC is such a whirlwind.

Of course, some of my friends actually said to me, "See? All you needed to do was relax and now you're pregnant! You probably just knew IVF was coming up and were relaxed knowing everything was going to be okay." Ha! I just smiled and nodded, but honestly? Anyone who has read my blog or knows what I've been going through over the past couple of months knows that I was anything but relaxed. I don't feel that it had anything to do with how relaxed I was or any of that. I think it had more to do with the fact that this was just my journey. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and everything has fallen into place. I have no idea why, but I do know that I am extremely blessed.

Still, I sometimes read through the blogs of friends who are still going through their IVF journey and I almost feel guilty. I know that sounds crazy, in some ways. But it's just me being honest. I feel guilty when I read about someone else's heartaches. Why? I ask this question all the time. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to make sure I don't lose it? I know these are all questions that have no answers, but it doesn't keep my brain from spinning.

My prayer that goes up right now is for all women who want to be pregnant and want to be mothers will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy. Sooner rather than later.

First Ultrasound Decision

2011-10-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much to everyone who weighed in about my question on when to schedule my first ultrasound. It means so much to me to hear everyone's side and be able to make a good decision. Sorry I haven't updated much lately. I've been trying to get back in the habit of writing again. I had originally planned for this month to be all about relaxing and staying low-stress and dealing with the IVF process in the best way I could without adding pressure as far as my career goes. With the amazing news of getting pregnant, I have also realized just how much needs to get done before baby. Most of which takes money. Which brings me back to my writing, haha.

But I do want to keep up with my blog, so here I am, and I'll be better about not skipping days this week. Plus, I wanted to give an update on my decision since so many people were awesome enough to leave suggestions and advice about the ultrasound.

At first, I called and scheduled it for October 26th. I would be 6w4d pregnant at that point. However, after reading your comments and agreeing that it would probably drive me even more crazy to go in and NOT have a definitive answer about the baby's heartbeat, I decided to call and have the u/s pushed back one week. Now, I'll be going in November 2nd, which is 7w4d into my pregnancy. I feel like it's a perfect compromise. Only a few days away from the 8 week mark that my doctor suggested, but still late enough that we should definitely be able to see a heartbeat and know that everything is okay.

This puts me 2 weeks and 2 days away from the ultrasound!! So it's back to another 2 week wait for me, hehe. In the meantime, I am trying to stay positive and know that everything is okay in there. Everything is unfolding exactly the way it's supposed to, for better or worse. And I am going to trust that journey.

Bathroom Organization Project

2011-10-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

Now that I am expecting, I am starting to look around the house and realize how much needs to get done! I would love to say that I am one of these future mommies who keeps an immaculate 3000 square foot house with lots of storage and great organization and decoration. Unfortunately, we live in a townhouse that is only 1500 square feet and needs some serious work. Plus, dare I say it? I suck at housekeeping. I forget to dust. I don't vacuum nearly as often as I should. Closets start out somewhat organized or spare and then as I buy more and more things, they become disgustingly cluttered and disorganized. It's embarrassing, really. It's also not the kind of thing a woman is supposed to admit, but I have to be honest about where I am to understand where I want to go.

Trust me when I say I've been working on making a lot of improvements to myself in the past several years. Weight loss. Eating right. Exercise. A new career. Getting rid of negative self-talk. Fixing up the house has sort of taken a back seat. Also, we'd been living on my husband's income for several years so there hasn't been a ton of money to put into things like new carpet or fresh paint or storage systems. But now that there's a baby coming, I know we've got to start getting things organized around here. Thank goodness, I have a good career of my own now, but we'll still be on a budget for a while.

First and foremost, we're going to need the space! And better organization and cleanliness means more space all over the house. I decided there's no better time to start than the present. My first project? My bathroom. We have two bathrooms in our house, one in the master bedroom and one in the hallway that has general access. Since we had two, George took the master bathroom (that only has a shower) and I took the hall bath with the tub. Now, looks like I'll be sharing the hall bath with a baby and a someday, a toddler!

Okay, I'm going to share some pictures of my closet and under the sink. It's totally embarrassing because it's just so incredibly messy (easy to just close the door and forget the mess, lol), so please don't judge me! It's awful, I know! Thankfully, I have before and after pictures, and the after is so much better.

Bathroom closet before:

And after:

I got rid of one huge bag of trash. Mostly, it was full of old hair products and lotions that I haven't used in months. I lined the shelves with removable decorative shelf paper. I re-purposed some CD bins I had in my office that weren't being used anymore and the only items I bought were the stackable sets of white bins at the bottom of the closet. Being on a budget, I was happy to find them in sets of 3 for less than $5 a set at Walmart. Each bin has a theme. Cleaning supplies. Bandages. Extra cotton balls. etc. Hopefully now that everything has its own place, it will be easier to keep clean.

Here is the before and after of the space under my sink. Terrible, I know! I've gotten in the habit of just throwing stuff down there. Yuck!

But look at it now!

I put lined the bottom and the back with the decorative shelf paper. All of my curling brushes and curling irons and straightening iron are all stored in the larger pink container. The white baskets in the center are for my makeup (which is usually strewn all over the counter). I put the makeup I only rarely use but wanted to keep in the bottom bin, and the one on top is full of the makeup and the brushes I use everyday. The basket on the right side is full of odds and ends. Oh, and by the way, I threw out another large bag of trash from all the shampoos and such under the counter and old makeup I never used anymore. Ouch! It's awful to think about all the things I had just in this one room that I didn't use or need.

And I didn't just work on the closets and sink. I also put up a fresh new shower curtain and liner, new bathmats and cleaned the top of the sink and toilet. I don't like the color of the bathmats, though, so I want to exchange them before I take an overall picture of the bathroom.

Honestly, I had really been hoping we could afford to buy a brand new house before a baby came, but it just isn't in the cards for us. The townhouse we live in now is one George bought a few years before we met. Since I didn't have any choice in picking it out, I'm not terribly attached to it. Okay, in some ways, I hate it, lol. But it's our home and I want to make it the nicest possible place it can be for our sweet new baby next June. There's a lot of work to do, but I'm going to do my best to take it one small project at a time. However, I have a feeling nine months is not really as long as it sounds!

Third Beta! And a Question...

2011-10-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

I just got the results of my third beta. 519!!! So it more than doubled again and I can breathe easy for a little while, thank goodness. But I have a dilemma about the first ultrasound.

The nurse said I should schedule it for the week of November 6th. Ugh. SHe said they typically like to do the u/s one full month after the positive test. That would make me 8 weeks pregnant already. She said they do it because that way there's no chance you won't see the heart beating and the baby growing if everything is okay. I, of course, am not super happy with this timing. That's almost a month to wait!!

I expressed my unhappiness and she said I could schedule it for sooner, but that we might not be able to see a heartbeat and Dr. Toma would probably want me to come in again before 10 weeks just to make sure everything is okay. So what do you ladies think I should do? I actually called the nurse and scheduled an appointment for October 26th, which is only about 2 weeks away. I would be 6weeks, 4 days pregnant. I mean, almost everything I've read says that most people can see a heartbeat by then

George thinks I should do what the clinic recommends because he is scared that if we go in early and don't see a heartbeat, it will be catastrophic for me and I'll freak out. My worry is that what if there's just a sac and there's not really a baby growing in there? I don't want to happily think I'm pregnant and all is well for the next four weeks when I could have found out in 2. /sigh. Am I overthinking this?

I'm debating whether to call and reschedule back to a later week or just go in for the 6 week one and risk not seeing a heartbeat by then? But they would at least be able to tell if there's a tiny fetus that's growing on schedule, right? I guess mentally and emotionally, I would rather know something is wrong earlier rather than later. Any advice?

Second Beta

2011-10-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

Oops, I forgot to update with my second beta results on Saturday! They were great. I went up from 70 to 203!! I feel really good about that so far. I go in for a third beta tomorrow and am praying for a really nice number above 406.

My progesterone, which started at 12.6, was up to 23.7, so the prometrium is doing its job. The cramping has stopped almost completely, which is good. But then I'm not feeling as pregnant as I was before because of it, which starts to worry me too. I guess I'm going to be concerned either way, haha. I think I will be much calmer if my hCG has gone up the way it should. Still, I don't think I'll begin to relax until I see the little peanut on the screen and hopefully see a heartbeat.

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes!

The Most AMAZING News!!!!!

2011-10-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

As all of you know, I was scheduled to begin IVF tomorrow. We just found out officially yesterday that there is no need for IVF, because I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!

I am absolutely over the moon excited. I can't even describe to you how I am feeling right now. Grateful. Shocked. Scared. Happy beyond words.

Let me tell you what happened.(I blogged it before, but I'm repeating because I'm exciting!) Two weeks ago, my doctor wanted me to come in so he could check whether I was ovulating on my own or not. If not, he was going to give me 2 weeks of birth control pills before my IVF cycle. If I was, they were just going to let me ovulate and wait for AF to come naturally. I was supposed to go in Monday the 26th for an ultrasound and blood draw. I got a positive OPK on the 22nd and called my nurse, asking if I could come on Friday instead. I just had a feeling I was O'ing a little early and wanted to check to make sure we got the timing right.

When I went in on Friday, the 23rd, they found a large 22mm follie on my left side! I was amazed! Before when they were checking me, I never had a follicle on my own like that. Even with Clomid, we never had such a large, healthy looking follicle. The nurse called me back that afternoon and said that even though my follicle looked good, I didn't have hardly any progesterone in my system. Basically, I had the mature egg, but my body was actually ready to ovulate it. She asked me to come back in and they gave me a trigger shot.

We had some seriously fun and exciting BD'ing that weekend, haha. Still, I wasn't expecting a pregnancy! This weekend as we drove to Hilton Head to see my family, it was raining. I looked over and saw this beautiful rainbow and I just felt in my heart that it was there for me. I felt that God was telling me to stop worrying, that everything was going to be okay. We had the most amazing weekend with my family. Then on Sunday, George woke up and said he'd had this very vivid dream about us having identical twin boys. He told me I should take a pregnancy test when we got home.

Let me tell you, at this point, I had completely forgotten about the trigger shot. It's been since Feb. that I last had one, so I didn't think about it at all. So imagine my surprise when I got a BFP on my pregnancy test that night. I was only 8 DPO and 9 days past trigger. We were exciting and believing I could really be pregnant. Then, I remembered the trigger shot and my heart just fell. Crap! Not a real BFP but a stupid false + from the trigger. Poop.

But George was convinced I was really pregnant. I went out and bought more tests, lol. 9DPO there was still a line, but it looked lighter. I was pretty sure it was trigger leaving my system, but there was a part of me thinking, wow. 10 days after the trigger and it's still showing up? Before, when I tested out my trigger, it was always a stark white BFN by 8 days later, so I had some hope, but was just not sure. I tested again the next morning. Still positive! Hope crept in even more, but I was so scared to really believe! Another darker BFP 11 DPO (12 days past trigger) and I was starting to believe. BUT there was so much doubt. I didn't want to believe it and then have it turn out it was just that stupid trigger staying in my system!

I called my nurse and asked her if it could be the trigger and she said yes. Ugh. Not helping! LOL. She said to come in as planned on Thursday, 12DPO and 13 days past trigger, to get a blood test to verify for sure. If not pregnant, we would have the pharmacy ship my IVF meds.

So, I went in very nervously yesterday morning for the blood draw. Then I waited all day with knots in my stomach. She finally called me yesterday around 1:45 PM. Positive beta at 70!! She said they normally will look for anything 50 or above at 14 days past trigger, and since I was already 70 at 13 days past, they felt that was high and perfect! My progesterone was only 12.6., which she said is a touch low, so they prescribed prometrium as a vaginal insert to help with progesterone.

The news hit my heart like a firework. Like a blossoming bomb of joy. I can't even tell you what it felt like to hear those words. "You're Pregnant!" WHAT?? ME?? No way!!!!! I just can't believe it!! My EDD is June 16th!!! It's one of the greatest joys of my life, and I can't believe after all these months of preparing for IVF, I actually got pregnant without it! It's a miracle!

I honestly feel in the deepest part of my heart that it's all the changes I've made recently that allowed this to happen. Acupuncture, Organic foods, Low glycemic Index, lots of exercise, losing more than 5% body fat. For PCOS, I think this shows that diet and exercise really can make a difference. Nothing is guaranteed, and of course I stll wouldn't have ovulated on my own if it hadn't been for the trigger, but I feel really excited and so incredibly grateful everything worked out the way it did. I can't believe that instead of going in for a baseline u/s and my first stims tomorrow, I'll be going in for a second beta!! I pray with all my heart that the number has doubled by tomorrow morning.

I've been having some definitely cramping. Feels like AF cramps, to be honest, but no bleeding, thank God. My nurse said it's from the low progesterone and the inserts should help. So far, today, not much cramping so hopefully the progesterone is doing its job. Please, dear God, let this baby stick and be healthy!!! I'll update again tomorrow with my new beta numbers!!!!

Can you believe it?? I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

Trigger Shot Question - HELP!

2011-10-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, I have a question for all of you who have had trigger shots in the past. How long has the trigger stayed in your system? The first few times I was given a 10,000 iu trigger shot, I used internet cheapies in order to test out the trigger. I started the day after the trigger shot and tested each day until the line disappeared. Each time, I had a negative test by 8 days after the trigger shot. Still, I've read that on average, the rule of thumb is that about 1000 units leave your body per day, so a 10,000 unit shot would take about 10 days to leave your system.

So just out of curiosity, I was wondering if any of you have ever tested out your trigger shots? Have you ever had a false positive as late as 12 days past your trigger shot? I've read on some forums that some women still have enough trigger in their system as late as 13 days past trigger or longer, but I'm wondering how likely that is. I'm not ready to explain exactly why I'm asking, but I would really appreciate any feedback on this!

My Sweet Mother

2011-10-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

I had such an amazing weekend in Hilton Head. It was exactly what I needed! George and I got there late on Friday evening. My parents had already been there for a few hours and we all sat up until after one in the morning talking! (And my parents aren't usually up past ten-thirty, hehe.) The rest of the weekend was so incredibly relaxing. We walked on the beach. Walked to the top of the lighthouse. Went shopping (omg, I bought the most amazing purple leather jacket!). Then had dinner outside on the patio of a great seafood restaurant on the water. Great company. Amazing conversations. I felt so loved and supported, full of positive energy and hope.

I'm pretty sure my Mom is just about the sweetest person on the planet, also. She brought me three things for my IVF shots table and survival kit.

First, a pink baby blanket her grandmother made for me when I was a baby. I slept with it and snuggled in it when I was tiny. It's beautiful and perfect! And did I mention pink? Hehe. Maybe it will be good luck and bring us twin girls, lol. Of course I will be more than thrilled with a boy or a girl, but I have always wanted a little girl, so we'll see! My husband had this crazy-vivid dream the other night that we had twin boys, though, and he's often very intuitive! I would be happy with twin boys!

Second, she brought my cabbage patch kid from when I was a little girl! I used to carry this doll around everywhere, haha. Mom went up into the attic to find it. She's still wearing a dress my own grandmother made for her. And she still has lipstick smeared all over her face, lol. I remember putting that on her.

And finally, she brought me this small round box. Inside, it is filled with small wrapped presents. One for each day of shots. How sweet is that? I wasn't expecting it, but I know it will put a huge smile on my face during the tough times. I was so incredibly touched by the gifts she brought. I don't even know what's in the box, but it's not even so much what's in the wrapped gifts as the thought she put into it and the time she spent putting it all together. It means the world to me and lets me know I have all the support in the world.

I can't believe I'm only 5 days away from starting shots! I will go in early on Thursday morning for a blood test to make sure I'm not pregnant. It's really just a formality to make sure I don't have my meds delivered and paid for, then realize I don't need IVF! In the back of my mind, I know it's a possibility, but at the same time, I know it's a super slim chance and probably not worth really thinking about. I'm full speed ahead with IVF and fully intending to start meds this weekend.

I really hope and pray that AF comes on time and doesn't mess with me by coming late. I'm so ready to get started. Have I said that already? Haha. It's so true. I feel so good right now. I feel positive and very hopeful. I know the craziness will probably come soon and the roller coaster of emotions will take me from high to low on a daily basis, but I'm hoping for a big high at the end of this to make it all worth it.

Hilton Head!

2011-09-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

In just a couple of hours, we'll be on the road! We're heading down to Hilton Head Island, SC to spend the weekend with my parents. I haven't seen them since May and I was really feeling like I just needed some time with people who love and support me. It's an 8 hour drive or so down to visit them in Georgia, so we're compromising and meeting in between. We have a lovely 2BR condo on the beach for the weekend, and even though it will be a short trip, it makes my heart happy.

We don't have any big plans other than just shopping and hanging out on the beach and spending time together. That's the best thing about spending time with family you love and enjoy being around. You don't really need anything planned in particular. Even if we just sat in the condo the whole time talking, I would be fine with that!

Today I was thinking, how cool will it be when we're going to visit my parents with our little baby? It's going to be awesome. My parents are so incredibly good with children. My mom is just one of those people that everyone's kids love. She's a natural! So I know my babies will love her so so much, and the same with my dad. I can't wait to see them someday with my child. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I pray it's sooner rather than later.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! When I get back on Sunday night, I'll be only 6 days away from starting stims. Holy crap, this is really happening!

Hope and Fear

2011-09-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I keep going back and forth between these two primary emotions. Hope and Fear. Right now, as the cycle approaches, I'm feeling more hope than anything else. Excitement, too. There's very little fear, which is a little bit strange. I have been feeling so much fear for months. Lots of anxiety about how this will all turn out. But suddenly, there's a peacefulness coming over me. I feel ready and calm.

How long do you think it will last? Haha. I'm hoping I can hold on to this sense of calm at least through the weekend. Once shots begin next weekend, I have a feeling the fear will come back in full force. The monitoring appointments are going to be tough. It's the not knowing. It's the fact that every time you go in to the doctor, something could have gone wrong and everything you hoped for could disappear. A cycle could be canceled at any moment. You just never know.

I'm wondering if there's any way I can hold on to this peacefulness throughout the cycle. I'm going to try my best. I can't believe how fast time is moving now. I'm down to only 9 days left. I hope AF shows on time and doesn't torture me with being late.

Indulgence

2011-09-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

Last night, I decided to indulge in a little comfort clothing for my IVF cycle. I'm expecting to be bloated, crampy, and generally not feeling like going out a whole lot in the next month. But that doesn't mean I can't at least try to wear comfy clothes, right? Hehe. So, that's the logic I used when I took my debit card to the victoria's secret online store last night.

I am pretty much addicted to Victoria's Secret Yoga pants. I LOVE them. They fit me perfectly (and in Medium, haha, which is also good). I have them in purple, orange, green, and black, but the black are my favorites. I love that you can choose from 4 different inseam lengths so they are never too short or too long. Unfortunately, I wear them to the gym so much they kind of wear out by my thighs and get faded out because I wash them so often. So, I went last night and they were having a SALE on their yoga pants. Only 2/$50. Eek! I bought four pairs, LOL. I got two plain black ones and then two pairs of their foldover pants - one in pink and black and one in blue and black. I can't wait to get them in!

I also indulged in a pair of their pillowtalk Tank pajamas. It's a tank top set with these super soft pj bottoms. My mom bought me some for Christmas a couple years ago and they are the most amazing pj pants in the history of pj pants. Seriously. I heart them. But they are expensive. $50 for just one pair. Still, I deserve it right? They are super cute, too. I got these that have ANGEL on the tank and the black pants with white polka dots. I might live in them during bedrest, haha. I'll be thinking about the little angel that will hopefully come into our lives next July!

Only 10 days left until the big day, and I feel like time is finally moving faster. After months of waiting for this, it's awesome to finally see these dates moving right along.

I feel a little bit guilty for spending nearly $180 last night on nothing but yoga pants and pjs, lol. But at the same time, I know they will all be super comfy things to wear during this process and having something new will be nice for me. Of course, with the expense that is IVF in general, I suppose I need to start looking for cheaper ways to indulge myself :).

11 Days

2011-09-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

After all this waiting, I am excited to see the days ticking by. Only 11 days until stims begin. In the meantime, I have been trying to keep myself occupied. I definitely feel like I am on a short fuse lately. I am having to be careful to keep my stress to a minimum so that nothing can get under my skin. In order to stay calm, I've been cleaning out the future baby's room. It's been cathartic for me to get the clutter out of that room and make space for a beautiful new nursery.

Most of the room has been filled with crafting supplies like scrapbooking paper, jewelry making beads and tools, sewing materials and so on. I have a friend who has recently started teaching elementary school art at a local private Christian school. They don't have a lot of money for supplies, so I have decided to donate most of my crafting materials, markers, colored pencils and papers to her classroom. It makes me feel good, helps others, and cleans out the room at the same time. Win, Win, Win :).

This weekend, my husband and I are going to Hilton Head, SC to spend the weekend with my parents. It's too far of a drive to go all the way to George where they live for the weekend, so we decided to meet about halfway. We've rented a very cute 2 BR condo on the beach for two nights, and I'm really looking forward to it. It will be nice to see them before shots get started and feel their love and support. Once we get back, it will be only a matter of a few days before everything gets under way.

To be honest, I'm getting very excited! This is the single best shot I've ever had at getting pregnant. 60% chance. I just keep repeating it in my head, over and over. More chance of being pregnant than of not being pregnant at the end of this cycle. My prayers right now are for a good, healthy cycle with mature eggs and some healthy embryos. I hope that we are able to get two really good blasts for 5-day transfer and then a few healthy embryos for freezing, just in case. I'm excited for the possibilities and very hopeful that the next month and a half will be full of joy and great outcomes.

What if?

2011-09-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

Lately, it's the 'what if's that have my brain spinning at night. Truth be told, I have always been a 'what if' kind of person. It's one of my greatest flaws. I am always thinking forward to the future and trying to figure out all of the worst possible scenarios. Don't get me wrong, I also think about the good things and the positive possibilities. It's just that part of me feels like I'd rather be emotionally prepared for the bad things. There's a small comfort in at least knowing the worst case. As long as I know what might happen, it won't completely blindside me, right?

Only life doesn't exactly work that way. There's always some hidden danger you weren't expecting. On top of that, sometimes when the worst things happen, it doesn't matter that you knew they were possible. Sometimes the bad things still knock us on our butts, regardless of whether we thought we were prepared for them or not. Some things hurt so badly, there's no possible way to prepare. 11 years ago, I had the worst thing happen to me when I was on a trip to Europe. Did I know it was a possibility? Yes, I guess there was some part of me that knew something like that could happen to a woman traveling alone in a foreign country. But I never really thought it would happen. So when it did, I wasn't prepared. Tomorrow, it will be 11 years since it happened, and I'm still not over it. I don't know that I will ever be over it.

In that instance, it didn't matter that somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was a possibility. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional impact of that one single event. So why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep borrowing trouble? If it doesn't truly make the bad things easier to digest, why do I spend weeks, even months, worrying about the what if's? What if I don't get pregnant with IVF? What if we can't afford to try again? What if I miscarry? What if my heart breaks over and over again?

The answer to all those questions is the same. If any of those things happen, terrible as they may be, I will grieve. I will be sad, angry, upset, yes, even heart-broken. But I will survive it. Just like I've been surviving for the past 11 years. It will hurt, but I will find a way to be strong. I will move past it, and someday, I will become a mother. I hope that it will happen sooner rather than later, but life is full of what ifs and unknowns and that will never change. So for now, I'm going to try to put those what if questions and worst-case scenarios to the side and choose instead to try something new. Hope.

CD20 Ultrasound and Progesterone Bloodwork

2011-09-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, George and I went in to our clinic for our education class. When the nurse gave me my protocol, she mentioned birth control pills. I know they don't typically prescribe bcp, so I asked about it. She said Dr. T was thinking I don't have a true natural ovulation and therefore do not truly shed my lining with each period. In order to get a good start to the IVF cycle, he wanted me on 14 days of bcp to stimulate a good AF.

Instead of just sitting back and letting them tell me things I didn't feel were true, I actually spoke up (which is a big deal for me in a situation like this.) I told the nurse that I thought I was actually ovulating on my own. I asked her if it would make a difference one way or the other and she said she needed to ask Dr. T. When the verdict came back, she said that yes, it would make a difference. If I'm ovulating on my own, the bcp would be a bad idea as it would mess with my natural cycle. So, in compromise, we decided to do a u/s and progesterone check near the time I thought I was ovulating to see if it looked like I was going to ovulate on my own.

Today is CD20. I got a near-positive OPK yesterday and the day before along with some twinges on my left side. I also have EWCM (egg-white cervical mucus), so I was pretty sure I knew what we were going to see today, but I still had my doubts. I kept thinking, what if I haven't even been ovulating the past six months like I thought I was?

I still have to wait for the results of the progesterone test, but there was no doubt what was going on with my ovaries! My right side was quiet, but on my left side, I had a big 22mm follicle. Definitely looks like I'm ovulating on my own! This is such good news for me, because a year ago when they did this, there was absolutely no activity. That's why I went on Clomid in the first place. Now, because of the lifestyle changes I've made with diet and exercise, along with the metformin and vitamins, I'm actually ovulating on my own. I looked at that big follie and thought, "Wow, I did that! I made that happen." It was pretty exciting to see.

Unfortunately, ovulation has not equated to pregnancy. I'm not sure of the reasons behind that. Maybe the outer shell of the egg is too hard, which often happens with PCOS, and the sperm just can't get in there. If that's the issue, the embryologist will bypass that step with ICSI (where they actually inject the sperm into the egg with a tiny needle). I pray it's not an implantation issue or a problem with the overall quality of my eggs. We'll know more once the embryologist gets hold of them next month.

Anyway, I'm going to have to wait until this afternoon to know officially, but I am pretty sure this means no birth control pills for me, which makes me a happy girl. I should be on track for AF to arrive around October 7th, which means my baseline u/s, blood draw and stims will all be starting CD2, October 8th! That's only 15 days away! I'll update later with official word, but it looks like a natural cycle for me this cycle, and I honestly couldn't be happier. It just goes to show that with PCOS, sometimes changing diet and adding exercise really can make a difference. All this hard work has not been in vain.

*UPDATE* - Seems I spoke a little too soon. Carla called me around 2:30 to say that my progesterone levels were nearly 0. Basically, what that means is that even though I have a mature egg that is ready to pop out, my hormones are not giving it the go-ahead. When that happens, the egg ages and deteriorates and in the end, if it does come out, it's not good anymore and my lining doesn't totally shed with AF. BCP would be bad because since I already have a big follie, the bcp wouldn't get rid of it and it would still be there in 2 weeks and I wouldn't be able to start stims, so it's definitely good I went in to have this all checked.

Still, this explains why I'm not getting pregnant naturally. In order to solve the issue, I went back in this afternoon and got an HCG trigger shot. Basically, that forces the egg to ovulate. I don't want to get my hopes up and think that maybe we could end up pregnant on our own, but it is a possibility. They want me to come in for a blood test in about 12 days to make sure I'm not pregnant before I order my meds for IVF! I should still be right on track for AF to arrive on October 7th and stims to begin on the 8th, but man, wouldn't that be amazing if I got pregnant? I know, I know, stop dreaming, right? Haha.

Forgiveness

2011-09-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

Infertility is such an internal struggle. I worry that I'm being too emotional and everyone is looking at me like I'm weak or insane. I beat myself up for feeling so scared all the time. I stress out about not being able to relax (ha! go figure THAT one out!). I'm being incredibly selfish right now with my time and my emotions. I feel ashamed of my problems getting pregnant, and then ashamed again of not being stronger throughout this process. These are the bad emotions that haunt me. Stress. Worry. Shame.

Then, when I confide in other people about how I'm feeling, I often get comments like: "Relax! I have a friend who stressed out and then when she finally just gave up and stopped stressing about it, BAM, she was pregnant!" or "What's going on with Sarra? Oh, I figured she was just being emotional again." or "It's not always all about you." And let me tell you, those comments? Not helpful. I already know all those things. I already beat myself up enough about those things, but until you're standing in my shoes, you don't understand how difficult it is to relax. And you know what else? I'm allowed to be emotional right now. Don't try to invalidate my feelings, because that only makes me feel shame.

The bad emotions and thoughts aren't the only ones, though. Just because I say I'm worried or scared doesn't mean that's ALL I am. I'm also incredibly hopeful. I'm so thankful for insurance and great doctors and even the miracle of science that is IVF. It blows my mind that they can take the egg and sperm and create embryos in a lab. I daydream about what it will be like to be pregnant. I shop online for things I want to put in the nursery. I browse maternity clothing stores online for what I might want to buy and what might look cute on me. I linger in the baby section at Target, dreaming about my baby. Trust me, there are a lot of great emotions too. It's just that sometimes the worry is more helpful to talk about. Blogs are like therapy, you know? It helps to just get it out there and know you aren't alone.

Plus, there's a fear that if I talk about all the hope and all my dreams, then I don't get pregnant, I will look like a fool. Crazy, huh? But honest.

So, I'll just have to ask forgiveness for now. Forgiveness from those friends who think I'm being selfish and emotional. Forgiveness from God for being so self-centered and not having a strong enough faith to believe that this will all work out okay. Forgiveness from my husband for all the tears and late night conversations (although I know he'll say there's nothing to forgive). I have to learn, also, to forgive myself. I have to forgive my own body for not doing what it's supposed to do as a woman. I have to understand that it's not my fault. I want to forgive myself for not working harder on my book right now and for choosing, instead, to take some time off so I can handle the stress, worry, fear, hope that is coursing through me. And I need to forgive the people who say those incredibly insensitive things to me. They don't mean to hurt me, I'm sure. They just don't understand.

Today, I will close my eyes and sit with my chin raised toward the sky, and let forgiveness wash over me.

Pre-Nesting

2011-09-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

I guess you can't technically call it nesting until you're pregnant, right? But I have this feeling of wanting to pre-nest. I never thought it would be so hard to get real work done at this point, but this is where I find myself. I am having the hardest time being creative. When I sit down to work on my book, nothing good comes out. The words don't feel or sound like me. Instead of trying to force it, I'm taking a break. I'll go back to writing my book when I feel inspired and it can be less of a chore. So what else can I do with my time? I need something to keep my mind and hands busy.

So I think I am going to clean. I'm talking about a really good, down on my hands and knees scrubbing kind of clean. Besides, the future baby's room is kind of a mess. Right now, it's a hodge-podge of a room. It's my closet (because there's no room for my clothes in our bedroom, lol), it's the room where the dog sleeps and eats and generally lives, and it's the place where all my crafting projects went to die. Seriously, all my scrapbooking, stamping, beading, whatever projects and supplies are ALL in that room. And I never use them anymore. Once I hit the ground running with my writing, I simply lost interest in all that other stuff. I still want to scrapbook, but I want to do it digitally instead. I don't really have a need for half the things in that room, to be honest. It's time to purge.

My plan is to set some sheets out in the living room downstairs and slowly carry all my crafting stuff down there and sort through it. I know a few friends who would love to have some of the stamps and beads and papers. Hey, if any of you ladies in the blogosphere love to scrapbook or stamp and want to see what I have, you're more than welcome to it! I can post a picture next week or something if anyone is interested. I also want to go through all my clothes and shoes and purge things that are too big now that I've lost some weight or stuff that I just don't wear. There's a donation center close to our house that is always in need of things that are in good shape. I really want to clean out the clutter in the baby's room and maybe steam clean the carpets and get it looking fresh and ready.

Most of the rest of the house is clean already, but everything could always use a good dusting and scrub down. It might feel really good to start our IVF journey with a super clean house. A clean space just feels good, you know? And I tend to collect clutter in little piles. Books, for example, are the worst! I have so many stacks of books! I just need to organize and purge. Soon, we'll be making room for baby clothes and a stroller and a bouncy seat and toys, right?

Tomorrow I'll start my little pre-nesting session. I'm going to load up my iPod with some great playlists that I can sing to and set up my iHome somewhere downstairs where I can blast it, haha. It will be like my own free version of therapy and stress relief.

Oh and just as a news update - I got a near-positive OPK today and some definite fertile CM, so I think the acupuncture might be leading to a slightly earlier O for me this month. I called my nurse and she moved my u/s and progesterone draw to this Friday. This is just for the doctor to see if I'm truly ovulating on my own or not. If they get a good high progesterone of 2 or more and I have a dominant follicle that looks promising, they will just let me O on my own and wait for AF to start. If not, they'll prescribe birth control to force a really good AF that will reset my lining really well for the IVF cycle. Either way, I should still be on track for stims to start by October 8th or so. I really don't want to be on bcp, but if I do need them, I'm secretly hoping he'll just prescribe 7-10 days, which would have me starting stims even earlier! I'm ready!

My Shots Table

2011-09-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

I was reading Amanda's blog, Our Fertility Journey, and found this great post on her IVF setup. I immediately fell in love with the idea. Stims and shots are going to be going on in some fashion for at least 4 weeks, so why not make the area where you'll have your meds and shots look nice and be a place of encouragement and love? It's a brilliant idea, really, and one I am promptly going to steal :).

We have decided to set up our shots table (for lack of better phrase) in the kitchen. Since some of the medicine like Follistim has to be in the fridge, we figured it was the best place. We also have one of my old desks in there anyway where we currently just have some odds and ends placed. I'm going to clear the desk off this week and set up a nice little station where we can do our nightly shots. I say 'we' because I'm making George do all of the injections. Partly because I want him to feel like he's a part of it all, and partly because I think it will be easier if he does them so I don't have to psych myself up for it. Besides, George actually does have some medicine he'll have to take, haha. He'll be on an antibiotic starting the same day I start stims, all the way up to the day of retrieval.

So, what should I put on my table? I already purchased these super cute little Hello Kitty baby socks. (If I haven't already told you, I'm sort of addicted to Hello Kitty and saw these 6-9 mo. socks at Target and couldn't resist! It's my first official baby purchase! If I have a boy, I'll have to give them away, though, haha. I won't torture my son by making him wear HK, hahahaha.)

I am going to put our wedding photo on the table too. Also, I bought a small black frame and I am looking for a really good quote or Bible verse to go inside. Any suggestions would be appreciated! Hmm.. what else? Oh, I have a beautiful crystal vase, so I plan to put fresh flowers in there and replace them about halfway through the cycle. Maybe new flowers after the ER to celebrate our new embies! I might put a really yummy smelling candle on the table that we can light.

Oh, and my husband's contribution to the shots table?? He loaded the LMFAO song "Shots" to my iPod and we are going to put my iHome on the table and play it while he gives me shots, lol. /sigh. He's crazy, but I love him. If you don't know the song, it's NOT about IVF shots, haha. It's about alcohol and has nothing whatsoever to do with babies, but it's upbeat and it makes me laugh when he sings it to me, so Shots it is!

I'm going to put some time and thought and love into creating this little space where I will get my nightly shots. I also want to organize my meds in a nice container or something, but until I get them delivered, I don't really know what I'll need, so that will have to wait a couple of weeks. I have about 19 days until shots begin, which seems like forever, but I hope will fly by so we can get this show on the road!

Patience

2011-09-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

Right now is a time for great patience and understanding. I have to find a way to be patient with the process. I ended up leaving my beach trip early last week because I simply couldn't focus. What I expected to be a wonderful week to unwind and write so many words that I would get ahead with my book, turned out instead to be an emotional breakdown. I realized too late that this is a really bad time to be away from my husband. I also realized that I need to give myself some slack. Expecting myself to be able to write an entire novel while dealing with this process is just not realistic. And beating myself up over not writing fast enough isn't helping.

I need to forgive myself and be patient with myself. Writing is not going to come as fast and easy as normal. And you know what? That's okay. The world will not end just because I didn't finish a book. Yes, it means less money and it means slowing my career down a little bit, but it's temporary. This won't last forever. Soon, I will be pregnant and all this anxiety and fear will be gone. Okay, okay, so I know that's not entirely true. Pregnancy comes with its own set of worries and fears, but for now, I just have to GET pregnant, lol.

I also need to be patient with the people in my life. There are so many people who don't really understand what this feels like. They don't know the financial and emotional investment involved. Most of the women in my life got pregnant for free, without a care in the world. They simply don't get it. So for me to hope or expect that those women would have sympathy and understanding for me right now is slightly unrealistic. Instead of being upset or feeling ashamed or defeated, I need to just be patient and maybe stay close to home for a while. Maybe stop spending much time with the people who don't understand and instead spend my time with my husband and friends that ARE sympathetic.

I have just over 2 weeks before stims begin. For some reason, I thought I would be able to work and concentrate and live my normal life all the way up to the moment shots began. I didn't expect to be this emotional and nervous with 2 weeks still to go. My therapist calls it 'anticipatory stress', which is just exactly what it sounds like. Anticipating something to such an extreme that it's causing me stress. I wasn't expecting it, but it's here. All I can do is deal with it as it comes and try to be patient with myself. I am going to do my best.

Thank you to everyone for all the sweet comments and helpful suggestions. You mean so much to me!

Amplified

2011-09-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

3 weeks away from starting stims. THREE WEEKS? OMG. I really thought by now that I would have found some bit of peace to hang on to. I planned on having my positive attitude perfected and being one hundred percent ready for this journey.

HA!

It's just not that easy.

I've been at the beach all week on a writing retreat with friends. I have a book to finish in three weeks, so I planned on this being the best writing experience where I could get tons of pages done and feel great and get way ahead. Wrong! I've barely written 20 pages all week. I've been struggling with every little thing lately. My book sales slump one day? I freak out and think the worst. A little misunderstanding with insurance? I freak out and cry tears of despair. Get a three-star review? You would think it was from the NYT or something with how much it affected me.

It's as if IVF has suddenly AMPLIFIED every other small stressor in my life. Instead of becoming peaceful and strong as we await injections, I'm becoming a mad woman. I don't like it one bit. Honestly, I know I'm a strong person. I've been through so much in my life and always manage to come through it and find the silver lining. So why is this so difficult for me?

I spent all day yesterday on the beach. I swam in the ocean, picked up shells, felt rejuvenated and really focused on remembering my own strength. I had this running ticker of positive thoughts in my head all day. I can do this. I am strong. Everything is going to work out exactly as it should. I'm going to be pregnant soon. I'm a talented writer. I've sold over 40,000 books in less than a year.

I came inside feeling great, had a nice dinner, everything was going amazing. My best day at the beach yet. When we got home from dinner, we sat down to do some writing sprints. I wrote over 2500 words in an hour, which for me is amazing. Then, I started reading over the words and doubting myself. All the negative thoughts came rushing in and I just couldn't get them to stop. This is rough draft writing. I'm never going to finish this book and get it published in three weeks. I can't do this. It's too hard.

Then, I checked my sales. This is something I do every night at midnight. I enter my books sold into a little spreadsheet I created so I can see my averages and such. I only sold 56 books yesterday. That's the worst single day I've had since January. I cried my eyes out. You would have thought the whole world ended or something. I called my husband, crying about how my career was falling into the dumps and how I didn't think I would be able to do it and how Amazon is changing their algorithms and what if I can't get my sales to come back up. Blah. Blah. Blah. Motormouth of negativity.

I went to bed feeling like crap. Woke up feeling so defeated. And of course, it's storming out there now so no sunny beach day to make me feel better. The week is over and I even though I had a goal of writing 40,000 words this week, I've only managed to write 6500. Dismal. I can't seem to get past this extremely emotional outpouring. I can't seem to focus on work at all. Every little thing feels ten times worse than it really is. And even just writing this post makes me realize how not-strong I seem right now. This isn't me! I don't want to be this person. I want to be strong and focused and successful.

But I also want to be a mommy. And while some people can achieve that easily and for free, my body just won't allow it. I'm pushing 35 and have PCOS and am just not getting pregnant on my own. It's just simply not fair. I've worked so hard to be a success and create my own business and life in so many other ways, but something like motherhood really just shouldn't be so difficult. I shouldn't have to work so hard at this. And I really wish I could report that I'm being strong and together and focused and positive. I know that's what everyone around me wants me to be and tells me I SHOULD be, but trust me, it's harder than you think. If you've never been where I am now, you probably don't understand.

So, ladies, dear friends of the internet who have been where I am and who DO understand what I'm going through - how do you do it? How do you work and focus and clean the house and concentrate and deal with all the little things that stress us out each day? How do you do it without freaking out and feeling like every little thing is so important right now? How do you stay positive while waiting for shots to begin? I need help figuring this out!

Good News, Bad News

2011-09-14T12:34:00.000-07:00

Infertility is such a rollercoaster. I know I've said it before, but I have to say it again. It feels like good news and bad news go hand in hand sometimes. One thing starts to look up, something bad lurks just behind it. Today, I heard back from the specialty pharmacy that my meds had been ordered. Unfortunately, they are out of the medrol, but she said I can get a prescription from my doctor and fill that with a normal local pharmacy. I won't even tell you all the details of the run around I had to go through to get information on pricing. Let me just say that it was ridiculous. Apparently, they don't really want to tell you what it will cost until they have your credit card in hand. Just take my word for it when I say it was not a fun afternoon.

Finally, though, I spoke to someone who had a heart and was able to place a "test claim" and bring up the cost of my meds. Because of the type of insurance we have, we don't have a choice when it comes to the pharmacy we use. We HAVE to use our insurance's specialty pharmacy, end of story. So, she went through all the meds and came back to say that the entire order would be somewhere around $280. Yay! Great news, right? I mean, it's amazing news. I had pretty much budgeted that we would owe around $1000 at least for the meds, so for it to be under three hundred bucks is pretty freaking fantastic.

Then comes the bad news. She says that after this order, however, our fertility coverage will be exhausted and any future injectible cycles will be out of pocket 100%. My heart sank. I've seen so many blogs where people have three IVF cycles covered, so I was surprised to hear that we only get one. Well, a lifetime fertility max of $3600 apparently. And we exhausted it with this one cycle. It felt like she added a hundred pound weight to my chest.

I am not in any way complaining about this cycle. I completely understand how lucky we are to have most of this cycle covered through insurance. We're incredibly blessed. I know that there are people who don't have any coverage at all, so I'm not trying to be disrespectful. But we've already used up so much of our fertility coverage. We already knew we were cutting it close with this cycle for our primary fertility coverage, so we knew that if we needed a second cycle, it was going to be expensive. Now, to hear that our medication coverage is also gone from now on? It's just putting so much pressure on me. I'm already feeling a ton of pressure to be healthy and to get this book written. Now, I feel this enormous pressure to get a BFP.

I realize how ridiculous that sounds. I can't control whether I get pregnant this cycle or not. Logically, I know that. But now I keep thinking that if this cycle doesn't work, it could be as long as a year before we can afford to try again. Then, that also pushes our dreams of a bigger house further down another few years because of the money. I am trying to find ways to manage this stress and just be okay with it and understand that things will turn out exactly how they are supposed to, but that's easier said that done. I'm so grateful this cycle is going to be inexpensive for us, but so incredibly terrified that it won't work.

Beach!

2011-09-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

I am going on a writer's retreat week to the beach all next week, and I can't wait!! It's not a formal event or anything. Just a week with a couple friends of mine who are also writers. I just recently finished the rough draft of my next book, so I plan to work SUPER hard next week at the beach on revisions. As most of you know, I've vowed to finished this book before we start stims in October. Yikes! It's not going to be easy, but I know I can do it! It will just feel so good to have this book finished and published before we start meds. Then, I can just fully concentrate on the process we're going through rather than worrying too much about work.

With writing, though, it seems like the second one deadline is met, another deadline is creeping up right behind it. I really want to have the sixth (and I think final) book in the series completed and published before the Christmas rush. I am going to give myself some space on this goal, though. I don't know right now how this process of IVF is going to affect me. It could be more emotionally taxing than I expect. Or it could be a snap. It's all a bit unknown right now, so I'm going to be kind to myself and give myself permission to take some time off. I will have written and published 5 books in a year! That's a big deal! I need to be nice and give myself a break as we go through this, but it isn't always easy to be nice to myself.

I'm looking forward to the beach for other reasons, too. I love the water. I feel so connected to it. There's really no better feeling than standing with your feet just in the surf, looking out over a beautiful sunset, feeling the cool breeze caressing your face. I can't wait! I think it will be a great place to meditate and find my own inner peacefulness. I wish George could go with me, but he has to stay home and work. I will be gone from Monday through Saturday, but I will still have internet, so still plan to find time to blog.

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Only about 1 month until my injections begin. I can't believe it! Oh, and I got a call from my pharmacy today that they had received my order for my IVF meds. No word on price yet, but we'll see! Exciting!

Protocol!

2011-09-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an amazing day. I feel so much better after finally getting so many of my questions answered at the clinic yesterday. We got there around 9:30 AM and George went to the lab to do his part, hehe. Our clinic requires a back-up sample to be frozen just in case for some reason he can't give a sample on the day of retrieval. The great news is that his SA came back amazing. Our best ever. 210 million sperm with over 50% of those motile. We couldn't have asked for a better backup. At 10:30, we went in for our education class.

There were 2 other couples in there with us. We had to watch several videos on how to give the shots, then the nurse came in and gave us a large folder full of information and release forms. We went through all of the information in the packet about the different meds, how and when to administer shots, the different side effects and the typical schedule. We found out that we even get our own little voice mail box that we call in to every day for instructions and messages about the ultrasound results and such. I like knowing we have a number to call instead of always waiting for the nurses to call us with results.

After the main class, the nurse took each couple separately to discuss our protocol and answer any questions we had. We went last so we were at the clinic until after 1:00, but it was so worth it! I still am not sure if I'll be on birth control pills or not yet. The doctor is afraid I'm not really ovulating and so my periods aren't a true shedding of the lining. I, on the other hand, think I am ovulating. Anyway, they are going to discuss it and I might possibly have to go in to get a blood test done this month after my temp rises to see whether I really did O or not. If not, I start bcp for about 10 days. If I did, no bcp needed. I'll find out for sure later this week what the plan is there.

Either way, I should be starting stims around the second week of October! Yay! Here is my official protocol (Antagon Protocol):

CD2 - Baseline ultrasound and blood draw. 225 mg of Follistim and 10 units Microdose Ovidrel each night in my upper arm. Also begin baby aspirin for the rest of the cycle.
CD5 - Second blood draw to check levels.
CD6 - Somewhere around here, I will start a nightly shot of Ganirelix. This is the antagon drug that keeps my eggs from ovulating while the rest of the smaller follies catch up.
CD7 - Third blood draw and ultrasound to check progress of follicles and hormones. At this point, we start taking everything one step at a time depending on how everything is going. I'll go in for either daily or every-other-day monitoring appointments.
CD12-14 - Sometime around here, depending on response, I will be given instructions on our trigger shot! This will be my first intramuscular shot, ouch! My trigger shot is going to be accompanied by a Lupron shot as well, to help prevent against OHSS (ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome).
Beta Check - The day after trigger, I go in for another blood draw to make sure my HCG levels are high enough. If not, I will get a second trigger shot.
Retrieval! - Hopefully around CD14-17, I will go in for my retrieval. This will most likely be done in the morning. They will knock me out with anesthesia, so George is definitely coming with me. He's actually going to try to make it to all the appointments, but it will depend on his work schedule so we'll see! Anyway, I'm nervous about this step because I've only ever gone under anesthesia once before when I had my wisdom teeth out and waking up was really emotional for me.
After Retrieval - Begin 4 days of Medrol (a low steroid that will slightly suppress my immunity so my body doesn't reject the embryos when they are transferred). Also begin an antibiotic.
Day after retrieval - Progesterone Injections begin! These are also intramuscular and I've heard they are a pain, so not looking forward to this, but it'll all be worth it.
Fertilization Report - Lab calls to give us the results of the fertilization. We'll find out how many of my eggs fertilized and how they are looking after a couple of days in the lab. Fingers crossed! They will also let us know here whether to be ready for a 3-Day Transfer or a 5-Day Transfer. We are hoping for a five day, but I know both can be successful.
Transfer - Hopefully around CD 17-19. We plan on transferring the 2 best embies! My hope is that we have two near-perfect little ones to transfer in! Most transfers happen in the afternoons, so I'm planning to go in for an acupuncture treatment before the transfer and again after. Part of this will depend on whether or not the transfer happens on a weekday or not.
Post-Transfer - 3 days of bed rest. Progesterone injections continue for 2 weeks. 14 days past transfer, I go in for my first beta pregnancy test. It's a LONG wait compared to most people whose blogs I've read. Usually, tests are done 9 days post transfer, so I'll have to make a decision about whether to test at home or not. I'm not sure if I'd rather find out early or just wait until the nurse calls. Eek!
Betas - One at 14 days past, another at 16 days past and a final beta at 18 days past.
Positive Beta - If I have a positive beta, I will continue Progesterone injections for one more week, then switch to vaginal suppositories. Normally, they wait to do an ultrasound until a month after positive pregnancy test, but the nurse heard me out about my fears of waiting so long and said that if it would stress me out to wait so long, they could do it 2 weeks after, which would be 6 weeks pregnant.
Negative Beta - Injections and meds will all stop and I will wait for my period to start again. At this point, we will regroup and figure out what's next for us. Right now, I realize this is a possibility, that nothing is guaranteed, but I'm still picturing us with a positive result and a baby nine months later!

I think that covers everything. Oh, I'll also be on Estrace for part of it, but I think that comes after transfer. My nurse has already called in all my meds, but they won't be delivered until closer to October. I feel so much peace now that we have a plan in hand and I know exactly which drugs I'll be on and how to do the shots. We're about 32 days away from starting injections, so it's really feeling real and close! I hope this next month flies by, because I'm ready to get started. I know that over the next couple of months, there will be lots of ups and downs, but I'm going to do my best to stay positive and be hopeful that in the end, we will be pregnant.

IVF Survival Kit

2011-09-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

As IVF approaches, I can already feel the tension and excitement both warring within me. Seriously. It's like one second I feel hopeless and defeated, wondering how on earth I will handle it if this doesn't end in a pregnancy. Then, the next second, I'm excited and feeling like this could really be it and I might really be pregnant for the first time! My mind can't even keep up with my heart at this point!

And yet, stress can't be good for me right now. I know that I need to find any way I can to bring happy things and positive thoughts into my life right now. AF started for me over the weekend (Yay! Finally), so I now have a tentative idea of when my stims will begin. I'm guessing I have about 34 days until I start stims, which should be right around October 8th, give or take a couple of days. I don't know the exact timeline yet, and I know you have to learn to be somewhat flexible since you never know how long stims will take or how your ovaries will respond, etc, but I'm guessing I should be finding out whether I am pregnant or not sometime close to Halloween! For this reason, I have already started decorating my house. I also bought pencils to write with and to fuel my Hello Kitty obsession, this super cute Halloween devil kitty. Everytime I look at a pumpkin or this Hello Kitty or write with one of my pencils, I smile and think that this is going to be the best Halloween ever! This is the Halloween where we find out we're going to be parents!!

I've also been working on something I call my IVF Survival Kit. Basically, I just went out and bought a big pink plastic storage tub and have decided to fill it with things that will make me happy and keep me occupied during the IVF process. As I filled it up tonight, I took some pictures of what's in it. I'm thinking I still might have a few items I want to add before October, but for now, I'm feeling great about what's in there. Here are the contents:

Books: I write YA fiction, and I have a TON of YA books that have been sitting in my house for far too long. I have been wanting to read these books for forever, but there hasn't been a lot of time for reading lately since I've been writing so much. Since I'm taking a break from writing during IVF, I thought I would use this time to catch up on some of the books I've most been wanting to read.

Meg Cabot's Jinx. The Candidates by Inara Scott. Wither by Lauren DeStefano. Sherrilyn Kenyon's Infinity. Andrea Cremer's Nightshade. And finally, the one non-young adult book on my list, Matters of the Heart by Danielle Steel.

Magazines: I have a huge stack of magazines that are just calling out for me to look through. I love to make collages and vision boards, so I bought some super blinged-out sparkly scissors to use to cut out some cool pictures or anything I find in the magazines that inspires me. I might make a baby collage or even try to find some inspiration pictures for my next YA series that starts later this year. My magazines are a mix of beauty mags and Home & Garden mags.

A Pregancy Journal: I bought this last week at the local Borders going out of business sale. It was half-off so only cost $11. I picked it up. Put it back. Then went back and picked it up again. Part of me was scared I would be jinxing myself by buying a pregnancy journal, but in the end I decided that starting to fill out the information at the beginning of the book (like my family tree and our wedding info and such) was a good idea and a way to think positive and look toward the future. Also, being obsessed with colorful pens, I bought some new gel pens at Staples so I can fill out my pregnancy journal in style... and color. The inside pages are super cute, too. All pink and plaid and paisley and dots. I love it. Also each section has tons of room to paste in pictures of your progression as your belly gets bigger. Very cute!

Sanrio/Hello Kitty: Yes, I know. It's a crazy obsession. But I love Hello Kitty! I love almost all things Sanrio, period. I'm putting my Hello Kitty couture lollipop in the survival kit that I got at The Sugar Factory in Las Vegas just a few months ago. Also, I went to this store called Five Below where everything is $5 or less and bought some Hello Kitty notebooks, trading cards, stickers, a lollipop ring, some mints and candies and a Chococat Beanie Baby. These things simply make me smile, and there's never enough of that to go around.

Entertainment Items: This is part of the whole keep-me-occupied idea. I'm thinking this will particularly come in handy during the 2 week wait after the Embryo Transfer. I have two puzzles, a Fable III game for Xbox that my sister gave me for my birthday and I've been dying to find time to play, and my entire collection of all six seasons of my favorite show in the universe - Sex and the City! I also have the first movie in there. I'm thinking I might watch a mega-marathon of the show (which always makes me happy) while putting together the puzzles.

A friend of mine was talking about lending me her True Blood DVD's so I figure if I need to watch something I haven't seen before, I can call her up. Also, I put a ton of stand-up comedy and romantic comedies on my Instant queue on Netflix, just in case.

Comfy PJ's and Misc.: From other blogs I've read, I need to be prepared to be bloated and slightly uncomfortable throughout this process. Both from the meds and from the multitude of follicles that will fill with fluid after Egg Retrieval. So, in an effort to be more comfy I bought some cute purple striped pj's that were on clearance at Target. I also got this cute, very plushy Hello Kitty sweatshirt since it will be starting to get cool by the end of October. Just for fun, I also bought a nice butterfly notebook where I plan to write daily affirmations and positive thoughts. I got shiny stickers to make my affirmations extra happy. And finally, I bought this cute skull and crossbones candle at Bath and Body Works that smells delicious! It's Halloween themed, of course, so it's perfect for helping me think positive thoughts about our Halloween-time Beta results.

I packed all of these things up in my big pink tub along with some dairy queen coupons (ice cream is always good comfort food) and lots of love and happy thoughts. I thought about asking my closest friends and family, the ones who know we're going through IVF, to write letters or cards I could put in my survival kit, but then I chickened out. I think I just got scared that if they didn't have time or didn't remember to do it, it would make me sad. And I don't want to feel sad right now. I just want to fill my box with things that make me smile. It makes me feel better just knowing it's down there in my living room, waiting with all those happy things inside that will help me through the tough times ahead.

Tomorrow morning is our IVF education class. We'll also hand over our final payment for the cycle. This is the last of our requirements in order to get on the official schedule and have our official plan of care drawn up! It's all starting to come together!! I have a huge list of questions, so I hope I don't annoy them, haha. I'm nervous about it, but also excited to be learning more and really getting close to starting the meds. I'm so hopeful this is going to work. Please, God, let IVF be the miracle we've been praying for.

My Body, The Betrayer

2011-09-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

I want to trust my body. I really do. I wish that I could be one of those women who understood her body and trusted that it was going to do what I expected it to. Instead, I feel like I've been at war with my body for the past 14 years. Infertility is just another one of those things that sometimes makes me wish I could trade bodies with someone else.

Here we are, one month away from starting stims for our first round of IVF, and my period is two days late. That could be a good thing, right? I mean, at least five people have told me happy little stories about their friends or family or whoever who got pregnant right before they started IVF. "I think it's because they were focused on IVF and not thinking about timing and they were just relaxed!" one friend says to me. You know what I say? Bullshit. Honestly, anyone who thinks a woman that is one month away from IVF is 'relaxed' is delusional. No matter how much I try to trust the process and believe that I'm going to get pregnant and all will be well, my brain is crowded with doubts and I'm pretty much never relaxed. AT ALL.

Anyway, back to the late period. According to fertility friend, I ovulated on day 18 of my cycle, which also happened to be the 18th of August. My average luteal phase is 12 days, so I should have started AF yesterday at the latest. In all my 13 months of charting, I have NEVER still had a high temperature at 13 DPO. Usually, I see my temp fall around 10DPO and then AF shows up the day after or 12DPO at the latest. Currently, I'm 14 DPO with a high temperature still this morning.

But I'm not pregnant.

Trust me. I've taken 3 FRER's (starting 11DPO), a dollar store test, and this morning, a clearblue digital. All BFN's. I just don't see any way that those tests wouldn't be picking anything up by now. There's no chance. This is just another way my body seems to betray me by not wanting to follow any patterns. Granted, I made a lot of changes this past month. My diet changed. I started acupuncture. I had that saline u/s with the bubbles. I've been exercising 5-6 times a week. I'm guessing all that combined has thrown my body into some kind of weird holding pattern. It sucks because I've done all those things trying to get healthy. Not trying to screw things up even more as far as my cycle goes.

What sucks most about that is I had it all planned out in my little head that we would be starting stims now on the first of October. Maybe as late as October 3rd or 4th. Now, with AF being late, I feel like things are even more up in the air than ever. I don't know when my period is going to start. I don't know how long next month's cycle will last. And therefore, I don't know when my IVF cycle will begin. Some random date in October, I guess. It's so frustrating.

I'm going to go lay down with my fertility meditation CD playing and try to find a place of calm and comfort.

Timeline

2011-08-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting for my exact 'plan of care' from my fertility clinic. However, I did get a sheet labeled "Visit schedule for the routine IVF patient". Of course, now I'm obsessing over this, lol. I think as the date approaches, I'm feeling more and more out of control. I know that there's very little that's in my hands right now. At least with regular baby-making, you get to have intercourse! With IVF, I'm feeling a bit powerless in a lot of ways, so I think I'm concentrating on the details that seem concrete.

Anyway, please humor me as I obsess over the timeline.

Originally, I was told I would be on at least 10 days of birth control pills. In my mind, I've been preparing for a certain timeline that includes getting AF (aunt flo) around October 2nd, then starting about 2 weeks of bcp before we start injections. Then, yesterday, I heard from my nurse that no, she was pretty sure I would NOT be on bcp. Some part of me freaked out, because no birth control pills means the entire IVF timeline gets pushed up by 2 weeks. On one hand, it's incredibly exciting. On the other, it's also scary! Nurse C is running our IVF education class next Tuesday, so I will find out more for sure at that point. I guess it seems silly after all this time to be concerned about a two week difference, but I am! I want to know whether to expect a mid-October transfer or an early November transfer. In my head, it makes a big difference!

The other part of the timeline that's concerning me is the after-care. The sheet I have says '1st pregnancy test blood draw - 14 days after transfer'. Ugh. After reading all these blogs, I know that most clinics do a 9 or 10 day wait. I had already been excited about the fact that I wouldn't have to go through another full two weeks after IVF to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I have no idea why they wait 14 days! The embryo is already 3-5 days old when the transfer occurs, so right now, it just seems too long. And I really didn't want to take a home pregnancy test.

THEN, the excruciating part is that it also says the first pregnancy ultrasound isn't until 1 month after the first positive pregnancy test. WHAT??! Even normal, healthy pregnancies usually come in for their first u/s at six weeks! Why would you have to wait until you're 8 weeks along with IVF? Last night, I seriously went through every blog that I follow of women who have gone through IVF this year and gotten pregnant. And every single one of them had their first u/s at only 6 weeks. My thought about this is that if there's not really a living baby in there, I would rather know at 6 weeks than have to live through another 2 weeks worrying about whether everything is okay in there. If I have to wait a full month after the positive test and then I get in there and find out there's not a baby in the sac or there's no heartbeat? I'll freak out. It's just like prolonging the worry. I know myself well enough to know that I won't be able to settle into really believing I'm pregnant until I see that baby on the screen and know that everything is okay. This is the part of the timeline that worries me most. I seriously do not want to have to wait until 8 weeks for the ultrasound.

Okay, Sarra, take a deep breath! Next week, we have our education class. It will be an opportunity to ask questions and hopefully get some definitive answers. I'm praying with all my heart that they are willing to alter their normal timeline and will agree to do that first u/s at 6 weeks. I can handle the 14 day wait until the pregnancy test, but the u/s wait will be awful. Please, please, please let them be willing to push that up!

On a good note, the timeline moving up means that if I do get pregnant, I will officially be into the second trimester by the time we go home for Christmas! That would definitely make me very happy! Also, I might actually find out if I'm pregnant by Halloween, hehe. And I love Halloween.

BFN

2011-08-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

11DPO today. I wasn't going to test early, but then I wanted to know. I had to know, lol. I went out to the grocery store at midnight last night to buy a double-pack of FRER (first response early result) home pregnancy tests. This morning, it was the first thought on my mind when I popped out of bed. My temps were still high, so I thought there was some hope. You hear all these stories about couples who surprise conceive just before they start IVF, so I have to admit, there was hope there.

I took the test first thing this morning. BFN. Big Fat Negative. As always. Yes, I realize 11 days past ovulation is still early, but I usually only have a 12 day luteal phase, so I'm only at most 2 days before AF. I don't think it's too early for a positive to show on an early results test. I'm just not pregnant.

Technically, there's still one more cycle between now and our IVF cycle. However, I'll be at the beach during my fertile window, so I don't really consider it a ttc cycle. There might be a day or two we can see each other, it just depends on how my cycle progresses next month. If it's meant to be, it will be. My eyes are turning toward the IVF though now. I'm definitely feeling like it's going to happen and we're so close. Just one month away. I need to turn my eyes away from the disappointment of so many months of negative pregnancy tests and just be positive and hopeful that IVF will be the miracle we've been hoping for.

What A Difference...

2011-08-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's so funny how a friend's pregnancy news can affect me so differently based on 1) Who it is getting pregnant and 2) How the situation is handled. I recently wrote about a friend of mine who, even though she knows about our struggle with infertility, still sent me pictures of her positive tests and said how "proud" her husband was for getting her pregnant their first try. Even more than a week and a half later, I haven't been able to see her or talk to her. I still get a bad taste in my mouth when I think about that word. Proud. Does that mean I should be ashamed for not being able to get pregnant after all this time? Anyway, that pregnancy announcement rattled me to my core and made me depressed for days.

Now, however, I have another friend's announcement, and it fills me with nothing but joy and hope! The news comes from a dear friend of mine on the internet. About a year ago, I joined Baby Center's forums to learn more about the process of trying to have a baby and to seek support from other women going through a similar phase in life. Never in a million years did I expect to make such amazing friends. Through one thread, seven of us ladies all connected and it was like meeting soul mates, in a way. Most of us were "advanced age" haha, and liked to joke about how being over 32 made you old when it comes to TTC. Some of the ladies in the group are younger, (late twenties), but mature and together, we all just clicked. I like to think it was fate. These ladies have become my daily best friends. Almost a single day doesn't go by when we check in together and say hello. We mourn each other's losses and heartaches, and we celebrate the good times together too.

Well, after more than a year of trying, another one of these dear friends from baby center is pregnant. When I read her news yesterday, there wasn't an ounce of bitterness or jealousy. There was only joy, hope and happiness. There were tears, but they were happy tears. I celebrated with her even though I've technically never even 'met' her.

What a difference between this announcement and the last, huh? It's crazy. Today, I started thinking about why one friend's pregnancy was so hard and the other so happy. There are many reasons why the announcements were so different for me, and since I like lists, I figured I'll bullet point them:

While I do wish that everyone in the world could get pregnant on their first try, ( I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone!), when you're struggling with infertility, it's not easy to hear that someone got there so incredibly easily. With my local friend, it was hard to hear that it worked her first try, so it's harder to celebrate. With my BBC friend (BBC = Baby Center), I've been there with her for a year, and I know how important this is to her and how much she wants this.
My local friend pretty much rubbed her success in my face. She didn't have any sympathy for me or the heartache I've been going through. That was tough and made me cry. My BBC friend, however, started her pregnancy post talking about where we all are in our journey and encouraging those of us who aren't yet pregnant and reassuring us that we are on the right track for our own little miracle. I reacted differently because the announcements were handled differently. What makes me saddest about that is the friend I only know online and who has never spent a day with me in her life was more caring and empathetic than a friend I've known for years who spends time with me on a weekly basis.
It's possible that my local friend's news hit me harder because I know I'll have to actually watch her transition from not pregnant to pregnant. I'll be invited to baby showers and have to act happy. I'll have to sit through dinners and be excited about all their happy baby talk. But, when I think about it, I'll still be following my BBC friend through her journey as well, and that doesn't bother me in the slightest. Still, I guess seeing in person and seeing online are two different things.
Finally, I think there was a degree of flippancy in the announcement of my local friend. It was like Boo-Ya! Look at me, pregnant. Ha! I'm bad, I'm bad, I know it. Uh-huh. In Yo Face! There's no deep appreciation for the creation of a new life and the process involved. But with my BBC friend, there's such gratefulness. I know that she feels the full extent of the happiness of her BFP (big fat positive). She appreciates it. It deeply affects her life, and I think that makes me feel instantly wonderful about her pregnancy because I know I will feel the same way.

Anyway, those are the reasons I think it affected me so differently when I heard the news from both of my friends. I'm an analyzer about these things, so of course, I had to analyze it. It's how I get to know myself better and understand myself better (which sounds totally cheesy, but it's true!). I tend to be really hard on myself, so the more I can understand why I react a certain way, the more lenient I can be on myself at times when I'm feeling down. Does that make sense?

I am truly, deep-down happy for my BBC friend, who is now officially pregnant after more than a year of TTC. I keep wondering what that must feel like? To actually see those double lines on a home pregnancy test and to know there's a baby growing inside of you? Just over a month now until we officially start our IVF cycle, so maybe it won't be long before I know that feeling for myself.

My First Blog Award!

2011-08-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

I know, it's sometimes the little things in life that can make us smile. Like getting your first blogging award or a new follower. Or comments!! Thank you so much to Waiting and Wishing for awarding me the "Virtual Hugger" award. I would give it right back to you, too, because your comments have been so sweet and amazing.

Here are 3 reasons why I love comments:

It lets me know that I am not alone out here. There are other women all over the globe experiencing miracles and heartbreak both, but we are in this together and we are here to support each other. I love to know someone is listening and someone cares enough to leave a comment and let me know I'm not completely crazy. :)
Sometimes, comments open my eyes to a new way of looking at things. Maybe there's a side to the story or situation I hadn't thought of yet. I like having the expertise of fellow friends and bloggers available to me through comments.
They just plain make me feel better. When I'm having a bad day or feeling really emotional, your comments make me feel loved and supported. It really means a lot to me!

Now, as part of the rules, I'm supposed to pass this award on to 10 of my top commenters... Um. The only problem with that is I don't really have 10 people who comment and/or read my blog, haha. However, there are some really special people I would love to give a shout-out to. You may have already received the award from another blogger, so no pressure to re-do your virtual hugger post, but I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your comments!

Here are the official rules:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you, and link back.

2. Give three reasons why you LOVE comments.

3. Award your top ten commenters, and let them know about it.

And the awards go to.....

Diana at Bun(less) in the Oven
LC at Still Dreaming (I know you already got it, but you deserve it twice!)
K at A Cup of Tea
LisaL at TTC Fatty
Kristen at Buck Up, Buttercup
I would give one to my Mom too, but she doesn't have a blog, haha. Thanks Mom for reading and commenting and always supporting me. I love you!

And thank you to all you wonderful ladies who comment on my blog and help me keep my spirits up. And thanks for blogging your own stories. You're an inspiration to me, every one of you.

Relax

2011-08-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

One of life's biggest challenges is learning to keep a positive attitude even through the hard times. I was talking to my mom on the phone last night and we were talking about how people rarely know the right thing to say when someone they know is going through a hard time. In fact, I think some people get so nervous about what to say, they often end up saying the exact WRONG thing. There are some people in this world who are just not empathetic. They can't put themselves in your shoes and try to understand what's going on with you, so therefore, their comments often become insensitive.

With infertility, how many times have people said, "Just relax. You're trying too hard! If you just relax, you'll get pregnant in no time!" Oh really? Gosh, why didn't I think of that??? You've solved everything for me! Relax! Miraculous! I'm sure that if I relax, my PCOS will disappear and my eggs will suddenly magically become more mature and I will start to ovulate on day 14 of every cycle. Right?? With Cancer, people tell you to keep a positive attitude and that the power of positive thinking will save you. Really? YOU try having cancer and being positive all the time. My mother was saying that when her older brother died in a terrible car accident, someone actually came up to my grandmother and said "Well, at least you have five other children." WHAT? Like having five other children somehow makes the one that's gone just a throwaway? Losing a child can't be easy. It's devastating. Just because you have five more does NOT mean you won't care about losing another. And your first born son. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say!

Of the above mentioned things, I have luckily never lost a child or been diagnosed with cancer, but I am battling infertility. So often, the people who aren't going through it simply can't understand what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant. They don't understand what it's like to go in to a doctor's office ten times in your cycle to get poked and prodded. You think going to a yearly gyn. appointment and having a pap smear is bad? Try going in five times this week and having to pee in a cup, give blood and strip down to nothing so the nurse can stick the ultrasound wand in your hoo-ha and check (again) to see if there is any hope for this month. It's degrading and difficult. And what about having to explain to all the different doctors about your lifestyle choices, your sex life, past traumas, cervical mucus, your bowel movements, everything. It's not a fun conversation to have over and over and over. And to be honest, that's just the very BEGINNING of infertility treatment options. Now that we're moving on to IVF, everything gets ten times more invasive and difficult.

So to say that all you have to do is 'relax' is pretty much like a slap in the face. No. It's not just about relaxing. It's about real medical issues that are serious and heartbreaking. It's about very precise timing and complex dosages of very expensive medicines. There is so much that needs to be done from dietary changes to losing weight to shots to blood draws to ovary checks to egg retrievals, and the list goes on and on. Let's see YOU go through that and then you tell me how easy it is to just relax.

I know I'm preaching to the choir here because anyone reading this blog is either battling infertility or is being incredibly supportive of my journey. I just needed to get it out, so thanks for listening.

Un-Crosshairs, Acupuncture, and Good News

2011-08-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

So, I have a variety of things I wanted to talk about today. I'll start with the weird/bad news first. Well, it's not necessarily bad, but it's disappointing. This morning, my temperature dropped low. 97.27. I was so excited to get crosshairs yesterday on fertility friend, but when I put in my temp this morning, my crosshairs disappeared. Very disappointing indeed. :( I know they say you can't base anything on one day's temps, but still, it's odd. This has never happened to me before. Does this mean I still haven't ovulated? I got the positive OPK's though, and the EWCM to indiciate it last week, though, so I really thought I did. Implantation usually doesn't occur until 7-10 days after ovulation, so it's way too early for an implantation dip. I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens to my temperatures then, but it's not necessarily looking so good for this cycle right now.

On a good note, however, I am meeting with my new acupuncturist today! After the bad experience with acupuncturist #1, I'm a little bit leery, but also cautiously optimistic. This doctor was recommended by my therapist and is known to be one of the best in the area. Unfortunately, he's also one of the most expensive, but it's all going to work out (more on this in the good news section below!). I have printed out all my fertility friend charts for him, and Friday I went to our clinic and got copies of my husband's SA and also all the follicle information from my Clomid cycles, etc. He will have lots of information to look at! He told me on the phone he loves working with infertility patients and has had a lot of success with IVF patients, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will make all the difference for us. This first consult with him is two hours long and costs $170. I'll know more later about how many sessions I'll do with him and how often, plus I think he's going to special mix some chinese herbs and powders for me to drink. I've heard bad things about taste, haha, but I'll try anything! His sessions after today will be $85 each. I do wonder how this stacks up with acupuncture costs in other areas in the country. Too bad it's not covered by my insurance! All told, we'll probably spend more than $1500 with him I'm guessing.

But now on to the good news!! Our clinic requires us to do a consult with the financial coordinator. I did this back in April when we first starting thinking about IVF and back then, she told me the embryologist was out of network for our insurance and would have to be paid up front. $4778 out of pocket two weeks before our cycle. After the cycle is complete, we could then file it with insurance (which then takes another 2 months or so to get paid). I know we're already extremely lucky to have such amazing fertility coverage. The company my husband works for was ranked in the top companies for fertility benefits and we have a lifetime max of $23,000 coverage. This was one of the deciding factors for us in moving on to IVF. We figured we might as well get the best chance of conception while we still have money left in insurance.

Anyway, I emailed the financial coordinator last night to ask if the charges would still be the same and she said, no, they have changed. I braced myself for the price hike, but it wasn't! Instead, now the embryologist is IN NETWORK! That means they can bill insurance directly with no out of pocket expense for us!! Yippee!! We will only have to pay for SA and freeze ($650), embryo freeze if needed ($400), anesthesia and facility fee ($1759) and medications (unsure how much we'll owe here, but I'm thinking less than $1000 copay). The only parts of that which won't be reimbursed are the embryo freeze and the meds, so we are in good shape! That's basically #3000 less that we'll have to pay up front! Now, that gives us more wiggle room to pay the high price of the new acupuncturist. See how it all works out!!

Everyday, I feel so thankful that we have this insurance that is going to help us bring our baby (babies?) into the world. Without it, we would be struggling for sure. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful.

Crosshairs!

2011-08-21T09:09:00.000-07:00

I always get so excited to see the crosshairs on fertility friend, haha. As far as my temperature goes, it looks like I'm ovulating, which is more than I can say for a year ago. Yay for metformin and exercise and better diet! My temps never look smooth like some people's do, but I blame my erratic sleep schedule for that. We go to bed so late and on the weekends, it's even worse, so it's hard to get consistent readings. Still, it's super exciting when the crosshairs show up and say, yay, you ovulated!

In some ways, I feel like this is our best shot at getting pregnant before the IVF. It may be our last shot, depending on when I O next cycle. I have a beach writing retreat planned with some writing friends and it's 3 hours away. I think the week I'm gone will be the week I O (and toward the end of the week too, which makes it impossible). So, it might be a break next month, then on to bcp and injections for IVF. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that was really hoping I would get pregnant this cycle so we didn't have to go through with the IVF.

I've heard so many stories about people saying, "Oh, we were going to do IVF, but then we got pregnant the cycle before!" 3 people I know have this story, which is a miracle and very happy, but will it be my story? Between the exercise, the eating right, the little bit of acupuncture, and the saline with bubbles that went through my tubes and potentially cleared out any gunk or mucus, why couldn't this be it for us? I'm 3 DPO (days past ovulation) today, so we'll know in less than 10.

Anyway, just got excited to see the crosshairs and know that I did ovulate this month!

My Ovulation Chart

How To Deal...

2011-08-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling very positive this week, so naturally, it was time for something to happen that will test my emotional well-being. I hate to write about other people on here because I realize they might someday read my blog and get the wrong idea. On the other hand, I created this blog as a place where I could go to journal about my feelings throughout this process. Something happened yesterday that I feel I need to talk through. Partly because it's hard for me to deal with or stop thinking about. And partly because I think it's something any woman going through infertility has to deal with several times throughout their journey toward having a child of their own.

There is one couple that is our closest couple friends, if that makes sense. The husband is my husband's best friend from college and they are very close. When I met his wife a couple years ago, we hit it off right away. We're a lot alike and they are both a lot of fun to be around. George and I have other close friends, but no other couple that we both get along so well with. Anyway, they recently moved back to our area and we spend time with them a lot. They just bought an amazing house that is probably three times more expensive than our place, which already makes me feel kind of... less, which I know is petty but completely honest.

Anyway, I knew they had talked about possibly having kids soon, but the last time we talked, she was on birth control. I wasn't emotionally prepared for the picture text message last night with two positive pregnancy tests. I'm definitely happy for them. Of course I am. They are our good friends, and I want them to be happy and I want to be excited for them. But at the same time, it's difficult. After texts of congratulations, she tells me this was their first cycle trying and how proud her husband is of that. I pretty much fell apart. Well, I excused myself to the bathroom and then fell apart.

I couldn't help but have these thoughts about how I've taken that feeling of pride away from my husband. He can never feel like that because I'm defective. After 13 cycles of trying to conceive, we're still not pregnant. And I am completely aware of the fact that many couples who struggle with infertility have been trying for far longer than 13 cycles. However, I've carried this fear around inside of me for 14 years. Ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS and that doctor told me I might never be able to have children, I have been terrified that I would never be able to get pregnant. It's taken me years to find the right man to even start trying or to get into a position where we were able to try. And I've found that my worst fears are coming true. There's a constant doubt that runs in my head. Will I ever be able to get pregnant?

So when someone close to me gets pregnant, it's a reminder that I am not. I am still trying to learn how to deal with the pain of watching others get pregnant and have their babies while I'm dealing with infertility. How do I deal with the fact that one of my best friends got pregnant in one cycle and has already announced it to everyone when she's only 4 weeks along? I will never have the luxury of casually taking a pregnancy test and not feeling desperate about the results. I will never be able to happily announce a pregnancy at only 4 weeks, because the risk of miscarriage is way too high for that to be a good idea.

I know that what I'm feeling has nothing to do with my friend or the other women in my life who are pregnant. I would never want to take away from their happiness. It's all my own issues. My own worries and fears. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

What I should be thinking is how much fun it will be to both be pregnant together. I should be thinking about how great it will be that our best friends are also going to have a baby around the same time. We can enjoy days at the park together or baby dates and such. It'll be great, right? Instead, my mind goes to the fear. I think about the potential for heartbreak. I think about how I am going to prepare myself for a baby shower or dinners together if IVF fails. How am I going to deal with that? Or what will I feel if April comes and we go to the hospital to support them and meet their new baby, but I'm still not pregnant? I know I shouldn't let my mind go there, but I feel in some ways that I have to protect myself. I have to prepare myself. It's complicated and if you've never experienced infertility, I don't think you can really understand it.

So, my friends in the blogosphere? How do you deal with close friends or family who are pregnant? How do you act normal around them even when you're hurting? How do you find a way to let your happiness for them overrule your disappointment in your own situation?

Talk With My Nurse

2011-08-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

I had a good long talk with my nurse today. She's so incredibly sweet and personable, so it makes me happy to know she is with me on this journey. She answered all my questions about the egg retrieval and the protocol. She said technically the protocol is an antagon protocol, but it's customized for my situation. I'll be on bcp for 2 weeks actually, then will start the micro-hcg and the stims, then also will add something to keep the maturing eggs from ovulating while the others catch up. She said I will probably stim for about 10 days, depending on how the eggs are maturing. Then, when I have lots of good follies ready, they will give me the trigger shot to do at a specific time at home. Then, we'll come in for the egg retrieval.

I asked her whether I would be knocked out for the retrieval and she said yes, but that it's very light. She said it only lasts about 10-15 minutes and I won't feel anything from the retrieval. Also, she said someone will call frequently to update me on the embryos and how they are doing, etc. She made me feel like we are going to be in really good hands here. She said there is always a nurse on call 24/7 and if I ever have any questions or concerns, I can call anytime day or night.

As for whether we will need ICSI (which is where the embryologist actually injects a single sperm into the egg), she said we will have to wait and see. The embryologist will decide whether it's needed once he/she has the eggs and the sperm sample. She said sometimes what they do is half ICSI, half natural just to get more information about the eggs so they will be armed with more knowledge in case the first IVF doesn't work. As for PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis), they will not be doing that for us since there is no indication of a genetic defect and no history of miscarriage.

I am starting to get a really good feeling deep down inside. This could really work for us! I might really be pregnant by the end of October/early November!! It's very exciting! I am in such good, capable hands and the clinic is very confident that this will work for us. I hope to keep this happy feeling in my heart throughout the process. It's still about 7 weeks away from starting, but I know it will go by so quickly and before I know it, I'll be starting birth control pills!

What To Do During the 2WW

2011-08-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am already thinking ahead to what to expect during the month of our IVF cycle. I want to be as emotionally prepared as possible. The first part is the medicated part. I'm definitely worried about the hormones and the roller coaster ups and downs of the different stims and the level checks and worrying about how many follicles are growing, etc. I know it will be tough, but there will be a lot of action. Lots of doctor appointments and checkups and shots and things like that. The part I'm most concerned about is the two-week-wait (2WW). Waiting for the pregnancy beta tests after the embryo transfer.

I am trying to come up with a list of things to do throughout the entire cycle, but especially during the hardest time of seemingly endless waiting. Since I don't have a regular job, I'll be home all day every day by myself. That's a lot of time, and I don't want to spend it obsessing over forums about pregnancy symptoms, etc. What I'm wondering is how much will I be able to do after the transfer? Will I be on bed rest? I'm sure I'll want to take it easy for a few days after the ET (embryo transfer), but what about the rest of the 2WW? If anyone reading the blog has been through IVF and has any advice or knowledge of how long to rest and what the restrictions might be, please comment and let me know.

I feel like I have tons of questions. Like can I work out? What about taking a trip to the mountains or something? Is there any danger in riding in a car for several hours? I want to find a balance between being careful and being too careful. I don't want to live in terror for 2 weeks that I'll do something that could potentially harm the embryos or keep them from implanting. I know it sounds silly, because people get pregnant all the time and go about their normal lives and activities for weeks or even months before they know they are even pregnant. /sigh. Still, IVF is a bit different and more delicate. I just want to do the right thing.

And, most importantly, I want to learn to manage any stress that might come up. Part of that for me is going to be finding ways to occupy my mind during the worst of the rollercoaster and during the 2WW. Here's what I have in mind so far:

Fable III - My sister gave me this game for my XBOX 360 for my birthday earlier this year, but I haven't had any time to play. Games are always a good way to distract me from worry or anything, because I can lose myself in it, but sitting on the couch is also pretty much bed rest anyway.
Everquest II - Another game. This is an MMORPG that my husband and I play together. We actually met playing this game. We quit for a while but have gotten back into it, so I might spend more time playing during the 2WW.
Reading - I have a huge stack of books to read. If I can find one or two that really occupy my mind, that would be awesome.
Sex and the City Marathon - My favorite show EVER and even though I've seen every episode at least 3 or 4 times, I haven't seen them in years. I might go back and put on a marathon of the DVD's.
Puzzles - My father-in-law brought by about eight puzzles for me to do because sometimes I like to work on them while I'm plotting my novels. I have only done one of them, so I could set up a table in front of the TV and do puzzles while watching TV or movies or SATC.

So far, those are my best at-home ideas. We are also throwing around the idea of taking some days off and either going to the beach or to the mountains. Both are relatively short drives away, but the beach is closer. Also, since the 2WW will probably be in early November, the beach will be much cheaper. It will be too cold to go swimming obviously, but we could still maybe walk along the beach and sit up on the balcony or wherever and enjoy the sound of the ocean. The ocean always calms me and makes me feel better, so it's definitely an option. We can't book anything ahead of time, because there's no way of knowing exactly when the transfer will be or what might have to change along the way. Still, that time of year, it shouldn't be hard to book it last minute if we need to get away.

I'm hoping time passes quickly and before we even know it, we're getting a positive beta result! Still, I want to be armed with lots of ways to pass the time that can totally get me out of my own head for a while if I need it. If anyone else has any fun suggestions, let me know!

Decisions and Week 1

2011-08-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long emotional week! The good news is that no matter how upset I got, I didn't turn to bad food to make me feel better. This is a HUGE step for me! I also lost 7 pounds!!!!!! For one week, that's insane. And yes, I know it isn't healthy to lose 7 pounds a week every week, but it was a good boost for me. I actually walked into Zumba class today and the instructor yelled out, "Sarra! Whatever you're doing girl, it's workin'!" Hehe. Made me blush. I didn't even work out 100% this week AND I was bloated after the saline u/s, so overall, I'm feeling great about the diet.

This week, I've decided to start adding in a few things. I want to add in some lean protein like chicken and beans, maybe some eggs. I also want to add in some dairy. I'm thinking the occasional greek yogurt, but still no cheese since it's so calorie dense. I want to add things in gradually so I don't get tempted to go crazy with calories. I think I'll also stay away from grains, except maybe some Ezekiel bread, which is made from sprouted grains. I'm excited, because I feel like I've done a lot this week to break my bad habits with food. Now, I just need to stick with it.

George and I also made a big decision as far as our TTC journey. After pretty much talking about it all week, we've come to the decision that we are going to go ahead with our plans for an October IVF cycle. We are already emotionally and financially prepared for it, so why change our plans now when everything is set and ready to go? Also, with the 60% chance of success, it's by far our best bet for having a baby. I feel good about the decision. The only thing standing in our way right now is my book writing, so I better get on it!

Our IVF protocol includes the drugs Microdose Ovidrel, Gonal F, and Follistim. No lupron or anything like that. I'll also be on 10 days of birth control at the beginning. I am looking forward to learning more about the protocol and how it will all work. I'm not looking forward to all the shots, haha, but I am looking forward to the best chance ever of seeing that BFP!

My focus over the next seven weeks is my attitude. Everything else is in place for success. I've been working out, eating right, getting good sleep, taking my metformin and prenatal vitamins, taking extra vitamin D to get my levels back up to normal. I'm putting my best foot forward. However, I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. I'm overthinking things and worrying way too much. It's time I found some positivity. I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday and I told her I didn't want to get my hopes up. She said, Just get your hopes up, Sarra. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just let go of all these reservations and just get my hopes up and believe that IVF is going to work for us.

IUI vs. IVF

2011-08-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough week already and it's only Wednesday. I'm still having some pain and cramping from the saline ultrasound yesterday, and I know it's all my fault because I'm the one who asked for the bubbles! Last time I had the saline u/s, I didn't have much pain at all. And it seems I've only confused and stressed myself out by even bringing the possibility of another IUI to the table.

Here's what's going on in my head. It's like a ping pong game, haha. I'm trying to weigh the benefits of IUI first before we move forward with IVF and also thinking about timing.

Benefits of the IUI first:

Much less invasive to just do another Clomid w/ IUI, which I've been through before.
Much less expensive than IVF, which would help us buy lots of cute baby things!
A little less chance of multiples.
Conception would take place inside my body rather than in a lab and this might be ultimately better for our baby.
Feeling like we did everything we possibly could before moving on to the more invasive IVF.

Those are my initial feelings on the benefits. Here are the drawbacks:

Only 10% chance of it working as opposed to a 60% chance with IVF.
We've done it twice already and it didn't work, so would I just be setting myself up for more disappointment?
Timing. We don't really have the chance to pursue a fertility treatment until October because of my writing. That would mean IUI in October if we decide to do it, which pushes IVF back to November or even possibly as late as January depending on how well my ovaries recover from the clomid. If we push IVF back to Jan or Feb, I might have to redo the saline ultrasound and the bloodwork. Again.
If it works, obviously there is no drawback, but if it doesn't work, I wonder if the disappointment will hurt my chances of going into IVF with a positive outlook.
Using part of our insurance benefits for a procedure less likely to work, which could mean more out of pocket expense for the IVF round.

I just go back and forth with so many thoughts and doubts. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me which way is the right way. If someone would just tell me what will work! Of course, I would much rather we be able to create our child as naturally as possible. Since it's such a low chance of that ever happening just with timed intercourse, IUI would be the next best thing. Still, with only 10% success rate and already 2 failed IUI's, IVF really does seem to be the best chance we have. When we're holding our little baby in our arms, will it matter that they were created in a lab? I mean, the embryo is only outside of my body for a few days. After that, the baby actually grows and takes shape and develops inside my body.

TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster! How are we supposed to deal with all this information and decide what is best for us and our family? George of course wants me to do whatever I want or think is best. He's definitely on board, but is not exactly in decision mode. My therapist thinks I should follow my instincts, but her two cents is that I've emotionally prepared myself already for IVF in October and that might be best for me. Then, if IVF is not successful, we can always do an IUI next instead of IVF again. It will still be our choice. She definitely has a point.

Here's the other thing about the timing. If I get pregnant in October, I would be about 11 weeks pregnant when we go to visit my family back home in Georgia for Christmas. (give or take a week depending on how the timing works out) In my mind, I just have this incredibly happy thought of how amazing it would be to announce our pregnancy to everyone at Christmas. I also think that if it doesn't work, I'd have at least a couple months to deal with it emotionally before I had to go visit family with all their babies and pregnant bellies and kids and such. If we do IUI in October, I still might have that successful pregnancy story, but it's 50% less likely. Then, if that pushes IVF back to November, it puts me in a tougher situation during the holidays. If successful, the pregnancy would be really new and more fragile in the first trimester. I wouldn't be ready to announce it, but I might also have a hard time keeping it a secret (and my belly might show a little since IVF can make you bloated, lol). Also, if it didn't work, it would be really raw coming out of a failed IUI and IVF both and having to be smiling and around family and babies and such.

See where my mind is right now? I know I'm repeating some of what I said yesterday, but I'm just trying to work it out in my head. I don't even know what my gut feeling is right now. I'm just trying to work it all out. In the meantime, I'm supposed to be writing the final book in my YA series, lol. Needless to say, that's not getting done right now. Ugh. I am hoping once I make a decision and feel good about it, the writing will flow again like it needs to. I need to learn to give myself some time and space and get out of the stress zone.

Saline Ultrasound Results

2011-08-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

Today was my saline ultrasound plus bubbles, and let me tell you, the bubbles added PAIN. I remember the last saline ultrasound not being so bad. I mean, of course it's not the most comfortable thing in the world and it hurt while it was going on, but it was fast. This time, since I was the genius who wanted to get a look at my tubes, he added the bubbles and then spent a heck of a lot more time in there (even adding more saline) showing me exactly what was happening.

Here's the basics. My uterus and my tubes are both totally clear. No problems at all. Yay! Er.... wait a second. If my bloodwork is fine, my uterus and my tubes are clear and healthy, then why the heck am I not getting pregnant? Suddenly, all these emotions just slammed into me. Where is the real obstacle? What's going wrong? And if the tubes are clear of any scar tissue, is IVF really the right next step? Did we try hard enough with the IUI's?

When the doctor was done and I had to get up, I got woozy because this time there was blood. Also, this sharp pain shot up my right shoulder and I felt like I could hardly breathe. Gas from the bubbles? I'm guessing that had to be it. I toughed it out and went to the consult with the doctor. He asked what we want our next step to be. I expressed my doubts about why the previous 2 IUI's didn't work and he basically said it's never a guarantee and if we wanted to do one more IUI w/ Clomid before we move on to IVF, we can.

Wow, after all the confusion of the last week and all the emotions, that just really hit me hard. How do I know what the right thing is to do now? George doesn't want me to do IUI and Clomid next cycle because I'm working on my fifth book and my plan was to finish it and get it published before I moved on with any more fertility treatments. Basically, he thinks there's no way I'll finish this book in time if I'm also doing an IUI. So, his suggestion is to substitute the IUI for the IVF in October's cycle. Give it a chance and if it doesn't work, move on to IVF in November.

But then I look at the calendar and just don't see how this is going to work. Let's say we do the IVF in November and it works. That would mean a 16 hour drive to NJ to visit George's family in early December when I'm only a few weeks pregnant. Then, another 8 hour drive there and back to Georgia to visit my family for Christmas. All that driving and traveling in the first trimester of a PCOS pregnancy, which is already high-risk for miscarriage? I'm just not sure that's the best idea. Of course, if IVF doesn't work, I'll be a mess the entire holidays and having to be around people and their kids isn't going to be fun either.

Of course, George then says that maybe we should just wait and do IVF next year. And this is how it happens. Things always getting pushed back and never working out the way I think they will. I feel like such a mess right now. I would much rather do the IUI and have it work without having to go through the injections and emotional rollercoaster of IVF, but we've already done two with no luck. Who is to say this time could be any different?

So, the saline ultrasound answered some questions and brought up a heck of a lot more than I was ready to deal with. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a conversation with your spouse that decides you're ready to start a family and then a few months later, you're pregnant just from having sex and being a normal couple. That must be the best feeling in the world.

Too Much Information

2011-08-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

I think I'm suffering from information overload. Either that or too much change all at once. With IVF coming up, I feel this rush and this pressure to make all these changes I haven't been able to make over the last several years. Things like diet and exercise and getting my head on straight.

On one hand, it's great that I'm finding the motivation finally to make some changes. I've been following this fruit and veggie fast for four days now and am doing great. I wouldn't have been able to do that a year ago. No way. I've also been religiously going to the gym three times a week to work out. I'm excited to see these changes.

On the other hand, I'm reading a lot and talking to a lot of people and finding out that I'm still so incredibly far away from where I need to be. This is the most frustrating feeling for me right now. Yes, I'm going to the gym 3 times a week, but the books I'm reading say that for PCOS, I should be working out at least 30 minutes a day, 7 days a week. Yikes! I'm doing good, but it's STILL not enough. I'm eating this fruit and veggie fast and finally getting rid of my dependency on sugars and fried foods, but when I went to acupuncture today, he gave me a lecture about that not being good for PCOS and how I need to be eating protein with every meal and it needs to be chicken or beans and how whey protein isn't good enough, etc etc.

Then, he goes into this whole speech about how I must not love myself enough to eat the right things and that's the reason food has been such a struggle for me all these years. He said that my issues probably stem from something in my childhood, blah blah blah. I just sort of fell apart. There's too much information out there and the more help I seek in trying to find the right path, the more lost I feel.

What I'm realizing more and more is that the world is full of people who THINK they know. They think they know the best diet or the right way to treat someone or something. They think they know what you've been through or why you are a certain way. They think they know a better path. But the truth is, it's only a very very few people in this world who really understand me. Who really know what I've been through or what my struggles are. Even when it comes to diet, there are a million different ideas about what is best for us as humans. I'm starting to realize that the only person who really knows what I need is me. Sure, I can pull ideas from other people and places, but the only person who understands my needs and knows exactly what I need is me.

I don't think I'm going back to that acupuncturist. He made me feel like crap all day today worrying about my diet and these changes that I was so proud of up until the moment he lectured me. I'm getting protein, just not the way he thinks I should get it. Regardless of what he thinks, fruits and veggies are so much better for me than what I was eating before I started this diet. For me, it's a good change and if he can't support me, he's not going to be part of my team right now.

I guess my struggle right now is this: In a world full of so much information, how do we know what's right for us? For where I am right now in my journey, I think what's right for me is trusting my own instincts and finding something that works. Anything that makes me feel bad or doubtful or crappy can just disappear into the background.

Rough First Day

2011-08-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Today was NOT easy, let me tell you. As someone who eats out most of the time and makes choices like pizza, chicken fingers, fries, and such, eating only fruits and veggies is not only a shock to my system, it's a shock to my psyche. I did it though. Well, it's 9:45 at night and I'm snacking on broccoli, cauliflower and carrots, so I'm almost done with Day 1. I'm hoping it gets easier as it goes. I've pretty much been hungry all day even though I've also been eating all day. It doesn't seem to make sense, but when you add up all my calories, I'm still way under my 1500/day allotment.

I also worked out for an hour and a half this morning, which took a lot out of me. I know in the end, it will be worth it. Food has had control over me for far too long. If I didn't have PCOS, I might not be as concerned about eating the wrong kinds of food, but eventually what I eat is going to be a matter of life and death for me. I'd rather start now before the death part feels any closer! I definitely don't want to get diabetes or heart disease and the only way to really avoid those things is by eating right.

Can you tell I'm trying to pump myself up here? I'm going to need a lot of positive self-talk over the next 39 days. I might honestly come out of this a brand new person. Just 39 more days. I can do this.

Fruits and Veggies

2011-08-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have made a very important decision. I have decided to go on a 40 day fruit and veggie fast. For me, this is a HUGE deal, lol. Food is my comfort and my stress-reliever and has been for years. Unfortunately, the foods I crave and want are things like chicken fingers, fries, cakes, candy, doughnuts, soda. These are all things that are bad, bad, bad. They are particularly bad for me because I have PCOS. All of those foods cause crazy spikes in my blood glucose levels and my body has a hard time regulating those levels and bringing them back down, which in turn causes all types of hormonal issues within my body. With only about 60 days remaining until my IVF cycle, I have decided to go through a detox program to both clean my body of toxins and to reset my cravings.

Am I terrified? Yes. Oh God, yes! I've never done anything like this in my life except when I was first diagnosed with PCOS and a nutritionist suggested I become vegetarian. I did it for several months before my then-boyfriend made fun of me for not eating steak and it was all over. Oh, how weak I was back then, haha. Now, I am hoping to be very strong and stick to this program that I know will make me healthier, help me detox and get rid of all the negative things in my digestive system, and hopefully help me jumpstart some weight loss. The weight loss will definitely help come IVF time, when the meds will surely put some weight back on. Ha!

So what is a fruit and veggie fast? This was my question when my personal trainer first suggested it to me. Basically, it's exactly what you would think it is. For 40 days, all I eat are fruit and veggies. No nuts, beans, meats, absolutely no animal products whatsoever - so no cheese, milk, eggs or anything like that. I am going to supplement my smoothies with protein powder (no artificial sweeteners! thank you Jay Robb Whey protein) and I have already told myself I am allowed on special occasions to put some peanut butter on my celery. But only rarely.

My acupuncturist told me to back off the caffeine anyway, so that was on the plan regardless. I imagine I'll be experiencing a few headaches in the days coming up as my body goes through some caffeine withdrawal. I haven't been having a lot of caffeine lately though, just some sodas here and there, so it shouldn't be too awful. Also, my trainer's wife told me that as your colon becomes cleaner, you do start to get some pretty serious gas pains. Great, lol. Not looking forward to that one, haha.

So what all did I buy today? I made a trip to whole foods with my trainer and his wife (amazingly sweet of them to take me under their wing) and bought all organic fruits and berries like raspberries, strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, bananas, apples, oranges and grapefruit. I also bought tomatoes, japanese sweet potatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, celery and kale. Another non-fruit and veggie cheat I'll be using is almond milk for the smoothies, by the way. Oh, and I bought a huge bottle of pomegranate juice, which I've heard is great for boosting fertility.

I officially started the fast tonight at dinner. I made a banana, raspberry, strawberry smoothie with almond milk, ice and protein powder. It was delicious! I am also drinking lots and lots of water and plan to go tomorrow to stock up on San Pelligrino sparkling water that I can drink with lemon and pretend it's sprite, LOL. I'm hoping to use a cute new notebook I bought to record all of my foods every day.

Overall, my plan now includes a 40 day fast, regular exercise, acupuncture, chinese herbs, metformin, prenatal vitamins, vitamin D supplements and lots and lots of water. I want to spend some time before IVF begins also working on stress-management techniques like meditation. In my heart, I know that I am doing all I can to make our dream of having a baby come true. I want to be my best self and I want to be healthy so that when I do get pregnant, my body will be a great, snuggly home for a little one to grow. I'll let you know how it goes!

Updates to the "Plan"

2011-08-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

I got a call from my nurse yesterday. I haven't talked to her much in a while, so it was good to hear from her and get things settled in my head. Now that AF has arrived, I have officially started marking things off my IVF to-do list. Yay! I set up my CD 5-9 saline ultrasound for next Tuesday. This is to check for fibroids and any issues with the uterus that would prevent an embryo from implanting. Also, the nurse told me that Dr. T wants me to re-do my Day 3 bloodwork. That's the bloodwork that checks hormone levels, AMH, and FSH (which helps them determine quality and quantity of viable eggs remaining). I had this done last October, but they wanted more recent results. So, luckily I talked to her in time to get it done this cycle.

I went in early this morning to have blood drawn and damn, they took like 9 vials of blood! It was crazy! I decided to also get my infectious disease labs done since it's one of the IVF requirements. On Tuesday, George is going in with me to the saline u/s and he'll do his inf. disease labs then too. Also, he'll give his sample for freeze. Our clinic requires a back-up sample just in case, for whatever reason, the husband can't "perform" or isn't able to give a sample on the day of the egg retrieval. Hehe. George never is looking forward to this. I can't imagine how awkward that must be for a guy, but he's a real trooper.

The exciting thing is that after next week, we'll be almost through all the major pre-requirements to starting IVF! All we'll have left is the education class where we learn to mix the medicines and learn how to do the injections and such. And, of course, there's the little thing of payment. Ugh. Haha. I know in the end, it will be worth all the money we're spending. Luckily, we also have great insurance that will reimburse a lot of it, but as it stands right now, it's still going to cost several thousand dollars.

Nurse C said that on Tuesday, Dr. T will sit down with us after the u/s and discuss the official protocol we'll be using for our IVF cycle. I'm anxious to hear which drugs we'll be using and how it will all go down. She said whenever we're ready to start the cycle, we'll just pay the money and they will go ahead and order the drugs. Some people on my babycenter IVF forum have already ordered their meds, so I was kind of freaking out thinking I was way behind, but Nurse C said their pharmacy usually overnights the meds, so there's no reason to plan that far in advance. I'm so relieved to hear that! I feel like we're in very good shape for our cycle and I can't see anything standing in our way right now. Definitely good news :).

First Acupuncture Appointment

2011-08-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had my first acupuncture appointment. George went with me even though the appointment was mostly for me. His swimmers are above average, hehe, so not much work needed there! (thankfully!) Still, he's always so supportive and tries to go to as many appointments with me as possible. The appointment was an hour and a half long and we started out by talking about basics like nutrition, my cycle, our plan moving forward, etc. I really liked the guy. He seemed very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. He wasn't pushy or judgmental in any way, which was also good.

It's no secret that my eating habits need to change. I typically skip breakfast and only eat twice a day. He was telling me that is a huge no-no. I should definitely be eating a healthy breakfast and then eating at least every 3 hours to keep my blood sugar levels stable. I have heard this before, but hearing it again just makes it sink in more. He also gave me some herbs to take that he said will help control my blood sugar levels. It's called Gymnema leaf extract and I'm supposed to take it 20 minutes before my evening meal. What's exciting about this for me is that he said I should be able to stick with just the 1,000 mg. of Metformin I'm taking now without going back up to the 2,000 mg. This is very good news for me. My stomach tolerates the 1,000 mg. pill just fine right now. It's the 2,000 that literally kills my stomach. He said that while metformin is good for regulating the blood sugar levels, it also works to keep some other minerals from being absorbed properly into my body. I'll do whatever I can to minimize my metformin intake but still get the benefit of the controlled glucose levels. Yay! Good news there.

After we talked for a bit, he gave me my first acupuncture treatment. I laid on my stomach, face-down on the table. He put needles near my ankles somewhere and in my calf, then in several spots on my lower back. I was nervous about how the needles would feel. Sometimes it pinched a little going in, but it didn't hurt, which was good. Then, he hooked up these little wires to the needles and put 15 herz through them, making them vibrate. He said this is good for getting the blood moving. He explained how this will work to bathe my ovaries and send blood flow to the uterus, stimulating the follicles to grow and mature the eggs faster. With PCOS, one of the major problems is that eggs take so long to mature and cycles are so long, by the time the egg is ovulated, it isn't any good anymore and pregnancy can't happen. He hopes to get me ovulating a little bit early and make the eggs stronger and more mature. Do I really feel this is possible through acupuncture? I'm a little bit skeptical, to be honest. Clomid seemed to do the same thing, but it still didn't get me pregnant. On the other hand, I would be beyond thrilled to get pregnant naturally before we start IVF!

After about half an hour, he came back in, took out those needles and had me turn over. Then, he put needles in my ankles, feet, arms, hand and one in the center of my forehead. He felt my "kidney pulse" and at first said it was a little bit weak, then after about twenty minutes, he said it was much better. I didn't really feel particularly different, but I'm going to trust the process and hope for the best. I go back next Monday afternoon for another follicular treatment and to discuss a total plan for my health coming up.

One thing he did say that gave me pause was that he recommends at least 3 months of acupuncture for me before we move on to IVF. Right now, there are only two months planned before we start. I really don't want to put it off any longer, to be honest. Still, I want to give this the best shot, so I feel torn. Who's to say one more month of acupuncture would make the difference? There's no way to know that. On the other hand, I want to come through IVF knowing I did everything I could to make it successful. No regrets, you know? We'll see what his plan is for me when I go in on Monday. Overall his fees are very reasonable, so I should be able to do whatever he thinks is best as far as continuing treatments and herbs. I'll keep you updated! It just feels good to be getting started and moving in the right direction for our miracle baby!

CD 1

2011-08-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

AF came this morning. While I was working out, of course, lol. I got home from the gym and it was on. Cramps full force, which only adds insult to injury when you're TTC. It's like, not only do you have to deal with the blow of not being pregnant yet again, you also have to deal with feeling like complete crap and being in excruciating pain. Ugh. I am going to take another tylenol and hope it goes away by this afternoon.

The good news is that I was finally able to schedule my CD 5-9 ultrasound. It's one of those pre-requisites to IVF, so this will be a very good step in our journey. I had one of these done last year, but the clinic requires it to be done within a few months of IVF just to make sure there are no fibroids or tumors in the uterus that would cause IVF to fail. I feel confident that everything will be fine, so this is just going to get us one step closer to the good stuff. Dr. T is going to put some kind of "bubbles" in the saline this time around so we can get a clearer look at the tubes. I realize this seems strange since we're doing IVF and the tubes will be bypassed, but for my own peace of mind, I want to know if my tubes are blocked in any way or not.

So, the saline ultrasound is scheduled for 3:15 PM on August 9th. That's next Tuesday. On the phone, the nurse told me to be sure to take some tylenol or other pain killer about an hour before I come in. Nice. I hadn't been thinking about the pain of it, lol. I've been so focused on the process, I had forgotten to think about how the saline u/s felt. It does kind of suck for a few minutes, but I don't remember it being awful or anything. Hopefully this time will be the same.

I also left a voicemail for the nurse I work with most directly. I'll just call her Nurse C. I asked her to please call me back when she gets a chance so we can discuss my IVF protocol and whether I need to come in for a specific "plan" sort of meeting with her and Dr. T. Today marks the officially 2 month waiting period before we start our IVF cycle on October 1st. I'm very excited and very nervous at the same time.

Oh, and today is my first acupuncture appointment! 6:00 PM tonight. I had to fill out a ton of forms. Think I will print out my charts from FF too and take those with me. We'll see what he has to say tonight, but I'm hoping it will help me relax and also help us conceive. I feel like even though IVF is still 2 months away, we're finally starting to take real steps towards it, and that makes me very happy. On CD1, I usually am feeling depressed and wondering if I will ever feel the joy of seeing those two lines on a home pregnancy test. Now, though, I can truly find hope that I just might see it in 3 months or less!

Vitamin D Deficient

2011-07-29T17:58:00.000-07:00

I finally got a call back from my doctor about the blood tests they ran on Monday. She said everything looked normal except my Vitamin D levels. Now, I had a problem with my vit. d levels a few years ago too. It was the leading cause of some serious fatigue issues. To put it in perspective, the optimal range is anywhere from 50-80 on the blood test. (Don't ask me 50 what, because I have no idea what the measurement is, haha. I just know the numbers.) Anyway, 50 is the minimum optimal level. My level was somewhere around 11. Not good.

My doctor told me to start spending more time out in the sun and to start taking Vitamin D supplements, something like 1,000 IU's a day. I did that. Went back in a few months to test and the level had only gone up to about 13. Ugh. I was tired all the time and it sucked. They ended up putting me on a prescription of 50,000 IU's a week. It made a huge difference in my energy levels, but (genius), they never came back to check my levels after that again. I guess they assumed those major levels were enough.

I kept taking the 1,000 IU regular pills, the kind you can get at any pharmacy or drug store, but lately, just like with the metformin I talked about earlier this month, I stopped taking my pills. I started having some serious fatigue issues again lately and was wondering what was up. I was hoping this month maybe it was a pregnancy symptom, but it seems that my Vitamin D levels are back down to below 20. I have no idea how it got that bad again! It's not like I stopped taking all my vitamins for months and months. It's just been a short period of time. I'm guessing the prescription they gave me way back when never really even brought me up to a normal level. I think it probably just got me to a decent, not tired all the time level. Then, when I stopped taking the vitamins like I was supposed to, it dipped down really low again.

From doing some online research, it seems like women with PCOS are quite often deficient in Vitamin D. I wonder why that is? Is there something inside that's not working right to allow our bodies to absorb the vitamin correctly? I want to look into this more. One study out there also claimed that something like 93% of women with infertility problems are Vitamin D deficient. I mean, it's the internet, so not everything is true. BUT if it is true, wouldn't it also make sense that a vitamin d deficiency is a possible cause of infertility? It makes sense to me. So why aren't RE's checking our vitamin d levels and making sure we have a normal level before resorting to all these injections and clomid and things that really mess with our bodies?? (Thank you Clomid for an extra 15 pounds I still haven't been able to shrug since May). I just wonder if it's a real issue or not. Deep thoughts by Sarra, lol.

Anyway, now I'm back on the 50,000 IU prescription and have to go back in 3 months to check my vitamin d levels again. Ironically, my appointment to check is right smack dab in the middle of the time when I'll probably be going through the end stages of injections for IVF and getting ready for my ER. (egg retrieval) I figure I'll be getting sticked with so many needles that month, what's one more, right? /sigh. Hopefully the new scrip will get me back on track with my energy levels and help get rid of some of this fatigue. And if it helps me get pregnant? That would be amazing!

Feeling Better'ish

2011-07-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

I'm still having some dizzy spells. I feel like I've been asleep for almost all of the past twenty-four hours, haha. Sudafed is definitely knocking me down, not to mention the heat outside that makes me want to stay in and curl up in the air conditioning.

On a good note, my temperature is still up this morning. I have been so incredibly bad about keeping my chart updated this month. Between our trip to Vegas and a lot of late nights working, I just wasn't able to take a consistent temperature reading. My chart looks all wonky this month. I wasn't sure I would ovulate, but somewhere around CD 18, I got a positive OPK. Now, my temperature has been up over 98 for the past few days, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated. Unfortunately, I am still not sure when to expect AF to show her ugly face, but hopefully it won't be too much longer. I'm anxious to get in for my saline u/s next cycle to get the IVF ball rolling.

Of course, I would be fine if AF didn't come at all for the next, say, nine months. :) In the meantime, I think I've got about five or six more days to wait and see. Hopefully by then, this inner ear infection will be gone and I'll be back to normal.

Sudafed

2011-07-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I have medicine head.

Saturday, I started having these crazy dizzy spells. Moments where I felt off-kilter and the world seemed to be spinning. Of course, I had a friend who said it was an early pregnancy symptom and part of me got excited. Technically, I'm in the 2WW right now, so it's definitely possible. On the other hand, I know it's such a slim chance, so I hate that it got my hopes up even a little bit.

The dizziness continued yesterday and this morning, so my husband drove me to the doctor this morning. I have fluid built up behind my ear drum, so the doctor thinks this must be the cause of the dizzy spells. Boooo. Lol. She told me to pick up some pure sudafed, 30 mg, and take small doses for the next couple of days until the dizziness goes away. Apparently sudafed is on the approved list of medications for pregnant women (just in case). She also ordered some bloodwork done. Since I've also been feeling tired, she's checking my Vitamin D levels for one thing. I used to be severely Vitamin D defficient and had to go on super pills of 50,000 IU's to get it back to normal.

The check-out sheet also says she ordered a comprehensive chem panel and something called CBC w/Plts. Not sure what that is. I know the Vitamin D test takes like 10 days to get back, so I don't know how long it will be before I hear from her. Anyway, I was a little disappointed that there was such an easy explanation for the dizziness. I was so hoping it was an early pregnancy symptom! Instead, I'm stuck taking sudafed, which I hate. It's supposed to be non-drowsy, but this stuff knocks me on my butt. I just got up from a 2 hour nap in which time seemed to fly by. I seriously thought I'd only laid down a couple minutes ago, and boom, it was already five in the afternoon. Crazy!

On the bright side, I'm going to get some really good rest over the next couple days!

Getting Back on Medication

2011-07-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad girl long enough. The time has come to get serious about my health. I wrote earlier last week about my terrible Metformin habits, but it hasnt' just been a problem with the Met. It's also with all my other drugs. My vitamins, everything. Tonight, I officially started back on all the medications and vitamins I'm supposed to be taking. If I can be really good and take them every single day, I'll have just over 2 months of getting used to the drugs and getting in shape before we do IVF. Hopefully that's plenty of time to get myself in tip-top health before we start going through the hard stuff.

As much as I feel bad and regret going off my medication for selfish reasons (I felt awful ALL the time), I know that my doctor has my best interest in mind. I know these are medicines I need to be on to give myself the best chance of getting pregnant. So isn't it worth feeling bad and having digestive issues for a few months? Yes, I would say it is. In the grand scheme of things, there are much worse things I could be taking. Metformin is just a temporary sickness as long as I keep my nutrition under control. So as of tonight, I'm back on a plan and determined to stick with it.

Here's what I take on a daily basis:

Glumetza, 1000 mg (This is the metformin. My doctor prescribed 2000mg, but I have to work up to it since it makes me so sick. I'm going to start on half dose first, then work back up to the 2000 in a couple of weeks. Yikes!)
Vitamin D3, 1000 IUs
New Chapter Organics Prenatal Vitamins, 3/day
Fish Oil, 800mg EPA twice a day (I take Carlton's Finest Fish Oil from Whole Foods. It's a liquid but it tastes like lemon. I used to take pills, but then I always had this fishy taste in my mouth that I HATED. This fish oil is actually quite nice and has no real aftertaste issues. Plus, it's pure.)

It doesn't sound like a lot. Especially not compared to what I'll go through with an IVF cycle. It's definitely manageable, and I know in the long run, it's best for my body. I'm going to get back in the habit of taking them and hopefully with a new plan for diet and nutrition, the metformin won't bother my stomach quite as much.

As a side note, PCOS bites. I sometimes wish I could be like a normal woman who could just take the vitamins and be fine. End of self-pity moment.

Wedding Today

2011-07-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

George and I are going to a friend's wedding today! I always look forward to happy events like this where everyone is smiling and in a good mood and there is so much joy in the air. And of course, there will be wedding cake.The only down-side is that lately, I feel like I'm always looking around and seeing pregnant women everywhere. I'm sure today will be no different. I am betting I will see at least four or five pregnant women. Is it just me? Or are there more pregnant women in the world right now than ever before?

I know it's just because my mind is fixated on it, but it stills seems like a lot more than normal. A pregnant belly or a new baby always used to make me smile and just light up inside. Now, even though I still get that sweet, happy feeling when I see someone about to have a baby or holding their newborn, there's also a twinge of sadness. I catch myself wondering if that will ever be me? It doesn't make me depressed or anything, there's just this moment of pause, you know? In truth, we really haven't been trying that long compared to some couples, but in my heart, I've been waiting for this for a very very long time. Yesterday was the due date of one of my friends and another actually did give birth to her new baby. They both got pregnant after George and I started trying. It's hard to think so much time has gone by already.

Today, I'm not going to wallow in some kind of self-pity when I see all these happy pregnant women and this new bride. I'm going to smile and think about how wonderful it will be this Christmas to go visit my family and be more than two months pregnant already. I'm going to think about how I'll be pregnant on my 35th birthday and how next year, someone will throw me a baby shower and everyone will come to visit us in the hospital this time next summer to meet the new Bittmann baby(ies?).

Zumba!

2011-07-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

Part of my plan to get ready for IVF and be the best I can be is to work on my fitness. This has been a sore subject with me for a very long time. I was active as a child growing up in Georgia. I loved to jump on the trampoline, ride my bike, play out in the woods, and take long walks. But when it comes to anything sports-related, I'm just not at my best. As I got older, my fitness level flatlined. I tried going to the gym a few times in college. I played some racquetball, but for the most part, I just hated working out. I felt so self-conscious, like everyone was looking at me and thinking I didn't belong there.

I joined Jazzercise a few years ago and spent about six months working out there. I loved it. I really enjoyed the dancing, but I didn't see much weight loss, and it was pretty much always the same work out. Plus, the group I was going to felt like they already had a little clique of friends and again, I just didn't feel 100% comfortable. With a few months to go before IVF, I know it's my time now to work on my fitness. To manage PCOS, I have to exercise. I just HAVE TO.

So George and I joined the gym closest to our house. Lifestyle Family Fitness. I signed up for 3 sessions a week with a personal trainer. Yes, it's expensive, but right now, it's one of the most important things in my life. Included in my gym membership are daily classes of all types, including yoga, body pump, step classes, and my personal new favorite - ZUMBA!

I've heard people talking about it for a long time, and I even bought the DVD workout set, but I didn't fall in love with Zumba until I started going to the classes at my gym. OMG, it's so much fun!! Yes, I'm the overweight girl trying desperately to get my hips to move right, but I don't care. Everyone there is so accepting and fun. Right now, I'm going twice a week, Wed. and Fri. mornings. It's an hour long class, and on average, I'm burning at least 500 calories that hour! Combined with the 30 minute personal training right before, I'm burning probably close to 800 calories three times a week. (I go to beginner yoga on Mondays after training.) I would like to step it up and go to a few more of the weekly Zumba classes. There's one on Saturdays I might start trying and one on Tuesday afternoons. It's fun and it's fitness. Who knew?

Exercise is key for me right now. It's helping me manage my stress. It's helping me manage my PCOS. And it's giving me energy to get through my week with a smile on my face. I don't know how my exercise routine will be affected once the injections begin. From what I've heard, most people have to stop doing anything that really raises your heartrate while on the meds, so we'll see. Obviously, after the embryo transfer, I'll be on bedrest and wanting to take it easy for a week or so. But for now, full steam ahead. Zumba, personal training and walking in the evenings. I'm feeling really good about these changes, and I really feel like I'm going to stick with it this time.

Now, if I could just get my nutrition under control...

Building My Sanctuary

2011-07-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Our bedroom is awful. When I first moved in with my husband, his house was pretty much not decorated at all. I spent some time a few years ago painting and trying to make this more of a home, but I'm not the most talented interior decorator, haha. (To say the least!) The downstairs, the bathroom, and the office got some love, but our bedroom got ignored. It was partly about money and partly about time.

Now, however, I want to make our bedroom a sanctuary. I want it to be a place I can relax and destress and feel good. I know that throughout most IVF cycles, there are at least a few days of bed rest, and I want our bedroom to be an awesome place to do that.

Right now, our bedroom has zero artwork, a plain white down comforter (no duvet), no headboard, no curtains, an old dresser from when George was still in high school, and a rack of computers, LOL. No exactly romantic or relaxing! There is definitely a lot of room for improvement. Unfortunately, there's so much that needs to be done, it could get pretty expensive. With the expense of IVF already climbing, we don't want to spend too much money on the room.

Here's my idea so far for the room. I just ordered the prettiest 10 piece bedding set (on sale!) from JC Penney. It's called Serenade, and I love it.

Instead of the current off-white walls, we're going to paint this gorgeous blue called Twin Cities from Valspar paint. I think it's going to be perfect! I think the blue will be very relaxing and beautiful and calming. On the beautiful dark wood nightstands my dad built us last year for Christmas, I want to put vases with beautiful silk white flowers. I also hope to put some nice artwork on the wall that brings in the nature theme and brings some life into the room. A good friend of mine that I met on the Baby Center forums is a designer. She's the one who suggested the paint color (with a nod to the fact that we might have twins, hehe) and also this branch wall art.

Design-wise, I think those are some good starting elements. I love the earthy theme and the calming colors, and I really think this is going to be a great place to meditate and unwind while we go through the rollercoaster of IVF. We are also going to try to put a new headboard and a new dresser in the room, as well as some nice off-white or dark brown/green curtains that match the leaves in the bedding. I'll try to post pictures when we're finished. My hope is that our bedroom becomes a sanctuary while we are TTC and also a great place to call our own when we begin to share our home with a new baby (or two :).

Metformin Misstep

2011-07-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

Metformin sucks. For those of you who have never heard of this medication, you'll just have to take my word for it. It's a diabetes medication that reduces blood sugar levels. I don't have diabetes, but with the Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, I am insulin resistant. Metformin is prescribed for a lot of women with PCOS to manage blood sugar levels. Researching up on it, I know that it has some amazing benefits for dealing with the symptoms of PCOS. The problem is, as I said earlier, Metformin SUCKS.

I was first prescribed it by my regular general doctor a few years ago. She put me on 250 mg a day and it made me so sick, I was miserable for weeks. Almost 3 months, honestly. Then, she bumped it up to 500 mg a day and the hell started all over again. You can imagine my shock and dread when I went to see the doctor at the fertility clinic and he prescribed 2,000 mg a day of Glumetza, which is another, nongeneric form of Metformin. I almost died. 2,000 mg? You've got to be kidding me!

If you just google "Metformin side-effects", you would probably get pages and pages about what this drug does to your body. It's extremely unpleasant. I'm about to get a little graphic, so if you get disgusted easily, just skip over the next part, haha. Here's what metformin does to me. First of all, it gives me a terrible stomach ache. It puts me in a constant state of feeling nauseated. I have only thrown up a few times, but it's just miserable feeling like I could throw up at any moment. Then, there's the diarrhea. Literally, I have had days where I cannot leave the house because I'm on the toilet all day. It's disgusting and miserable and totally steals my dignity. I get awful headaches, have to drink a ton of water to stay hydrated, and am pretty much miserable all day every day.

Now, even after saying all that, I will admit that it does get better. After a few months, it gets better. At least until I eat a few bites of sugar. Then, it all starts over again. All it takes is a single cookie or even too much ketchup and I'm in the bathroom for hours with awful stomach cramps and misery.

So, after going through months of getting used to it, why would someone ever stop taking it? I have no idea, but that's exactly what I did. Multiple times. It seems like every time I get through the worst of it and start to get used to it, I just stop taking it. It's like a part of me just gets so tired of not being able to eat anything I want and not knowing when I'm going to wake up feeling awful. I just can't take it anymore and I rebel. I stop taking it. I binge on sweets and fried foods. Then, I reach a point where I know I have to start taking it again and the hell starts all over.

A couple months ago, I went home to Georgia. I knew we were going to the beach and I wanted to be able to eat when we went to dinner. I wanted to drink and have fun. So I stopped taking the Metformin and haven't taken it since. I don't know why, but food is a huge part of my happiness. It's so hard for me to live without it. I know that sounds awful and shallow, but it's the honest truth. On the other hand, taking the metformin means a healthier body. It means a better chance of getting pregnant, and more importantly, it greatly reduces the chance of miscarriage in women with PCOS. It's a medicine I HAVE to be on. Plain and simple. I'm just not looking forward to going through the side-effects all over again.

I know this has been a total whiny post today, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I wish there was some other way to get healthy besides taking this drug, but I trust my doctor and he firmly believes I need to be on it. I'm planning to start back tomorrow with 1,000 mg a day for a few weeks until (hopefully), my stomach starts to get used to it again. Then, I'll go back up to the 2,000 mgs and stay on it until I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I can only hope that in the end, it makes a real difference.

Our Plan Moving Forward

2011-07-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

I thought I would take a post to organize my own thoughts on our current TTC plan. After talking with our doctor at NCCRM in April after several failed IUI's and Clomid cycles, we decided to move forward with IVF. Rather than just rush into it and start right away, we decided to take several months to prepare, save money, and try to get into a better place for IVF. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept thinking we might get pregnant on our own before it came to that, but after four cycles without fertility meds, we still are not pregnant, so we are looking on toward the upcoming IVF and setting our sites on success.

At first, we planned to start IVF in August, but as most of you know, I'm a writer. I just released the fourth book in my YA series. There is one final book left in this series and rather than go through the emotional roller coaster of IVF (and possibly morning sickness soon after, hehe) while I'm still writing this series, I thought it would be better for me to write and publish the final book before we begin IVF. I am just starting book 5 now and hope that it can be finished and published by mid-September. (fingers crossed!) In the meantime, we are going to get all our little ducks in a row so that when the book is published, we are 100% ready to move forward.

Here are the major things that we need to do before we can start meds:

Saline Ultrasound - this has to be done during CD 5-9. I've already had one of these done, but that was back in November and my clinic's policy is to do another one right before IVF to guarantee that there are no tumors or fibroids in my uterus that would prevent an embryo from implanting. Also, I've asked my doctor to check my tubes just to see for sure if they are blocked. Instead of performing a painful HSG, he said he can add bubbles to the saline and see the tubes clearly. I plan to go in for this u/s during this next cycle.
IVF Labs - George and I both will need to get blood tests done to check for infectious diseases (I think this is a federal requirement for IVF). I'm not sure yet if I will need to also get another check of my FSH and AMH and all that good stuff since I had those tests done less than a year ago, but we'll see.
Acupuncture Initial Evaluation - I know that acupuncture isn't a necessity when it comes to IVF, but I'd like to go for it and do everything I can to give IVF its best chance for success. Some studies say that acupuncture can increase implantation rates, so I'm going to go for it. We have a couple's evaluation already scheduled for August 1st.
S/A and Freeze - This is all George, haha. He's had a semen analysis done several times before and everything has been awesome with his results (above average which is great), but the fertility clinic requires him to do another and they also require a sample to be frozen ahead of time just in case there is something that prevents him from giving a sample on the day of retrieval. That way, there's always a backup if anything happens. The freeze is one thing insurance does not cover, so that's $200 out of pocket, but totally worth it.
Weight Loss - My doctor says that he doesn't believe my current weight will cause any problems with IVF, but he did say that any amount of weight I can lose before the procedure will only help the maturity and quality of the eggs retrieved. I am very disappointed to say that since this time last year, I've gained nearly 20 pounds. Ugh. How does that happen? Well, I know how it happened. I gained nearly all 20 pounds during the clomid rounds and it totally sucks! It scares me about the drugs for IVF and how my body will handle it. Am I going to gain a bunch of weight? I hope not. I definitely need to drop some of this weight. I am working with a personal trainer 3 times a week, going to Zumba classes, Yoga classes, and walking a lot with George. I also have a new diet plan, so I am confident I can drop that 20 pounds before we start meds. However, I am also happy to know that my doctor doesn't think my current weight is going to be an issue.

So that's our list. Once the book is finished and the list is done, we'll start the official process. I don't know all the details of the meds I'll be taking yet, but I do know a few things. Here is a rough outline of what our IVF plan will be:

Birth control pills for 10 days to restart my cycle.
Clomid starting cycle day 2.
Injectables (not sure which ones yet) for 10-12 days.
U/S every 2 or 3 days throughout injection period and E2 check.
When follicles are ready, trigger shot.
36 hours later - Egg Retrieval (not looking forward to anethesia here, but going to stay calm).
3-5 days Later - Embryo Transfer (My doctor plans to transfer two embryos as long as there are two near-perfect ones to transfer. I'm very hopeful we can get at least two great embryos.) Any remaining embryos will be frozen for a possible FET round (Frozen Embryo Transfer) if IVF is not successful.

Our chance of success is between 50-60% with IVF at this clinic, and I'm feeling really good about it. An FET round has a 30-40% success rate, so as long as we can get at least 4 healthy embryos, we have a really good shot of being pregnant within the next six months. I'm so nervous, but also excited about the future. I'm so glad we have a plan now and are moving forward with IVF. Even though the actual retrieval and transfer are probably still three months away, I know that time is going to fly by and it will be here before we know it.

Las Vegas, a New Blog Design, and a Focus Shift

2011-07-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

George and I are home from Las Vegas! We had the most amazing 9 days in the city. For us, this was both a celebration (his birthday) and a time for relaxation before we start our journey toward IVF. We both really needed an amazing week to let go of all the stress of the past year of failed fertility assistance. We needed some time to reconnect and just enjoy being together. It's my hope that our Vegas trip will also end up being our last vacation before we're pregnant! Here's a picture we took. Don't we just look so happy?

(Note: Yes, I do have blue hair, lol. My Dr. at NCCRM says no more hair dye once we get started, so I'll have to go back to plain brown soon, but for now, it's still blue and expressive, hehe.)

While I was away, I was also working with Faith of A Design of Faith to do a complete redesign of my blog, and I couldn't be happier with the results!! Thank you so much, Faith. You did an amazing job and I am so incredibly grateful. This was something I really wanted to do for myself so that I can have a beautiful place online to share my feelings throughout this roller coaster ride of TTC. As of today, I am going to make a pledge to blog every day. I think it will definitely be therapeutic for me to be open about my feelings. IVF is feeling so real right now even though it's been pushed back a few times. We're really at the beginning stages right now, so this is the perfect time to rededicate myself to my own blog and opening myself up to what's about to happen in our lives.

Now that our vacation is over, I feel a major focus shift deep inside. I've been wanting to have a baby for so long, but there have always been obstacles in my way. Now that my life is finally in a good place and I have finally found the most amazing man to raise a family with, we're having trouble getting pregnant. With the PCOS, I always knew this was a possibility. Still, there was a part of me deep down that hoped when the time was right, I wouldn't have trouble getting pregnant. It's heartbreaking to see that all those fears are coming true. I always thought IVF was a last-chance scenario, so to find ourselves in a place where it's the next step has been really hard to swallow.

When we first talked to our doctor about IVF this past Spring, I kept thinking we might still get pregnant in the meantime and not even need it. Month after month has gone by with no BFP. My chart is showing that I'm ovulating, so what's the problem? It's just heartbreaking and so frustrating. I feel like now I have to just let it go of all those fears and frustrations and just know that this is our path. IVF is going to be our miracle. I'll write more about our upcoming timeline tomorrow, but for now, I'm just focusing on getting healthy, working out to try to lose a little bit of weight before we begin meds and doing my best to relieve any stress. This is our time, and I'm going to embrace it and do everything I can to contribute to a successful first (and only! I hope!) round of IVF.

A Friend's Sadness

2011-06-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

I heard from a friend of mine today that her second round of IVF was not successful. My heart just broke for her when I heard the news. She and her husband have been trying to have a baby for about six years now with no success. News like this is difficult for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I feel awful for my friend. I know how important this was for her, and I can't imagine the heartbreak she must be feeling to know that even after all these years and all this effort, she still isn't pregnant. My friend is almost 40 years old, so she feels that time is running out for her. Yet, at the same time, she has a good attitude. She hasn't let her infertility make her hopeless. She still has every hope that someday she will be a mother. Her faith is inspirational.

The second reason her news is difficult to hear is that I know I'm about to embark on my first round of IVF in a few months. It's a completely selfish to be thinking of myself when it's her disappointment, but I also need to be honest about how I'm feeling.

After my initial heartbreak for her, I realized that her difficulty also made me feel very scared about my upcoming IVF. I know this isn't our only shot at getting pregnant, but it's definitely a huge investment. Financially AND Emotionally. For so long, IVF has seemed to be a last resort tactic. I always thought it was the final chance before having to look at options like surrogacy and/or adoption. I want so badly to be able to carry my own baby, and the thought of being at the end of that road - so to speak - is terrifying.

So even though it might sound selfish, hearing that someone else's IVF cycle failed brings up those natural feelings of fear within myself. Some part of me screams, "What if my cycle fails too? What if I can never carry a child and be a mother?" It's definitely a scary thought. I know that we can try more than once, but the unknown of it is what scares me the most. I've read stories of people's cycles having to be canceled because of overstimulation or some other complication. Also, sometimes the embryos don't survive long enough to be transferred. There are so many things that can go wrong.

How do you live through this experience and still keep hope alive? How do you hear about other people's failure and still believe in your heart that there's something different in store for you? I don't know the answer to that. The only thing I can say is that I'm going to try to separate her experience from mine. Yes, it's heart-breaking, and yes, I will mourn with her and give her all of my support. On the other hand, I have to understand that her journey is not my journey. There is no way to know how my IVF cycle will turn out. My doctor gives me a 60% chance of success, and right now, that's all that matters for me. In my heart, I have to still believe that IVF will work for us. My journey. My outcome. An outcome I can't control. Allowing fear and doubt to creep in and control my attitude is only going to hurt me. I need to wake up every day and find a way to foster faith and love and most of all, HOPE.

Getting Into the Habit and Delays

2011-06-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

I am used to blogging. In fact, I try to blog everyday. I have a blog for my writing career that has over 600 posts. But for some reason, when it comes to getting into the habit of keeping up with this blog about TTC, I just haven't been very good. I really think it would be good for me to get my fears off my chest. I think it would be good to talk about everything I'm going through with infertility. I know that no one else ever reads the blog, but it's more for me than anyone else. And maybe if I share what I'm thinking, eventually someone like me might stumble on this blog and find some comfort in what I've been through. I aim to try harder to post more often.

Since I'm writing today, I wanted to talk about the most recent news and struggles as far as IVF. Our plan was to begin IVF treatments on August 1st. I called to talk to my nurse the other day about the possibility of having an HSG done. I know the saline u/s I had done last October checked my uterus for fibroids and allowed the doctor to see my tubes. At the time, he said they "looked clear". Most of my friends on the baby center forums, however, had HSG's done instead of saline u/s and I began to wonder why. I asked the nurse, who then talked to the doctor. She said the doctor usually performs saline u/s instead, because HSG is limited to only checking the tubes and is more invasive than the saline, which checks both tubes and uterus.

We talked more about it and she said that if I really wanted to get a better look at my tubes before we proceed with IVF, the doctor said he would do another saline u/s (which they have to do anyway again before the IVF since the saline u/s is only good for six months). This time, though, he's going to put bubbles in the saline so he can see them passing through the tubes more clearly. Hehe. Bubbles! I wonder if it will feel any different? The trick is that a saline u/s has to be done on CD 5-9. When I talked to the nurse, I was already on CD 11 so it was too late for this month. In 22 days, my husband and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation. Based on previous cycles, it's totally possible I'll have my CD 5-9 while we are in Vegas! That would mean we couldn't do that required u/s until sometime in August.

The delayed u/s puts us several weeks into August before we can start birth control pills. I have to believe that the delay is for the best. That there is some divine reason why we should need to take a few extra weeks. If we were meant to start earlier, then I have to hope that my cycle will line up so that I can get the u/s done earlier than I think. TTC is such a roller-coaster already. Adding in all the precise timing and tests and medications that go along with IVF, it became even more of a crazy ride. I know keeping my stress levels down is going to be a big part of my success, so I'm determined to take these delays in stride and not let it bother me. I trust that everything is working out exactly as it should.

2 months, 1 Week, 5 Days

2011-05-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

That's the amount of time I have until we start IVF treatments. August 1st is the current plan. That will be the day I begin BCP for 10 days. I've been reading a lot of blogs lately of women who are going through the IVF process. I'm learning so much, but I'm also getting extremely emotional. It's good to know I'm not alone when it comes to dealing with PCOS and infertility. I think it's also helpful to know what I can expect as far as the shots and the medications and the appointments.

There's so much new lingo to learn. Before I started this journey, I had no idea about embryos and follicles and sperm counts and lupron injections. I still feel like I don't know everything there is to know. I have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I'm getting there. I thank God for women who are blogging about their experiences, so I am going to try my best to blog as well. Even if no one reads this. I think it will help me deal with my own emotions during the process.

Something else I've learned from these blogs is that IVF doesn't always work. Even after all the hope and the injections and the worry. Even after a good number of eggs retrieved and a five day transfer, sometimes it just doesn't work. My doctor said 60% chance of success. I trust him, and I'm extremely hopeful. But I'm also trying to be realistic in my expectations. With such a strong emotional and financial investment, it's hard not to put all your hope into a round of IVF. It's got to be devastating to find out that it didn't work. But at the same time, just think of the joy in finding out that it did work and that there's a little Bittmann bun in the oven!

For the next 2 months, 1 week, and 5 days, my plan is this:

Work out and get fit. (We've already joined a gym and I've lost 4 pounds so far! Yay me!)
Yoga and other meditation/relaxations. (I bought a fertility meditation from health journeys. I want to listen to it at least once a week.)
Learn as much about the IVF process as possible. I want to know my stuff for when the time comes!
Stay positive and believe that this is going to be our miracle.

As long as I have some things to focus on and ways to be productive over the next two months, I know I'm going to be okay.

Moving on To IVF

2011-04-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

After 2 failed IUI's and 4 failed cycles of Clomid, we have decided to move straight to IVF. It might seem like a drastic move after only ttc for six months, but since I don't seem to ovulate on my own, we think it's our best option. Our doctor said that in his experience, women with infertility and PCOS either get pregnant very easily with Clomid/IUI or they end up needing IVF.

Our other options were laproscopy (sp) to check for scar tissue, followed by ovarian drilling or more rounds of Clomid/IUI. He said that the highest rate of success he could give us with any of those other treatments was around 10-15%. Well, with IVF, their success rate is more like 50-60%. We decided that the emotional rollercoaster of putting my body through all those months of treatments with only a very small chance of success wasn't worth it. So, we're moving on to the higher success rate while we still have enough insurance benefit to cover it.

I want to make sure we have the very best chance of success with our first round of IVF, so we started thinking about when would be the best time to do it. Right now, I'm still working hard on the young adult series I'm writing. There are two more books remaining, and I want to finish it before we do any more treatments. IVF can be extremely stressful. I've read other blogs about the whole process of tests and shots and such. I want to schedule our IVF for a time when I can really relax and just take some time off. So, after some discussion and looking at our calendar, we decided on August.

By August, my series will be complete and I can take a full month off to relax and pamper myself throughout the process. In the meantime, that gives me four months to get my health into tip-top shape. George and I have already been taking daily walks. I've even been taking an extra walk during the day before he gets home. Me and my sweet little pomeranian, Snickerdoodle, walk together. I haven't seen any weight loss yet, but I am confident that if I keep exercising consistently and make better choices when I eat, I will start to see some good results.

My goal is to lose 30 pounds in the next four months and to learn more about PCOS as I go so that I can make better choices.

Another Failed Cycle

2011-03-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very good about posting this cycle. Last time I wrote, I was feeling committed to having a healthier cycle. I wanted to eat right and work out, but it didn't exactly go like that. I did make some good changes. I took my pills. I changed my prenatal vitamins to New Chapter Organics, which were more expensive, but are supposed to be the best. I also knocked caffeine and soda out of my diet and tried to be a bit healthier with my food choices.

Then I went home to Georgia after the IUI. It's always so hard to eat right when I'm home with my family. There was so much food! I was proud of myself for not smoking, though, which is a bad habit when I go home usually. At least I've cut that out of my life. I'm trying to give myself credit for the things I've done right and the changes I've made. Unfortunately, I haven't made as many changes as I wanted to by now.

Technically, I am only 11DPO right now, so there's still a chance a test wouldn't be accurate right now. On the other hand, the test I took this morning was a First Response Early Results test, which is supposed to be nearly 100% accurate up to 4 days before your missed period. When it came out negative this morning, I was so disappointed. I really hoped to be pregnant this cycle. It's so hard to be going through all these fertility treatments and going through the hope and excitement only to be disappointed. I want a baby so badly.

In the grand scheme of things, though, I know we haven't been trying too long. Some healthy couples try for more than a year with no luck. We've only been through four rounds of Clomid. I'm trying not to get too upset about it. There's still plenty of time.

Our next plan for treatment is IVF. The doctor said we could start the process right away, but we are going to wait until August. I want to make sure I can be as stress-free during the IVF process as possible. It's such an intensive process between almost daily doctor appointments, injections of hormones, and emotional investment, I know I am going to need to be able to concentrate on it instead of deadlines with my writing. We've decided to wait until August because by then I'll have the final two books of my series published and I won't have any deadlines. I can just relax, take some vacation time, and concentrate on making my body the perfect place for a baby to snuggle in.

I am trying to do my best to look at the next four months as a chance to get healthy. A chance to be the person I want to be before a baby comes. I want to get in shape, work out, and start to eat better. I need to get my sugars under control and lose about 30 pounds. That would put me at my ideal fertility weight of about 155. I know that the healthier I am when I get the IVF, the better chance I'll have to have a successful pregnancy. I want to look at this as a new start and a chance to make a better life for myself and my baby.

Focus on Health

2011-02-18T12:08:00.000-08:00

This cycle is all about being as healthy as possible. Major changes are hard to keep up, so I am going to try to add a few small things that will make a big difference. As a woman with PCOS, I can't just eat what I want and never exercise and expect everything to be okay. I have spent too many years ignoring my illness and treating my body like crap. I truly believe now that my eating habits and lack of exercise are the reason I am not pregnant yet.

Let's talk about weight for just a second. I am 5'7.5" tall. At my height, according to a few different studies, my ideal fertility weight is 150 lbs. As of this morning, I weigh 179 lbs. I've been yo-yo'ing between 175-185 lbs now for quite some time, which means that I am about 30 lbs over my ideal fertility weight. I think that's probably a partial reason for my infertility so far. On the other hand, I don't want to take four or more months off of fertility meds just to try to lose that weight. So what is the solution?

I can't change the past, but I can start today to try to make a difference. Exercising everyday doesn't mean that I have to do hardcore cardio workouts for two hours a day. It can just mean walking my dog for fifteen minutes. Anything above and beyond what I'm already doing is a step in the right direction.

Diet is just as important, if not more so, than exercise. This month, I am going to cut out all fried foods, soda, and sweets. My husband doesn't think it's a good idea for me to make such a drastic change, but I think I need to. Today, so far, I've eaten oatmeal (natural, not the sugary kind in packets) and a home-made smoothie with frozen strawberries, blueberries, plain yogurt, milk, and a scoop of Jay Rob Whey Protein. Tonight for dinner, I plan to make brown rice with grilled chicken. I'm adding whole grains, healthy sources of lean protein, fruit, and good healthy dairy. Also, I bought some Carlton's Finest Lemon flavored fish oil today. I usually take it in pills and just can't stand it. This new one is a liquid and wasn't so bad.

I'm looking forward to this cycle with positive thoughts. I'm thinking that this could be the month I get pregnant! I just started my Clomid today, so it's the perfect time to make these other changes to focus on health. Maybe with a little more effort, I can make my body the perfect place for a little baby to grow.

Day 1 - Fourth Medicated Cycle

2011-02-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

Day one is always such a depressing day. I've gotten several negative pregnancy tests in the past few days, so I was completely expecting this. On the other hand, actually getting my period is tough. Plus, AF just has to bring cramps with her. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough!

On the other hand, it's a fresh start. A new cycle with new opportunities for success. My mantra for this cycle is STAY POSITIVE! Starting today, I'm going to start each morning telling myself that I WILL be pregnant this cycle. I have a really great feeling about this. Like everything is starting to line up for us. I am armed with a new plan and a new determination to be healthy and pregnant. Here's my plan:

Drink LOTS of water. No more soda, try to stay away from caffeine as much as possible so no coffee for sure. Keep myself hydrated.
Daily exercise. I'm not talking about anything too drastic. If I try to do something crazy like going to the gym everyday or doing two hours of workouts, I know I'd just be setting myself up for failure. What I'm talking about is walking the dog everyday for fifteen minutes. Maybe an evening walk with my husband. I bought the DVD set for the Zumba workouts. I will try to do those workouts a few times a week. The walking is the most important thing, though.
Positive thinking. A daily affirmation that I keep with me everyday. Things like "I am going to be pregnant this cycle" and "I'm excited to see my belly growing". I want to picture myself with a healthy pregnant belly and how it will be to have that baby cradled in my arms at Thanksgiving.
Take my meds everyday! This is a sore spot for me. I went through so much crap getting used to the Glumetza, and then I just stopped taking my pills the way I was supposed to. It's completely my fault. I just got so tired of a restricted diet and wanted to feel good for a change. This medicine made me feel icky for two straight months and I just snapped. I started only taking 1000 mg a day and sometimes skipping days all together. BAD SARRA! Starting today, I'm back into taking the prescribed 2000 mg every single day, along with my prenatal vitamin. I also need to be taking fish oil supplements, so I am planning to go buy some tonight from whole foods. I know I'll have to go through some icky tummy stuff again, but I think it's obvious that without the meds, I'm going to struggle to get pregnant.
Eat right - and often. According to most books and sites about PCOS, eating several smaller meals a day is better than three large meals. In order to keep blood sugar regulated, it's better to eat something every three hours. I am going to stock up on healthy snacks and stick to eating more often.
RELAX! We've already booked a little mini vacation to the beach next weekend. Yes, it's February, but it's supposed to be warm. Even if we end up in the hotel room all weekend, it will be nice to get away - just the two of us. I am going to work to reduce stress this month.

That's my big plan for this month. It's a tall order, but I know that having a baby in 9 months will make it all worth it! This will be our fourth cycle on Clomid and our second IUI. This is our month!

11DPO on Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

It's just after midnight, and it's officially Valentine's Day. I'm 11 days past ovulation today, and so close to finding out the results of our IUI. I think I am going to just break down and test early. I already have my hpt ready to go for when I get up in the morning.

So far, my chart is looking promising! My temperature has been consistently rising since ovulation. Usually, my temperature drops drastically on 11 DPO, and I'm a little anxious to see what my temps will do tomorrow morning.

Just in case I haven't mentioned it before, I'm a bit of a nightowl. Okay, I'm a lot of a nightowl! My husband and I stay up most nights until 2am, then we get up around 8am and take a nap in the afternoons around 5pm. It's a strange sleep schedule. One that I'm sure will change once a baby arrives. Heck, a lot of things are going to change when a baby arrives!

The question right now is just WHEN will a baby arrive? I'm hoping for a very happy Valentine's day surprise and a BFP! The only hpt I have in the house right now is one I got from Dollar Tree. It's one of the cassette kinds and lists the sensitivity at 25 MIU. I looked online to see the sensitivities of most early hpt's. Even the most sensitive ones are the same as the Dollar Tree one. I think there are some online tests that you can order that go as low as detecting 20 MIU, but obviously I don't have time to order some by tomorrow.

I've got such high hopes about the success of the IUI. I haven't been feeling any specific symptoms, but I've been feeling calm and happy lately. If AF arrives, I think it will be more disappointing this month than ever before. I'll update the blog tomorrow with the news. It's possible 11DPO is still too early to get a BFP, but I'm going to try it anyway. I'm expecting AF by Wednesday or Thursday, but I really hope I don't see her for 9 more months!!! Wouldn't that be the best Valentine's Day present.

My First IUI

2011-02-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

Today was the big day! Our first IUI - Intrauterine Insemination. Here's how the procedure went:

*At 8:30 we checked in at the doctor's office. DH went straight in to a room in the back to give a sperm sample. He said the room had magazines and video and such to "inspire" haha. I can imagine that having to do that in a doctor's office and collect it in a cup would be really awkward and tough, but he did a good job. When the results came back, it showed that his sample had 105 million sperm! Of those, 31 million were high motility. Very good results that mean our chances of having a successful IUI are just that much better. The nurse said that they look for anything better than 10 million, but that 20-30 is ideal. We were just above ideal, so that's awesome!

*At 10:00 we were called back into the examination room. I stripped from the waist down and laid down with my legs in the stirrups. Our regular doctor was not available today, so another doctor from the sister OB/GYN office came to do the IUI. It was a little awkward because we'd never met him before, but he was very nice. The procedure didn't last long at all. He inserted the speculum, which is very much like what happens during a pap smear. It was uncomfortable, but not too bad. Then, he put the catheter inside, threading it through my cervix and up into my uterus. I only felt just little bit of a pinch, and then it was over.

DH held my hand the whole time and I was glad we were there together. After the doctor left the room, I laid on the table for 15 minutes. I felt a little bit of cramping right from the start, but they weren't as bad as what I usually experience with my period. After 15 minutes, we were able to leave. I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed relaxing. There was a little bit of blood when I went to the bathroom and a LOT of cervical mucus. I have read that the cervical mucus comes from so much of it releasing when the catheter opens the cervix. I also had a lot later this evening. I'm also still cramping a bit. Nothing too bad, though.

I am so excited and nervous to see the results of this IUI. I know that for a lot of people, IUI works the very first time. I really hope we are one of those success stories! The two week wait is going to be the toughest one yet, because I know this is our best chance. Some websites say that IUI with Clomid and a good number of sperm in the sample has up to 26% chance of resulting in a pregnancy. I had 3 healthy, mature follicles and the sperm sample was good. It's exciting and I know we've got a good shot. Now, I have to just relax and keep stress out of my life for the next few weeks. I can reasonably test on February 16th. I don't even know how it will feel to get that BFP!!! Amazing!

Second Ultrasound

2011-02-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

This morning I had my second follicle check ultrasound for this third medicated cycle. My follicles are definitely maturing. I had one 22mm follicle, which is big enough to trigger. But I also had two others that were at 17 and 16 mm's. The nurse said that there is still a good chance the IUI will work with only one mature follicle, but having more than one does increase the chance of getting pregnant without significantly increasing the chance for multiples. So, I had a decision to make. I could either trigger today with one follie or I could give it a day and allow the other two medium follie's to mature.

The only problem with waiting a day is that there is a possibility I could ovulate on my own tonight or tomorrow with the one mature follicle. If that happens and we don't catch the surge, it's possible the IUI could be too late. I've been taking OPK's every few hours, and there hasn't been a surge yet. I'm hoping the bigger follie will hold on just a little bit longer. Tomorrow, I will go in to the doctor and get my trigger shot. Hopefully, I will then ovulate within the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours.

Our plan is to go in for the actual IUI on Thursday, which should be exactly right. I hope. If I release three good, healthy eggs this cycle and we get the washed sperm into my uterus within 24 hours of the eggs releasing, I should have a really good shot at getting pregnant this cycle.

There is definitely a little bit of fear that we might end up with twins. I think I would be okay with it. Sure, it would be twice as expensive and probably twice as tough, but I think it would still be fine. It's three babies that bothers me, and the chance of that happening is extremely rare. I am so nervous about entering into the 2-week-wait. It's the worst time of the month, because it's so incredibly difficult. And since this is our best chance at having a successful cycle, I have a feeling it's going to be particularly tough.

Even though I'm not technically in the 2-week-wait just yet, I can feel it getting closer. I want to be ready with some ideas on how to stay centered so that I don't go crazy over the next few weeks. I will either get my period or get a positive pregnancy test by February 17th. I hope it's a BFP! How exciting would that be? It would be such a dream come true! I will think about the different ways I can keep stress-free over the next two weeks and hopefully post a new blog about it in the next few days. I will also blog about the IUI and what it was like.

CD 11 Ultrasound - Round 3

2011-01-29T07:28:00.000-08:00

This morning was our CD11 ultrasound to check for follicles. I am always so nervous going into it that there will just be zero activity in my ovaries. That's what my ultrasound looked like before I started taking the Clomid - nothing. No follicles at all that seemed active.

This morning, though, there was some decent activity. No mature follicles, but five medium-sized ones. There were three on my left ovary, measuring 12mm, 10mm, and 10mm. Then there were two on my right ovary measuring 10mm and 10mm. The nurse said that follicles tend to grow 1-2mm a day, so I am scheduled to come back in for another ultrasound on CD14, which is Tuesday.

Last cycle, the result was very similar. Medium-sized follicles on day 11, but by day 13, there were two that were big enough to trigger. I am going to go buy some more OPK's and keep testing every 12 hours just to make sure I'm not going to ovulate before I go back in. I figure DH and I better get on some BD'ing too, just in case!

I'm a little bit nervous about doing our first IUI. I've heard there is a lot of cramping afterwards that can be pretty painful. Some women also said they got really bloated and generally didn't feel well for a few days. I'm hoping things go well for me, but since this is the first one, it's hard to know exactly what to expect. From what I've read and from what the doctor said earlier in our treatment, IUI increases the chance of getting pregnant up to 25%. With Clomid alone, the chances are something like 12%. So, Clomid with IUI is twice the chance! Plus, this is our third cycle so the odds are in our favor, statistically. I'm going to do everything I can to stay relaxed and to eat well for the rest of this cycle. I want to make sure to create a good environment for implantation. I will write more as the next ultrasound approaches.

Frustration About Diet and Exercise

2011-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is extremely frustrating. My hubby hates for me to use that word, ha. Probably because I use it too often. But this time I honestly mean it. PCOS sucks.

I was diagnosed in 1997, but there were no doctors in my life who could tell me what I needed to do to help the symptoms. I wasn't able to take Birth Control pills, which was their standard treatment back then. I just gained weight, kept getting more dark hair on my face, chest and arms. The symptoms got worse and I never knew there was a way to make changes. I didn't seek ways either. Not really. I just tried to ignore it. I don't know that I expected it to go away, but I felt that if I ignored it, it was somehow less real. It was tough, though, because everytime I looked in the mirror, I saw a dark shadow of hair under my chin. It was heartbreaking on a daily basis.

Now, I've gotten the hair under control through laser hair removal, and while that is a great step forward, there are so many other symptoms that are not getting better. I still weigh 180 lbs. I have acne issues at age 34. We're having fertility issues. I'm always feeling tired. It sucks so hardcore!!

Dealing with fertility issues has pushed PCOS to the surface for me. I can't ignore it anymore. Not if I want a baby. And I do. So badly! Reading through different books and websites and talking to other women who have PCOS and are TTC, I think the solution is pretty clear. A strict diet of wholesome foods. Fresh fruit. No breads or pasta unless they are packed with fiber and whole grains. No fried foods. No sugars. No soda. Lots of protein combined with a complex carbohydrate. Basically, for me that means a complete and total overhaul of what I have been eating for the past 34 years of my life.

Then, on top of the major food changes, I know I also have to start exercising. It's such a hard thing for me. I don't enjoy exercise. I hate feeling sweaty and I'm so out of shape, exercising makes me so incredibly tired. I know what I must sound like saying this, too, but I want to be honest with myself and with anyone reading this who might be going through the same thing. I read online forums and people with PCOS say things like "I eat a carrot and gain weight." Maybe that's true for them, but I think for the most part, if you're eating the right foods and exercising, you'll find success. It's not impossible. But for me, the eating right and exercising feels like punishment. It feels like torture.

Some of the women I've been talking to online about TTC are so supportive, but at the same time, so many of them seem to have everything together. They exercise 5 times a week and are fit and thin. They eat right and are taking herbs and feeling good. They are in such a better place for carrying a healthy pregnancy to term. And they don't even have PCOS! I'm so scared I'm going to be the last one in the group to get pregnant - or that I'll never be able to have a successful pregnancy.

I just turned 34 this past weekend, and I realize more and more that I'm on a serious time crunch here. I don't have a lot of time to have a healthy pregnancy. Also, the more treatments we go through, the more expensive things are going to get. We can't afford IVF. Please, God, don't let it come to that! It's so terrifying. In a perfect world, I would have gotten my body in shape years ago and getting pregnant now wouldn't be difficult. But now I'm already in the middle of treatments. I'm already on cycle 3 of Clomid. I only have 3 more months of chances with this particular drug. I'm so scared I am wasting this fertility treatment. What if my eating habits and lack of exercise are going to keep me from getting pregnant no matter what fertility drugs I try?

I know there are tons of women who would read this and think, just eat right and exercise! What's the big deal?! Have some willpower, girl! And that's the way I talk to myself too. But the truth is that making such a huge change in my life isn't easy. Sure, I could do it for a week maybe, but then the hard work becomes a daily thing and I start to fall apart. I know I can make some small changes and try to change my life, but there's this time factor at work here as well. I don't have three years to slowly make all these changes. I need the changes now so that I can have a healthy pregnancy.

This has been a serious rant, I know, and much longer than I intended. But these are my fears. I'm so scared I won't be able to get pregnant for years because of these changes I have never made in my life. I can't turn back the clock. All I can do is try to make some changes in the months ahead and pray that it's enough to allow my body to carry a pregnancy.

11DPO - Temperature Drop

2011-01-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

I'm currently 11 or 12 Days past ovulation. 13 days past trigger shot. I broke down and took a home pregnancy test this morning, and it didn't show even the tiniest faint line. Very disappointing. Also, I've been trying to stay consistent with taking my basal body temperature in the morning. This morning I got a huge drop in temp - from 98 yesterday all the way down to 97.31 today. That's the lowest temperature since before ovulation. It's not looking good for this to be our month.

This weekend I spent some time with my husband's best friend from high school. His wife and I were talking in the kitchen while the guys were working on building a fire in the living room. She told me that her sister was also diagnosed with polycystic ovarian disease when she was in college. Just like me. Unfortunately, her sister had some large cysts that somehow got wrapped around her fallopian tube. I am not sure I got the story right, but she ended up losing one of her ovaries. She's currently on the same medication I am - Metformin - and has had a lot of luck with it. She and her husband aren't currently TTC, but the story kind of threw me for a loop. I think I'm just too emotional to hear that kind of story right now. The thought of losing my ovary or having something going wrong right now scares me to death.

The two week wait is the most difficult part of the process, I think. There's so much hope, yet so much disappointment. I was really hoping this would be our month, and even though I'm not completely out until my period shows, I am losing hope.

I am already thinking about what I'm going to do better next month. I hate to admit, but I have gained a couple of pounds this month. I had gotten down to 173, but now I am back up to 176. In order to get pregnant with PCOS, I know I need to keep my weight down and my sugars under control. My plan for the next month is to lose as much weight as I can. That means taking my pills every single day and on-time, eating less sugar, and working out so that my body can be healthier and more able to sustain a pregnancy.

I will test again on Thursday if my period hasn't shown up yet, but I have a feeling it will be here by then. My birthday is coming up on Sunday. I'll be 34 years old. If my period shows, at least I can have a few drinks on my birthday. I would so much rather be celebrating a positive pregnancy test for my birthday, though. I'm determined to keep a positive attitude for this coming cycle. We are thinking that we will do one more cycle with just the Clomid and trigger shot, then if we still aren't pregnant, we will try IUI. I want to make sure I am as healthy as I can be for taking that next step.

The 2WW Sucks

2011-01-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

The time between ovulation and AF (or BFP!) is the hardest part for me. The dreaded 2WW. Right now, I am 9 days past trigger shot, and 7 or 8 DPO. (Fertility friend says I ovulated Thursday, but I think it might really have been Wednesday. We'll see!) That means I still have another week until AF is expected. A full week before I can reasonably take a pregnancy test and hope for a BFP. And I can tell you right now that it's going to feel like a lot more than a week! These two weeks seriously just drag on and on! It's torture!

What seems so ironic is that there are lots of women (and girls) who freak out when they find out they are pregnant. For some women, it seems like the end of the world. It's inconvenient. And for some, it's devastating. On the flip side, then there are women like me who want it so badly. We try and try for months, go through all kinds of doctor's appointments and tests and take pills that make us feel like crap - and still nothing. It definitely isn't fair. But life isn't fair. That's just the way it is.

All I can hope is that someday soon, I will experience the joy of seeing the double pink lines on a pregnancy test. I can't wait to see my belly grow and to feel a little one stirring inside of me. I can't wait to hold that precious baby in my arms. When it finally comes, I know it will seem like this whole time of waiting and trying just flew by. It will seem like this was nothing compared to the joy of having that sweet baby.

I need to spend my 2ww thinking about the happy things in life. The things I am most grateful for. Like my amazing husband. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive man who will be such a great father and partner through the whole parenting process. I'm so grateful he wants to try to to make a baby and that he's willing to go with me to every doctor's appointment and hold my hand. I'm so grateful that we own our own home and that we have plenty of room for a baby here. I'm also extremely lucky in that I can spend my days doing the one thing I love most - writing. My life is truly headed to the place where I have always dreamed I could be. And I'm enjoying the journey there.

I need to stop worrying about the fact that we don't have a huge 3000 sq ft. house with a two car garage and a white picket fence. I need to stop caring about the fact that I wasted so many years on the wrong guy or the wrong career. That's all in the past. This is the time to take a look around at today. At the life I have right now. At the future, which is brighter than I ever dreamed it could be. Yes, the 2ww is tough, but look at the reward! It's totally worth it! When I feel down, I hope I can remember to tell myself to take a deep breath and enjoy the process. Enjoy the time getting to know my own body. This is a time when I can take control of my health in a way I never have before. I've already lost nearly 20 pounds! The journey may last a little longer than I hoped, but I have to trust that someday, it will all be worth it.

Ovulation Day

2011-01-06T06:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was ovulation day. I feel pretty certain of it. Not only did I get the trigger shot the day before, but I also started feeling some pains really low in my abdomen last night. I've never had ovulation pains before, but I'm convinced that's what was going on. I'm still feeling crampy today.

The first time I got the trigger shot, the nurse told me that it often causes stronger ovulation pains. I didn't feel anything that first time, though. This second round, I'm sure that's what was going on last night. I'm thinking it's possibly because I had two mature follicles this cycle instead of one. Maybe they are both releasing eggs! Wouldn't that be exciting! It would definitely increase our chance of having a successful cycle this time around.

Of course, it also gives the possibility of twins. Yikes! Yes, twins are super cute, but the thought of how much time and energy is involved with twins scares the crap out of me. I can't imagine breastfeeding two babies. It would be never-ending! Plus, just thinking about how twins would cost makes me freak out. We're already thinking that one baby is going to put a slight strain on finances. Two would be insane.

But then again, having two healthy babies would be amazing in other ways! Twins always share a special bond that can't be broken. Two babies also would mean instant playmates. If it happens, I'll welcome it! Any positive on a pregnancy test this month would be crazy exciting! My due date would be near the end of September - around September 27th or so. I think that would be a great time of year to have a baby. I wouldn't be 9 months pregnant in the hottest month of the year, plus it's a quiet time usually. Long enough after summer for vacations to be over and school to be back in session, but far enough from the holidays to still be calm and not shopping all the time.

I know I'm rambling, but as I head into the 2 week wait, I get nervous and anxious and can't stop thinking about the what ifs? The 2ww is the worst part. It's the not knowing and wondering if there was anything we could have done differently. I plan to test on the 19th - 4 days before my 34th birthday. A positive pregnancy test would be the most amazing gift this year!

Mature Follicles on Cycle Day 13

2011-01-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

I am on my second round of Clomid, Cycle Days 1-5, 100 mg. I went in on CD11 for my first follicle-check ultrasound on Sunday, but there were not any that were big enough. I had a couple of medium-sized ones on the right side, but the nurse looks for 20mm or bigger in order to give a trigger shot.

DH and I went back for a second ultrasound this morning, CD13. They found two mature follicles! One was 23mm and the other was 18mm. I don't know whether the 18 is big enough to release an egg this cycle, but there's definitely going to be one little eggie released this month! I am so excited!

The most I can ask for each month is for a good chance. Without the Clomid, there's pretty much no chance I could get pregnant. I feel so grateful that the medications are working. There are no guarantees that I will get pregnant this month, but we're doing everything we can. Last night after we made love, I propped my butt up on some pillows and envisioned the sperm traveling up through uterus and the fallopian tubes, meeting the egg when she comes out, and snuggling into her. I know it sounds a little bit silly, but I want to stay positive and visualize the process. I'm hoping that by imagining the sperm meeting the egg, it might help my body to make it happen.

With the trigger today, I should ovulate tomorrow, on CD14. I should know if this cycle worked by Wednesday the 19th. My 34th birthday is the following Sunday, Jan. 23rd. Wouldn't a positive pregnancy test be the most amazing birthday present? I am trying to be less obsessive this cycle. Last cycle, the two week wait nearly drove me insane. And then when I found out I wasn't pregnant, I was depressed and upset. I'm going to do better to keep my hope up. And if my period comes, then we just try again. It's a new year, and I feel in my heart that 2011 is the year I finally get pregnant!

A New Cycle

2010-12-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

AF arrived last night in full force. I barely slept at all. Terrible cramps - possibly the worst in my whole life. Is this a side effect from the Clomid? I'm not sure, but it hurts like hell. All day today, I have suffered from waves of nausea, headaches, cramps, backache, and dizziness. My skin feels tingly and my hands keep shaking. Very strange for a period, but I'm guessing it's a result of what my body has been through this cycle. All the new meds and the stress.

Now, on to a new cycle. I still have to go pick up my next round of Clomid from the pharmacy. I called the nurse this morning and she said that since I had success with CD1-5 Clomid last month, we'll try that again. I go in for my CD11 Ultrasound on January 2nd, which is a Sunday - and on a holiday weekend. I thought for sure they wouldn't actually be there, but she said they are dedicated to catching the ovaries when they are ready, regardless of the day. It makes me feel like I'm in good, caring hands. Hopefully there will be another one or two mature follicles this time around. Some people on the forums at baby center have mentioned having success one month with clomid, then not having mature follicles the next, like it just stopped working. Please, God, don't let that happen to me. I want to at least have the chance for the cycle to be a success.

It's so awful to have AF arrive when I was hoping for a pregnancy. Then, to feel like this on top of it is like adding insult to injury. It feels like being punished for not getting pregnant. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's the way it feels. I am trying to stay positive and be hopeful for this next cycle. As far as TTC goes, we are still in the early stages. It's definitely not panic time or anything. I am hoping for a healthy cycle this month. And I'm also hoping this icky feeling from today is almost over!

13DPO - BFN

2010-12-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

Whew, having to wait two weeks to take a home pregnancy test is torture! TTC is such an emotional time. So many questions running through my head all the time like How long is it going to take? Will I be able to make a healthy baby? Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I ever have to go through a miscarriage? How will I handle that? Am I pregnant right now? It's crazy.

As I wrote earlier, I had a mature follicle on CD11 according to the ultrasound. The nurse gave me an HCG trigger shot. DH and I went home and baby danced on CD11, 12, 13, 14, and once again on CD15 for good measure. :) It was definitely fun to be with him so many nights in a row. I had a positive OPK on CD11 and 12. I have also been charting my temperature on Fertility Friend. According to my temps, I ovulated on CD12, which puts me at 13 days past ovulation today and 14 days past my trigger shot. It's completely possible that it's still too early to get a positive test, but I want to catch a pregnancy as early as possible in order to help prevent miscarriage.

Anyway, DH and I went to Dollar Tree a couple of days ago and bought 6 tests. I can't believe they are only a dollar! I figure if I get a positive on one of the cheapies, then I'll call the doctor and have it confirmed with a blood test (thank you $10 insurance copay, lol). This morning, I took my first pregnancy test. I sat down on the toilet and just stared at the test for at least five minutes, praying for even a tiny wisp of a line to show up. No line :( Big Fat Negative for me today. I have to admit, I even went back this afternoon and checked the test again. I know it says results aren't valid after 10 minutes, but I just had to look again. See what TTC does to me? Makes me crazy!

My husband isn't upset at all by the negative test. He says we haven't been trying long (and he's right) and that we'll just keep trying. No rush. Sounds simple, right? So why do I feel so damn depressed today? I've known all my adult life that making a baby was going to be tougher for me than a lot of other women. But there was a part of me that was hoping with the Clomid and the Glumetza and the charting and everything it might just happen on our first month with meds. I know I'm not out until Aunt Flow (AF) arrives, but I'm definitely cramping a lot today and feeling irritable - PMS. Just 4 days till Christmas and I really am not looking forward to cramps and a period for the holidays.

Feeling down today, but I'm trying to pull myself together and realize that it's still early and we're barely into the process yet. Even if it takes a couple of months, we still might have a baby by next year at Christmas! I won't give up hope. My plan at this point is to just keep testing every other day until my period arrives or I get a positive test. I'll write more when I know more.

Cycle Day 11 Ultrasound - Mature Follicle!

2010-12-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

Today we had good news! Our first round of Clomid did its job. We went in this morning to have an ultrasound done to check for follicles. My left ovary was nothing special, only small follicles (11 I think on one was the biggest). But on the right side, there was one really nice mature follicle that measured around 21 mm! She said that anything over a 20 was great, then suggested we go ahead with an HCG trigger shot. We had to run to the Walmart across the street and pick up the shot (not covered my insurance which is crazy since we're supposed to have a $22,000 fertility benefit), which cost $115. After we got the shot, we went back to the nurse and she mixed it and administered it into my left hip. It didn't hurt at all, but she warned me that I might experience some extra ovulation cramping in the next few days.

With the shot, I should ovulate within 12-36 hours! DH and I were planning to do an IUI this cycle, but after discussing it, we'd rather try naturally a few months with timed intercourse. There's just something beautiful about conceiving a child during the act of making love. I think we'd both be more willing to do the IUI if it turns out regular sex isn't doing the job, but we'll give it three or four cycles. I'm glad we came to this decision, and I'm looking forward to some intimate time over the next few days! I told him to be ready to go when he gets home tonight, haha.

So far, everything has gone just like clockwork. For most of my adult life, I have anticipated pregnancy being a tough road, so in a way, I keep expecting a more serious complication. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy there haven't been any, but what I mean is that I feel like I'm waiting for the bad news to come. I can only pray it never does.

The Clomid was surprisingly side-effect free. I took it from CD1-5 and the only thing I experienced was some extra sleepiness. The Glumetza (Metformin) has been the most difficult part by far. It's been very hard to find food that I can eat without having to run to the bathroom every five minutes or feel like I'm sick all day. The nurse said that after another week or so, I should be well enough adjusted that I won't get that sick feeling as much. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Cycle Day 1 - Clomid Begins!

2010-11-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

Today is my first day of full flow period, which means it's my first day of Clomid! I've noticed on the baby center forums that most women are taking their Clomid on CD 3-7 or 5-9. No one seems to be CD 1-5, but that's what the instructions from the nurse say, so that's what I'm doing! I have been taking Provera for 7 days, so now that AF is here, I am off the provera and on to the Clomid!

I am a little nervous about the possible side-effects. Some women have reported having terrible mood swings and cramping and just feeling super tired. So far, I feel fine (considering I'm on my period, haha). Nothing beyond the normal period cramps and bloating and slight back pain. I hope it stays that way! I'm taking 2 50mg pills of Clomid each day for 5 days, then will start taking OPK's every 12 hours starting on CD11. I bought 14 test strips off Amazon for about $5. I have no idea how long it will take or how many tests I will need, but I'm hoping they aren't too hard to read! I might also go to walmart or CVS and pick up the digital OPK with the smiley face, just in case I can't read these others very well.

I feel so nervous that I will make a mistake and ruin my chance of getting PG this cycle. I want everything to go smoothly!

A word about Glumetza: For the first 7 days of taking 2000 mg Glumetza (metformin), I was sick as a dog. Diarrhea, throwing up, constant upset stomach, tired as hell, etc. Thank GOD I am feeling better now. If you are taking any form of Metformin and struggling through it, keep going! Don't give up! This drug has amazing results when it comes to pregnancy success with PCOS as well as helping to prevent miscarriage. It's worth a week or two of feeling like shit! Plus, you WILL come through it. The most important thing, I think, is to eat right. At first, I had a hard time keeping anything down at all. Now, though, I am adding things like eggs and vegetables and fruit into the mix. All I could eat before was plain oatmeal (no sugar) or saltines, lol. The nausea seems to have passed now and as long as I keep my sugar intake relatively low and stay away from things like potatoes and greasy, fried foods, I should feel good from here on out!

I feel so excited to be starting my cycle. There's no way to tell if getting pg will be easy or very difficult, but at least I can know that we're doing everything we can to be successful and healthy.

An Intro to My Story

2010-11-27T10:40:00.000-08:00

In 1997, as a junior in college, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). At the time, no one could really properly explain what that meant. All the doctor really told me was that there were cysts in my ovaries that had been causing the problems I'd had such as acne, sudden weight gain, hair growth on my face, and missed periods. He also told me that PCOS would make it difficult, if not impossible, for me to someday have children. His only solution was to put me on a hormone blocker to block extra testosterone and to put me on birth control pills. That was it.

For many years, I mostly tried to ignore my PCOS. Humiliated by the growth of hair in strange places on my body, I took to daily shaving. I even tried electrolysis, which ended up being super painful, expensive, and a big fat failure. I gained weight and went from a healthy and thin 135 that junior year to a larger and much less energetic 200 pounds by the time I was 30. Between the PCOS and a husband that was verbally abusive and not at all interested in sex, my self-esteem plummeted to the very deepest depths.

On my 30th birthday, however, I picked myself up, filed for divorce, and vowed to make some changes in my life. I deserve to be happy. Everyone does! But you can't sit around and wait for something or someone to come along and make you happy. You have to take life into your own hands and make some changes in order to make your life better.

Less than a year later, I moved in with the man of my dreams. We met playing an online game called Everquest 2 (yes, we're geeks and we're proud!) and became close friends long before we ever met in person. Once we did finally get together, it was instant love! I had been teaching school at the time, but when I moved, my love told me I should work toward my lifetime dream of becoming a published writer. He supported me and put up with self-esteem issues and told me daily that I was beautiful. I went to Sona Medspa and had laser hair removal treatments, which meant goodbye to shaving and embarrassment forever (highly recommended by the way!). I started writing and finding my goals and passion again.

On December 19, 2009, I married the most amazing man in the world. I have always dreamed of having a baby, but the time has never been right... until now! In October of 2010, we officially decided to start trying to conceive. I am currently 33 years old and will be 34 in January. With my PCOS and my advanced age (fertility-wise), I knew we should talk to a specialist right away. We went to see a doctor at a local fertility center and he helped us put together a plan:

2000 mg of Glumetza (metformin) a day
100 mg Clomid
CD 11 u/s to check for follicles
OPK's every 12 hours after CD 11 to detect surge
Sperm analysis and IUI as soon as ovulation is detected
(possible HCG trigger shot if needed)

I have decided to write about our TTC journey and what it's like to be a woman in her 30's TTC with PCOS. For me, it's a type of therapy. If anyone ends up reading this, I hope that it will help you find hope and help you to know that you are not alone. Sometimes, there might be some TMI, but I hope you will keep reading and reserve judgment on the decisions I've made or the path I've taken. This is a place where I want to be honest about my feelings and my journey toward making my dream of having a baby come true.